1.12.08

textsecret

so i put out a challenge to anyone sending me a secret over the past week: send me a text telling me what you are thankful for. i was very happy with the response i got. i expected (and got) many exclaiming gratitude for family, friends, and lovers. i was hoping for (and also got many) people thinking a bit more frivolously and fancifully. i enjoyed all of them and am grateful for both having them shared with me and being able to share them again here. reading all of the gratitude and thanks helped me through what has become a difficult weekend for me.

i've retreated from family and friends over the past several years, to the point where i would eat at family functions but then go nap directly after, often claiming headache or nausea or both. i was scared and anxious being around all of those people. they were not my real family but a family i wanted to be a part of more than my own. still i avoided them and hid in a bedroom until most were gone. i felt claustrophobic with everyone packed in and eating, laughing, telling stories, and having a good time. i didn't know what to do with myself or how to behave. i had forgotten how to act in social situations. i didn't go at all this year. i had dinner with my roommates, then hid in my room alone, working on a birthday and christmas present for a friend.

i've been gradually getting quieter and more withdrawn as the year closes out. the holidays are difficult times for many and i am no exception. the gratitude secrets helped though and i tried to keep reminding myself there was plenty in my life to be thankful for. i have one hidden in there too. i didn't want to be left out.

there is, of course, the normal offering of secrets also. at first, i was surprised by how many came in. then, i realized everyone was home with relatives and remembering all of the secrets they were hiding by smiling their way through all of the family functions i was just avoiding. so the secrets continued to pour in like the ocean of gravy i put over my mashed potatoes and stuffing.

i mentioned last week that i've been lightly editing the texts, here and there. this week though, there is one secret that i posted exactly as i received it. there was something when reading it that struck me and i thought it would be important to leave it that way.

thank you all again for sharing....


thanksgiving...

  • i am most grateful for the love i have in my heart. i can always relate to what others are feeling and someday i’d love to share that feeling with someone else.
  • i’m thankful for my beautiful friends who save my life everyday.
  • i’m thankful to be so close to my brother & sister. i don’t know what i would do without them.
  • i'm grateful for the simpsons.
  • i'm thankful for the color of her eyes.
  • i'm thankful i didn't get sent to iraq.
  • i’m honestly most grateful for snow. it’s peaceful and the most beautiful thing i have ever seen. i love it.
  • i’m thankful for frank for creating/doing postsecret, and for you, for doing this. thank you. you have a wonderful soul.
  • i'm grateful i got to see the dead 33 times before jerry died.
  • i am more thankful for my family than anything else in my life. my husband and kids saved my life and not a day goes by that i forget that.
  • i am so thankful for my son. he’s the best thing i’ve ever done. he’s my only reason to live. i love him so much i think my heart will burst.
  • i'm thankful i found my birth-mother but so grateful for my parents.
  • i am most grateful for him. i have never loved anyone more in my life.
  • i’m grateful for my boyfriend for him being a positive influence in my life and keeping me away from the blade.
  • i’m thankful that i’m turning into my mother, she’s a beautiful and amazing person.
  • i’m most thankful for my friends because they love me more than any boy could ever dream of loving me. i hope i never lose them.
  • i'm thankful for all of my students.
  • i’m grateful i didn’t get knocked up like both of my sisters.
  • i am most grateful for my kids. they are my sunshine and my reason for living. i love everything about them.
  • i am grateful that i’m not healing from anything recent. i’m grateful that my traumas are behind me now.
  • i am grateful for a husband that truly loves me no matter how fucked up i am.
  • thanks given for thrift stores.
  • i'm most thankful for my faith. that i have not yet been jaded by life, and still have the ability to believe... in god, in other people and in the hope of a happy ending.
  • i’m grateful for my strength. it held me up when i thought i would crumble.
  • i’m thankful that i know who my real friends are now.
  • i'm thankful for snowdays.
  • i'm grateful for dandilion wishes.
  • i'm thankful for freckles.
  • i am grateful for the fact that i am the only one of my friends who is a virgin.
  • i am most grateful for my boyfriend. he’s shown me how to love without fear, and to see value in myself. i love him and i don’t know what i’d do without him.
  • i’m most grateful for my sons, 3 grandsons, 1 granddaughter, and daughter-in-law.
  • i’m thankful to be loved. without love i wouldn’t be the person i am today.
  • i’m thankful that my boyfriend loved me enough to completely change his life. he’s the greatest friend i’ve ever had.
  • i'm thankful my dog wouldn't stop barking when i tried to od and alerted the neighbors to call 911.
  • i’m grateful for every second before his deployment.
  • i am grateful that my parents can still laugh together.
  • i am grateful that i have found the man that i want to spend the rest of my life with. my friends tease us because we are silly and awkward together but that’s why i love him.
  • i’m grateful that my ex-boyfriend’s girlfriend hasn’t found out what we’ve been doing. if she did she would dump him. i love him so much i’d hate to see him sad.
  • i am thankful that i am surrounded by friends and family who aren’t afraid to tell me they love me and miss me.
  • i’m most grateful for my grandmother. she has cancer and is hospitalized but i think she’s holding on for me.
  • i feel so blessed to have the majority of my memories revolve around my mom.
  • i’m grateful that i met him.
  • he really does love me. i call him my sunshine.
  • i’m grateful that the one i love can be open with me as i am to him.
  • i’m thankful he found me so i can have someone to fret over and care about again.
  • i’m most grateful for my family, coaches, and church. and jpg i’m so glad you’re a bigger part of my life now.
  • i’m thankful that i’m independent.
  • i’m thankful for new friends living in canada
secrets....
  • i read through all of my boyfriend’s myspace inbox to make sure he wasn’t cheating.
  • i’m 15 and he’s 20. i’ve never loved anyone more than him but i don’t know how much more stress from this can take before i explode.
  • i don’t know anymore.
  • i jacked off my room mate under the blanket while my mom was in the room. i still find it funny.
  • the only thing i had in common with my real father was coke addiction. i stopped. he didn’t. he doesn’t know that i know.
  • i’m not a bigot but it scares me to say i think david miscavage is fucking hot and i protest scientology.
  • my first love and i broke up over a year ago. we’re still good friends. he has a new gf and i’m happy for him but i wish they would break up. i believe we will be together again one day even though it will probably never happen. i still love him.
  • it’s a good thing my bf didn’t answer my cry for help… i would’ve had a hard time talking on the phone with all of those pills in my mouth.
  • i wish that when i’m alone i could laugh instead of cry. god, i hate myself.
  • i fear turning 21 because i tell everyone, jokingly, that i’m going to be an alcoholic. i think i’m starting to believe myself.
  • i didn’t eat anything today [thanksgiving] and i’m not eating anything tomorrow.
  • i have been dreaming of robert pattison since he was in harry potter. i think this means we will meet one day and fall in love.
  • ishldntbesolonely.ishouldntvetakenthepills. ishouldnthavebeenhappierinthenuthouse. ishouldnthaveliedtothetherapist.ishouldnthavelethimdie. iwishiknewhowtotellthem.
  • he doesn’t love me but i still love him regardless.
  • every time i go “home” i realize it’s not home anymore and now i know where home is and i can’t wait to get back…
  • i am smart, strong, independent, and have so much to offer but i feel broken because i only fall for broken men.
  • i am a grown woman and i still let my dad pay for my gas.
  • i tell everyone i am a virgin but i lost my virginity to someone i didn’t even know
  • my family spent a lot of thanksgiving talking about my weight loss. i don’t have the heart to tell them it’s from all the sex i’ve had. it’s the best and most fun workout i know.
  • i’m really scared he will hurt me too.
  • my friends tease me by saying that my mom is a milf but she really is and i get hard all the time when i'm around her.
  • my bf calls other boys sexy and it makes me really jealous even though i flirt with other boys all the time.
  • my good friend died last friday. i have spent the weekend crying. in twenty minutes i go to her wake and because of everyone at school showing how much they care, i no longer feel like i’m going to collapse. i know this thanksgiving will be hard for her family but we’ll be here to help pick up the pieces.
  • i tried to kill myself last night but i was too scared he wouldn’t miss me.
  • i’m scared he is going to leave me like my dad left my mom and then i’ll be old and alone.
  • no matter how much i say i hate my mom i still love her.
  • my girlfriends and i sneak into clubs and tease older guys by making out in front of them. we love knowing how much we turn them on!
  • i’m so embarrassed about the fact i fell in love with a book about vampires but i still can’t wait to see the movie (alone).
  • all i want for my birthday are sex toys.
  • i’m in love with my ex boyfriend’s cousin more than i’ve ever loved him.
  • i still want to leave him but i can’t get up the nerve. plus, our dog keeps me here
  • i hate love so much because i’m just the best friend.
  • to the girl who’s given up on being a teacher because she’s a lesbian: my high school had four lesbian teachers and they were all effective and respected educators. who you love will not affect how you teach or your student’s respect for you.
  • i love my bf more than anything. he saved me from my own demons and i hope one day i can return the same.
  • i don’t care if he’s two years younger then me and still a minor
  • i fell in love and never told him. now that he’s with another girl i don’t think i’ll ever get the chance.
  • i’m in constant battle to keep my friend from suicide. sometimes i think i’m losing.
  • i love him so fucking much and he will never talk to me again because of what i did to him.
  • i want to die because i think there are already enough people on the earth that i don’t need to exist.
  • i was always terrified that i’d start saying “for” in place of the word “so” like my ex did. thank god i never did!
  • i work at a retirement home and sometimes give "happy endings" to the men i bathe.
  • to the person with the secret of wanting something bad to happen just for the sympathy: so did i, then my dad died. the sympathy isn’t worth it. be happy with what you have.
  • i am petrified that there is something wrong with me mentally, but i am too afraid to go to a councilor to find out (i know if i were, my life would fall apart, my family would abandon me and i would lose my son...)
  • this is my last thanksgiving coming home. i can’t take the fighting anymore.
  • i want to get out of this god forsaken town. i’ve lived here my whole life. i can’t wait to go to college far away. only a year and a half till i do.
  • every time i read other people’s secrets i always think that mine aren’t good enough.
  • i have herpes and i’ve slept w/ppl who didn’t know.
  • i wish i could tell my wife about the cocaine, heroine, and pills but i know she’d leave me if i did. i can’t believe she hasn’t noticed all the money i’ve been going through. i really do love her. i don’t know why i’m doing this to her.
  • i think i love her enough to marry her but we’re only 16.
  • i feel so confident when i’m with a group of about six guys that like me. it’s the most fun i’ve had in a long time.
  • i give hand jobs to strangers on the bus or subway.
  • i’ve forgotten how to whistle and blow up a balloon and i’m only 17
  • i am in love for the first time and i am terrified to tell him.
  • i’m so scared i feel more than he does and he’ll go running back to her.
  • in the past few months i’ve watched everyone become happy but me. sometimes i wonder if this is god’s way of punishing me for not believing.
  • i text you 3 or 4 secrets every week but they are all lies because i don’t have any secrets of my own worth sending.
  • i don’t want to be the promised child, i just want to be me.
  • sometimes i think i’m insane. i hate myself, i love myself. i can’t tell my parents i’m bi-sexual.
  • to me everything was more than a hookup. i know i am in love with you nothing can tell me otherwise.
  • i’m scared i’ll never make it out of this town after graduation.
  • i put my number on postsecret’s blog. sum1 who started texting me fell in love with me.
  • even though i tell everyone that i quit cutting two years ago i still do. all the while i put on a mask and pretend everything is okay. i hope they don’t find out.
  • although you made it very clear that you immensely enjoyed the blowjob i gave you the other day, it was more amazing for me than it was for you... i live to make you happy.
  • i don’t wear panties to school so i can let my favorite teachers look up my skirts.
  • it's easier for me to tell my secret to a guy, than a girl, and i have no idea why.

2 comments:

asmytearsfall13 said...

I think that the positive "thankful" texts were a very good idea. We all could use some happiness in life, and to look deep down and realize that, even in the darkest of times, there CAN be good aspects of what seems like a dysmal life or a living hell. Thank you :)

Anonymous said...

what txt was the one that struck you so much?