textsecret

the end

2010-12-21T17:18:00.001-08:00

this blog is done.

thank you...

textsecret

2010-05-17T10:19:00.000-07:00

i hit my boyfriend this weekend. i am so ashamed.
don’t give up yet. i’m praying for you even if we’ve never met.
i’m afraid i won’t get to be the girl i want to be in college because of my face. / for once in my life i want to feel like a pretty girl rather than some big ugly monster. i’ve never felt that way about myself.
in the past i convinced myself not to commit suicide since college would be better than high school was. i’m so terrified that i’ll be wrong.
it hurts how unimportant i am to my family. i don’t understand how i am so unimportant to myself. / i feel so betrayed by my family. unsurprisingly, mostly from my mother.
last week’s secret about a sister hoping her brother will go to the same school got me so hot. i just bought a new sexy bikini to celebrate my brother coming home from his first year away at college. i can’t wait to get alone with him again!
you said you’d give me anything i wanted as long as i didn’t fall in love with you. i don’t think i’m holding up my end of the bargain.
i’m having trouble understanding how a person can be completely in love with someone they don’t know; even though i’m one of them.
i wonder if i love him but the days i go to sleep without him are the worst. his snores soothe me better than any teddy bear ever could.
it’s much easier to eat normally then throw up than to not eat at all. it saves an explanation to my friends and family that I’m not ready to give.
it makes me sad that you won’t let him see his daughter because me and him are engaged. to bad he is going for visitation this month and she will be around me.
i wear my tennis skirt to social studies because my teacher is hot and i want him to see i’m not wearing panties. i am so wet by the end of class i have to run to the bathroom to relieve myself.
three years ago today i got my first kiss.
i’m afraid he means everything he says right now but that he’ll change his mind and abandon me like garbage. / i’d rather not have kids and wonder what it’s like than have one child and find out i’m not a good mother.
i made a promise to myself: if he talks to me tomorrow i will ask him to make love to me.
when someone came to the conclusion that my significant other gave me my black eye i didn’t tell them otherwise because i liked the attention.
we said we’d behave after your new boyfriend said no to girl-on-girl action. i think you’ve been avoiding me because you know we won’t. i plan to steal you back.
i want to die. i don’t want to talk. i just don’t give a fuck. i really just don’t want to be here and i ain’t wasting time calling a hotline.

textsecret

2010-04-18T19:52:00.000-07:00

i lie a lot to people. it makes them feel sympathy for me. i want attention.
how do you sleep at night knowing you’re the reason i am totally fucked in the head? all of my messed up relationships have been due to ‘daddy issues’.
i am in love with a married man. not only that, but he has 3 kids and is also my boss. i’m pulling for the divorce to go through.
i’ve never been this lonely around people. they’re mad at me and won’t talk. i want to move down to be closer to my girlfriend but i think she thinks it’s too soon.
my little brother is graduating in june and i want him to go to the same college i’m going to so i can fuck him whenever i want instead of having to wait for semester breaks.
i keep my razor in the back of my calculator so i can bring it to school. i hate math.
i read the texts you receive and my heart breaks at all the sorrow and anger. i wish i could take all of the pain in the world away from everyone.
the first time my parents told me they loved me, at 17, was also the day i decided to stop drinking and doing drugs.
i am a sister first, a daughter second, and everything else after that, and as soon as i go to college it’s over. i want to be a real person for once in my life.
i don’t understand why you’re with me. sometimes i feel like you love me because you think i’m the only person who will love you back. it hurts. / i don’t like who i am.
i heard that urban legend about the girl getting caught letting her dog lick peanut butter from her area. i got really curious so i tried it and oh my god it was the best orgasm i’ve ever had!
i’m doing better. but sometimes you pop into my head and i start missing you.
you left me two days after my birthday for some fucking deadbeat loser who you’re probably fucking as i write this and still i want you back. as stupid as that sounds, i love you so much and wish you would open your eyes and see what you have here.
i sit in class wondering if any of the boys around me could ever love me. they never do.
i recently asked out the girl that i liked despite the distance between us. even though she hasn’t lied to me i’m afraid this is all a huge joke to her.
i don’t care if i don’t know you. i love you. please find me. i’m waiting.

textsecret

2010-03-22T03:30:00.000-07:00

i hate living at home. i wish i could leave but i know i can’t because i’m too rooted. hurry up and come get me. i’m losing it.
i am terrified one day i will wake up and everything i have worked so hard for will be gone. that i will become nothing and be worth nothing without anything to define me
when i bag kids bags, i always sneak a second toy, into every other bag. so hopefully it makes the kids day. / i did my hair all kinds of cute tonight for you.
i’m sorry i can’t be perfect. i wish i was a better daughter, person, friend.
my horrible communication skills always get the best of me. i can rarely express how i feel without tears or yelling. / at this point i think i need drug and alcohol counseling. life just doesn’t feel right sober anymore.
today i can say i’m finally ok. all it took was a failed suicide attempt to make me realize it’s not my time to go.
half of the people i’ve slept with i work with.
i hate myself. i feel like every time i bring my best friend around a guy i like they want her and forget about me. the one time i had a week with him she spent it with us and he left me the next day. i’m so hurt. i hate myself and i don’t know what to do. i’m to the point of suicide and i’ve been putting it off for so long. i don’t know what’s wrong with me. i feel like i’m disgusting. he cheated on me with a butch and now wants her. and what hurts the most is i blame her for this. i just want to die. there’s no point in breathing anymore. someone please kill me. i don’t know if i can do it myself.
i’ve decided that if i’m not happy by the end of this year, i’m going to kill myself. i’m so tired of being an angry person who can never have any fun.
they let me out of the mental hospital because i told them i don’t want to kill myself. i lied.
i feel like dying today.
i had sex with my brother’s best friend while his sister gave my brother a bj in the corner. i came so hard knowing my brother was watching me!

textsecret

2010-02-23T13:24:00.000-08:00

i want what is not good for me. i plan to make sure i never get it and i’m proud of myself for staying strong. still, i wish there was another way to do this.
i’ve always told myself i’d never cheat on him but i ended up doing it anyway.
i really want to have sex but i want it to mean something like before. i miss the way you touched me. it’s like you just knew what i wanted and when. / i think i may have feelings for my best guy friend. i’m not sure if it is necessarily a dating type feeling but more like i just really want to get some, and he’d work.
i did x once. i thought about it everyday. i did it twice and now i’m addicted. / i’m in love with my best friend but he loves his girlfriend. we fell in love at different times. there is a reason for everything but what’s this one?
people have convinced me that what he did was rape but i’m not so sure. maybe it’s just a regret. maybe i did it to myself.
all i think about is how to distract myself with ideas, sex, and activities so i won’t always be thinking about committing suicide.
after three weeks of having quit smoking i caved and smoked. i feel so bad now. i don’t know what i love more, the feeling I get when i smoke or how good i feel having not smoked.
i had a great valentine’s weekend. i was finally happy. why did you have to message me? my heart was finally healing and it broke all over again because of you.
in my entire life i have always felt that the worst of the genes in my family got dumped on me. i’ll never be pretty enough to be anyone’s girlfriend or wife ever.
i’m a girl and i just masturbated to girl-on-girl porn and i feel guilty because i liked it more than when i have sex with my fuckbuddy.

textsecret

2010-01-25T13:03:00.000-08:00

i wanna live in nyc. not because it seems glamorous but because it seems free. / i don’t give myself enough credit. i’m tainted. / i’d rather be alone than disappoint anyone i love. / compared to him i’m wall-e and he’s eve. i’m not even worth it.
i want to start starving myself.
i’m dating my best friend. she sleeps at my house all the time and we mess around. my family is still in the blue about our relationship. / i love when you sleep over and we have sex. my grandma is so oblivious that we’re dating.
the only thing that stops me from hyperventilating is the smell of old books.
wow. what a pathetic excuse for a man. grow the fuck up and quit being so fucking self-centered. just because girls stalk you doesn’t make you less of a douche bag.
i love my girl friend but i still think about what would have been if you just came around. i know we were put in a difficult situation but we could have worked through it if you were willing. a part of me will always love you. i know the side of you that no one else has seen. i don’t fully know who i am without you in my life anymore.
i didn’t tell them i was kidnapped and shot up with drugs before i got away that day. it happened because i am suicidal and i let it happen.
i think my science teacher is wicked attractive. it drives me nuts. / i think i’m gonna die alone because i’ll never be good enough for anyone ever.
last night my ex/son’s father tried to commit suicide. he lost over a quart of blood and is now in the hospital. i thought he was kidding when he told me about the blood everywhere. he could’ve died because i thought he was playing. / today my boy friend told his baby mama to stop sending him naked pics of her because i was hotter than her fat ass. sad to say that this is the happiest i have been in forever.
i keep naked pictures of myself on my computer hoping that my older brother will find them and keep them for himself or show them to his friends.
i wish he knew how much blaming me for what happened killed me inside even if he forgives me one day i won’t ever forgive myself.
i want her to get her heart broken. i want her to know how i feel when she broke up with me.
i can’t fucking stand my best friend but at the same time i can’t let her go.
none of my friends see the real me. i’ve gotten so good at putting up my wall no one notices. i seem alright but i need help too.
my boy friend’s kids are spoiled brats and after he and i are married and he passes away i will work the rest of my life to make sure they don’t get a dime.
today is my 18th birthday. two years ago i tried to kill myself. i wish i had succeeded.
i can’t wait to move and get away from you. i love you but i deserve better and i could never tell you that. this is the end of a chapter in my life and the beginning of another and i couldn’t be more excited.
i knew he wasn’t the one for me after i had told him i was sick and he didn’t bring me any soup when i was at work.
my mom has lost weight and is down to a 16 in jeans and now all she does is brag about it. it’s gotten on my nerves so bad that if i have to hear about it anymore i know i will explode and go off on her. so what if she has? i could care less. all it’s doing to her is making me seem like a fat pig whenever we eat. beauty killed the beast.

textsecret

2010-01-04T16:35:00.000-08:00

happy new year...

she’s beautiful smart and kind and wants me for who i am and i just want to leave her. / i am getting easier and easier to read and i’m still not sure if that scares me or not.
all i do is fuck things up. i’m failing school. i’m failing as a friend. i want to kill myself. / i’m seriously contemplating suicide right now but i can’t tell anyone because i don’t want to ruin their christmas.
i’m going back home to the west coast i wish you would put yourself in my suitcase. the only thing i want for my birthday is for you to contact me. even if it is just to say happy birthday.
i have no fucking clue what to do anymore and it hurts more than she’ll ever know.
my guilty pleasure is seeing my ex-boyfriend even though my boyfriend doesn’t want me to.

textsecret

2009-12-22T12:53:00.000-08:00

i hide in my cave because it’s safe here… no one can hurt me if i don’t go out and let them.
i’m in love with my best friend but i’m scared. / more and more challenges are sprung upon me everyday and i’m watching myself get weaker. i’m so depressed and i don’t know how to stay strong.
if i’m not selfish for myself, who is?
your excuse was you were busy or you just felt like you never had anything to say. it’s been over a month and i miss you so much. i just wish you still loved me. / i hope you still think of me.
i miss you way more than i should. cheater or not, i am still in love with you. if you said you wanted me i’d be yours in a heartbeat and i hate myself for that.
had a threesome with her and her hubby because i’d lost my way in my marriage. now she fell in love with my best friend and they almost ran away together. everyone is a whore it seems.
i still like you and wish you would come home for christmas. i miss you and so does everyone else. please come back.
there is so much wrong here. there is so much inside of me you will never understand because you never ask. you never even bother to try.
the only thing i had to eat to day was a chicken nugget from wendy’s. instead of getting something else to eat i will just pat myself on the back.
i haven’t worn my retainers in years. i’ll blame it on my wisdom teeth.
i’d rather be great at something than good at everything.
i hate telling people when i’m feeling sad. not only do i think that they won’t care and that i’m stupid but also that i’m weak. i hate this.
i miss you every single day and fear that i always will. i miss our conversations that meant everything to me. i love you.
i haven’t cut myself in 208 days and it is so hard.
i think i’m falling for my friend’s very recent ex. i feel so disloyal. the worst part is that i can’t stop it.
pear, wherever you are, i just want you to know that i miss you very much.
i can’t take it anymore. i feel left out of my friend’s now. i hate her so much i want to fucking punch her in the face but my dad said if i do he will… / so there is this girl who i cannot stand. she is such a fucking bitch. i hate her with a burning passion. that stupid jew, i really hate her. / i hate this guilt. i wish i knew why. i didn’t want that to happen to anyone. such a though never crossed my mind! so why do i keep being the indirect cause of…
i’m married and fell in love with another woman, and she with me. she’s everything i could ever ask for but single. regardless, i can’t stop loving her.
i regret saying yes. / i’m a complete disappointment to my parents and all i do about it is smoke pot. / i found myself so physically attracted to you today. it might be because of my dream last night. i hate that our relationship ended so badly sometimes. you were a good friend. / i can’t stand my boyfriend’s personality sometimes.

textsecret

2009-11-30T17:03:00.000-08:00

won’t you come out of your cave and go for a walk with me? i miss you x…
i hate lying to keep everyone happy.
sometimes i think things would be better for everyone if i just died.
i don’t know how much longer i can hold on. i hate this feeling and i want it to stop.
we were friends in high school. then you went off to college and married a possessive jerk and had his baby. last week we finally got back in touch. you’re just like i remember and your son is so cute. i’ve talked you through and played therapist to help save your marriage, but what you don’t know is that i really just hang out with you so much to explain away the evidence of the affair i started with your husband last week. i don’t love him and he doesn’t love me but he’s the only man i’ve ever been with who seemed to really like me and enjoy my company. being with him makes me feel happier and more comforted than i ever have before.
it’s been months and if you asked me to be yours i’d drop my world in a heartbeat, even after all those things you did. i know i deserve better but i just want you. while we were going out i fell deep in love with you. we tried to make it work twice but couldn’t. i later found out you had another girlfriend the whole time.
today was my birthday. i spent it waiting for a call or a text from you. we haven’t been on speaking terms since you did what you did. i still hoped. you still disappointed.
lately i’ve been thinking about just ending everything because i can no longer stand being this person i’ve turned into. the scares remind me of how terrible i truly am and one day soon i’ll leave this all behind so i can start over again. i’m sorry to those that might miss me. i just can’t take this stress and the drugs stopped helping a long time ago.
god, you’re such a fuck up. you can never keep her happy.
even though i outwardly seem alright, there are things i’m hiding. it’s just easier to suffer in silence.
i’m a sex addict. it destroyed my life last year and i know it will again only next time it will be much worse. and that’s ok. maybe he will kill me.
i’m ashamed every time i hear my son say that i’m his hero or his best friend. i know he deserves so much more and so much better.

textsecret

2009-11-09T11:25:00.000-08:00

i told my current fwb i was single since june but in reality i was cheating with him. i’m single now though, thankfully.
i cared about you even before we were close. you may have lost the only girl that would’ve bent backwards for you. oh wait, i had. / you call yourself a man but really you’re just a boy that pouts when he doesn’t get his way or when you’re wrong. turning things around on me is just childish.
i like you a lot and i’m pretty sure you don’t feel the same way. i keep feeding myself false hope, which just hurts me even more.
i see my ex’s new girlfriend everyday now and when and when i do i get the worst feeling in my stomach because i’m so much thinner than her and he’s the reason i started eating diet pills.
i keep telling myself that i did the right thing by protecting you from this because i was stronger but i can barely keep myself alive.
everyone is really disappointing me right now. sucks. and i really thought i could trust them.
i have a girlfriend that neither my husband nor my boyfriend know about. i think i may love her.
i would never hurt him. i just hope that he won’t hurt me.
i sometimes really hate my best friend but i love her too much to say anything.
i have never been more afraid of anything than i am of just opening my mouth and saying, “dad, i’m a lesbian”.
no matter what i’m doing or who i’m with, you’re the only thing in my head.
i’ve never felt comfortable in my own skin. everyone thinks such great things about me but i’m really just doing what i think is right despite their thoughts. i’m just as scared as everyone else but no one ever sees it.
i’m disposable to everyone around me.
i currently have a boyfriend who has treated me the best and i can’t get my ex-boyfriend off my mind ever though he’s been the one to hurt me the worst.
i slept with two guys in two nights this weekend. the first night was perfect, he was perfect, everything was absolutely perfect. i was raped the second night.
it kills me when he asks for nudes. i actually am really starting to like him and i feel like he’s just using me for my body. like every other man.
i feel as if i’m walking through life on a leash society has put on me. all i want to do is slip out of it. yesterday my best friend told me i couldn’t accomplish my dream because it just wasn’t a good idea. i will always resent her.
i like reading the secrets about girls loving their brothers because it's nice to know i'm not the only one.
i know that text was from you. i will always love you but i just want you to know i’m gone now and i no longer hurt.
everyday is a struggle for me to stay and not just drop everything and leave you all behind.

textsecret

2009-10-19T16:53:00.001-07:00

you always pick her over me. i thought we were supposed to be sisters. stop making promises you can’t live up to
i can honestly say i would carry the weight of the world if it meant everyone would be truly happy even just for a day.
i know he could make me feel whole again.
i don’t love you anymore but i know you too well to let you go just yet. you have a beautiful soul and i don’t want you to hurt anymore.
i have feelings for my best friend. she has a boyfriend and so do i but i think about her when i have sex with him.
i don’t come home from college because i miss my family. i come home because i miss my dog. he’s the only one who can comfort me without any stipulations.
i’m stringing him along so he will buy me a new phone.
you are an amazing wonderful person. i know i am extremely lucky that you chose me and i wish i could love you the way i love her. you deserve it. what you don’t deserve is me.
i am so scared that i only love him because he was the one that held me that whole month after i was raped
i fucked my mom after my dad raped me.
i was so desperate for him to love me again i tried to sabotage his new relationship. it didn’t work and i have the scars to prove it.
if i don’t get the help i need i’m going to commit suicide tonight.
sometimes i want to cut again.
i’m afraid to bring the guy i like home because i’m a totally different person around my friends than i am with my mom at home.

textsecret

2009-09-28T16:31:00.000-07:00

got a secret
can you keep it?
swear this one you'll save
better lock it, in your pocket
taking this one to the grave

why when we do our darkest deeds
do we tell?
they burn in our brains
become a living hell
cause everyone tells
everyone tells…

you swore you'd never tell…
you swore you'd never tell…

selected lines from “secret”
by the pierces

i just finished reading lessons from a dead girl by jo knowles. it was excellent. i read it because of the dedication: “for anyone who has held a secret”.

“alright wtf... its been like a month... new secrets? i knowwww your [sic] getting a ton... please post them i dont want this site to just stop :(“

i actually don’t get a ton anymore and most are from people who send them regularly. of the new secrets posted below, only seven are from phone numbers i’ve not seen before. honestly, i have considered just stopping and not posting any more secrets. maybe the experiment has run its course. without the myspace blog to remind people about the project, the texts come in from the same few folks each posting and i suspect those are the only folks reading. i won’t stop just yet. i will see how it continues on. i won’t say when my next post will be though. the last post was seven weeks ago and this is all i have to show you. as always, thank you for sharing.

every summer i try to recreate myself in hopes people like me better.
i’m secretly glad you don’t want to be around that bitch and your baby but i act outraged around the other moms i talk to. too much drama at 17.
i would do just about anything to be loved again.
when fat or unattractive people walk by me i instinctively hold my breath. alternately, when attractive men walk by i breathe deeply.
my ex has me terrified for the life of myself and our child. i’m 17, what did i do to deserve him? i love our son to death and wouldn’t trade him i just wish he had a different dad.
things have changed. i don’t hate you anymore. it’s not worth the energy and i have more important things to do.
i’m an innocent bystander. or maybe not so innocent.
everything has always been about me. now that it’s about my sister i am trying to be supportive and excited about her life but all i feel is jealousy.
the best relationship i’ve had was a lie. i knew she was too good to be true.
i don’t think i’ll ever get over the cruelty, the blunt force trauma, of my grandmother, my only living relative, not loving me. nothing hurts quite like it.
i have the words “bitch” and “fuck up” permanently carved into my thigh but no one knows that’s what it is.
it’s crazy how fast i fell for you. i think you could actually be what i need. don’t let me down like the rest of them.
my big brother lets me "practice" giving bj's on him. he's not gay. he says 'head is head'.
i just relapsed to cutting after almost 2 years of stopping. i feel awful for doing it but the release it brought was amazing.
i cheated on a guy i am so in love with but i feel very little guilt over it.
i can finally go to sleep without crying. this summer was the best one yet.
some days i wonder if i left the love of my life, the only man who would ever love me. i’m terrified that i’ll end up alone and have no one to blame but myself. / i can’t stand alone anymore. i’m letting go and falling whether someone catches me or not.
worst weekend i’ve had in a long time. it’s been four months and i really wanna give in and just rip my skin to shreds.
i just took six anti-anxiety pills and one “happy” pill. i wish i were brave enough to kill myself.

textsecret

2009-08-10T20:53:00.000-07:00

answer: not really i don't. sometimes. maybe a little. not the secrets themselves, if you know what i mean...

i think the problem with me is that when a new boy and i don’t work out i always crave my ex-boyfriend’s attention. the security that he’ll always have feelings for me is nice. i’m just worried that of the day he realizes there is actually no chance of another relationship with us and move on. it’s selfish but that’s reality and i won’t be made a fool. i am stronger than that. sometimes i really miss having a relationship with you and i don’t know how i feel when you start talking to other people. i really just want you to man up, to make a move to show that you actually want to try and work things out. but i start thinking about the reasons why we broke up and it keeps me from dialing your number and asking to hang out with you again. / i’m starting to miss what we had. all of it. i miss you wanting me to be a part of your life. you say you miss me but you don’t act like it. i want to tell you how i feel but i feel like it’s not in your best interest. maybe it’s my lack of patience but i want you. i know i’ve hurt you but we can make it work. i’m willing to work for a chance with you if you allow it. i’m more than willing. no time like the present. say yes please?
my mother’s youngest sister is only two years older than me. she taught me all about sex this summer while she was visiting. i miss her.
i’m in love with x but i’ll never have the balls to tell him. i’m just the girl getting the cherry blossom tattoo. / i’ll let men i don’t know talk to me and flirt with me online because it turns me on too. i like to seduce any guy i talk to online too.
i sleep with a minimum of two new guys a semester. what they say about art school girls is true!
everything from this point forward will be either to put off or prepare for my death. that i will kill myself has ceased to become a choice but a necessity.
i’m in love with a 30 year old. he’s my best friend’s brother. we are finally moving in together. i know this will tear apart our friendship.
i hate wanting something i’ve never had and never will have. / sweetie, i really don’t like your mom and i hate that you’re a big mama’s boy. / postsecret has taught me that we are never alone. no matter what we go through, someone else is always in the same place sharing our pain and our joy. / i was surprised that you never tried to talk to me again. if you tried now it would be harder since i got a new phone number. / i don’t see any good in myself.
my brother came home from college and leaves the bathroom door open when he showers. i masturbate while i watch. i leave the door open now too and i hope that he is watching!
i always seem to make good arguments but ninety percent of the time i have no idea what i’m talking about.
he’s right, I am a crappy friend. i’m so ashamed. / i’m done being hurt by you. you’ve caused me so much pain since i met you.
i’m sick of you. you are a conceited loser who only cares for yourself. honestly get the fuck over yourself. i’m done putting up with your bullshit.
when you told me i remind you of dad it was the worst thing you could’ve ever said. and you wonder why i don’t trust you.
i found out that he has just been using me for the past couple of years and i tried to kill myself. after lots of thought a couple days later i realized he isn’t worth losing my life over. i will grow from this and move on. but for now it has made me scared to get into another relationship.
i loved him for five years and all he did was hurt me. he finally committed and we live together and now i’m discovering a whole new side to him. i’ve pushed everyone who tried helping me away. i miss my friends, i miss my freedom. i miss not being afraid. i miss me.
i think i love him and that scares me a lot.
for some reason i think when my mom is mad at me she will open her can of beer louder than usual, just to make sure i hear that she’s drinking another.
all of my friends are dicks. every single one.
i had my first orgasm when i was twelve and my daddy was teaching me to ride a horse by riding behind me. now i have them when he takes me for rides on the back of his motorcycle and my arms are wrapped tight around him.
i wanted you to fight for me but instead you let me go. thank you for the best winter of my life.
i think i’m in love with you but it can’t be love. not yet. for years i’ve been so sure that love can’t happen this soon yet still i’m in love with you.
i’m letting you go because i thought you were better. you’ve only made my bad situation worse. i’m sorry, sort of.
my little bother caught me giving my boyfriend a blow job and i have to blow him now to keep him quiet. the thing is i like blowing him more than my boyfriend
i was cheating on my husband with my boy friend and now i’m cheating on them both with my boyfriend’s best friend.
i hate how when i give you advice on how i’d want guys to do certain things for me you do it for her every single time.
i’m a recovering anorexic and i’m jealous of the girls around me who are on their way to getting an eating disorder.
i remember now and i’m so angry at myself for forgetting. i’ve always hated the people who made him cry. well now i hate myself. i love him and i forgot that.
my lies are catching up to me.
i will forgive you. i won’t forget you. please don’t forget me. i still love you. is there a chance you still love me too?
the other day i accidentally slashed my little finger when i was getting ready for bed. it reminded me of when i harmed. i miss it but i know i won't be able to go back to harming.

textsecret

2009-07-23T22:03:00.000-07:00

i check postsecret and textsecret every week hoping to find a message from you. it’s been more than a year and i still hate you for what you did to me but i wish you would come back to me.
i’m sure you really don’t care but if you opened your eyes for one second you’d realize you’ve loved me since we met. that’s why those girls never work out. / i love you because you know me better than anyone else. i told you i loved you platonically and you said i know you love me both ways. i knew you’d say that we…. / as soon as i think you’ve finally got a grasp on it you say something that makes me cry. i’ve lost everyone. you’re my last hope. / i worry that i’m bi-polar because sometimes i just want to shoot somebody for no particular reason.
my plan is to leave when i turn 18 which is two years away but i know i need to finish school but i don’t think i can last an longer. i’m barely hanging on as it is.
i think i’m falling in love with you and it should be the greatest thing that’s ever happened to me but i’m afraid it’ll never work out.
i would trade all of the luxury items i have to not feel lonely anymore. / i wish someone would recognize how fake my smile and laughs are. / i’m ashamed of being bi-sexual.
when i turn 21 i plan on running away and leaving everything behind. honestly, i think everyone would be much better off without me. / i think i’m meant to be alone. i lose anyone that i get close to and never hold on to those who don’t leave. / i just let go of the person who still holds my heart. oddly enough i’m not sad about it. instead i feel free and finally in control of my life.
your little brother is really cute. even though he’s two years younger, i want to date him when he’s older. / i’m so tired of those stupid games we play. please break up with me for real this time. it would make everything so much easier.
i’m falling for you way too quickly. i need someone to catch me this time. i only hope you’re falling for me too.
i want us to be like we were before sex. i want you to want me.
i’m going to be a senior and i have no idea where i’m going to go in life and i would much rather die than have to choose. / i’d have to say that my two biggest fears in life are not being able to find love and becoming financially unstable. just like my mom. / sometimes i just want to take a hot lighter and burn it into my leg. mainly to see what it would be like. but maybe it can relieve me of the emotional pain. / i wish he would think more of me but what can i do… / i’m waiting to meet someone who knows how i feel and doesn’t just feel sympathy towards me but has been/is going through what i am.
i never felt less beautiful than i do right now. / i wish she would quit getting herself into these situations. she deserves so much better.
i can’t wait for the day when i wake up next to you.
my ex-best friend hates me and i’m tempted to tell people all of the shit i know about her and all the things she has said about all of her close friends to me. she’s a fucking terrible person and i can’t wait for her constant lies and manipulation to catch up with her.
i wish i had someone to talk me out of throwing up but i could never tell any of my friends. hate feeling so lonely.
i know i’m a goddamn piece of work but i am so happy that you’re still here. / is it so bad that all i ask is that you show me more affection? your “i love you came too late. i don’t know who i’m more sorry for – you or myself.
i tell him that i don’t trust him but it’s really me that i don’t trust.
i wish that he would talk to me but i know i fucked up things for good and i can’t do anything to change that. / hoping i’m just imagining the lump i can feel in my breast. i’m only 16. is breast cancer possible at my age? i’m not ready to die. / i never wanted to drink my life away more than i do right now. fuck…
today i ran into him after a long time of not seeing him. i thought i was over him but i guess i’m not.
i can’t stand myself most days.
i’m always afraid that when i’m not with you you’re cheating on me.
i’ve never felt as sad as i do right now. i don’t know why i put myself through this just to wait around for nothing to happen. i love you but i hate myself.
there hasn’t been a day for the past three years that i haven’t thought about killing myself. i’ve never told anyone because don’t think i’m worth the argument.
i want talking about your cheating to make it better or easier but really it just makes it even harder for me to believe you when you tell me i’m beautiful.
he tried to break me but he didn’t. he couldn’t. i’m too strong and i have too many amazing people behind me.
during the times when i feel like ending it all, the only thing that stops me is the thought of how my father would feel. i love you daddy.
wearing thongs doesn’t make me a slut. being a slut makes me a slut.
we all took a trip together this weekend. i’ve never felt more left out of a group. / i saw your secret here. it made me sad but i’m glad i saw it. it’s the only news i’ve heard of you in six weeks.
i’m scared because i don’t know what’s going to happen when you leave for school. you have a hard time living on your own but i don’t. i’m not saying that i want to continue my life without you because i don’t but i just don’t want to grow too far apart that you don’t need me anymore. / chicks before dicks my ass! and you thought my boyfriend took all of my time. your boyfriend is taking all of your time!
i wish people did not love me so i can do things and then not have to worry.
i’m slowly drowning in my own realization of life. i’ve pretended for too long that i’m happy with who i am. i’m not. i’m ready to give up.
i know you think dumping you because of your coke addiction was ridiculous but i couldn’t be with someone who reminded me of my past.
the only thing that keeps me from cutting is having to actually talk to my parents again.
my boyfriend is going out of town tomorrow night for work. i hate when he does because he goes out to the bars. i trust him but i’m so insecure. what if he finds someone better than me? i’m 8 weeks pregnant and don’t know how to calm myself down ever.
i finally left you after 3.5 years of bullshit. i’m sleeping with your best friend now and have never been happier. i can’t wait until we tell you.
i tell my friend she can mess around with my ex-boyfriends even though i am so in love with them.
i ran away for the weekend with a boy who thought he was gay. then he didn’t. he said he loved me. we had sex. now he’s gay again. but i lied to him about my dad hitting my because i didn’t want him to know that i cut myself and that the random guys i was sleeping with were the ones bruising me. / i’m a girl that’s in love with my old best girl friend. she’s bi and i’m only bi for her. i like other boys, just not girls. i want her.
i’m setting you free. i don’t deserve you. i deserve better!
i haven’t had meaningful sex in almost two years. i’ve slept with six guys since then and i want to have someone that wants to have sex with me because i mean something to them. i want love again.

text secret

2009-06-23T16:17:00.000-07:00

i saw you on saturday morning. we spent all saturday night and sunday together. i smiled at you monday morning and you smiled back. you left monday afternoon. it’s monday night and i’ve been crying for hours.
i’m afraid of losing him. i’m afraid that one day he’ll text and say that we can’t talk anymore. i’m most afraid of him never texting back at all. / even though i’m younger and you’re older i would drop everything i have here to be with you. i honestly think you’re all i need.
i love the fact that i was lied to for this long. how fucking classy.
being away from my girlfriend sucks. i think i’m starting to forget how much i really do love her. / as the days of summer pass i’m afraid that i’m very close to losing the person behind the reason of my very existence. / most recently, i think that my ex-boyfriend is the man i’m going to marry 10 – 15 years from now.
boy, i think that i’m in love with you.
i wish that i could move far away with just my family and feel guilty for leaving my friends. i love them; i just don’t want them anymore.
my friends and therapist think that i’m doing better than i actually am. / the voices tell me to die. i haven’t told my therapist about them because i refuse to go to a psych ward. / you can’t say that i guilt tripped you. if it was a guilt trip then you would have to be able to feel guilt, which would require you to have a soul.
i know that i should finish school and fulfill my potential but i really want to stay home and have babies.
i feel like there are too many places to live and too many lifestyles to try to fit into one life. i am curious about living so many different ways and places i don’t know how to do it. i feel like i’m never gonna live my life the way i dream. i want it to be some ways it probably never will be and that terrifies me. i’m scared to get old. i’m scared that i can’t get back my youth and my parents aren’t letting me live what i have left of it.
i’m sad you let me go this quickly. i wish you would fight to keep me as much as i fought to keep you in the beginning.
i want nothing more than to be able to walk away from you. but every night i steel myself to, i end up dreaming of what we had and find it impossible to do it. / i’m not comfortable in my own life. there are so many things that can go horribly wrong and that terrifies me.
i don’t feel like part of the family anymore, which isn’t helping anything.
i hate that you saw me in short shorts. i only wanted one man to see that much skin. ever.
you just crashed your car rushing to meet me. then you told me you liked me over the phone. i told you i liked you too, but i don’t.
my girlfriend is out at prom right now because she couldn’t take me. some other guy is walking around with my girl. i’m infuriated.
i’m miserable.
today i wish was my last. i’m just so tired. i would make it my last but i would feel bad putting anyone out to bury me. i don’t know how to be a degenerate. i just don’t know how to change.
i wish that you would treat me bad just once so that i could feel ok about wanting to leave you.
i am going through a divorce because my husband and i have had an open marriage and he fell in love with his girlfriend. he wants to marry her and have babies. / he and this relationship were completely unexpected and absolutely welcome. i don’t know what i would do without his support and caring and belief in me.
why won’t you let me love you? we could both use the comfort.
i sometimes wish that i had been killed in the car crash that killed my friend. it may have made things easier.
i still don’t know which of my best friend’s brothers is which! i’ve known her for 6 years.
i tell everyone about how i have so many friends so they won’t know how alone i truly am.
i am married. i text my ex from 3 years ago to see how he was. he is still bitter. it somehow makes me feel good that he is married and still has feelings.
i felt happier with the boy whom i’ve had a fling with for two weeks than the relationship i’ve had for more than nine months. now he has a girlfriend. i wished he could have loved me the way i loved him. i wished i was one of his top priorities like he was mine. i wished that his action would have done the speaking rather than pointless words that never came to be. no, you weren’t a waste of my time; i just hope you treat your next girlfriend like the princess she should be treated like. like i was never treated.
i’m the best fucking thing that will ever happen to you and i can’t wait for the day that you wake up completely alone and realize that.
we talked about suicide at youth group tonight. it brought back lots of old suicidal thoughts i haven’t had since my last attempt. / no one’s ever really been there for me and i’m beginning to see why.
it annoys me when my friends complaining about their lives when they have everything going for them.
post secret is the reason i met the love of my life.
i suddenly don’t feel like doing this anymore but i feel powerless to change it. / i cut today. it never makes me happy but it does make me feel so good. unfortunately. / i’m starting to really not like this lifestyle but i’m terrified about what i’d have to do to change it. / today i want to kill myself and what really bothers me is that i don’t have a reason other than i don’t want to live anymore.
i’m making someone i know is right for me wait so i can see if i can make my current messed-up relationship work. you said the idea of me snorting my pills kind of bothers you. so i do it in the bathroom so you don’t have to watch.
i hate my orientation. it prevents me from having normal relationships with my best friends because i always end up falling in love with them. i wish i was normal.
my best friend died 3 days ago and i’ve never felt more alone and empty.
i lied to my boyfriend about cheating on him. it is his baby. i was just scared he would take him. now it’s killing him. i wish i didn’t lie. i can’t tell him.
i gave my boyfriend the number to this website. god now i regret it. what if he sent one of these in? i’m scared.
i miss you wanting me.
i'm the girl you like. and i don't know how to handle it either. but i do know how i feel about you....
i wish everyone would see you the way i do.
part of me wishes she'd make a move. i'm too afraid and insecure. i can't do it. what if she rejected me?
inside i’m crying for the loss of my best friend/ex-bf/baby daddy...he won’t ever know how much actually need him....
it kills me to hear you say that you want me gone.
i'm going to kiss her next time i get her alone. i'm going to do it. i need to. i hope she feels the chemistry like i do.
last night i had a dream about him. with every inch of my body, i desperately want it to come true.
you told me you were still in love with me an i told you i was pregnant... you told me to get an abortion an i said i can't do that... that was the last time i heard from you... as much as i hate you i miss you so much....
i wish someone would reach out to me an see how much i am really hurting... i could really use someone right now but everyone else is too busy with their own problems to see how much i need them...
i will be strong and hold it all in. i am better than this. i am i am i am i am… i hope….
your eyes give it all away, there's so much to say. but we leave it unsaid.

textsecret

2009-05-25T14:14:00.000-07:00

i recently read a novel by melina marchetta called, "on the jellicoe road". it was gripping and moving and i wanted to share this with you all in the hopes you will pick up the book and read it yourselves. the story references a bible verse that made me think of this site and ps immediately.

matthew 10:26 - "...therefore do not fear them, for there is nothing concealed that will not be revealed, or hidden that will not be known."

i felt comforted when i thought of this verse in relation to secrets. maybe it's just me....

here are the secrets for the past three weeks. thank you all for sharing.

it’s disappointing to watch my best friend make the same mistakes repeatedly. maybe 500 miles farther will be good.
i know what cutters mean by feeling a release when they cut. i’m the same way except with scalding water. that way, no one knows i harm myself but me.
i feel so self-conscious about my stretch marks. it keeps me from wearing bikinis and tank tops during the summer. i’d give anything to not have scars.
i wish you’d stop asking me about it. if i wanted to talk about what was bothering me i would talk. right now i just want to suffer silently. i may talk later… / it’s at times like these that i really wish i never existed. / i never feel more alone than when i’m in a room full of people.
i haven’t ever had a real best friend. every girl needs a girl best friend. my sister has had her best friend since kindergarten. now she’s a freshman and i’m a senior and i’m still looking. it sucks.
my older brother’s best friend slept over last night and i gave him my virginity. the whole time i was thinking of my brother.
i told him i loved him and that i wanted nothing more but to be in a relationship with him. i thought he felt the same way. He didn’t.
i hate my best friend and she doesn’t even care.
every time i want to tell him exactly how i feel i type it out on my phone and send it to you instead. it’s oddly liberating. / i love you. i wish you would wake up and realize you belong to me. all she’s causing you is heartache. i would make you so incredibly happy.
i told myself i wouldn’t lie through recovery. but i’m too afraid to tell my therapist the truth because we’re such good friends.
you used to smile at me. we used to have so much fun goofing around. what happened?
even though i know it’s not real and nothing will happen, i’m petrified to say “bloody mary” three times in front of a mirror. / no matter what anyone says, until i think i’m skinny i’m not.
i check your blog everyday with a little spark of hope that you could’ve posted that day.
i know i will never feel good enough for anyone, not even myself. i wish i cold have the confidence you do.
i am so in love with him.
i’m beginning to think i don’t really want to talk to him anyways and that bothers me. i love him but i also need him. why hasn’t he replied for 8 hours?
i’m terrified of having children. my mom always knows what to do, when to do it, and how to do it perfectly. i’m scared i will never know like she does.
i love gloryholes! there’s nothing better than a strange man’s cum all over my face.
i can’t be around my uncle without being on the verge of tears the whole time. he reminds me too much of my dad.
babe, i cut you off like a cancer. don’t put this blame on me, you did this to yourself.
i’m trapped by the one man who swore to love me and not hurt me. all my friends warned me, now they’re gone and no one will save me.
you hurt me yet i’d still be with you, giving you another chance to hurt me again.
for every bad turning point in my life, a good one follows. i’m finally done with your bullshit and i have other friends who will think kindly of me. so screw off! / she died yesterday. i found out today. all i can think about is how death comes in threes and how i always find this stuff out a day later. / i’m betting 20 bucks that she already made out with a few of the guys she’s just met. wait until her boyfriend finds out.
i really did want to die that day. the only thing that keeps me from doing it is knowing i have a child that only has me to count on. i’m glad i got pregnant so young. she saved me.
i’m kind of a spoiled brat.
i honestly don’t know what i’m gonna do when he comes and visits. / i think i might have actually met a decent guy in portland. / i’m sick and tired of feeling so flawed. i can’t stand how our society makes people think they need to look a certain way.
i know if i was skinnier i’d be sluttier.
i love you. call me crazy but sometimes it seems like you feel the same way. i just want you to.
it’s been over a year. i’ve moved on and she has too. so why do i still get jealous when i see her with her girlfriend? / sometimes i wish i didn’t exist.
it’s been five months and i still love him like we’ve never been apart.
i cannot wait for you to go to louisiana. you think people care that you’re leaving but they don’t. i will not miss you.
i’ve pushed everyone away because of my eating disorder except for him. now i feel like he is getting tired of me and my crap.
i’m planning on testing out of high school and i haven’t told any of my friends.
my best friend is leaving for college, another is moving to north carolina to start new, and i’m still stuck here in the same old position feeling lonelier than ever. / i have a sex-crazed boyfriend that i don’t even like anymore. my close friend doesn’t even know me, and my mom hates me for bullshit reasons. i want to fly somewhere, not tell anyone where i am and become an anti-social wreck. that way i’m no longer dependent on undependable people.
i love when we go to big family gatherings because my cousins and i have been having sex since we were twelve.
i’m falling for her. she likes me. i have a boyfriend but i’m falling for her. hard. that’s not even half of it. how can i handle this?
i wish things were easier. i know you feel the same way about me. at least i have myself convinced that you do. i still want my chance but i know i won’t get it. speak your mind please.
i need turbulence in my life to be happy.
i hope that x makes you regret it.
you are all i ever wanted. i’m so in love with you but when i feel the most i can’t help but also feel like you could be faking it. please don’t fail me baby.

text secret

2009-05-04T15:25:00.000-07:00

i'm still here. i'm healthy. i'm moved by all of the comments asking after me. one clever person noticed i had logged on to my myspace page! frankly, i didn't think my absence would go noticed and that this site would soon be forgotten. i've gotten a couple of texts asking about me. i thank you for your concern. my internet access is limited to the library right now. for some reason, this site is blocked, or won't load, or something and i haven't even been able to log on to blogger to do the updates. so that is why i haven't updated for a while. updates may come irregularly until i can secure another way to access what i need to to do this. i've continued receiving secrets though so here is what i've gotten over the weeks. thank you for sharing.

please, just put the bottle down. what would i do without you?
i’ve never felt so helpless in my life. breaking off this friendship feels as if i just got divorced. i miss you more than ever, love you no less, and wish this never happened.
i wish my mom could take a walk in my shoes for a day so then she could see how hard i really have it. / i think losing weight and getting a boyfriend will solve all of my problems.
my friends complain about their moms every day. they don’t know my mom is dying. when she’s gone my world is going to fall apart.
you dress slutty to get his attention. you also get the attention of so many other guys. i hate walking around in public with you while you’re dressed like that.
every time we fight she says, “i don’t care”. as soon as those words leave her mouth i wonder if she would care if i killed myself.
i don’t know how to tell him i think i’m in love with him.
i got so wasted i was lying down in bed and thought you were there. i cried, told you how much i loved you and needed you. i woke up and realized nobody was there.
i’m beginning to trust myself.
all my friends are dead. / i’m in love with him and he knows it and i’m finally free.
i’m so tired of being single and her acting like a whore and having a lineup of potential boyfriends.
my boyfriend is an overly jealous person and i feel suffocated. but sometimes i feel like i do give him reasons to be jealous.
my boyfriend and i broke up then i found out he is gay. now one of my friends is trying to hook-up with him and she doesn’t know. i think it’s funny. / i recently found that i really like my best friend but we’re too close to ruin it. he’s all i have. i just wish i new how he felt about me.
my happiness is merely an illusion. when i’m laughing with you i’m really thinking about how lonely i am and how i wanna go home and cut again.
i have a set of rules i follow to keep myself at a happy and functional level. i don’t know how/why but no matter how hard i try i always break those rules.
x was the reason i said i’d never drink, do drugs, or cut again. now that he turned his back i’m worried i’m going to break all three of those promises just like he did.
i hate that you wanted me to kill our baby with an abortion. i hate that i keep hearing rumors that you and your ex are going to take this baby from me.
i get depressed while watching kid/teen movies because i know my life will never be that fun or perfect.
i’m in love with a wonderful guy but i often think of cheating on him with my ex because we had better sex.
he wants another chance and i’m almost fool enough to give it to him. / i gave myself an eating disorder because i wanted to lose a few more pounds. here i am, 3 years later and 50 pounds lighter, and i hate myself more than when i started.
i wish i had talent.i know the australian accent is fake but goddamned it is hot.
sometimes i think everyone would be better off if i were dead.
i really miss talking to them everyday.
you are so rude, so very rude. i’m excited for the weekend because i won’t have to see you.
the most depressing thought in the world is thinking that i will never be truly in love because i know the pain of rejection too well. i hope i’m wrong. am i?
the feeling of not having any friends sucks and i know i have friends.
i love him. but every time he hits me it gets a little harder.
i wish things had been reversed the way we often talk about. you and i would be so much happier together. i wish that i had made a move or that you had.
i really feel like i’m secretly bi but i can’t tell anyone.
my boyfriend broke up with me because he was scared to marry me. he will never know how bad it hurt me. we’re back together again no thanks to the dirty whore who convinced him to do it in the first place. she is such a slut but i love him even though he kissed her.
it’s not the fact that i will eventually die that scares me. it’s the fact that life will go on for everyone else.
my future husband doesn’t want to adopt kids. i may not be able to have children. i don’t know which i’d choose; him or kids.
you’ve reassured me a million times. i still think you’re lying.
i think he’s my super hero. / i’ve finally fallen out of love with you.
you tell me it’s inevitable and sometimes i just wish it would happen already so you’d be out of my life and i could quit trying to help you.
i don’t care if there are tons of homeless animals. i save my compassion for people.
i think losing weight and finding a boyfriend will solve all my problems.
i’m glad my husband is in prison. i called his parole officer. i’m sorry it had to come to this. i still love him, i’m just glad he’s gone.
i’m in love with my best friend and i feel so unlucky.
one of my friends knows me better than everyone else yet claims to not get me. i wish she would realize this and stop being so ignorant.
this guy i like said he can’t talk to me anymore because he can’t stand being in love. that was yesterday and i can’t stop crying and won’t get out of bed.
it’s been almost three weeks since i stopped talking to you and it’s killing me but i can’t stand the way you have been acting. i hope you can take the hint and change.
i know you would all be better off without me. i'm too much of a coward to ever do it.

2009-04-14T11:26:00.000-07:00

this sucks, all of my friends have a date to jr. prom. i’m the only one going solo. / i wish i could find a guy who didn’t judge on looks and actually got to know me. it kills me that people like my niece, who is a slut, can find guys and i can’t.
i need you more than ever. come here.
all of the secrets about incest disgust me. but they also turn me on.
i went to tijuana with a bunch of friends and we all went to see the donkey show. afterward we all talked about how disgusted we were but i was so turned on i couldn’t wait to get home to my dog!
i’m a couple of images from being the happiest ever. i’m a couple of images from ending it all.
for the first time in years i am truly happy. you’ve made me feel better about myself and have given me a good reason to wake up every morning with a smile on my face. thank you.
i’m wanting a cigarette. / you were the best thing i ever did have, until you turned your back and never looked back.
i’ve never met the boy that loves me.i don’t like how much control and impact he has on my life. / i’m sick of being alone. i just want to find that special someone and stick with them forever and ever.
two more months, then my sister graduates. the next day we are moving to a new town and setting up new lives as husband and wife. i love her so much!
i read a song he wrote and i’m pretty sure he wrote it for me. thing is, lately we haven’t been talking. the chorus said he loved me.
my best friend is jealous that i’m finally happy and now is an asshole all the time. / it’s really stupid how people are so self centered that they think i have nothing better to do than talk about them and their life. fuck that.
i take my mom’s prescription pain medication hoping it will heal the mental pain. it never does. but It makes the physical pain feel real good.
why can’t i ever just meet a cute amazing boy? do i not deserve to be happy?
today (april 12th) my best friend said we’re done. i can’t stop crying.
i will choose you over her in a heartbeat, but i don’t think i’m going to get that chance.
i would have been so happy with you.
my boyfriend broke up with me because i live too far away. a week later he got another girlfriend. she lives in the same city i do.
when i send in a secret, i know that you’ll be able to figure out which one is mine. it’s strangely comforting.
my mom sneaks into my room when i’m jerking off. she doesn’t know that i know.
i would give anything to make you happy.
i keep telling myself only two more years until i can get out of this hellhole but the truth is i don’t think i can last much longer.
i’ve been in love. it’s not it’s not worth the pain. i never want to fall in love again. i’d rather be alone for the rest of my life.
my friends don’t realize how well my plan is going. the only one who is going to hurt when it happens is me.
i’ve been drunk for two weeks straight. i’m going on three and i really don’t know what to do.

textsecret

2009-04-06T09:21:00.001-07:00

he’s going to remember me forever. i hope i didn’t screw up his first kiss.
i want to kill that asshole. the only thing i had to remember him by and you fucking do that? and then laugh about it?! some friend…
you think you won a big prize. but honey, the only reason you keep him interested is because you keep opening your legs and it’s disgusting. both of you are.
i found pictures of my best friend on my dad’s phone that she had sexted to him and i got jealous because i don’t want him to think she is prettier than me. i’ve sent him pictures now too!
i told him how i felt. the feelings weren’t reciprocated. it was strangely liberating. i don’t need you anymore.
it made me feel more alive than anything ever has and now i won’t let myself. and somehow not cutting is supposed to make me feel better?
there’s only one thing that i believe that he said; that my best isn’t really my best. thanks asshole. / like always, when good things happen, there is always a price to pay. in this case, i’m losing one of my “bests”. we’ll see if it’s for the better.
my life is going so well lately it scares the shit out of me.
i cheated and if i tell you, you will forgive me. you will tell me how much you love me and beg me to stay to work on it. but i love you so much that i almost hate you for it. no one should get to hurt you like that. i’m so sorry.
i feel like i have a real life that i’m living and a second life in my head that no one knows about. i’m happier in the imaginary one.
i work so hard to ensure her happiness and in the end all i get are tears. why am i never enough?
i wonder if the only reason i’m so skinny is because i have a medical problem, but i refuse to go to the doctor because i’m afraid once they fix it i’ll be fat.
my cousin raped me when i was asleep. i woke up but pretended to be asleep the whole time. he’s still one of my best friends.
i think i’m in love with a guy i’m not dating. i’m not even sure if he likes me as more than a friend.
i lied. i used a butter knife. / it depresses me to the extreme when i go a whole day on a full cell phone charge and lose no bars. it makes me feel so empty and alone.
whenever there is a thunderstorm, i pretend to be scared so my dad will let me get into bed with him. then when he is asleep again i play with his penis.
i lie all the time. to everyone. to friends and family. i don’t even think about it anymore and people actually believe me.
i’m sick of the stories where everything with the couple ends up perfect and in love. what about the rest of us who don’t get a good ending? what happens to us?
when i spend the night at my friend’s house, i have sex with his mom after he goes to sleep.
my mom makes my lunch.
she says i have proven to her that i am incapable of settling down and that all that is left to do for me is to stay at home alone sitting in the corner. she also said she will not try to stop me if i try to get away. she is a liar.
so i like him a lot and he likes me too but i don’t know to what extent. i want to show him differently from all of the other girls, i want to prove him wrong and i know i can. but i just want to give up now. it feels like this is going no where with him.
it’s been almost three weeks. i didn’t think it would be this hard to stop. i want to cut every freaking day.
every day that i don’t talk to you i feel a weight off of my shoulders. the problem is there is always a weight added to my heart.
i save textsecrets that i connect with so when i read them later i can think, “i’m not alone.”
the 18th is going to be so awkward. it’s going to be my first time seeing him in forever. i think i might still like him, or at least my memory of him.
he’s the reason why i wake up each day. he has finally given me something to look forward to and i can’t even have him to myself.
to the secret about practicing giving bj’s on your brother; thanks for the idea! my brother and i have never been so close.
please don’t let anything happen to you because i don’t think i would be able to handle it.
one of my son’s best friends since kindergarten sent an invitation for me, to my office, for her 18th birthday party, with a lipstick kiss. i’ve been hard ever since!

textsecret

2009-03-31T11:28:00.000-07:00

i hate looking for a job. it is the most irritating thing that i have ever had to do.
i’m gay.
i just want to hold your hand. snuggle close on your couch. you feel like home to me. we’re perfect together, i just wish you could see that. i wish i could tell you. / no one knows how much i masturbate. at least once a day i read lesbian erotica and masturbate, no matter where i am. i’m a girl and i think i’m straight. / i’m not dying. i just told them that so they want me in their lives more. it’s just another excuse to push everyone away so i never have to get too close.
i’m slowly pushing everyone who means something to me away so when i leave no one will hurt as much as i do.
i told everyone i got over my best friend a month ago but as i was driving him home today i looked in his eyes and wondered if i made any progress at all. at the time i thought it was the truth but now i’m not sure. i would be his if he asked and i’m so ashamed. i can’t afford to lose him because of this all over again.
i want to be back in your life but obviously you don’t want to be back in mine. i wish things were different. i love you. i never stopped. i’m sorry i pushed you away. / i’ve decided i’m done caring. caring only gets you hurt and i’m sick of being hurt.
you’re assuming that what i haven’t told you yet is that i love you but what you don’t know is that i’m bi and very much in love with you.
he shaves his ass. he is gross. / her unibrow could seriously use some plucking. i guess she thinks it matches her mustache.
i’m beginning to think that love is just not in the cards for me and some days i’m really ok with that.
i’m getting married! this is the happiest i’ve been since my son was born. i don’t plan on telling anyone yet. / ha! he wants me to stop smoking? when he stops looking at porn i will stop smoking. like he will ever stop.
i’m a sophomore in high school and an uncontrollable nymphomaniac. i couldn’t be happier.
this is so difficult. i can’t tell if i’m keeping him close or pushing him away. i can’t lose my best friend. / there’s this kid, only two of my friends know i like him. i’m really hoping he will ask me to prom. i know he probably already has a date. this sucks. i wanna ask. / this is the proudest i have been of myself in a long time. now i just have to move on to my next goal.
i can’t wait for you to move away so i can be a better person.
i can’t look my boyfriend in the face because the only person i see when i do is you.
i’m not beautiful. it’s ok for you to say so. i’d rather have you say i’m not then lie to my face and make fun of people who look like me. stop saying i’m beautiful.
i know who i am, i am your’s.
to the text about dr. frank-n-furter, you’re not alone. i find him sexy too.
i’m so happy i’m with you now but despite what you tell me i sometimes question if you really feel the same.
i met someone new but i don’t feel the same connection i did with my ex. i’m afraid i might just be using him so i don’t feel so alone anymore.
i have decided that if things don’t get better for me by the time i think of a good suicide note i will do it. i’ve got it all planned except the note.
i never win.
i’ve been anorexic for two years. i’ve been getting better. the love of my life made a comment yesterday about my curves. i’ve shoved my finger down my throat five times since then.
my mother always brags about how good a driver i am but the truth is i’m fucking terrible and can’t remember any of the rules. if she knew i would never drive again.
she didn’t see craig owens.
i just want someone to tell me everything is going to be ok.
you’re my best friend but right now you’re being a whore. p.s. stop with the dumb act attention whore doesn’t look good on you.
every time i pee it makes me think of the mythbusters episode with peeing on the third rail and how they never tested if real pee streams stay together.
i’m afraid that the only reason i’m still with you is to prove her wrong. you may love me but i think i’m only attached. i’m sorry. i’ll wait for you to leave.
i hope he realizes that i will always love him more than i could ever love myself.

textsecret

2009-03-23T07:53:00.000-07:00

flectere si nequeo superos, acharaeronta move bo.
my insides haven’t been hurting for a while now. i kind of miss the pain.
truth is i don’t want to share any of it. i wanna save it all for myself and get a feeling like no other. / i wish i could tell him that i know about her and i just wish he would know that it’s tearing me apart even if i don’t show it. / sometimes i just want my secrets everywhere, shout them out to the world, let everyone know the real me, tell my best. but i’m too afraid of being judged again. / i wish i was as happy as everyone believes.
i used to fantasize about dr. frank-n-furter, from ‘rocky horror’, and myself. i think his fishnets and his corset are sexy.
i’ve had sex with my father in the same room as we were.
everyone around me is starting to hate me. they don’t know i’m doing this on purpose so they won’t miss me when i’m gone.
i am in love. i know my dad. i hate wow. i’m adopted. i don’t get hurt a lot. i am a liar. i know that. too bad no one else does.
i think i’m in love with my best friend. i was having sex with my fwb and i was thinking about my best friend the whole time. but my bestie is gay. what do i do? / i’m afraid you’ve left too many times for us to be ok again.
i wish we were close enough to ask you why. maybe someday?
a psychic told my mom that in the month of march i’ll start to see that i’m pretty much over him. so why do i have this nagging feeling that he’s cheating on me?
i killed myself on february 5 but they revived me. now, every fifth day of a new month, i’m sure i will have that craving to finally be free, again.
i would give anything to marry him right now. i hate being underage.
the more we talk the more i want you back in my life forever. / how come every guy in the world can see me but he can’t?
i was never really alive. / i know i’m getting fat because when the bus went down bumpy roads my thighs jiggled too.
when i read, ‘a relationship is two people equally needing each other’, i instantly become afraid that i might be needing my girlfriend more than she needs me.
i really want to develop an eating disorder so i can be skinny for once.
sometimes i wish you would really just drop dead. you were my all at one point and look at it now you sold me out with your new fake attitude and your new fake life. i know you miss me so stop fighting it and let go. you’ll never know how much i hate but how much i care for you.
i can’t stand my best friend’s parents. every time i see them i want to tell them what assholes they are to her, but i never do.
it has been over two years but i still love him more and more everyday. i never expected this but it is more than welcome.
i kinda wish sexual orientation was contagious.
she thinks spandex count as underwear. she’s disgusting.
i wish pokemon were real.
he would love me if my name were mary jane – i hope he quits smoking and maybe be my best friend again, not a memory.
he’s ok with my other boyfriend as long as we don’t go beyond making out. we already have. i’ve wanted him since high school and i wasn’t missing my chance. / i love my eating disorder. / i’m taking my boyfriend’s deployment as an opportunity to dive more completely into my eating disorder.
i’m falling in love with someone i never met but i talk to her all day everyday.
i hate it when she hugs him in front of me because she knows i like him and it’s really annoying and i can’t stand it.
everybody sees it as a bad thing but him cheating showed me he cared. not because i cried countless nights to sleep from being torn into pieces or because every part in my body aches like there’s no tomorrow whenever i think about it but because of what he did afterwards to change, for me.
writing is the only thing i can count on anymore. it’s what keeps me from killing myself. i wish i could do this for a living.

2009-03-16T12:13:00.000-07:00

last week i asked you to answer the question, "what is your armor?". here are your responses:

my 18 month old keeps me strong and reminds me to always pull forward no matter what. he keeps me going. he is my armor.
my armor is my brick wall. i sometimes feel like pink floyd. i’m so scared i will close myself off with no way to escape.
being a slut. nobody can have a real emotional attachment to me if all they see is a slut. nobody can get in; no one can hurt me (nobody but me).
nonchalance is my armor. if i say something casually as though it doesn’t matter to me it won’t. right? anyone too perceptive of this terrifies me.
being stoned in school helps me to ignore how bitchy my friends are. i just smile and imagine hitting them.
misdirection and avoidance. i just keep changing the subject until they all get tired of waiting or forget what we were talking about.
my parent’s love for me is my armor. i know that they are forever accepting me. i love them so much.
my armor is the fake smile i’ve spent the last six years perfecting so people can’t tell when something is wrong.
i am 60lbs overweight. this way people don’t really see me and i can continue to be alone, which is all i want since the divorce.
my armor is the happy facade i hide behind most days. but more than that, my armor is my hetero life mate.
i’m my own armor. self obsessed? not at all. i only wake up every morning and tell myself i’m good enough and strong enough because no one else will do it for me.
my armor is knowing that i am finally with a guy who loves me. all of me and nothing more than me. she said i always look happy. this is the reason.
my smile and personality. i use it to not only keep people from asking questions but to help myself ignore what’s really going on inside my head.
my words and my boyfriend. they both protect me from the world but let me shine and have the world shine back.
my armor is my apathy towards everything.
my armor is a mask. every person in the world sees a different me.

and here are this week's secrets. as always, thank you for sharing.

why can’t he be real with me like he is with everyone else? it’s like he doesn’t want to have anything to do with me. i don’t know why i bother.
i don’t know my best friends anymore and that scares the hell out of me.
we made a pinky pact to be best friends forever. now we’re drifting apart and it kills me. i hope he reads this and realizes that i’m still alive because if not who else will laugh at the word ‘chowder’ with me?
i’m texting you instead of him. i miss him. i love him. he thinks he loves her just so he won’t let himself love me.
my dad deploys to iraq soon. i’m kind of excited because i know i can take advantage of my mom the whole year.
i would love to see my ex and have sex with him. even if he is an asshole he is so fucking attractive!
out of the friends i’ve lost, i miss my online friends more than my real friends because they were my escape from the harsh world. they were there.
i have gained a few pounds the last few months. i take it as a personal insult and sign of disgust at my current body that my boyfriend doesn’t like to having sex.
i forced myself to puke again for the first time in a year. i’ve also been watching how many calories are in the food i eat and limiting how many. today i ate 610.
i just don’t know anymore.
today i almost killed myself by downing a bottle of pills. what stopped me was one of my friends texting me saying, “you mean the world to me. if anything happened to you, i don’t know what i’d do with myself. i hope you have a better day.” she saved my life and for that i am so grateful.
i hope upon hope that this change of scenery is something that can be finally right for me.
she has no friends and i wish she would realize it.
i’m tired of trying to win your love. i’m tired of doing so much for you and giving so much up for you only to be let down again and again. i’m through.
marriage is a scary thing to talk about but when i talk about it with her it feels natural and right (i’m a girl).
i’m falling for someone i met online. i’m scared to meet her because i don't want to find out she isn't as amazing as i thought.
i'm ready to leave him. but if he would just kiss me, the way he used to, i think i might reconsider.
i’ll be 20 this year. i’ve never had a boyfriend nor have i been kissed. you’ll be 26 this year and you have a long distance girlfriend. i would give anything to for you to kiss me and it makes me feel like such a horrible person. i just wish you would stop confiding in me about you girlfriend now that you’ve told me she existed. i know you’re lying about your age and various other things but i’m so depressed about the other situation that i don’t even care and it is so pathetic.
the silence is so loud when you are alone.
a new school and 200 miles separates us but nothing armors my dreams from your face.
…is what is keeping me from fully enjoying what you feel for me. i wish i could relate to love songs without calling myself stupid after each thought.
i will never be loved. i cry myself to sleep. i just want someone to care about me again and love me. i know i’m needy but i miss it terribly and i want to be loved.
so i fall in like with this guy and all he ends up doing is choosing her over me.
our friends are right; we would be so cute, we’re perfect for each other. you think it’s a coincidence you stumbled back into my life?
i had a dream about us finally being together. it seemed so real i didn’t want to wake up.
i’m so scared that my mind dysphasia has turned into cervical cancer but i can’t even tell my boyfriend how i feel. i’m 17; i shouldn’t be scared of having cancer.
now that we’re not together it hurts to watch "jon & kate + 8" because when i do i remember you saying, “that’s what our kids will look like someday”.
he doesn’t feel like my dad anymore.
my little sister has started wearing wristbands now like me. i hope she’s not cutting like me.
i met a new guy! oh, and you’re boring and no fun. i feel so free without you!
i feel sick and tired of him and i am fed up with his crap. i feel like he only talks to me and hangs out with me to get in my pants. why can’t i get over him?
i can’t wait to get out of this town but i am terrified of college.
i am truly against abortions and i give the people i know who have had one shit for it. but if i got pregnant right now i would probably get one and that breaks my heart.
i’m sick of everyone comparing me to my best friend. i’m sick of the fact that no matter what i do everyone loves her and i get nothing. anyone i talk to, it’s always about her.
sleeping with my head on your shoulder is about as close as i get to feeling whole. thank you.
today i got accepted into my first choice college. i’ll be moving and i’ll finally have a fresh start. i can finally leave you and what you did to me behind. it’s a liberating feeling.

2009-03-09T01:45:00.000-07:00

i'm going to attempt another theme week. the last went over so well that i'm keeping my fingers crossed that this will work again. i will also publish any secrets sent to me, just as i did last time. for this week's theme, answer this question:

...what is your armor?

i will not elaborate on the question, so please do not ask. i will only publish one answer per phone number and the answer must fit into the space of a single text (160 characters or less). i'm excited to hear back from you.

please tell your friends about this blog and encourage them to join the conversation.

as always, thank you for sharing. here's this week's secrets:

i wish i had died instead of my mom. since my parents died i haven't felt alive.
i love you. i don’t know how i'm going to live without you. i’m going back over to iraq as a contractor. my only hope is to be killed so i don’t have to deal with pain anymore. so you get your wish that your completely rid of me. i'm sorry i’ve hurt you so bad. i love you.
every night i fear that somebody will tell the authorities about him but none of it ever even happened.
i love him but i’m too afraid to tell him. it’ll kill me if he doesn’t say it back. that’s my biggest fear right now.
you make me so happy.
we’ve been sneaking around for over a year. i’m in love with my daughter’s husband and i’m scared she and my wife will find out.
my sister taught me everything i know about sex.
i heard you broke up. do you think we have a chance to be friends again?
i miss you. all my friends are right. we would end up being together if you were here but i would want it that way. you made me really happy.
whenever i hear, "if i was your vampire", i still think of that night, in the tent, when everything felt perfect.
i’m in love with my best friend. weed brought us together. you’re getting distant but i’m still addicted to both of you.
i hate living at home. i want to move out.
i hate not knowing who my true friends are but i guess not really knowing is part of life.
i’ve never felt more hopeless than i do right now yet people marvel at how strong and happy i am.
i sit in the front of my english class so my teacher can look up my skirt.
nothing hurts me more than to hear my mom say she has no regrets after having an affair. dad was the best thing to happen to her. i guess that was only temporary.
just when i was doing my fucking best, that’s when i see you; plus wife, plus kid.
one time when i was at my girlfriend’s house her dog kept jumping on me so i “spartan kicked” it.
i go to confession without panties and touch myself while the priest is talking.
i can see the good in everybody but myself.
i secretly hope his girlfriend is pregnant so he will have to tell his boyfriend about her. i’m tired of being the only one who knows the truth, especially when he thinks he’s getting away with lying to me. i know the truth and because i know the truth we’re growing apart as best friends. i hate the lies. / every time i’m having a bad day or i’m kind of down my favorite band comes on the radio. i like to think of the coincidence as if someone is watching over me and knows that it will make me feel better. it wouldn’t be so random if they were a popular band but since they are new to the mainstream, i like to think they’re played just for me.
i dated a guy i knew would cheat on me because he was so attractive he made me feel hot just being next to him. when i found out he cheated, i had sex with his best friend to get back at him. his friend was a lot better! / i love being your friend but i’m so glad we went to different schools being with you is so emotionally draining that i want to cry whenever i come home from hanging with you.
we’re getting so good at making excuses for our latest mistakes.
after ordering pizza for only myself, i yell, “pizza’s here!” so the delivery guy doesn’t think i’m eating alone.
i’m glad you’re back in my life. even though you completely crushed me when you left before i still love you and praying you make this time worth all of the pain from before.
i was so nervous on my wedding day i was sweating bullets. not even a valium helped. i didn’t think anything would help until my fiance’s mom took me aside and gave me head. i had a clam smile on the rest of the day.
after a year and a half of hell, you’d think i’d run from him. but in all honesty, more than anything, i’m terrified he’ll abandon me.
you are successfully pushing me away. i love you and would do anything to for you but you just won’t let me. i don’t know what else to do. it hurts me so much to have to walk away.
i can’t wait until summer and my son is home from college so i can watch he and his hot friends play around the pool!
i desperately want to meet new people, however, i don’t put any effort into it.
i’m seeing an old flame but i still feel crippled with commitment because of my ex. i don’t think i’m ready for this.
i wish i could see that little kid again and let his mother know that his smile and “hi” made my day.
i hate that everyone i know compares me to my best friend and how they tell me i should be more like her.
i take my mother’s xanax pills.
my sister and i masturbate together.
i think i found a way to make it all better but i might be afraid to go after it.
she’s right next to me and i’ve never missed her more.
i’m glad you and your boyfriend broke up. it was an unhealthy relationship. hopefully now you can get better and stop cutting.
i have secrets that i try to hide even from myself.
i wish he wanted me the way he wanted her.
you’re a selfish, dumb, inconsiderate brat! there, i said it.
i had sex with the limo driver and his friend before picking up my boyfriend before prom.
i almost gave up on christian guys until i met you. thanks for giving me hope that there are decent guys out there.
my mother’s cackling laugh stirs so much anger in me that i want to hit her. i’m not a violent person.
i have a crush on the boy my best friend is in love with.
so i met this guy and i like him but i have a boyfriend. i feel so damned guilty because of the fact that i was so hurt when he liked someone.
i love my girlfriend but i want this guy to fuck me. problem is that i’m so afraid of the affects of sperm that i can’t do it. it scares me. also, i don’t want to leave her.
i was inspired by a secret so i asked my fiance for a puppy and i haven’t been happier!
i wish i could be that girl in those love songs i hear.
honestly i don’t know why i try. i feel so weak and pathetic. i’ve never had a normal relationship. am i trying enough? is it normal to feel this way?
it’s been over a year since i was in the hospital last time. i still want to kill myself. it never gets better.

textsecret

2009-03-02T08:49:00.000-08:00

here are this week's secrets. as always, thank you all for sharing.

sometimes i wish my boyfriend would dress more like his best friend but a big part of me wants him to never change.
i dress up. not for important meetings or projects, but rather to feel good about myself.
i feel like there is no reason to be here but talking to you gives me a reason to stay. thanks.
i developed my career and finished college at 19. i love what i do and i make good money but i feel stuck. i’m not happy where i am and i’m too settled to do anything drastic. i’m 23 now.
i hate feeling vulnerable.
i don’t feel good enough to be on frank’s site. i’ve never mailed in a secret for fear of rejection and i also felt my boyfriend deserved them more. but i have sent multiple e-mails in hope they would appear under the secrets. if one did that would be a sign to me that he cares and i would have mailed in some secrets. lately i’ve had a feeling of not being good enough and now the thing that has always been there for me is letting me down. i think i just want some proof that he reads them all too.
i really wanna be with you.
i have no respect for my parents but i live at home because i can’t afford to be on my own. i wish every day that i had the money to leave and never come back.
every night i charge my phone hoping that you’ll call. i can’t tell anybody though, i’m too proud to let anyone know of your power over me.
i’m eating more than i have been for months. i feel like i’m overeating. no matter how much i eat i still feel empty. i want my control back.
you hurt me for the last time, i’m through with you. thank god i have friends that love me.
the people i fear the most are dentists because they inflict more emotional and physical pain than anybody else. that’s saying a lot from an abused person.
i know he’s just using me because i know him perfectly. he’s my best friend and i can’t bear to lose him. at least i’m using him too. loneliness is a burden.
i don’t have the heart to tell him.
i pooped my pants in the fourth grade.
lately i’ve been feeling so uncomfortable, lonely, scared, strange and, worst of all, like i’m not supposed to be here. why can’t i ever just feel alive and well?
i’m sorry but you are the one who made a huge mistake, not me!
you’ve got nothing to worry about. the guy i liked for 3 years, the one who liked me back, switched schools today. you, not him, are amazing. i love you!
i’m giving up facebook-stalking my ex-friend. i don’t have the will to tell anyone but i wanted to get it in writing somewhere so i’m obliged to keep my word.
i only listen to ‘escape the fate’ because it reminds me of her. i still remember that amazing night every day.
i want to scream, jump up and down, collapse, and cry. does nobody see the pain i’m going through? all for a man who thinks he loves me. i’m risking it all for him.
i’ve been having sex with my gym teacher in her office during lunch since the new semester started.
we never fought before. i’m doubting everything. i hate it.
today i found out a person i knew hung himself. i didn’t know him that well but i will miss him.
i secretly wish she would turn on you. you don’t deserve anyone to be with you.
everything is my fault, i know, but i won’t admit it. especially to them. they don’t deserve the satisfaction.
i hate coming in second place to video games in my boyfriend’s heart. it hurts a lot.
i’m sitting in class right now thinking of you and wishing that everything would just fall into place like it does in the movies.
i’m terrified of what my future will look like.
i’m almost 15 and i’m considering having sex. i wanted to wait until i was 18 but i feel like i’m ready. i just wish i could figure out what i really want.
i honestly hate my family.
i say that i’m done with him but truthfully i want nothing more than to be with him. he hurt me so many times, i don’t know why i’m dying to be with him.
i let my brother take my virginity last night. it was better than i imagined.
i get so jealous when he talks to other girls, i can’t help but feel alone. it can take me from being in a wonderful mood to wanting to curl up in a ball.
i love it when you hug me. those are the only real hugs i get and you’ve got no idea how much i need you.
i wish i could know if you’re hurting. at least then i wouldn’t regret wasting my time on such a cold-hearted, two-faced bitch as a friend. i deserve an apology from you for fucking me over. i know you won’t ever admit that you’re wrong or sorry. no matter how many people walk away from you, you’ll always play the victim. i feel bad for you.
for the first time in a long time i feel pretty.
my name always has meaning when she says it.
i send texts to my girlfriend while watching hardcore asian porn. if she asks to call I say i’m on the treadmill.
the person whom i’ve known all my life, my best friend, is starting to annoy the hell out of me.
to keep from cutting the last few depressing days i’ve let my puppy bite me as hard as she wants so nobody knows i harmed myself again.
my worst fear is that i won’t make it out of here alive. and that is my greatest wish.
i want him but he wants her.
i love the taste and feel of cum! i want it all over me!
i’m 15 and have recently been drinking heavily and love it because for the first time i feel like i’ve found a place with no worries.
i work at a grocery store in a very wealthy neighborhood. whenever a customer is being really difficult i slip a $1 donation into their order for the charity of the month. they rarely notice and if they do they never have the heart to tell me to void off the charity contribution. i feel like robin hood.
some days i wish i could trade places with another person just to know how they see the world. if they maybe see it better than i do.
i wish someone would ask me to prom in the cute way he’s planning on asking you. too bad you’re going to say no. you don’t know what you’re missing.
why is everyone so interested in her? i don’t get it. everyone tells me she’s not attractive and she has no personality yet every guy seems to flock to her. why?
why can’t i do this?
it’s been four months. i’ve been taking my meds and have pretty much decided against taking my life and i am finally beginning to feel happy again.
she was right. it’s a good thing i fell for him. accepting that and telling him was the best decision i’ve ever made.

2009-02-23T18:44:00.000-08:00

some notes regarding this blog:

for those who don't realize it, the number for textsecret is above on the banner.
if anyone wants to put a banner on their profile message me on myspace and i will send you the code. the link does not work so it will just be a banner.
in order for this community to grow i will rely on those of you who visit to pass the word and encourage others. if each of you can tell ten people about this site, and those ten people tell ten people... well, you know how the rest goes.

here are this week's secrets. as always, thank you all for sharing.

i hate it. i am married to a man i don't love, and wishing i could be with the one that i do.
a few months ago i sent a guy i used to like topless photos of me. now, he is using them to blackmail me into sending him more. i don’t want to do it but i have no way out
you left your old account signed in on myspace. i just spent the last hour reading old messages from your ex. i wish i would’ve gotten to see the side of you that you showed her before she destroyed you. now you’re scared to get close to anyone. i deserve the side of you that she threw away. / i’m going to fail my next anatomy test because i can’t find the motivation to really study. i’ve already accepted the fact that i’m probably going to have to take this class again. i’ve never felt so unintelligent and lost in my academic life. / i don’t understand why so many of our guy friends go crazy over you. i think you’re funny looking. i get a sick satisfaction from hearing about how one of the guys at the party that asked for my number (but didn’t get it) thought that it was gross that he kissed you. you always used to win. now it’s my turn. / i’m so sick of being disappointed by you. i deserve so much better than this. let me go
because i can’t do this anymore. / sometimes you make me want to drive full-speed into a cement wall. you don’t deserve to make me feel that way. fuck you. / instead of cutting myself i bruise myself. no scars but plenty of pain.
today is my first appointment and i know it’s my start to a better future for me and i want to shout it out to the world. / i thought that taking this first step would be good. instead it has made me go back two steps and realize people really need to be quiet. / i’m trying to love myself for who i am but i still feel like a worthless piece of crap.
i just had major surgery. no one knows the real reason why. they all say they are glad i’m ok but in my head i’m saying, “i’m not”.
i just found out your name today. at least now i can stop calling you “taco bell guy”. thank you for noticing me when i feel invisible. i wish i could tell you that every time you compliment me you make my day. i want to tell you that you have the most amazing eyes and i love your philly accent. i want you. not only physically. i want to know all about you. i just wish i wasn’t too shy to tell you all of this.
i have over 200 contacts in my phone and i can’t call one of them my friend.
i read people’s facebook quotes and laugh even though i was never there.
all i want to do is leave but i have nowhere to go.
i love texting because the only way my friends know if something is wrong is if i tell them.
they come to me to talk them out of killing themselves. truthfully, i want to tell them it’s not worth it and that i want to die more than they do but i don’t to save them.
i hate being such a jealous person. i hate every girl that he talks to. i pretend like i’m fine with it so he won’t be mad but really it’s eating me up inside.
i faked an orgasm because after five minutes i was afraid i was taking too long and he would get mad.
even though we’re not friends anymore i just thought you should know that i was right about her. she’s going to dump you for another guy after the banquet. / i have fallen in love with a fictional character. / i keep listening to a song that reminds me of us just so i can keep you with me a little bit longer. / i’ve loved you since the first day we met. you deserve better. you deserve me.
i wish my niece’s mom would let me keep her or that her mom’s new husband would leave them so i could have a solid relationship with them again.
i’m 13 almost 14 and i’ve been addicted to cutting myself since i turned eleven.
my mom is leaving us again. i hate that when the going gets rough the only thing she resolves to do is leaving our family.
i don’t like her. not because she’s a bitch but because she gets to kiss you. i just want to kiss you one more time.
i fake phone calls and dates so my parents won’t think i’m not good enough to get a real date.
it disgusts me when gay people hate themselves for being gay or hate gay people in general. i can’t stand it and would rather them all disappear.
i have some shitty-ass friends but i can never step up to get them fully out of my life.
my life is not perfect, not by a long shot, but it is going exactly the way i want it to. this is good.
you were right, i went out with her for the wrong reasons and now i regret not being with you. every time i look at you i think you are the girl of my dreams.
when i was in fifth grade i read ’50 sexy tricks’ in cosmo. i think about the ‘tricks’ when i’m with you.
i think what a lot of teenagers think is depression is just life. growing up is hard and not every emotion is a mental disease.
damn it! i let i happen again. i fell back in love with that adorable blonde boy from roseburg.
i fell in love (the teenage version) with someone i met on postsecret. he’s ten years older and probably doesn’t feel the same.
today, i officially got over the boy i’ve loved for 2 yeas. what pushed me over the edge was my decision to completely cut ties with him the day after we graduate. i’ve never felt more free in my life.
when i’m on the road i like to look at other people just to see what they look like even though i know it will be awkward if they look back.
he said, ‘i try to convince myself that you don’t mean anything to me but i think about you every second of every day’. if that is true then why is he still with her?
hi think i could really love him. i hope he gives me a chance.
i’m tired of being second best to my best friend.
i am lost in life. i have no idea who i am.
i still have a silent hatred of my boyfriend’s ex. she hated me first!
i’m not the person everyone thinks i am but i do love you with my whole heart and soul. please love me.
i’m a lesbian but i love men in suits.
i think my girlfriend is just using me.
i can’t keep talking to you on the phone or i might fall in love with you.
tomorrow i turn 18. i wonder if i’m ready to grow up.
the taste of beer makes me gag and i think that’s the reason i haven’t gone out drinking in over a month. i’m a popular college student at a party school.
numbing myself is the only thing that works anymore.
i’m falling in love with you.
my breath still catches in my chest every time i see you.
my boyfriend dumped me saturday but changed his mind and now i wish we were broken up. i’m just staying with him to see what he’s like in bed. / every time i have sex it feels like abuse. i feel like it’s the only thing i’m good at or for.
i am in serious danger of falling for my roommate’s boyfriend.
i’ve become more promiscuous in the last year and i’m hating myself.
as karma would have it, a girl that doesn’t believe in bi-sexuality is sexually interested in her best friend.
i would gladly relive any of the days we spent together over and over again.

textsecret

2009-02-16T01:02:00.000-08:00

sometimes i feel as if i don't have a purpose here. if i just disappeared one day, no one would miss me.
i’m still in love with my high school sweetheart. he will never know it even though i still see him every day and call him regularly
i only have sex with him because i feel guilty for not loving him.
drugs have been more fulfilling in my life than anything else.
i’m so afraid that i don’t know what to do. my whole life depends on the outcome of these next several months and i just know i’m going to fuck them up.
she said he would look good with that tattoo on his neck. she doesn’t know its meaning. she doesn’t know he’s mine. and she damn sure doesn’t know i will beat [end of text]
it’s gotten to the point where i can’t even look at myself in the mirror without being disgusted.
i overdosed and was in a coma for three days. i pretend i’m all better now but i wish i hadn’t been found when i was or that i would have succeeded.
i’m a lot more jealous than i let on most days. i also hate your boyfriend more then i tend to tell you.
i don’t want to be the girl who feeds his ego. i want to be the girl who stirs his soul.
i wish for once i wasn’t the best friend who you could always rely on, always trust, but never think about. i hate how i’m cute only when they’re wasted.
i was unfaithful last weekend for the first time in my life. i don’t feel guilty and i wonder what that makes me.
i kinda want to tell her i slept with her boyfriend because he ignores me now.
i love my friends and i hope someday they can forgive me.
while i’m addicted to both, i’m far more addicted to him than i am to oxycontin. my life would be better if i quit both but i don’t think i can handle losing him and i don’t know if i can quit oxy while i’m still around him.
when we played the heart game at school today he gave me his paper heart. he could’ve given it to his crush or the girl he’s fucking. instead he gave it to his best friend. i couldn’t have been happier.
i know i will never fully get over it. i’m afraid it will ruin other relationships.
when i tell someone that my life sucks and they tell me it’s better than the alternative i want to prove them wrong.
i feel like all i’ll ever be good for is sex. i don’t deserve to be loved.
my work here is done and i’m erasing my existence.
whenever I eat food in the car i think of how humiliating it would be to be found in a wreck with cheddar bacon fries all of my face.
i’m afraid this relationship is nothing but college freshman love and it will end sooner than expected.
i love my girlfriend so much. i think i would start cutting again if she ever left me but i keep fucking up. i’m surprised she hasn’t left yet.
one year ago today i had the worst day of my life and six months ago i had the best day. too bad both of those have turned out badly and the people involved want nothing more to do with me and i have no one left.
there is a lady sitting across from me on the bus and she hasn’t stopped smiling. i’m jealous.
my fiancee died two years ago. i moved 2000 miles away. no one here knows. a woman i’m interested in wants to get drinks tonight. this sucks.
i hope you’re not jealous. after all, i want to make out with you just as much. you are so gorgeous how could anyone not want to?
i’m so insecure i make germophobes feel better about themselves.
for the first time in more than three years i didn’t wear makeup today and i felt beautiful. i finally have godly beauty and not worldly.
i’m afraid i can only be happy when i use people for their bodies.
i keep telling my friend that i’m going to be fine but quite honestly i don’t think i will be. i’m pretty sure i’m going to die.
i want to walk away from it all. just take my kids and live in a mountain cabin and live off of the land. i hate where i am in my life. if it weren’t for my kids i know i’d be dead.
sometimes i just sit and wonder why any of us are here. we certainly aren’t getting anything done. maybe we’re just waiting to die. then i remember her and i know.
i sometimes wish i was allergic to bees so i would have a good reason to be afraid of them.
yeah, he was going to visit me at college but you finally caught on. i thought he loved me more. i was wrong.
i cheated on my husband with his best friend. she’s beautiful!
i had sex with men three times my age for money to be able to buy a textbook. now i have the ability to disassociate my mind from my body and i’ve developed a second person of me named michelle.
i cling to being not ok because happiness scares the daylights out of me.
i think i’m in love with the boy i’m dating who is eleven years younger than me and i keep hoping a condom will break so i can get pregnant and can keep him.
i think it’s funny when you talk about something that you think you know all about and i prove you wrong.
i may have finally met a nice guy and i’m scared shitless.
i feel like the man of my dreams doesn’t exist, yet i know i’m only seventeen.
i look up at the night sky wondering if the person i’m supposed to be with is looking up as well thinking the exact same thing.
just please, leave my whole heart.
he wonders what he did wrong for me to want to not date him. the truth is, he’s the only guy i wanted to fuck and i don’t want to loose my virginity as a teenager.
people always tell me how beautiful i am and that i should be a model. so why do i feel fat when i’m 6’ tall and 155 pounds and definitely not fat? i hate it.
i lost my best friend to weekend parties.
i would give anything to look like my best friend.
i sent you the anonymous rose. i hope you liked it.
i wished i was pregnant just so he would stay in my life when i really need him. just so i won’t be so alone through all of this. so i’d have a reason to live.
he’s happy. i’m not. he’s got everything going for him. i have no one. he used to want me. he used to care. not anymore. i’m nothing but his past. i’m nothing to him.
you want me to sing my songs to you and i want to but i fear the only reason you like the stupid cute things i do for you is because you love the idea of me.
i had no hope until i found love. it’s the most amazing feeling in the world.
thank you for making me the luckiest girl ever.
i told my mom that pack of cigarettes belonged to a friend and i was just holding them for her so she could quit. i lied. they’re mine.
i just wrote you a letter listing all of the reasons i don’t want to be with you anymore after four years. happy valentine’s day.
i haven’t pooped in five weeks.
even though it isn’t a sexual thing at all, it feels so good to have my physical therapist’s hands on my back that i want to cry.

2009-02-09T17:12:00.000-08:00

i recieved this message from 'i would call...' in response to my comments on the postsecret blog. below is my reply. if i get anymore messages i will continue to post them here.

[ i would call... ] listen. i cant be arsed arguing with you becuase you obviously think your right no matter what.

i do want to know this. why do you feel the need to do exactly what frank is doing? except via texts, which is just rubbish by the way. why get people to text you rather than let them send their messages to frank? and dont say its becuase you offer advice to the people who text you, because your not qualified and you've no right to think you can give people advice on their personal life. further more, dont say "im 38, i know some stuff blah blah blah" because age is only a measurment of time, not of wisdom. and its been made clear to me that you, despite being 38, are not responsible let alone wise. and yes, i would say you are a bit pathetic, because you feel the need to recieve secrets from little girls and boys who's families dont love them enough or who have no friends who feel the need to vent via strangers. im not saying thats a bad thing, when your lonely your lonely. but your 38. you not got a family of your own?

teenagers giving out their personal phone numbers to strangers online is really really stupid and dangerous.
you should know that.

all ill say is this, frank is doing a good job. if i were you id let him get on with it.

and one last thing, ive had dozens of emails agreeing with what ive said. theres also been a few comments on the blog agreeing with me.

who's agreeing with you?

and here is my response...

i feel the need because the need is there. people were looking for a way to tell their secrets anonymously. frank is the one who proposed the idea in the first place. perhaps texts provide easier or quicker access for people. maybe sending in postcards wasn't enough. frank only posts 20/week. that's maybe 10% of what he actually gets? why are you so upset about it? if it isn't hurting you why get all up in arms about it.

i offer no advice and never made the suggestion that i do. i don't trade secrets either. out of the last 300 or so texts i have gotten, i have responded to one of them. i've also never suggested that i am qualified to do anything for anyone. this is virtually a one-way service. people text a secret to me, i post it. that's it.

how has this been made clear to you? again, i've never suggested any sort of wisdom, based on age or any other reason for that matter. if i had any sort of wisdom at all then i would be able to pull my own life out of the rut that it's in but here i sit none the better. i don't understand how any of this makes me irresponsible or unwise though. maybe you could enlighten me?

i suppose i am a bit pathetic. but then, of course, i didn't need you to point that out to me. i used to think the secrets i got were all from girls in their teens but i was wrong. the people that send me texts are wide ranging in age, gender, and backgrounds. i've gotten texts from all fifty states, most canadian provinces, and from several countries outside of north america. i don't know where the people are from who leave messages in my 'truth box' but i would presume it would only increase the diversity.

i'm not a teenager and i don't encourage anyone to give their number out. i've accepted whatever 'danger' you think is lurking out there for myself. really though, most of the people who post their numbers give out more information on their profiles then you would ever get from a phone number.

frank IS doing a good job. i never disputed that nor have i ever suggest he wasn't. also, i'd never get in the way of him doing what he does. i doubt that i am any sort of threat to his 'work'.

finally, i'm not trying to win a popularity contest with you. you made a comment on the blog and i responded. you said it was pathetic and i took offense to that. people are lonely in the world yet you seem to have no compassion for them. so go on with your wealth of friends and family and people you can share all of your deepest secrets with.
but why not leave the rest of us alone to be pathetic without your public scorn and disdain?

textsecret

2009-02-09T00:14:00.000-08:00

a brief exchange on postsecret's myspace blog:

[ i would call... ] "hey. ive been looking at post secret for years. but this whole thing of giving your phone number out to strangers is not only a bit weird, but also really pathetic. a secret, for me anyway, isnt currency, its not something that can be traded or even owned. giving your phone number out on a public domain is dangerous, but thats a choice. the thing that bothers me the most is that "secrets" have now lost all their value. the best thing about a real secret is being able to get close enough to another human being to be able to trust them with it. and having that kind of trust in another is something that should be treasured. on the other hand, sending your secrets to frank is a diffferent story because its annonymous. and its probably quite theraputic to send them to somewhere like post secret. as you can see im obviously not great at getting my point across but ill close with this. instead of giving out your phone number to strangers, why not find one person, give them your phone number, build something great, get to know them and trust them, then share not only your secrets. but your lives. my best friend is sitting next to me, and he's the only one who knows every secret of mines. i wouldnt have it any other way. peace love unity."

[ s is for sachi ] "thank. you. i completely agree."

[ jesslyfish ] "finally someone has some sense and realizes how dumb it is to post your number on the internet. i also agree that only frank should be the keeper of the secrets."

[ me ] "pathetic? really? ok, lonely maybe, but i would hesitate at pathetic. of course i am biased because i am one of the pathetic people posting my number.

just how is it dangerous? i have yet to understand that one.

i'd say there is no "best thing" about 99% of secrets held by people. secrets tend to be dark and dirty things that people are ashamed of. that's why they are secrets. secrets eat away at people and wreak havoc on personal lives. i would like to think that encouraging folks to rid themselves of their secrets, in any way, would be a good thing.

not everyone can find a person in real life trust worthy enough to share a secret with. sharing with a complete stranger, like frank, can be quite cathartic. i am a complete stranger to everyone that texts me a secret.
doesn't that make what i do similar to what frank does? the service provided is nearly identical isn't it?

i have trust issues as it is so i am rather disinclined to try to get to know anyone, or try to make any new friends, so the possibilities of me having someone to share my darkest secrets with are few. why not toss them into the wind and text them to a complete stranger? sometimes it helps knowing one other person in the world knows what you are carrying around, even if that person is a complete stranger like frank, or myself."

[ i would call... ] "right. i understand everything you've wrote here. and your entitled to your opinion. but further down the page you have written "new secrets updated every monday".
when you post them, does that not mean it no longer is a secret?

anyway.. thats not my point. my point is, how many secrets do you have that you can update them every monday? i donno. im not starting an argument on this blog.

good luck with what ever you do.
x "

[ me ] "thank you for validating that i am, in fact, entitled to my opinion. at least my opinion is not judgmental. i don’t think that you understand any of what i’ve written (nor do i suspect you will understand any of what i write now) because i think that if you truly did understand that you wouldn’t think it was stupid or pathetic. you might find it annoying that people continue to post their numbers, not even commenting on the blog (i always comment on the blog itself) but that is different from what you said.

do you think that all of the postcards on postsecret are from frank? how could he have so many secrets and so many postcards that he can update it every week with 20 new images? obviously, i post the secrets that are sent to me from random strangers who get my number here. the secrets are then posted anonymously; just like postsecret. there are some differences between my site and frank’s, most notably, for obvious reasons, i have no postcards to go along with the secrets that are posted.

since i started doing this, i've gotten well over 1000 secrets sent to me via text. some phone numbers have generated several secrets but the vast majority of the secrets posted are from unique and individual numbers.

just because secrets are posted does not mean they are no longer secrets. i don’t know the person who sent the secret and they don’t know me. they still hold the secret hidden, except for me and any random strangers who might happen to read my blog, but it might not weigh as much now that it has briefly seen the smallest sliver of light. secrets can be heavy burdens to bear alone and sometimes the only person to be trusted with a secret is a stranger.

that is why everyone loves and appreciates what frank does. frank has opened his mailbox so that people around the world can unburden themselves of their secrets without the fear of being found out. maybe if a person can unload a secret to a random stranger and see that secret posted on a blog online, then that person can work up the courage to share that secret with someone closer to them and slowly work up the strength to be rid of the secret completely.

can you see how that might be a good thing? can you see how that might not be pathetic? …or stupid? …or even dangerous?

i googled my phone number. nothing came up. at least nothing that i haven’t made public already. i’m sure if you wanted to spend some money you could find out more but i’m not concerned about it. if i was, i probably wouldn’t post my number to begin with."

***

as always, thank you for sharing. here are this week's secrets:

my world crumbles a little bit when he doesn't show me he loves me. i know this makes me insecure but because of my past i need to know that i am beautiful, loved, and worth while. i wish i could find the strength to know that i am worth it regardless of everyone else.
you will always be my george. i miss you.
i had only felt beautiful when i was anorexic and constantly losing weight. after two years with you i’ve gained it all back plus some but you make me feel beautiful anyway.
i really like one of my best guy friends but he told me he is gay. i don’t know if i can get over him. i don’t think i want to.
i still don’t believe you when you say you didn’t cheat. Now you’re going to visit her at her college but you asked my permission? what did you think i would say?
when people compliment my phone my self-esteem goes way up.
my best friend faked his death to walk away from everything and start over. i went along with it to prove i loved him then he walked away from me too.
i wish mike knew i never said those things in the context he heard them. i miss my friend.
there was a secret with julia in it. i’d give it all up too if i knew it was from him.
i wish more than anything that my best friend had my boyfriend and i had hers.
there is a man i would leave my fiance for if he ever gave me the opportunity.
the only feeling i miss more than you is the blade pushing down on my wrist.
my best friend and i are perfect for each other but i dated his best friend instead so, according to him, we can never date because of that and it kills me.
i finally lost my virginity to the best boyfriend ever. all he wants in return is for me to feed him, rub his belly, and take him on walks.
i told her today i haven’t gotten over her even a little bit. it’s been five months and i am still in love with her. i wish she would realize i love her more than life itself. every time she’s sad i cry on the inside and want to die. i feel like it’s completely my fault. i feel so alone not being around her or with her. i would kill myself right now if it wouldn’t hurt her so much. she’s still my best friend, my everything, but i feel i’ve already lost her.
i’m a hypocrite. i say i hate liars but i lie every single day and no one has ever noticed.
i want to die.
i am not going to say i’m sorry, regardless of what happens tomorrow. you are not a friend of mine so stop pretending to be.
i was the one who ended it. our divorce was final a year ago. i know we weren’t good together but sometimes i still miss him so much.
i can’t help but smile whenever i get a text from her.
i am truly and deeply in love with my ex. i don’t think he understands how much i want to be with him. i am so miserable without him and everyday i think about committing suicide because i can’t be with him.
i thought he was telling the truth this time and got my hopes up.
i wish my cousin had never moved here. he’s pathetic and needs his own friends.
i was fine being single for the rest of my life until i met her. now she has an illness that can kill her at any minute. i think it is god’s way of punishing me for doubting. i love her and can’t live through losing her.
i need to find someone i can give my all for, someone who will let me love them with every bone in my body. i wish i could find him.
my best friend and i plan to move in together in a couple of years. two things have me worried: bringing home our girlfriends and boyfriends and 2012.
i sometimes consider suicide for the sole purpose of making people feel guilty for how they treated me.
i haven’t eaten today and i feel so pretty.
how am i supposed to live when the one i’ve been living for is gone?
i tell people my first year of high school is amazing but i hate it. i’m sick of spending lunch in the bathroom. i wish i could go back to private school.
i play powerball hoping that if i win and give all of the money to my husband i won’t feel so bad for leaving him. he loves me too much.
i want to get caught with everything. all the lies and stealing. i want help. I need help. i just can’t ask for it. i’m an addict and i’m so good no one even knows.
i’m tired of being so good all of the time.
last year i was in the most amazing relationship of my life but i was sick and i hit her so she left me. now she’s engaged and i spend everyday wishing she would let me try again. i will always love her more than anyone.
whenever i walk around with my hands in my pocket i’m playing air-guitar.
i hate to get upset because all you do is get angry when i do, but when you tell me how fucked up my family is it just makes me want to spend more time with them to prove you wrong. but you aren’t. they are assholes.
i work as a barista and i don’t always wash my hands after using the bathroom.
i would trade all of your love for money because that’s what i need now.
i knew it didn’t matter to you when i told you. how is what happened to her worse than what happened to me?
before I met him, I wished someone would care. remind me to be careful what i wish for.
secretly, in the back of my mind, i want you to follow me wherever i go because i want you with me every day, every night, and every morning.
i cut again. you’ll never know. it’s liberating.
you think you’re helping but really i cut because of you. you’re way of helping makes things worse.
i’m finally happy with who i’m becoming,
he doesn’t really say ‘i love you’ anymore but he sings me songs that relate to me and him and i always wish he secretly means something by it.
at this very moment while i am texting you i am on the phone with the boy i am in love with. i hope to tell him someday.
i’m disgusted with myself for letting my ex back and breaking up with my boyfriend just to have my ex do the same thing to me again.
i’m in love with my ex. i know there’s no one out there that can make me as happy as he can. all i want is for him to feel the same way and give me another chance. too bad he has too much pride and cares more about what his family and friends think. he is such a fucking jerk.
i’m sick of this place and the people here. it’s all too predictable.
i want to tell you about textsecret so you can try to figure out which secrets are mine.
i’m afraid to go to the doctor because i’m afraid he’s going to tell me i’m dying.
my mother terrorizes me. i’m afraid i’ll end up like her.
i’m still in love with my high school sweetheart but he will never know it even though i still see him every day and call him regularly.
i only have sex with him because i feel guilty for not loving him.
i would give anything to be happy again. if i can’t be with her then i don’t want to be alive.
sometimes i feel as if i don't have a purpose here. if i just disappeared one day, no one would miss me.
she is living the life i always wanted.
for the record, i am in love with you, i just won’t admit it.
i left a two year relationship to be with him but i’m so scared he will leave me if i admit how suicidal i am that i’m thinking of getting back with my ex even though he is abusive just because i know he will be there when i want to die.
i’m seriously considering trying acid for the first time next weekend.
you don’t miss me. you say you do, but you don’t. its ok, i wouldn’t miss me either. you should forget me now while it would still be easy.
sometimes i think that love is just a lie that people go on about and say they feel it just to cover up that they’re not feeling anything at all and that life sucks.
i am so terrified of planes that i am considering killing myself if i can’t get out of going on my next vacation.
i didn’t talk to him all weekend but i thought about him the whole time.
i can almost get through a whole day without thinking of him. everyday is a battle with my inner demons on whether to let go or hold on.
i want to plead with my friend to not leave me alone to deal with my problems, it will kill me, but i know he won’t listen.
even though its over i still dream about being with you. / i wonder where we’d be if we’d had sex that night. / i’m still not over you. / i look like i have it all together but really inside i’m falling apart.
all the pain, confusion, jealousy, and heartbreak was worth what our friendship has become. / i can feel myself turning into a mean person and i hate it. / i just realized that i pretty much hate myself. everything from the scars to the beaver teeth, fat body, personality, and just everything else. / last year, when nearly all of my friends forgot about my birthday it killed me inside. i’m always lying when i tell people i want them to forget about my birthday. / i freak out everything i say to people. i pinch myself or squeeze my hands really tight when ever i think i’ve said something wrong. i hate talking. / i’m so excited because i plan to throw up all my food from now on. / i can feel myself getting worse everyday. i don’t care about anything. i should just do away with myself but i want to get better. / i’m happy but i have a lot of suicidal thoughts. / i can’t cry. i get a few tears out, then it stops. i kind of miss it. / i’m never going to get over my addiction to cutting. i feel like such a failure. / i don’t care if he loves another girl, i’m still going to try to win him over. i still have some hope. the hardest part of this will be not telling my friends. / it’s amazing how fast the butterflies came back whenever he mentions romantic lyrics, says he loves me, or just says something sweet. / he knows me better than i thought.

textsecret

2009-02-02T00:24:00.000-08:00

i was drunk-dialed from georgia (912 area code) this past friday. i really didn’t appreciate it. i don’t like it when people i know drunk-dial me so i most definitely don’t like it when a stranger does it. what’s odd (beside the fact that i answered a call from an unfamiliar number from at all) is that the person hung up when i answered and when i returned the call (because i like being hung-up on even less than being drunk-dialed) he denied calling me, then had a queen tell me off for returning the call. now, i realize i put my number out there for everyone to know, so to a certain extent i should’ve expected some jackass to drunk-dial me and should be thankful it’s only been once and hasn’t happened until now, but it doesn’t seem that far-fetched to me to think there has always been a bit of an unspoken/unwritten understanding that my number is for texts only and for secrets specifically. i mention this because i am hoping that my drunk-dialer from georgia is reading this and feels a bit of shame and stupidity for what he did. an apology would be appreciated but is hardly expected. making a phone call is an action that requires thought and a spot of concentration, you can’t just accidentally drunk-dial someone. so, the person (in georgia) consciously decided to drunk-dial me, decided to hang up on me when i answered, then chose to lie about calling me when i called back, and allowed a queen to tell me off when i tried to find out why i was called in the first place. when you look at it, there were several opportunities for this person to come clean and apologize on the spot but it didn’t happen which is why i don’t suspect it will happen now. i have the number saved in my phone now. it’s labeled, “jackass”. i considered publishing the number in this rant but thought better of it. if it happens again, i may reconsider….

i don’t participate in s4s. that’s why i don’t include the abbreviations (nr, pr, s4s) when post my number, because i don’t want to mislead anyone. i post some of my secrets here. i also have a personal blog that reveals most of what i hate about myself. so, most of my secrets aren’t really secrets as they are published, for all the world to see, in one place or another. it used to help to see my secrets online knowing that anyone could read them. it doesn’t really anymore. i have so many, and they never go away from me. the only difference is now anyone else can know about them too. i’ve included a new secret of my own this week (i promise it isn’t the last one). i used to every week but i haven’t in a while. so, if you put s4s at the end of your text, that is why i didn’t respond.

here are this week’s secrets. as always, thank you all for sharing.

i’m 31 and im terrified i'll be stuck married forever to the one i’m not in love with. the last 5 yrs have been miserable but the 7 before that were bliss. he still has my heart.
i watch “clean house” to feel better about not keeping my home as clean and organized as it should be.
after the way he reacted today i don’t care if i’m strong enough to tell him again. he’s my best friend and i would die without him beside me.
we always go to my aunt’s for dinner on sundays. i used to hate it but now she’s giving me blowjobs while everyone else is having dessert and this week i think she’s going to let me fuck her.
when i can’t sleep my mind wanders and i can’t help but think about those other girl’s hands all over him. even though i’m his he’s not truly mine.
my boyfriend pretends to hate his ex but i know he still likes her but it still makes me happy to hear him say it.
i’m afraid to trust my boyfriend not to leave me. i’m scared to fall in love.
i’m finally working on becoming the person i’ve always wanted to be.
i’m flying 90 down 16 to get back to the arms i need.
i wish I could tell my best friend that her diseases are all in her head.
my twin sister doesn’t want to have sex until she is married so i’ve been fucking her boyfriend so he won’t break up with her.
my sister just broke up with her boyfriend, and i know i should feel sad for her, but i can’t help but be happy he’s finally single.
the other night my little brother came home from his first date with blue balls. i felt so bad because he was in so much pain so i gave him a blowjob. that’s what big sisters are for!
i love somebody much older than me and very far away.
i wish he was falling for me the way that i am falling for him. why does he only think about sex when i talk to him?
quit telling me things because you know i want to hear them. i’m not that weak.
it kills me when he says he doesn’t care anymore or that he just doesn’t know.
i’m sleeping with my hall-mate’s boyfriend.
i hate my best friend. sometimes she makes my skin crawl and my blood boil but she is the only one who can stand to be around me.
i’m so bitter and angry at life. at least i think i am. it could be me instead and that makes me angrier not knowing what i’m angry and bitter about.
i lied. hunger doesn’t hurt and, it’s embarrassing but, i actually feel sexy when i’m hungry.
sometimes i wish i would get pregnant so that someone in this world would love me.
i let my brother jack me off and i do it to him. we’re not gay. it just feels better when someone else does it.
i have never felt so beautiful as when he holds my face in his hands and gently kisses my forehead. i just wish he would admit he is mine.
while in bed with my arms around my boyfriend i was wondering where my ex is stationed. i don’t want him, i was just wondering.
i don’t care about family, friends, school…. all i give a shit about now is myself. for once i’m letting my pain be the most important to me.
i’m not afraid that i won’t find love but that when i do it won’t be enough to save me from myself.
i don’t know if i really love him.
i only want someone to dance with me in the rain.
i had to have a d-and-c this week because my baby never developed a heart beat. i’m morally opposed to abortion and that’s what i feel like i did.
i am leaving him because he makes me hate myself.
i am jealous of other’s secrets.
i married my love right out of high school and we’ve been married for 7 months. he’s in the army and i’m at university and my parents don’t know.
i couldn’t stop crying today because i thought about you again and realized just how much i miss and need you.
why can’t he see that i love him? he raped me but i love him anyway. i slit my wrists every night thinking about him. why do i love the guy that raped me?
i’m embarrassed to have company at my house because then they will see what a pig i am.
i’m in love with my best friend but don’t know if i should tell him because he already has a girlfriend and i don’t know how he would react.
i’m going to stop eating tomorrow because it will be so much easier than losing the weight i need to lose being healthy about it.
whenever i hear jack johnson i think of my best friend and how unlikely it is that he loves me the way i love him. it is always better when we’re together.
my mom is the one who will make me push down on that blade.
i love my best friend but she’s always having some problem or major drama in her life and it’s always more important than mine. i just feel she doesn’t care about mine.
my close friend disgusts me.
a month ago i thought you were saving me. you really just burned me like the rest. i’m afraid my secret is that i’ll always be the fool.
sometimes i wish some horrible tragedy would happen around me so i could die saving someone’s life and be remembered as a hero.
i wonder if i really am happy or if i am just telling myself that.
every time i give my boyfriend a blowjob i puke some. tonight i puked a lot. it makes me feel like a failure knowing i can’t even do that right.
why do you do this to me every year? i thought i knew you. i thought you grew up. i guess you’re just a two-faced liar like everyone else says.
i wouldn’t mind falling in love with him.
i’m adopted and grew up in a “white” household. when i’m with other asians in public, i feel like i’m being seen as a foreigner and i hate that but at the same time like i’m abandoning my heritage.
i told my fiance that i want a dog for protection but really i just want it for special me time.
i’m hanging out with my ex and his new girlfriend. this is the worst i’ve felt in a while. all i want to do is go home.
cutting validates me. it tells me i exist when no one else does.
i’m in my 30’s and have been married since i was a teenager. i’m not in love anymore and don’t want to fall in love again. i still love him, that’s why i stay.
i have a new found hatred for indians, seeing how my uncle was murdered by one.
i think he wanted me back just to be with someone. i think i will cheat on him to see if i really love him or if i am in it for the same thing.
i thought i liked you but all it was waswj [sic]
i’ve been flirting with my math teacher all year. he doesn’t mark me down for being tardy or if i turn in my homework late and he always lets me retake quizzes and tests so i can get better scores. now i want to take it to the next level but i’m scared he will laugh at me.
my friend is in a magnet program and it pisses me off because she thinks she is so much smarter than me just because i’m not at that program.
i believe i’m actually starting to make the right choices. i’m really starting to be happy with life.
last night i cut myself. i wish there was something stopping me from doing it again.
i’m trying so very hard to be happy but it’s hard to be happy when you’re alone and it’s hard not to be alone when nobody wants to be with you.
i don’t know what it is about him but i can see myself with him as soon as he dumps her. i wish we didn’t have to hide.
my best friend lied to me about going to see her sick grandma so she could hang out with the boy we both have a crush on. what a cunt!
my best friend is the only person who seems to get me but she replaced me with her boyfriend and i’ve never felt so alone.
i told someone that i know and talk to everyday my secret. she had the same one.
fear of being alone is the biggest secret i’ve got. i hate you. i just want someone to snuggle with when my friends are with their boys.
i just found out that my ex-boyfriend broke up with his girlfriend. now i feel like we have a chance again but i fear i have too much false hope.
after three years of not cutting i have relapsed tonight because the boy i’m in love with finally moved on.
it still shocks me how he can bring back all of the old feelings. I’m not sure like it.
everyone says I’m pretty, so why don’t I have a boyfriend?
my best friend doesn’t know how much i hate the person she’s become because i still have feelings for her and can’t bear to actually tell her.
i know i’d take her back even though she cheated on me.
i bought myself a birthday card since no one remembered my birthday in december.
i don’t feel anything for you anymore. i would break up with you but i’m too used to you. plus, are relationship status is on facebook.
there is nothing i can do, but if i could, i would do anything for you.
every thing is just enough to get me by right now.
no matter where i go or who i’m with i’d give it all up for julia.
i seem to have a knack for stealing girls from other girls that i hook up with. it sucks because i always end up hurting someone.
i always miss you most on superbowl sundays. that’ll never change regardless of how happy i am.
i was hoping that my birthday present from my best friend would be him admitting that he feels the same way for me as i do for him. it wasn’t.
i hate how my mom tells everyone all these lies about how i’m the perfect daughter yet in private all she does is criticize me and kill my self-esteem.
i can not lie to him for the life of me. he always knows when i am and most of the time i don’t want to lie to him.
i’m so sick of how you do things and discover things that i showed you or did first. you’re not unique for doing it, you’re just a poseur.
spencer, when you kissed me on the cheek friday i really liked it more than i should have. it was super cute.
all i ever think about is you.
sometimes i can’t help but wonder if my no alcohol stance is ruining all of the fun i could be having in college.
i’m going to marry him. call me crazy but he’s everything i’ve dreamed of. i don’t know what i’d do if i didn’t have him by my side every night.
there really was nothing quite as ridiculous as the two of us and the best thing about it was how doomed we were.
this anatomy test is a quarter of my grade but i just can’t get myself to start studying for it.
yesterday he told me he doesn’t want to be in a relationship but he still wants to be with me. he doesn’t realize how those words are killing me on the inside. today he says he’s changed his mind and he’s in love with me more than ever. it’s hard to believe but i guess i have to take his word for it.
i should leave you. i deserve better. i just don’t want to have to go through the process of getting comfortable with someone else.
i want to brag about the fact that i am a size seven (i used to be a size 18) but i’m worried my two best friends (still big) will resent me and talk about me behind my back.
i want to quit doing oxy really bad but i’m afraid i’ll gain back the twenty pounds i’ve lost while smoking it.
i'm so lost and scared right now. all of my best friends are turning on me because i smoke cigarettes sometimes. i smoke because i have too much stress from my mom. i'm not addicted, but it feels great to have to sit down because my head is spinning, instead of thinking about the things my mom says to me. i need to get out of here. i've not nothing holding me down now, because all i had before were my friends, and they don't even know how bad this is hurting me. my next step is the kids help phone. last night my one good friend i have left witnessed what my mom does to me, and she said i wasn't normal. i'm also scared that what i'm put through isn't as bad as what other people have to go through, so i'm just being a loser. i'm sorry. i really just had to get this out.
i read the “missed connections“ ads in my local paper and on craigslist hoping there will be a missed connection about me. there never is.
after looking at all of your photos, your myspace, reading your blogs, and looking at your other website, textsecret - i think i have the beginnings of a crush on you.

textsecret

2009-02-01T23:55:00.000-08:00

i was drunk-dialed from georgia (912 area code) this past friday. i really didn’t appreciate it. i don’t like it when people i know drunk-dial me so i most definitely don’t like it when a stranger does it. what’s odd (beside the fact that i answered a call from an unfamiliar number from at all) is that the person hung up when i answered and when i returned the call (because i like being hung-up on even less than being drunk-dialed) he denied calling me, then had a queen tell me off for returning the call. now, i realize i put my number out there for everyone to know, so to a certain extent i should’ve expected some jackass to drunk-dial me and should be thankful it’s only been once and hasn’t happened until now, but it doesn’t seem that far-fetched to me to think there has always been a bit of an unspoken/unwritten understanding that my number is for texts only and for secrets specifically. i mention this because i am hoping that my drunk-dialer from georgia is reading this and feels a bit of shame and stupidity for what he did. an apology would be appreciated but is hardly expected. making a phone call is an action that requires thought and a spot of concentration, you can’t just accidentally drunk-dial someone. so, the person, in georgia, consciously decided to drunk-dial me, decided to hang up on me when i answered, then chose to lie about calling me when i called back, and allowed a queen to tell me off when i tried to find out why i was called in the first place. when you look at it, there were several opportunities for this person to come clean and apologize on the spot but it didn’t happen which is why i don’t suspect it will happen now. i have the number saved in my phone now. it’s labeled, “jackass”. i considered publishing the number in this rant but thought better of it. if it happens again, i may reconsider….

i don’t participate in s4s. that’s why i don’t include the abbreviations (nr, pr, s4s) when i post my number, because i don’t want to mislead anyone. i post some of my secrets here and i also have a personal blog that reveals most of what i hate about myself. so, most of my secrets aren’t really secrets as they are published, for all the world to see, in one place or another. it used to help to see my secrets online knowing that anyone could read them. it doesn’t really anymore. i have so many, and they never go away from me. the only difference is now anyone else can know about them too. i’ve included a new secret of my own this week. i used to every week but i haven’t in a while. so, if you put s4s at the end of your text, that is why i didn’t respond.

here are this week’s secrets. as always, thank you all for sharing.

i’m 31 and im terrified i'll be stuck married forever to the one i’m not in love with. the last 5 yrs have been miserable but the 7 before that were bliss. he still has my heart.
i watch “clean house” to feel better about not keeping my home as clean and organized as it should be.
after the way he reacted today i don’t care if i’m strong enough to tell him again. he’s my best friend and i would die without him beside me.
we always go to my aunt’s for dinner on sundays. i used to hate it but now she’s giving me blowjobs while everyone else is having dessert and this week i think she’s going to let me fuck her.
when i can’t sleep my mind wanders and i can’t help but think about those other girl’s hands all over him. even though i’m his he’s not truly mine.
my boyfriend pretends to hate his ex but i know he still likes her but it still makes me happy to hear him say it.
i’m afraid to trust my boyfriend not to leave me. i’m scared to fall in love.
i’m finally working on becoming the person i’ve always wanted to be.
i’m flying 90 down 16 to get back to the arms i need.
i wish I could tell my best friend that her diseases are all in her head.
my twin sister doesn’t want to have sex until she is married so i’ve been fucking her boyfriend so he won’t break up with her.
my sister just broke up with her boyfriend, and i know i should feel sad for her, but i can’t help but be happy he’s finally single.
the other night my little brother came home from his first date with blue balls. i felt so bad because he was in so much pain so i gave him a blowjob. that’s what big sisters are for!
i love somebody much older than me and very far away.
i wish he was falling for me the way that i am falling for him. why does he only think about sex when i talk to him?
quit telling me things because you know i want to hear them. i’m not that weak.
it kills me when he says he doesn’t care anymore or that he just doesn’t know.
i’m sleeping with my hall-mate’s boyfriend.
i hate my best friend. sometimes she makes my skin crawl and my blood boil but she is the only one who can stand to be around me.
i’m so bitter and angry at life. at least i think i am. it could be me instead and that makes me angrier not knowing what i’m angry and bitter about.
i lied. hunger doesn’t hurt and, it’s embarrassing but, i actually feel sexy when i’m hungry.
sometimes i wish i would get pregnant so that someone in this world would love me.
i let my brother jack me off and i do it to him. we’re not gay. it just feels better when someone else does it.
i have never felt so beautiful as when he holds my face in his hands and gently kisses my forehead. i just wish he would admit he is mine.
while in bed with my arms around my boyfriend i was wondering where my ex is stationed. i don’t want him, i was just wondering.
i don’t care about family, friends, school…. all i give a shit about now is myself. for once i’m letting my pain be the most important to me.
i’m not afraid that i won’t find love but that when i do it won’t be enough to save me from myself.
i don’t know if i really love him.
i only want someone to dance with me in the rain.
i had to have a d-and-c this week because my baby never developed a heart beat. i’m morally opposed to abortion and that’s what i feel like i did.
i am leaving him because he makes me hate myself.
i am jealous of other’s secrets.
i married my love right out of high school and we’ve been married for 7 months. he’s in the army and i’m at university and my parents don’t know.
i couldn’t stop crying today because i thought about you again and realized just how much i miss and need you.
why can’t he see that i love him? he raped me but i love him anyway. i slit my wrists every night thinking about him. why do i love the guy that raped me?
i’m embarrassed to have company at my house because then they will see what a pig i am.
i’m in love with my best friend but don’t know if i should tell him because he already has a girlfriend and i don’t know how he would react.
i’m going to stop eating tomorrow because it will be so much easier than losing the weight i need to lose being healthy about it.
whenever i hear jack johnson i think of my best friend and how unlikely it is that he loves me the way i love him. it is always better when we’re together.
my mom is the one who will make me push down on that blade.
i love my best friend but she’s always having some problem or major drama in her life and it’s always more important than mine. i just feel she doesn’t care about mine.
my close friend disgusts me.
a month ago i thought you were saving me. you really just burned me like the rest. i’m afraid my secret is that i’ll always be the fool.
sometimes i wish some horrible tragedy would happen around me so i could die saving someone’s life and be remembered as a hero.
i wonder if i really am happy or if i am just telling myself that.
every time i give my boyfriend a blowjob i puke some. tonight i puked a lot. it makes me feel like a failure knowing i can’t even do that right.
why do you do this to me every year? i thought i knew you. i thought you grew up. i guess you’re just a two-faced liar like everyone else says.
i wouldn’t mind falling in love with him.
i’m adopted and grew up in a “white” household. when i’m with other asians in public, i feel like i’m being seen as a foreigner and i hate that but at the same time like i’m abandoning my heritage.
i told my fiance that i want a dog for protection but really i just want it for special me time.
i’m hanging out with my ex and his new girlfriend. this is the worst i’ve felt in a while. all i want to do is go home.
cutting validates me. it tells me i exist when no one else does.
i’m in my 30’s and have been married since i was a teenager. i’m not in love anymore and don’t want to fall in love again. i still love him, that’s why i stay.
i have a new found hatred for indians, seeing how my uncle was murdered by one.
i think he wanted me back just to be with someone. i think i will cheat on him to see if i really love him or if i am in it for the same thing.
i thought i liked you but all it was waswj [sic]
i’ve been flirting with my math teacher all year. he doesn’t mark me down for being tardy or if i turn in my homework late and he always lets me retake quizzes and tests so i can get better scores. now i want to take it to the next level but i’m scared he will laugh at me.
my friend is in a magnet program and it pisses me off because she thinks she is so much smarter than me just because i’m not at that program.
i believe i’m actually starting to make the right choices. i’m really starting to be happy with life.
last night i cut myself. i wish there was something stopping me from doing it again.
i’m trying so very hard to be happy but it’s hard to be happy when you’re alone and it’s hard not to be alone when nobody wants to be with you.
i don’t know what it is about him but i can see myself with him as soon as he dumps her. i wish we didn’t have to hide.
my best friend lied to me about going to see her sick grandma so she could hang out with the boy we both have a crush on. what a cunt!
my best friend is the only person who seems to get me but she replaced me with her boyfriend and i’ve never felt so alone.
i told someone that i know and talk to everyday my secret. she had the same one.
fear of being alone is the biggest secret i’ve got. i hate you. i just want someone to snuggle with when my friends are with their boys.
i just found out that my ex-boyfriend broke up with his girlfriend. now i feel like we have a chance again but i fear i have too much false hope.
after three years of not cutting i have relapsed tonight because the boy i’m in love with finally moved on.
it still shocks me how he can bring back all of the old feelings. i’m not sure i like it.
everyone says i’m pretty, so why don’t i have a boyfriend?
my best friend doesn’t know how much i hate the person she’s become because i still have feelings for her and can’t bear to actually tell her.
i know i’d take her back even though she cheated on me.
i bought myself a birthday card since no one remembered my birthday in december.
i don’t feel anything for you anymore. i would break up with you but i’m too used to you. plus, are relationship status is on facebook.
there is nothing i can do, but if i could, i would do anything for you.
every thing is just enough to get me by right now.
no matter where i go or who i’m with i’d give it all up for julia.
i seem to have a knack for stealing girls from other girls that i hook up with. it sucks because i always end up hurting someone.
i always miss you most on superbowl sundays. that’ll never change regardless of how happy i am.
i was hoping that my birthday present from my best friend would be him admitting that he feels the same way for me as i do for him. it wasn’t.
i hate how my mom tells everyone all these lies about how i’m the perfect daughter behind in private all she does is criticize me and kill my self-esteem.
i can not lie to him for the life of me. he always knows when i am and most of the time i don’t want to lie to him.
i’m so sick of how you do things and discover things that i showed you or did first. you’re not unique for doing it, you’re just a poseur.
spencer, when you kissed me on the cheek friday i really liked it more than i should have. it was super cute.
all i ever think about is you.
sometimes i can’t help but wonder if my no alcohol stance is ruining all of the fun i could be having in college.
i’m going to marry him. call me crazy but he’s everything i’ve dreamed of. i don’t know what i’d do if i didn’t have him by my side every night.
there really was nothing quite as ridiculous as the two of us and the best thing about it was how doomed we were.
this anatomy test is a quarter of my grade but i just can’t get myself to start studying for it.
yesterday he told me he doesn’t want to be in a relationship but he still wants to be with me. he doesn’t realize how those words are killing me on the inside. today he says he’s changed his mind and he’s in love with me more than ever. it’s hard to believe but i guess i have to take his word for it.
i should leave you. i deserve better. i just don’t want to have to go through the process of getting comfortable with someone else.
i want to brag about the fact that i am a size seven (i used to be a size 18) but i’m worried my two best friends (still big) will resent me and talk about me behind my back.
i want to quit doing oxy really bad but i’m afraid i’ll gain back the twenty pounds i’ve lost while smoking it.
i read the “missed connections“ ads in my local paper and on craigslist hoping there will be a missed connection about me. there never is.

textsecret

2009-01-26T08:46:00.000-08:00

thank you all for sharing. here are this week's secrets:

i have the doctors, my family, and friends convinced that i have a terminal illness but i don’t. i take the meds and all.
my live-in boyfriend of three years is not in love with me anymore. i don’t know what it will take to end it with him since i haven’t yet.
no one knows how scared i really am.
i have herpes and just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me. i want to give him herpes so he will think she gave it to him.
my granddad is dying. i have no idea what to do.
the more you tell me to sleep more, eat regularly, study more, the more you push me away. i know what i'm doing. i'm here, aren't i? i know i can do this and the more you tell me to "take care of myself" the more aggravated i get at this place. don't push me away after i've learned to trust you.
my mom died when i was 12. my daddy hasn’t been with anyone else. now i’m 17 and he’s dating and i hate her because i want to be the only woman he wants in his life.
i’m in lust with a 19 year old guy. i’m 31. i wouldn’t want my son dating someone that much older. i feel like such a loser.
i think i was raped by a classmate while in kindergarten and now i’m scared shitless.
i was attracted to him before i knew him. now he’s my best friend and i think i love him. i’m pretty sure he feels the same but what if he doesn’t?
deep down there’s a part of me that wants to be a housewife.
last semester i had a crush on a guy in my class. we became really good friends so i decided to take one of the same classes with him this spring. now we’re in the same room and it’s awkward.
i wish i was 18 so i could get antidepressants without my mom knowing. she is sure i’m not depressed and she doesn’t trust those drugs anyway.
i lie awake every night until 11:11 waiting for another foolish chance to wish for true love.
i wish to fall in love every 11:11
i’m having a affair with a woman my mom’s age and it turns me on so much when she calls me her little boy!
part of me doesn’t want to move in with him because he doesn’t like cats. i love cats.
i’m half black and i feel bad for not really caring about obama becoming president. all of my friends were making a big deal about inauguration day too but i was just happy my school kept cancelling classes.
when i got my new blackberry storm i told everyone i hated it just to sound spoiled.
i’m not as strong as people think.
i have so many secrets i don’t know who i am anymore.
all through this you turned me into we. if i said i couldn’t do something you said we could but now you don’t and i’m all alone and it hurts.
i hit myself. the bruises come from me.
i admit i have a problem invading my boyfriend’s privacy but i can’t stop now that i’ve learned i can’t fully trust him.
i’m really sick of trying to be perfect but i have to keep trying because i’m afraid of disappointing my mom.
i’m so egotistical that i think he’s gay because he rejected me.
i am truly over him but when we are together i can’t help but think how amazing it would be if we dated.
i wish i had a terminal illness so make a wish would grant my wish to meet zach roloff.
you’re my best friend but i’d pick them over you any day. i know that sounds bad but i want friends and i have more when you’re not around.
i hate it when girls decorate their myspace pages with tributes to their boyfriends but really i’m just jealous.
he doesn’t know how afraid i am of losing him. i love him so much.
it was never simple with you, just extravagant. i’m ready for simple.
i tell my dog everything because i know he’s the only one who’ll never judge me.
just when i thought i had it all together my dad died and my mom got laid off. i can’t express how fucked up i think the world is.
i finally realized he will never be the guy i want him to be; i can’t keep wishing he will be one day. it’s over.
i say i love myself but i don’t i just don’t have the will power to have an eating disorder.
i get upset when he talks to other girls.
i leave the door open when i shower so my little brother can look in.
i never realized how stupid and fake she was until she broke my heart.
i told him i was over him because i know that’s what he needed. i’m letting him leave with a clear mind even though it’ll kill me everyday he’s gone.
i married the wrong guy. i’m totally in love with his brother.
i have a huge crush on obama. his ears turn me on.
i anonymously call his favorite radio station and request his favorite songs when i know he’s listening. i miss him so much.
they all told me not to talk to them when i’m unhappy. now they think i’m happy but i still cut. i just don’t tell them because i know they don’t care.
you’re better for me than he is. fuck you for showing me that.
i’m a senior in college and i masturbate more than a 15 year old boy. my boyfriend doesn’t know how much i do it without him.
i’m terrified the girl my boyfriend cheated on me with is having his baby.
i lie a lot and about anything.
i cry during romantic comedies because they show me how much i’m loved.
my younger sister calls me anorexic. at 15 and pregnant, i weighted 165 pounds. 17 months later, i weigh 99 pounds. i’m finally admitting i need help.
i use my cell phone as a vibrator.
i pretend to hate how many different guys my mom brings home but i love listening to her get fucked.
i just came back from a cruise where i fell for a boy in a week out at sea. i have a boyfriend, and now i don't feel anything for him. i'll never see the boy from the ship again.
i want him to leave his wife and come back to me. everything was so good with us and everything is so shit with her. why doesn’t he see that?
i’m over her and now she’s mad at me. i thought this is what you wanted?
i’m afraid no one would believe me if i told them i work out for an hour every night.
i let a mall santa touch me when i sat on his lap. i went back three times.
i saw his girlfriend in the bathroom and i considered telling her everything he wants kept in his past.
i don’t have a crush and i don’t know why but i think there must be something wrong with me.
i’m in love with him and i’d do anything for him but i don’t know how to tell him
i’m terrified that my boyfriend will make our break permanent if i’m too clingy but i love him and i don’t know how long i can hold that back.
i was strong enough to say no when i wanted to give in so badly. i left with a smile instead of a regret.
when you left, it felt like you sliced me open and gutted me, leaving me to be just an empty shell. i’ve never loved someone as much as i love you, and i don’t believe that i ever will. as much as i hate you right now, i know that no woman will ever be able to care about you as much as i do. and when you realize that, i’ll still be here. when i said forever, i meant it. because i literally loved you so much that it hurt. every time i saw you i was so overcome with emotion that i didn’t know what to do or think and it just ended up causing me pain. you still are my whole world. please realize that.
i wish i was stronger, that way i would tell you i have feelings for you again, and not play it off as "my friend hacked my msn".
my biggest fear is that i will be a failure in the eyes of my children.
my big sister practices giving blow jobs on me
i have the biggest crush on this "emo" girl at my school, but i can't talk about it to anyone, because then they would know i am bi and they would all hate me.
my sister caught me taking her panties out of the hamper. i told her i was selling them to a friend but really they were for me to use when i masturbate.
i just want to be loved like that.
i’m angry at the world right now.
i don’t think i can take another day of this. i want to end it all. i already have everything planned, from the note to the tombstone.
i tried to make a move on my gay friend. i hate the way i feel after stupid drunk nights.
i am proud of the fact that i am finally able to unlock most of the special texts he sent to me.
i lied. i didn’t quit. i’m sorry. i tried.
i am going to texas with my boyfriend to meet the rest of his family. i’m nervous and excited at the same time. what if they don’t like me?
i’m bi-sexual and i’m head over heals for a girl. the problem is she is straight. it breaks my heart to know i’ll never be with her.
friday night i came the closest i’ve ever come to killing myself. i called the suicide hotline and it saved me.
please just catch me if i fall and don’t let me go. i hope this day gives us a future to look forward to.
every time i walk in on my boyfriend looking at porn i feel like i’m not good enough for him. i hate that he makes me feel like that.
i’m planning on making the biggest mistake of my life but it’ll make me happier in the long run. i’ll never be what you want me to be.
ever since he fingered me in the movie theater seeing ‘the omen’ every time someone says the word evil i get wet. nobody ever made me feel the way he did.
i’m jealous of every girl who is skinnier, prettier, and happier than i am.
there is no part of my life that makes me happy because i have never fit in anywhere and i’m afraid i never will.
today’s the day. i finally get to say goodbye.
for the first time in months i didn’t talk to my best friend before bed. he didn’t call because he now has a new girl in his life. i can’t believe i’m so jealous of someone neither of us knows.
i wanted my dog to die before i talked to my ex-best friend again so something big will have changed since she left. now my dog is gone and i feel awful.
i’m a freshman in college. statistically i shouldn’t be here and sometimes i wish i wasn’t and that i would end up a cocaine addict like my parents.
i’m mad at my two best friends for ruining my twentieth birthday by being mad at each other. i hate that they are so selfish they can’t put aside their differences for me.
i hate my ex-best friend's new girlfriend so much that i took the time to find out where she lives and i fantasize about breaking her neck.

textsecret

2009-01-19T01:29:00.000-08:00

several secrets over the past few weeks have made me think of this song…

is it wrong not to always be glad?
no, it’s not wrong but i must add
how can someone so young
sing words so sad?
sheila take, sheila take a bow
boot the grime of this world in the crotch dear
and don’t go home tonight
come out and find the one that you love and who loves you

(sheila take a bow – the smiths)

i know it probably isn’t my place to determine what is a secret and what isn’t but i am doing it anyway. i get nearly a hundred new secrets each week and i post nearly all of them but an incredibly small percentage get omitted because i just do not recognize them as secrets. i’m not going to make a list of requirements, a faq of secrets, or keywords i look for to determine what is in and what is not. i don’t want people to edit what they send to me, or try to format their texts just to get posted. i want you all to feel free to send in whatever it is that you want to say. sometimes what is sent in just isn’t a secret though. like i said, it is an incredibly small percentage each week. this may upset, offend, and/or anger some of you. I’m sorry if that is the case. i mention this because i want you all to have full disclosure and as complete an understanding of what i do as possible.

so, last week i had received a secret twice. twice! the person was concerned they hadn’t sent it to the right phone number, which is why they sent it twice. even with it in my phone two times i still somehow failed to include it in the original post of secrets so i had to include an addendum. i’ve included the secret again this week just to make up for it not being there in the first place. i do apologize, i will try not to let it happen again. as always, thank you for sharing.

here are this week’s secrets:

i read so many secrets last year about how people's sole goal for 2008 was to not live to see 2009. i hope they are all still alive and i want them all to know that i love them even if it seems like no one else does. i love them and i will always love them.
my mother blames it on me when it is her fault but of course i could never tell her that because it hurt her more than it hurts me.
he knows that i’m in love with him but we haven’t spoken to each other about it. a majority of time i think it’s because he doesn’t want to break my heart but there’s still a part of me that thinks it’s because he may feel the same way and that he’s scared. i hope it’s because he’s scared.
sharing my secrets on here is more helpful and satisfying than any therapy session or pill taken. thank you!
my family is racist. they hate gays. i’m bi. i want to adopt a child from another country. maybe i’ll change them.
i really hope you come to my party even if the only reason you come is for the weed.
my dad is in the marines and is a real mean drunk. the other day i caught my mom having sex with my best friend. now i’m making them both give me bjs on demand so i won’t tell my dad what i caught them doing.
the only things stopping me from killing myself is i want to do more drugs and i want to see what will happen with us.
growing up i’ve hated my mother so much i’ve wanted her dead for leaving me alone. now i don’t know what i’d do without her.
i’m such a loser but i pretend to have life figured out. people think i’m great but they don’t know the lies i tell. i’m bad with money and i’ve had three abortions.
someone sent me a secret that they are a virgin. i wanted to tell them to stay one as long as they can because sex ruins everything.
i wish so deeply everyday that something horrible or tragic will happen to him or i so i have a good enough excuse to talk to him and for him to love me again.
why can’t he just tell me already? i feel so alone.
i think i’m in an abusive relationship but i’m not sure. i love him too much to leave but i’m getting so scared. not for my life but for the realization of this.
i’m doing adderall just because i want to lose weight. i’m drinking four shots of vodka every day so i can keep going.
if he doesn’t marry me on march 15th then maybe it’s a sign that he never will then i will have to move on and forget the last three and a half years ever happened.
we say that we think of each other like brother and sister but i’m not sure how honest we’re being with ourselves.
i just found out that i had a miscarriage. i’m only 16 but i’m really distraught by it and i blame myself. i feel so horrible.
i have a boyfriend but i can’t help fantasizing about doing sexual things with other guys. i feel really bad about it but i can’t stop.
i love him and took him back but i’m afraid that when i go back to school i’ll want to be single and party pointlessly again.
after an hour or so of getting ready i still don’t feel pretty. it terrifies me that i will never be good enough.
a kid on my school bus told me she is pregnant today. i smiled to her face but when my bus was empty i cried for her. she brought me back 13 years.
i’ve been neglected, molested, and screamed at all my life. now i’m just neglected. how do i compete with a machine?
i’m only alive because i can’t find an effective way to kill myself.
i’m so in love with you but i’m scared to tell you because you might either not believe me or laugh in my face rather than say you feel the same about me.
when i gave my daddy a hug on christmas morning because he gave me car for my present i felt his hard on through his pants. it excited me more than the car.
i was an accident. i feel like if i had never been born then perhaps everyone else’s lives would be easier too but i know if i kill myself that will make it worse.
i have a crush on my straight male friend.
i want just him. i don’t want to be a whore. i want to stick with one person. he wants to wait a little bit. i hope it’s worth it.
when i watch shows on the holocaust and hear the sirens my body cringes and i become scared and i just can’t shake the feeling.
i give a blowjob to the man i babysit for whenever his wife lets him drive me home.
after 6 months of recovering I haven’t felt like myself. i’m slowly slipping back into anorexia and it feels like coming home.
the worst thing about finding out that the guy i fell hardest for used me and wasn’t over his ex is that i have to go to school and make people think i’m happy.
he and i are so similar that it scares both of us too much to act on the similarities. i’ve never known anyone like him and i know he knows no one like me either.
i must keep it together. i have to keep it together. i gotta keep it together. i don’t want to keep it together anymore.
i wish he would propose already. i know we’re young and i know i’m hard to put up with but i would change everything if he asked me to marry him.
my life goal is to become a pirate.
i’m afraid i moved in with him just to get away from where i was.
sometimes these kids make me doubt myself as a teacher.
i no longer care about you but i still get excited when you look sad because you are seeing how happy i am with him. i was never this happy with you.
my dad’s room is right above mine and i masturbate when i hear his bed squeaking because he’s playing with himself. i want him to be my first.
all of my friends are lovesick and i don’t really mind i just kinda miss the way things were when boys still had cooties.
“[he] could be a friend in my eyes but [he] looks good today and [he] is so alive”. exactly what i think every fucking time i see him.
i feel more connected to the strangers i share secrets with than i do with my friends or family.
he’d be pissed if he could see me when i lift my shirt, suck in my gut, hold my breath and smile at my ribs while i whisper “beautiful” with the air i have left.
my friends, not my family, are what keep me from killing myself because i know i would be devastated if it was one of them that did it.
i would honestly rather break my arm than write papers for class.
i order most of my shirts from threadless and the designs are so cute and witty that i’m offended when i wear one and nobody compliments me on them.
some nights i don’t want to fall asleep in fear that he’ll call and i’ll miss my chance to hear his voice. this is so stupid because he hasn’t called in weeks.
my best friend broke up with her boyfriend and already has 4 other guys waiting to date her. i have never had a boyfriend, been kissed, or even had someone like me i'm just the loud, obnoxious girl who is okay with being single, even though i'm really not
i’m falling in love with a girl i’ve never met and it’s even harder because she’s a 41 year old professional and her family refuses to accept that she’s a lesbian.
i'm afraid i'll never be the same.
my brother and i slept in the same room until my mom caught us fooling around last month. i’m so lonely in bed now.
no one believes that i'm still a virgin; i'm 33.
every time i see a secret that has to do with 'twilight', i think i die a little on the inside. stupid books.
i'm a boy, and that didn't stop my stepfather from molesting me.
my "friend" isn't aware that in order for me to finally be happy, i need to get rid of her and stop trying to be a friend to her. she's done nothing for me and it's time for me to live happily without her. i couldn't be happier.
two more years until i can move out and forget everything and everyone.
i had sex just to say i had sex. i regret it no matter what i tell everyone else.
there’s a new kid at school and he looks exactly like a guy i met online. i was so excited that maybe there was a guy that wouldn’t be so disgusted by me.
my girlfriend is in love with me but i’m in love with my best friend. i’m only with my girlfriend because my best friend won’t have me. it’s not going to last.
for five dollars i let guys touch my tits on the school bus. for ten they can see them.
he talks about marriage sometimes but always tries to make it sound like he’s joking. the idea terrifies me but i can’t imagine loving anyone else.
he’s my best friend and i love him but he’s becoming indifferent to me again. i just want someone to care that i’m self-destructing.
my grades have slipped but i love smoking weed too much to stop. if he asked me i would though. that’s how much i love him.
i’m scared to death that my son will grow up to hate me like i hate my parents and my father hates his
i had a dream that my marine boyfriend snuck into my room to sleep next to me and in the morning gave me 20 plane tickets to see him. i wish it were true.
i met a guy through texts about three weeks ago. he claims to be in love with me. he’s emotionally unstable. i’m too nice to tell him to leave me alone.
my fiancé dumped me. i thought everything was over. now i’m dating my best friend from before her. everything is amazing but i feel guilty that i was able to move on so quickly.
my mom thinks i’m working for her best friend on the weekends but really she’s just paying me to have sex with her.
i’m hanging out with my friends but all i can think about is how i’m going to go home and cut.
i was two months pregnant but i had a miscarriage. i feel so guilty. i think it was my fault.
i sent in a secret a month ago and forgot it. now i can’t help reading through them and wondering which is mine. it’s liberating not being able to find it.
ever since you left i’ve had a missing piece that i can’t fill.
i wonder if my parents realize just how much i lie to them.
i hate my best friend.
the butch i was falling for is still in love with her ex. it hurt me more than i thought when she jumped ship but thankfully she was honest. i wish i was more like her.
i will never forget the night when my dad drove drunk with my five year old brother and my mom and i had to drive around different cities to find him. it scarred me forever and made me hate alcohol. it's incidents like these why i will never drink. i'm sticking to apple cider on my wedding day.
it’ll be our one year anniversary in april. he’s my first true boyfriend and i love him with all of my heart. i wish we could stay together forever but i’m afraid fairytales like that don’t happen anymore.
he just stopped talking to me one day. i’ve thought about him everyday, though less over time. i just wonder if he thinks about me.
when my mom gets mad at me i get scared that she will put me back up for adoption.
i got drunk at a party and had sex, for the first time, with two different guys. that week i was worried i got pregnant or had hpv. i think i have the later.
thanks to you i know about postsecret. too bad i only want to hang out when i’m drunk. you are a good person. i am not. i wish the best for you.
i wish i had cancer instead of you. you’re too young and you have a life going for you.
you are the only one i don’t try to push away.
two days ago i packed my bags and headed to a hotel to get away from my parents and the constant negativity and arguing. i drove out of town only to cave and come back home. only one person knew i was leaving and she said "let me call you right back." sad thing is still no one else knows and no one even bothered to call me and ask how i was for those several hours. i think this reaffirms that if i went missing or something happened no one would notice except for the fact of not having me around to do things for them.
i tell guys my best friend is a slut so they won’t fuck her but i do it to she doesn’t get hurt or pregnant.
i still really want to be a model.
i’ve thought about faking my funeral to see if anyone cares enough to show up.
i wish my best friend would at least pretend like he cared because it kills me that he doesn’t seem to care about me like i do him.
it’s my own fault that he doesn’t want me back. i wish i could take him back but i keep telling myself that he abused me in multiple ways. i love him though. i always will.
i have commitment issues. i love my boyfriend more than anything but i don’t feel like he loves me. maybe i’m not good enough for him either.
why can’t he just realize that he deserves to be with me? it hurts when he tells me he doesn’t.
i’m thinking about killing myself now that it’s over. not over really but because it’s proven to me that every person in my life has torn me apart.
i love sports and video games but wear make-up and high heels. why can’t i find a guy who can deal with that?

1000 secrets!

2009-01-12T10:02:00.000-08:00

textsecret addendum: i apologize for this, i really do. i received a secret last week and forgot to post it. the sad thing is i received the secret twice! so the sender sent another text, after i posted on monday, asking why. there is no secret agenda or conspiracy to hide this one secret. i just missed it. i feel so stupid and bad. so here is the missing text. again, i'm sorry for missing this one. again, thank you all for sharing...

i read so many secrets last year about how people's sole goal for 2008 was to not live to see 2009. i hope they are all still alive and i want them all to know that i love them even if it seems like no one else does. i love them and i will always love them.

i'm posting my 1000th secret this week. it seems hard to believe but it's true. thank you all for sharing. here are this week's secrets...

i'm afraid that absence will make my heart forget.
whenever my best girl friend and i argue over whether our guy best friend likes me or her, i sometimes wish she was right, or i was wrong. i don't even like him as anything but a best friend, i just want to know it's possible for someone to like me as something more than a friend, or at all.
i don’t let him touch me because it reminds me of him and what he did to me.
i feel suicide would be the only way out. i feel there is nothing for me here. i feel there is no one for me here.
i wish i could send him a "happy birthday" wish just to see his reaction... but i'm sure his wife, my parents, and the one i'm with would be disappointed. i'm over him and everything that happened between us and yet i want to talk to him and ask him, "why?"
i’m afraid i’m never going to be god at anything. i have a degree and am working in my field but i don’t think i’m good at my job.
i’m finally doing what i want in life and i’m scared as hell but it never felt so good.
i’m amazingly vain and i crave attention constantly. at the same time, i hate myself and the way i look.
my boyfriend taped a girl peeing and i hate how he tapes me but i can never leave him because no one else will ever want me.
i hate that i put on my myspace that i’m taken and my boyfriend’s says single.
i slept with one of my closest friends, who is a co-worker, and also happens to be engaged.
in 21 days i’ll be 21. i realized tonight that i’m not excited to be legal to drink. i don’t even drink. i’m more excited that i lived long enough to see 21.
my old friend and i were inseperable. then she ruined my life. i hated her. i’d give up all of the new friends i’ve made to be best friends with her again.
my mom wrote a suicide hotline number on my bathroom mirror. that broke me.
i wish i had been born a boy. then i wouldn’t be so vulnerable. i wouldn’t have been molested. i look better as a boy. if only my lips were thinner and my jaw sharper…
if i eat more than 500 calories in a day i feel like a whale. i’m not even thin so it feels like it doesn’t matter anyway.
i’ve been fooling around with my married ex. he was mine first. sad truth, i still love him and should’ve had his baby. thanks for the support mom and dad.
i love him more than i’ve ever loved anyone. he’s engaged to a woman he doesn’t love. he isn’t leaving her because he’s “comfortable”. i won’t stop loving him.
i knew she was bad for me i just didn’t realize how bad until new year’s day. i let go and in doing so I became a much better me.
my best friend is dating my ex, my first love, they have no idea how much that kills me. he’s such a jack-ass now. he used to be the nicest guy i knew. i can’t stand him now. he’s so mean to me, always yelling and bitching me out. why do i keep chasing him? i’m done.
i don’t keep secrets.
i’m white. since college i’ve been so attracted to black men. i had sex with a white guy last night and it was off. i wonder if it was just him or because he is white. i feel that i need to have sex with another white guy to know. i’m so jaded.
i’m afraid to be myself in front of anyone because they all think i’m gay even though i’m madly in love with the girl of my dreams.
it makes me sad when people talk about suicide. i’d give anything to live longer. life is special.
i’m 21. i lost my baby 3 years ago. it’s always harder on january 12th. a part of me dies everyday.
i am pooping blood and it scares me so badly but i don’t want to go to the doctor because i’m scared of them putting a finger in my butt.
i want to o to prom with you but you won’t ask because mine is on the same day as yours. i’d miss mine for you but i’m afraid to say his even though you are probably thinking the same thing.
i can’t leave him and i know i never will. but i wish i had fallen in love with someone who i could talk to or thought my quirks were cute and not faults.
i take zoloft for my anxiety attacks. i wish my dad would take it for his depression and stop ruining our family with his pessimistic attitude and cold heart.
my best friend died to months ago while drunk driving. i’m worried that she will think i loved her less because i stopped crying so soon.
i’ve had two fathers die, was molested by my brother, and have been on the other side of the country from my family since i was 18. this break-up is what’s sending me over the edge. i guess i’m not as good at controlling my emotions as i thought.
i want to die but i feel too guilty about leaving my best friend alone to deal with his problems but i don’t know how much longer i can handle my own.
i’m so insecure about my weight it stops me from pursuing my dreams.
i just want him to purpose so we can live happily ever after. he’s asked my dad and he has the ring, now i’m just waiting.
Tomorrow I see you for the last time before you’re deployed. promise me that you’ll come back because then i’ll be able to tell you i’ve fallen in love with you.
“forbidden to remember, terrified to forget, it’s a hard line to walk.” that’s my favorite and least favorite line from ‘new moon’ because it makes me think of you. I miss you.
the 12th is my ex’s birthday. i want nothing more then to spend it with him but he’s spending it with her. i’m too afraid to even text him happy birthday.
my best friend and i woke up to look at this week’s new secrets. you posted both of ours and we were able to spot each others immediately. thank you for showing us another meaning of best friends.
i hate what she has become.
i’m having an emotional affair with a guy i’ve never met who lives three states away and i think i’m really starting to love him. it’s pathetic but i can’t stop.
my father’s girlfriend thinks i’m bitter because my mother is on drugs when actually i’m just bitter about fake whores like her who are trying to sleep with my father.
i still want to die so thanks for nothing.
i want to die.
i have never had an orgasm and i’m afraid i’m one of the few people who are unable to.
i worry too much about him and it stresses me out but i can’t help but care. he’s the best friend i’ve ever had.
i know i should work on not cutting but part of me doesn’t want to get better
i’m scared that i will never believe in the things that most people believe in. i wish i didn’t over think everything and could just go with things.
i want to have an illegitimate child so that people would see that i wouldn’t abort it but mostly i just want to have a baby and i want it to be his.
my boyfriend is waiting until he proposes to say ‘I love you’. we’ve been together 3.5 years and i have loved him since day one. i can’t wait until i hear those three words.
i feel like a horrible person for wishing his possible baby’s mama would die. we just found out her daughter is dying of a rare blood disease. i think it’s my fault.
i think I go for guys who are unattainable so i won’t have to deal with the pain of rejection.
i’m scared to let go. he was the first boy to treat me like that but hurt me. i need to move. i am because i deserve better but i don’t want to lose the friendship.
i think you’re masochistic or psychotic to put up with me. maybe it’s your falcon kicks? but i’m still really grateful that you do.
my friends tease me saying that my co-worker and i are going to get married and have hobbit children because we’re both so short. the truth is i’m in love with him for real and he will never know.
i don’t feel anything when i have sex. i keep sleeping with in hopes of feeling something.
i’m in love with someone else but you’re the first boy to make me feel something. you may be the one to save me.
i think my destiny is to kill myself.
i’m losing my job, friends, and house in this economy and i just threw my boyfriend of five years away so i could lose weight and hopefully find a better man.
my dad was never home when i was a kid and now when he finally is around i want nothing to do with him. i see the hurt in his eyes and don’t care.
i hooked up with the guy my sister wanted to marry and ruined everything.
every time i’m front row at a show i want to mess with all of the buttons on stage and blame it on the poseur scene girls next to me.
my boyfriend asked me to move in with him and i said yes even though i didn’t really think we were ready. my biggest fear is that he’ll ask me to marry him and i will say yes even though i’m not sure he is the one.
i hope my bf figures it out and forces me to make a decision. i don’t know which of you i would choose. i feel more secure with him but i love you like no other.
i’m never good enough for anyone no matter how hard i try. it’s a horrible feeling.
my mom thought i was taking a nap but the blood says otherwise.
i like the feeling of making myself bleed.
i think my best friend is starting to love me more than he will admit. he knows i like someone else but responds by saying he hates this other guy he barely even knows. i just want him to understand.
i’m miserable.
make believe is better than the real world 99 percent of the time. he was the one percent that made the real world better. he loved me then gave up because i went out with his best friend. now i’m in love with him and he’s done.
i’ve known how i wanted my life to be since i was 8 and being in love with you is changing all of that. i’m not sure if i’m ready for the commitment.
stop saying you miss me and start showing me for once, genius. i hate so many things about you but i can’t help but think about how perfect you can be.
the only reason I’m not anorexic is that I don’t have the will power.
i’m kind of with my ex-girlfriend again and everything is great but I still think about the girl I left her for in the first place. I’m afraid that girl will always have my heart even though she never gave me a chance.
i’m sticking around just because i don’t want to prove you right about people but i really want to leave you.
i’ve never dreamt about a single person as many times as i have about him.
i am a married woman who fell in love with a married man online. we did things i’m not proud of and we got caught by his wife. i feel like i’ve had my heart ripped out because i can no longer talk to him. i cry every night because i miss him so much. i know i shouldn’t but i can’t help how i feel.
my boyfriend and i got back together. i used to be so in love with him but now i want to be with the guy i dated while we were broken up.
my dad is dying. i don’t know if i would be as sad if it were my mom even though she’s done nothing but love me my entire life.
i would give anything to be in love.
i got into a costly hit and run accident over a week ago. i’ve felt so guilty and paranoid ever since. only my bf knows.
i’m just going to wait until i find edward cullen because it seems like no other guy gives a damn.
i would never kill myself but i sometimes wish that i would get into an accident or something. sometimes, i just can’t take all of this at once.
my mom is married and has three kids including me. i just found out she’s sending out pictures of body parts, that are supposed to be left unseen, to other guys. i’m so disgusted with her.
i wish i could hold you, make your tears stop, mend your broken heart. i wish you could heal mine. most of all, i wish i didn’t love you anymore.
i wish we could’ve loved each other at the same time but i guess it was not meant to be,
i like him! there, i said it.
even though everyone keeps telling me it was the right thing i still feel like letting her go was the wrong thing to do.
i dream that he tries to reach out to me through post or textsecret.
i want to be with him forever but that’s what i said about my ex too.
why am i never satisfied?
i was disappointed when the pregnancy test came back negative.
i am sick of carrying my best friend’s secrets. i wish she would tell him she cheated and not make me carry this anymore.
i really just want a hug. it would make my brain stop spinning for a wrinkle in time and for that moment things would be ok.
he thinks i cheated on him only once but it was more like forty. i get frustrated when he pushes me away. the only thing stopping me from wanting him back is the fact he slept with someone else on the day we broke up. he says he loves me but i don’t believe him because of her.
i’m 22 years old and my mom hits and chokes me. she threatened to throw herself down the stains to put me in jail. i stay because she’s disabled and i’m broke.
he asked me if i loved him and i couldn’t answer because i was afraid it was a trick question. the answer would have been yes and now i have to wait to tell him so he doesn’t think i’m making it up.
i fell in love with my best friend’s boyfriend and i was sad when they broke up because it meant no more flirting when she left the room.

2009-01-05T03:32:00.000-08:00

i'm a trusting person. at least, i'd like to think that i am. i want to believe in an inherently good and honest nature for people. i want to believe in the benefit of the doubt. i want to think people aren't lying to me just for the sake of lying.

nobody asks to be lied to. i certainly don't. and as part of this project, i trust that when people are sending me texts they are honestly sending me secrets and not just making things up because they are bored.

i got a text recently admitting to just such a thing. the person admitted to sending in up to three or four texts per week and that they were all lies. she said she was bored and wanted something to do so she sent me texts under the guise of them being secrets. this cut me to my core. this shattered my entire illusion that what i was doing was allowing people to get secrets off of their chests, or that i was somehow helping someone get a grasp on the enormity of their feelings because of whatever secret they were hiding.

[i immediately saved the number to my phone in order to identify any more "secrets" she might send in. she sent more. i never posted them.]

in sharing this, i'm not looking for validation, sympathy, solidarity, or anything really. i'd still like to believe i am doing something good. something right. something helpful. i will continue to do this and post secrets as long as they continue to come to me. i guess i'm a bit sad about it though because now i can't help but look at each secret with a cynical eye or with a healthy dose of suspicion. i'm sorry about that. i just can't read them the way i used to. i cannot outright distrust any of you or what you are sharing (i still truly want to believe in the honesty and integrity of the project) but it is telling what one bad apple can do and how easily a bubble can be burst....

as always, thank you all for sharing. here are this week's secrets:

every time i do something that reminds me of my dad i want to cut myself as a reminder not to ever do it again.
i want him to get over his shyness. he likes me and i like him and i hate that i’m such an outgoing person and he’s afraid to show it.
i’m lez
everyone thinks i lied to him. truth is he’s the only person i’ve been completely honest to.
i waited too long and now she’s taking you from me. you couldn’t possibly understand how heartbreaking it is but it’s my fault.
i bailed out on my sisters and some friends tonight (new year’s eve) because i didn’t want to be the only one who had no one to kiss at midnight.
i almost feel beautiful when i’m practicing kendo. it is also when i feel the most inadequate and ugly.
i wish we could go back to that day in august. i wish you would talk to me. i wish we could have a second chance. i wish you would be the person you’re afraid to be.
i’m wondering why i’m even planning on starting the new year when i don’t think i’m going to live until the end of it.
i’m worried i’ll never get a boyfriend because every new friend i’ve made in the past year is gay and i’m not.
i’m in love with my best friend. she loves me but i don’t know how to tell her.
someone once told me, “there is something more to you, and you just have to let people in to let them see it. i’m not sure what it is but i love it” and it bothered me.
i love my boyfriend and have never been happier with anyone else but his kid is a manipulative little monster with a nasty temper and attitude and i don’t know how much longer he will be enough to keep me there dealing with her.
sometimes i ruin my life just to see if i can fix it.
i am so bitter.
i wish i had more friends so i could afford to rent a house and take my pets and me away from the bullshit of my family.
i just lost my virginity to a boy and the entire time i thought of my ex-girlfriend that i’m still in love with.
when i move i hope we can build some sort of a relationship. i really hope you’re still alive and i hope you want it as bad as i do.
i’m more excited when you text me than when my boyfriend does. i’m scared. please don’t make me fall for you.
i regret putting him up for adoption.
i recently cut off a dear friend. her judging me more for being kinky than when i dated another woman was the final straw. i’m officially out of the kink closet!
i honestly think i would give up just about anything to have someone i could call my own. just someone to love.
while i sat at her funeral today i planned my own suicide down to the minute. i watched her family crying and friends mourning and i realized this isn’t about me and my selfishness it’s about loving her and praising her life despite its length. by the end of the evening i stopped thinking about the glorious ways to poison myself and started living the way she did, full of compassion and love. if i don’t live for me she is my only reason.
my teacher asked me what i wanted in life in front of 30 peers. i wanted to say that i want every single person in this world to know someone loves them. i told him money instead.
i texted the boy i like. i told him i like him. i thought i would regret it but in fact i’m glad i did it and it made me feel good.
i’m still in love with my ex and it’s been over three years. he was my first boyfriend. the first person i told about the cutting. the first person to ever care.
i’m scared of failing my senior year because no one in my family has ever made it this far. the sad thing is, not only am i handicapped but i have many other obstacles i have to overcome.
i’m afraid that i’m going to die alone and that no one will love me. what’s wrong with me?
every day i wonder why i’m such a failure and why i’m alive. then i think of my niece but i’m not sure if i’ll make it past the age of 18. i just turned 17.
tonight i’ve realized i don’t want death i just want the pain to stop permanently. it won’t. time to make a decision.
i’m so afraid of failing that i’ve already given up on my future. also, i think i was molested as a kid but i don’t remember.
i give up. suicide is worth it.
i hope you get caught. i really do. and since you won’t on your own i might tell her. she has a right to know. merry christmas you imbecile.
the only way me and my dad bond is when we’re getting high, otherwise we’re fighting.
i’m afraid i have too much love in my heart for this world.
i like tentacle porn.
i have no idea what to do. i’m just so confused and hurt that it makes me sick to my stomach. i wish i could just know the truth.
i go to the same college my grandma went to. i wish she had left me a journal or something so i could know what it was like when she was here. the only thing i know is that she hated it.
i really want to be bi but i think my parents would disown me and i would get kicked out of my church.
they tell me i’m the strongest person they know. at 15 i’ve been through it all. they don’t know i have to sleep with a night light in fear he will kill me.
my new year’s resolution is to date boys who i’m really interested in for a change.
even though i gave up on caring about relationships, love, and everything else, i still cry at night because i know i will never have any of it.
i think guys don’t like me because i’m fat. i’d do anything to be skinny and confident.
i hate when you don’t talk to me but i ache when you do.
you were one of my best friends. we’ve grown apart now and i’m not taking the blame. i think you’re annoying and stuck up now and you’re the one that wanted to forget about me. now you’re such good friends with her that when i try to make an effort to talk to you i feel like you’re being fake or just don’t care.
it’s been seven months and i still hurt because of you every damned day. i try not to care but i do. put half a country between us or half a room and i still feel the same. someone make it stop.
i’m the one everyone goes to with a problem but for once i wish they would see beyond my happy upbeat personality and realize i need someone to listen to my problems too.
he broke my heart twice, even after all that i still pray for his safety before mine. i know he doesn't care about me anymore but i still care for him.
gordon ramsey is hot!
i always have some fantasy going on in my head. it makes reality a little bit more bearable.
i'm incredibly in love with my ex and would literally lay my life on the line for her. i would drop everything to be with her at any given moment, all i need is to hear her say she needs me. i just don't know how to tell her.
i'm really sad because frank took a 'break' from posting secrets on the last sunday i'll ever be on this earth. it's the only thing i'll miss.
i think my little sister is having sex for money.
i’m not a lesbian or even bi but i’d give just about anything to fool around with my best friend. i think it’d be fun.
everyday i get up and fight myself for my own life.
even though i’m on my period i’m still terribly afraid that i’m pregnant.
i wanted to tell you yes. yes i am. but this is wrong and i’m sorry. i can’t break his heart. i can’t break your’s. so i’ll just let mine shatter quietly.
i don’t care if it seems like we’re moving really fast. i’ve never felt so confident of anything in my life. you’re amazing.
my husband is at war yet i don’t worry about him as much as i think i should. does this make me a bad person?
my fiance left me tonight and i want to take as many pills as i can to make the pain go away.
this year, things need to change because i don’t know how much longer i can go on if they don’t.
my bf is in the military. i cheated on him tonight after he wouldn’t tell a stranger he was taken.
i miss you. whenever something funny happens or i’m feeling alone i think about calling you. i never do.
i love him and everyone says we are meant for each other but i think i’m still in love with my ex, too.
i talk to him everyday because i’m afraid that he’s actually thinking of suicide.
i love my husband more when i’m sleeping with my mister behind his back.
i miss you. i want you to be ok.
i made him suicidal. oh god, please forgive me. it’s my fault if he dies. please take care of him. don’t turn him away. he has such a beautiful soul.
i think i’m in love with my friend. all i want is for him to be happy. it breaks my heart whenever he is sad and i do everything i can to pick him back up again. i’ll tell him… …someday.
i’ll be praying for you.
i told him i don’t want to have sex until i’m married but that’s a lie. i just want to wait until the time feels right.
i want to take my anorexia to the next stage but every time i try i feel like a failure because nothing comes up.
i don’t know if i want to get better because i think i will hate the better me as much as i hate the depressed me.
i love college and i’m excited to teach soon but i’d give it all up to be a mommy. i can’t wait. i don’t care if there’s a ring or a husband.
i’m waiting for our cycle to start again.
i want to be able to say something to make you smile, cheer you up, give you hope, but i don’t know what you need to hear. i’m sorry.
the only reason i watch "the fairly odd parents", is so that i can dream about what i would wish for if fairy god parents were real.
the more you told me you loved me, the more i fucking hated you. thanks for nothing.
he loves me! i know! i tell him about my boyfriends. i want him to hate me! it would be easier then disappointing him and never meeting up to his expectations as a lover! you see: i love him too, and i can never be what he wants me to be!
whenever i go to a concert i always expect something special to happen and when it doesn’t i don’t like the band as much afterwards. i feel shallow for that.
he broke my heart and i forgave him. now he wants it back and i’m afraid i don’t have the power to say no.
i need to make money and i feel like the only way i can make that money is to sell myself.
worst idea ever: leaving my fiance for my best friend.
him loving me is not the threat to the future of your relationship. him not loving you is though.
i’m happy he is gone.
my new year’s resolution is to stop being so insecure. i won’t ruin the best relationship i’ve ever had because of my lack of confidence.
i’m still in love with him but he’s engaged to the girl he cheated on me with.
i can’t look my dad in the eyes after he caught me in the shower with my boyfriend seven months ago.
i’m as close to suicidal as i’ve ever been.
i have unprotected sex with multiple men. if they ask me if i’m fucking someone else i tell them the truth but if they ask about protection i lie so they’ll keep fucking me without a condom. it also seems to make them feel special that i’d be willing to do that for them. i’m an rn and i know better but i don’t care.
i’m in love with my best friend but he’s gay and will never love me as more than a friend because i am a woman.
everyone thinks i’m a goody good because i won’t smoke weed. the only reason i don’t is because i don’t want to be like my parents and ruin my child’s life to get high.
i want to be a surrogate mom for my friend but i’m afraid it’s only because i want to sleep with her husband

textsecret

2008-12-29T08:27:00.000-08:00

i pray everyone will have a safe new year's eve and that the new year brings some relief from the burden of the secrets we carry.

as always, thank you for sharing...

here are this week's secrets:

to whom ever is waiting until after the holidays to kill yourself, please don’t. i wish i knew who you were.
i can’t feel it.
there were two of us at work who were spending christmas alone. only she was invited to anyone's house. i hate my co-workers.
i am the happiest i have ever been and it’s because of you. but you’re leaving saturday. my heart is breaking knowing i won’t see you for four months. you’re amazing.
for christmas, my brother got everything i need to pursue my dream. i no longer have any hope for life.
i want to be an english teacher when i’m older. i’m so happy i’ve finally figured out what i want to do.
i think my best friend is starting to realize that she is becoming less and less important to me and it’s actually hurting me more than i thought it would.
i am always scared that people are dead when they are actually sleeping so i always have to check to see if they are breathing or wake them.
i live for the future because i have nothing that is holding me to the present.
i’m 16 and i don’t know how to talk to my dad. the only way we connect is through the music he liked when he was a kid.
don’t you see how uncomfortable i get when you talk to me about other girls? did you ever wonder why? it’s because i still like you.
meeting him is the best christmas gift.
she is always on my mind. i wish she would believe the things i say to her. i’m not the giant sweet-talker she thinks i am. i just can’t get over her that easily.
i always say that honesty is the best policy but i feel like a hypocrite because i have seen secrets that nobody knows and i lie to myself every day.
when my brother died, i wished it was my mother.
i wish i were chinese so i could communicate and thus connect better with my boyfriend.
i’ve known him for a while but now we are finally getting to know each other. i don’t know why i can’t stop thinking about him. i’ve never felt this way before.
my ex dumped me because i wouldn’t let him have friends who were girls. i thought he cheated but i was wrong. we want to get back together but i’m too ashamed.
i think i’m lost.
i want to die.
every time i get into the car i hope someone will hit me so i don’t have to kill myself.
i’ve been to hell and back. the worst of my secrets? i’m in love. my heart isn’t made of stone. i feel stupid and weak – submissive. this isn’t me.
i wish i had gone to my dad’s for christmas this year. i can’t wait for this day to be over.
i’ll never be good enough for him even though he tells me i am.
i hate christmas.
it’s christmas eve and i can’t wait for my sister and brother to wake up and open the presents i got them. i don’t even care what i got. their smiles will be worth it!
the only time i’ve felt truly loved is when my uncle molested me.
it’s going to be the worst christmas without you here. i miss you so much daddy.
disappointing my mother is worse than making her upset. i got two f’s my first semester in college. i’m afraid to tell her.
i’m starting to think i love my online bf more than i will ever love my husband.
i’m more excited than scared that i might be pregnant. i just don’t know how to tell my parents.
i hate my feminist friend. i think she is an annoying, hypocritical bitch!
my boyfriend has all of the missing qualities that i wanted for my ex but he doesn’t have some of the qualities that i liked.
i had unprotected sex with an ex for five years and never got pregnant. my boyfriend of 18 months and i have had unprotected sex for 3 months and i might be pregnant.
i’m afraid the past will catch up with me and he will find out i kissed his close friends, 3 months after he broke up with me.
i’ve been cutting off and on for six years now. no one knows. even those who have seen every inch of me. my little sister is supposed to be the weak one.
please don’t tell. let me keep the tiny bit of self-control i have. i need this. this is the only thing that comforts me.
i’m sorry that i write on all of the receipts that you’re supposed to take to court.
even though it was a lie, i almost wish it was the truth so i wouldn’t have to be friends with you.
if she keeps acting like this I will stop talking to her. she hasn’t changed a bit.
i buy damaged objects because i feel bad choosing the perfect ones over them. i’m damaged too after all.
i haven’t told anyone about being sexually assaulted at a party because i should have been smart enough not to leave my drink alone.
as much as i don’t want to admit this, his un-employment is affecting our relationship. i love him with all of my heart and will not leave him but the pressure of being the bread winner is beginning to take its toll.
my favorite place to read is on the toilet.
i kinda wish boys really did have cooties.
my friend and i fooled around a month after she got married. now she thinks she is bi.
i don’t want to regret him but i would trade it all to be with you. i’m afraid that my silence then is the reason for yours now. i miss you.
i am in love with my best friend. i keep walking away but it’s like being tied to a rubber band. i just want to curl up and die because he can’t love me.
i feel like i can’t get enough air into my lungs and i’m constantly on the verge of suffocating. i have no idea. it keeps me up at night.
i wish my mom & step dad could disappear so the abuse could stop.
i have a tendency to get attached to every guy who enters my life.
i left him and moved to another state hoping it would be better. i still love him and want him back. i don’t think he wants me anymore. all i do is cry.
i'm scared of sleeping directly underneath a fan. i can't stand it. i get freaked that it might fall down and chop me up. i lay awake for hours if i'm under a fan
i want him all the time... he wont escape my thoughts.
you’re going into the army. you’re my suicidal soldier. i still can’t say i love you and want you to stay. i love you. always will. please come home.
i get sad every time i read that someone else wants to kill themselves. i wish i could stop everyone from suicide.
i’m incredibly risque in the hopes of getting raped so i can blame not being a virgin on someone besides myself.
i was scared. i’m sorry i turned away.
i try to be bulimic but it just doesn’t work. how hard can it be to shove a finger down your throat?
i was best friends with a girl i thought i’d never be friends with and i kinda had a crush on her. i’m a girl and i don’t like girls. she never knew until after we stopped being friends. it took me almost a year to get over. i hate her.

2008-12-22T10:06:00.000-08:00

i've received more picture texts this week, and i am excited to share them, but i am having a bit of a time posting them so they will have to wait for now. i'm sorry. if you wish to email me a picture with a secret, my address is: iwii@yahoo.com. i will continue working on the problem and try to get them all up next week.

a few things i have learned in my 38 years:

you cannot base your faith on conditions of reward, wish fulfillment, or proof. you either have faith or you don’t.
to be honestly apologetic, the words, “i’m sorry”, cannot be followed by the word, “but” (i.e. “i’m sorry i kicked you in the shin, but you had it coming” or; “i’m sorry that i cheated on you, but she was all over me and i was drunk”). the word “but” essentially cancels out the apology by creating a disclaimer that, whatever the apology was for, wasn’t really your fault anyway.
irregardless is not a word
when shopping for gifts, we spend far too much time concerned about if the person will like it or not. If a person doesn’t like a gift i got for them, they can toss it for all i care. it truly is the thought that counts and if you can’t appreciate that someone went out of their way to get you a gift then you probably don’t deserve a gift in the first place.
for some reason, i maintain an infinite level of patience in order to help others with their problems and sincerely believe the advice i dole out is best for them, but i’m convinced my own advice would never work for me.
finding a good therapist is very difficult, but so worth it.
an economy cannot be “grown”. nor can a business, customer base, government services, or many other things. these all can be strengthened, built, increased, or fortified, but never grown.
my self-esteem has no concept of any logic based in a reality outside of my head.

as always, thank you all again for sharing your secrets. here they are for this week:

my mom’s best friend died from an overdose. her husband is the one suspected to have done it. i have a crush on him... i always hope i run into him. i know this is horrible but i can’t help myself... he was always so nice to me
i’m scared i’m never going to find the guy of my dreams. i have a boyfriend, and i have a son with him but i don’t think he is the one.
he treated me like shit and left me heartbroken and crying but i’d give up the man who treats me like a goddess now for one more chance with him.
my best friend of 12 years doesn’t call me or hang out with me anymore. he’s too busy with his gf to care i guess. he never tells me that i mean anything to him.
i’m attracted to the man who allegedly overdosed my friend.
i found gay porn on your computer. you said it was a virus. i hope that was the truth. i love you too much. i don’t want to lose you.
i can’t stop thinking about him. at school i scan the hallways and lunchroom for him. i feel like such a whore.
she said she was late. so was i. he freaked so we took a break. he said he would be with her if she was pregnant. She wasn’t. I was. I lost the baby and him.
i have more reasons to cut now than when i was doing it. i’m afraid of starting again.
i hate that i love him but i wouldn’t love to hate him.
i’m so happy I responded to her text. she has been a bright light in my dark world ever since. It breaks my heart to think we might never be together
i talk to people that aren’t real when no one’s around. at least my imaginary friends are always there for me.
the guys i sleep with don’t use condoms. i’m not on birth control. i am completely clean and disease free. i haven’t ever been pregnant. either i’m just really lucky or it will turn out that i can’t have kids.
i killed my goldfish on purpose.
as my parents are getting ready to put me into an institution i’m realizing that suicide probably is the answer.
i wish that just one of my more mundane fantasies would come true. then i could believe in god’s goodness again.
i told my parents that i cut myself because of stuff with friends and school just because i didn’t want to hurt them by telling them they were the real reason.
i don’t like you like that anymore. good luck with your life.
your thoughts of suicide are bullshit. don’t lie about that. you know who you are.
you replaced me with her, tell her you love her. you tell me you want me to stop being in your life and even to stop looking at you. i’m sorry. i’ll always love you.
i think my best friend tried to tell me he likes me tonight. i hope he tries again.
i’ve just been fired and i don’t know how to tell my parents. i’ve worked at different places over the last ten years but i’ve never been fired. i feel like a failure.
i’m in love with my 30 year old girlfriend but she doesn’t know how to budget money, take out the trash, or wash a god damned dish. i’m not sure if i can stay with her.
everyone tells me i am too good for him. he hurt me because of another girl. i still want him.
i write him text messages i will never send. i doubt he’d even care if i did.
i just found out today that my favorite grandma died in 2003.
i want to kill myself.
i texted her today to see if she was even alive. after not talking to her for so long i feared she had killed herself. she’s alive. i’m slightly disappointed.
i had a miscarriage and i didn’t even tell him i was pregnant.
i am waiting until after the holidays to kill myself. i’m just tired of living.
i’m a 23 year old guy who has always dated women. i’m learning that i’m willing to put up with things that i shouldn’t when dating a guy because they are harder to find.
i sometimes have a rush of hatred towards people with a passion.
i don’t know how 2 say yes.
he is no you, baby.
i’m sorry i cheated but the cheating was the best 3 months of my life.
i don’t have the power to hate my mother. she went through hell and back to have me. i do honestly think i could hate my dad. i really have no reason not to except that hate is a sin.
i keep messing up and when i try harder not to i mess up even more.
i just bought a shirt for myself with the money my mom gave me to buy my little sister a christmas present.
i loved my dad a lot. now he’s sick and dying and it feels like he’s already dead. i can’t say if i love him at all anymore.
i read because i prefer the books to reality. sometimes i wish something or someone would take me away on my own adventure. i just don't want to live this 'normal' life anymore.
you say i’m the most beautiful girl in the world. but when we get naked, don't think i don't notice how you look at my scars like they're the most disgusting thing on earth.
my mom gave me to my grandma so she could raise me....but kept my sister and brother. i love my childhood...but still it hurts.
i finally figured out that my biggest fear isn’t losing him but forgetting him and of that i am truly terrified.
my fiance died almost 2 years ago. i overheard some of my family talking about me the other day wondering if my heart will ever work right again... i wonder the same everyday, but it hurts to hear other people say it.
i tell my boyfriend that i’m ugly just so i can hear him say i’m pretty…
you ask me why i think i’m not good enough for you. i tell you it's because i’m crazy. you say i’m not. you don't know that i still cut myself, still starve myself, have unbearable mood swings, and abuse my mother's medication. seriously, sweetheart, you have no idea.
i say I hate you because i’m afraid of loving you.
we may not like the same composers but we both like hot cheetos and monsters and i love her even with our differences.
i thought i loved my ex. i wanted a future with him. he didn’t feel the same.
i have never done drugs or had sex; everyone just assumes the worst about me.
i lost my virginity to my best friend’s boyfriend. i had only met him two weeks before.
i’m marrying a boy i’m not sure i love because i don’t know if anyone else would ever marry me.
i started new antidepressant meds today. it’s the first time i’ve needed any. i’m really glad to have the help. and i like having an excuse for a sluggish mind.
i lost my virginity to a man who is twice my age that i met on myspace.
i have sex with guys because it feels better than being alone in my own bed even if it doesn’t last long.
if i was not beautiful, i would have no other reason to live.
i honestly don’t think i could so much as look at you anymore if you fell in love with someone else. i still love you. we cant just give up.
when i was pretending to be straight, i cheated on my girlfriend with her male friend. they are now dating and i can’t wait to tell her.
i see pictures of you on facebook with your other cousins. do you remember me?
i’m scared everyday that he will leave me again. i stopped eating and sleeping and i feel numb. i wish he would assure me i have nothing to worry about.
i was awake during half the time that she was revealing her thoughts because she thought i was asleep
i’m perfectly happy alone. i’m not jealous of my friends in relationships i’m actually sad for them for not understanding how beautiful loving yourself is.
i want to cut out my intestines so i can’t eat and can then lose weight.
i could never be more ashamed of myself than i am when i eat. i have no self-control without drugs to rely on. when i eat i don’t feel i deserve any form of affection.
if something were to happen to him i would regret it to the point of knowing i couldn’t even get out of bed in the morning. i call it love.
my best friend doesn’t know that i’m in love with him. he doesn’t even know that i’m gay.
i hate her for making him miserable but i hate even more that i understand what she is doing.
i want a baby. i’m 21 and i know i can’t take care of one but all of my friends have them or are pregnant and i’m jealous.
i’m afraid of growing old alone.
i would kill to know what goes on in his head when he is looking at me. i feel like he reads my emotions even though i try to hide them. it’s comforting.
his name was mike and he single-handedly destroyed me. i hope i pop into his head at the worst possible times and that, even for a second, he misses me.
i just found out my daughter is autistic. i act strong but, in truth, i want to cry every time i look at her.
we broke up a year ago on our one year anniversary. he is dating the girl he cheated on me with but now he cheats on her with me.
i hate waiting for, “i love you”.
my dad is an alcoholic and he throws stuff at me. mom was my only hope and now she’s having an affair on the neighbor and partying every night. i’m giving up on life.
i’m scared that i’m losing my best friend. he is also my ex, and my son’s father. he is moving to florida because i won’t be with him. being a teen parent is hard.
i am in love with my child’s doctor who is 22 years older than me.
i feel better having read your blog. it feels like i’m getting a glimpse into the future. i am waiting t see how you do. i feel i’m where you were a year ago.
my boyfriend bought me a ring to show me how much he wants us to be together. it’s cute but i think he’s over his head, plus there’s the fact i am in love with another boy.
i wish i could find my old razor… it would feel so good to fall again.
i found out i’m not pregnant. even though i’m still a teen i’m kind of bummed.
mom, you should have had an abortion. i promise things would have been easier that way.
i’m in love. someone out there does love you. don’t give up. i didn’t.
everyday i dream of ways you’ll break up with him and come back to me. i’m still waiting for you.
i’m falling for a boy who lives 3000 miles away. i feel really hurt when he doesn’t say anything especially flirty when we talk, but i know nothing can happen because of the distance. i don’t like caring so much, it can only lead to pain, but what can i do?
sometimes i want to kill myself because i’m afraid to go on with my life.
we’ve only been talking for 2 weeks but 2 nights ago he slipped and said he loved me when i was leaving. i just wish he really meant it. at least then i wouldn’t have false hope.
today i heard my mom and sister talking and laughing about me. i want to cut again.
i wish she would tell me she loves me

2008-12-15T15:28:00.000-08:00

i got my first picture secret!

here are this week's secrets. thank you all again for sharing.

i clicked on your page to tell you a secret but i got too distracted by all of the pictures on your page. hope you have a good weekend
“we’re one mistake from being together but let’s not ask why it’s not right you won’t be 17 forever and we can get away with this tonight.” this song fits my situation.
when my mother asked if the fact that he molested me was the reason i cut, i lied. he ruined my life. thanks for believing me, though, mom.
i wish my parents would have taken a stronger stand with me in high school. they knew i had depression and eating problems and would express their worry and tell me i should get help but didn’t act on this.
i had sex with my best friend’s mom. she was my first.
i wish i could tell you how i felt and you’d feel the same. i wish you could be here for me. i wish you could be someone you’re not.
i’m so lazy and tired that i barely even shower anymore and my friends have no clue.
say the word and i’ll quit my job and move to boston for you. the only changes i want to make are so i will fit the mold of some perfect arm-candy for you.
everyday i get closer to killing myself. the feeling of hopelessness is just too much for me.
my dad has only a year to live but i wish he would die today.
i saw your secret. you’re so selfish for thinking that way. i’ve gotten over my suicide fantasies because of him. don’t ruin it for me.
i’m a straight girl but i watch lesbian porn because i hate the way women are portrayed in hetero porn.
each day, the eating disorder my mother thinks i’m over gets worse. my doctor told me to return in a month to see if i had improved. that was over a year ago. i’m always sick and i miss school with pathetic excuses and my depression is beginning to show through. i’m so scared.
i’m too intrigued by her boyfriend.
i’m in total love with my best friend but i can’t tell her. it’s just too hard.
i really like him and i know he likes me but we can’t bring ourselves to say it to each other and i fear it won’t go any farther than this.
i think about my daddy and uncle when i masturbate.
i smile real big and pretend to be happy when i’m at work dealing with customers. really, i just want to crawl under a rack of clothes and cry.
every secret about someone missing someone else gives me hope that he might miss me too but is too afraid to tell me like i am too afraid to tell him.
seeing everyone posting their numbers makes me want to cry. i wish i could be friends with everyone.
sometimes i wish i never met you. but other times i think of how you’re probably the only person in my life that i would jump on front of a bullet for.
after fasting for 29 hours i lost 3.5 pounds. i plan to do it again this week. i’ve cut myself over 300 times and i don’t want to stop.
i still love him.
i love the song “mmmbop” by hanson!
whenever i see my best friend’s innocent smile i remember how everyone can be easily hurt no matter how hard they act and how much it hurts to fall in love.
i want a fresh start but i can’t let him go unless i have someone to take his place. losing his 200 texts a day scares me to death.
i would give anything for him to talk to me right now. more than that, i just want to see him and hug him. to me that would cure this weak feeling inside of me.
at this moment in my life i have never felt so powerless, vulnerable, and weak. i feel like i’m disappointing everybody. i want to tell someone how lonely i am.
i will never be good enough.
i worry i’m incapable of love. every relationship that starts as love quickly devolves into lust. do i use his emotions to get his body?
i’ve lost almost all trust in you.
after being the scared little victim for years i’m finally angry. i want him to be violated too. i fantasize about his death. this sudden hatred scares me.
i have anxiety depression and constant panic attacks and i can hardly stand the thought of eating anymore and i just want one person to reach out and stay.
every time i am walking somewhere i still wish he would drive by, realize it’s me, and stop to say hello. i know it will never happen again.
i hate when people call me a whore or crazy because i’m afraid that it’s true.
i’m such a cougar and it’s thrilling!
i’ve been with my boyfriend for over two years. he scares me but i’m even more terrified of what will happen if i leave.
i hate how everyone feels that receiving love is so necessary when loving others is so much more important.
more than the guy who got me into drugs, i hate my high school friends who weren’t there for me at my downfall.
i started cutting again.
i tell my friends that i would never be the other girl but i really love it because it makes me feel pretty knowing that even though they have a girlfriend they still want me and are willing to mess up a relationship for it. i know it’s bad but that makes it more fun.
i’m terrified people will think i’m a slut because my best friends are boys. i’m also scared people will think i am in love with my best friend, and some think he loves me, but i just want to be his friend forever.
i want to tell them all it will be okay. i made small goals to get through each day and before i knew it a year had passed and my problems weren’t so bad. i finally felt like i could handle them.
i want to have sex with all of my brother’s friends.
i wish i could stop talking to everyone and just keep to myself. i don’t because of him. he’s the only one who’s made me feel worth it and been there for me.
i can feel myself changing into a different type of person and i am really excited.
tonight, everyone from work is going to a christmas event downtown; everyone and their significant others. i feel so left out. when will it be my turn?
i feel lonely.
you’re the biggest shithead i know but i’ll try not to give up on you.
i think i may be pregnant and i’m only a teen but i have a positive outlook about it.
i try so hard to be everyone’s “go to” when they need anything. that’s all i ever wanted, to be there for everyone, but i feel i don’t do a good enough job.
i let my dog lick me down there!
i’ve known him for a week and he has changed my life. i’m so happy i found him and i don’t care what anyone thinks.
i still blame myself for you losing your baby. if i hadn’t said it might be better without him he would be here in your arms now.
i’m bi and i wanted to tell my friend (who is also bi) all weekend long but i wasn’t sure if i was ready to tell anyone. i still want to tell her but i can’t.
i’m sick of being 2nd best.
i can’t tell my dad i’m gay because i feel like i’m letting him down. how can i tell him he won’t be walking his daughter down the aisle?
he broke my heart then told me he loved me and needed me back. i gave in because i don’t have enough respect for myself to think i might find someone else that loves me.
i settle for less because if i have more i will forever be afraid someone will steal it from me.
i fell in love with you when you took me to get a christmas tree with your family. i finally felt like i belonged somewhere.
i hate that my brother is home for the holidays. he ruined my life. he doesn’t deserve to be home. i don’t care if he’s paying for my therapy.
overly religious people annoy me more than i can express. i can't decide if it's because i hate their enthusiasm and certainty about something that can't be proven, or if it's because i envy it.
i hate my best friend of 12 years because she is fucking my supposedly "gay" other best friend....
i don’t know why i’m taking the pills. i don’t think i want to be better. i honestly want to feed an addiction, create something beautiful, and go out with a bang
the fact that i have no gag reflex is eating me up right now.
i wish you were waiting for me at home with lots of hugs and kisses.
i feel like it’s my job to fix the world’s problems.
i’m terrified that i’m falling for this guy and he doesn’t feel the same way. i’m paranoid that i’m rushing into this and am going to get pushed away.
i want to kill myself but i’m afraid i’ll fail at that also.
i’ll do anything to stop feeling like i’m losing you to everyone around me. i miss you more than you could possibly comprehend even though you’re right next to me.
my best friend lost her virginity to a one night stand. i told her i wasn’t disappointed and that i didn’t think any less of her. i lied.
when he said he felt weird about us, in my mind all i could do was agree. i hope it works out.
i hope you're not gay and i wish i had never seen those pictures on your computer.
i laugh and roll my eyes at the fickleness of men but deep down it hurts that i was replaced so quickly.

2008-12-08T22:12:00.000-08:00

i'm sorry this is a bit late. i know for some readers this is being posted after midnight on the 9th. computer problems and all. i try. i really do.

i did have something all typed up to put in this space. stuff about trust and honesty but i'm not using my regular computer so i don't have that file with me. i will post it next week.

i was very pleased with the thanksgiving challenge last week so i think i will start incorporating that into a regular feature. it most likely won't be weekly. probably once a month will be all i can do to come up with good challenges that a good number of folks will be interested in responding to. i want to try to keep them topical and seasonal also. this is a bit of a challenge for myself so you all will just have to stay tuned to see how i do.

thank you again for trusting me with your secrets. keep telling folks about the project please. tell them about postsecret and textsecret. encourage them to participate and subscribe. and please, if you are thinking of hurting yourself or are hurting yourself currently, ask for help and get treatment. so much help is available you just need to ask.

have a safe week...

here are this week's secrets...

after years of letting acne destroy my life accutane saved me. i don't care about the risks and side effects. it was sooo worth it. i finally feel beautiful.
i go through my ex's comments and top friends and automatically hate every girl on there, no matter who they are, out of mad jealousy.
i'm angry at myself for really falling for him and being stupid enough to still love him after he left me.
i wish the texts about being in love with a best friend were about me.
i think about him 24/7 and sometimes i think he loves me too…
i wish you would tell me what is under your bed...
i despise someone i've never met and i hope he's miserable every single day.
i wish i was disciplined enough to have an eating disorder so i can finally be thin enough to love myself.
i'm 18, i might be pregnant, and even though i am young, i will take the best damn care of this kid as i possibly can.
i tried not to fall so hard this time, but i did. he made it easy to want to love him. he broke my heart, and even though i still love him,
i will never forgive him.
i moved to oregon to live with my mom and dad and run away from a broken heart. the pain in georgia is still with me here. now i just want to kill myself so i don't have to cry every night.
i tried to kill myself. i'm 13. i'm truly broken that it didn't work, but i would never try again, because i'm scared of what my mother would think. she scares me so much.
i hate my best friend's boyfriend because now she would rather be with him. i liked it better when they were broken up during the summer.
i hope we don't qualify to rent the house so that i won't have to see my sister cry because she'll miss me i think i'll miss her most.
i think i'm starting to fall in love with an older boy. he makes me feel so special and loved. i'm more excited about the possibilities with him than anything.
sometimes i wonder if she thinks about me the same way i think about her. hopefully i'll have the guts to do what i've been dying to do for so long.
i'm lost and alone.
i think i have a hair fetish.
i've been a prima ballerina for 16 years and never felt pressured to lose weight. i have a huge show in two weeks. i will starve myself until then.
everyday i fight my desires in order to remain sane just because my fantasies are considered deviant.
to the 29 year old afraid of the dark: i'm 33 and push my dresser in front of my bedroom door every night because the dark outside of my room terrifies me so much.
i had a miscarriage last summer but i didn't even tell anyone i was pregnant because i wasn't sure who the daddy was.
i'm waiting until the final minute to do all of my final projects for this semester. i've never felt such a rush.
i'm in love with two people but engaged to only one.
kiss me like you mean it!
i like textsecret best because my secrets get posted unlike postsecret where i'm never good enough.
i have terrifying dreams of murderers and stalkers that turn into waking nightmares when i wake up but can't move at all and am still dreaming.
i pretend to be happy so i don't make my friends feel bad. i see them happy and it makes me feel even worse. i'm afraid i'll always be this lonely.
it's ok if he doesn't love me but if i tell him then i'll know for certain and i'll know he's too good for me; just like his friends tell him.
i got high with my dad and not even my best friend knows.
she makes me want to hurt her or, even more so, myself. i've thought about suicide just so i won't have to listen.
i still love you x. i'm not over this and i'm afraid i never will be.
i cry every time i take a pregnancy test and it comes back negative. it makes me feel like a failure as a woman.
you never gave me closure and i need it so bad….
while i was winning races and getting a's in school he was slipping through the cracks and needed help but no one noticed. last night he got arrested.
on my sweet16 i was 86 pounds and one of the unhappiest people i knew. by my 17th i hope to have lost 10 more pounds.
one day im gonna stand up and punch that kid who teases the quiet girls in study hall in the face.
i'm terrified to delete the pictures off of my phone and computer in case the people in them die and i'll never see them again.
my dad died two weeks before my 18th birthday. 2 days before he die i told him i hated him. it was the only time i had ever told him that. i blame myself. i'm sorry.
my morbidity frightens me.
i love my bf so much i want us to have a future together. get married, have kids, and everything. i'm only sixteen though.
i think I'm in love with him (and it terrifies me).
i'm sweaty, been up for 18 hours, and starving. i had my first dance recital tonight and the way my bf looked at me when i was up there made me feel beautiful again.
i stay up all night hoping to hear the words, "you're beautiful" from anyone. i have extremely low self-esteem.
i don't cut because i'm sad, i cut because it pleasures me. the best place to cut is the hip bone. two slices a night seems a fair reward for each day i endure.
i only stand for the pledge of allegiance because of my airman. he defends my freedom and i stand to honor him.
when ppl ask why we aren't dating i just laugh and say because we're bffs. really i want to scream, "i don't know! i fucking love him!" and i really hope he loves me the same.
i peed the bed once and blamed the dog.
"did my heart love until now? forswear it for i never saw true beauty till this night" is how i felt the first time i saw him and that hasn't changed even after 6 months.
i keep looking for love in all of the wrong places. the only reason i keep looking is because when i was in love was the only time i've ever been happy.
even though it's been seven months, i still think about you every single day.
i don't open up well and i'm afraid it will ruin my relationship someday. i'm only open and honest when i text strangers.
i'm sick of being ditched because her mom likes those friends better.
i'm scared for my friend, that he will hurt himself and i won't be able to help. he's pushed me away and i don't know where he is.
i love you but because you're a boy and i'm a girl ppl think it's a romantic love. you're a great friend who makes me feel useful and i'm happy to be here to save you.
my exbf says he loves his new gf all the while keeping a huge secret from her; me.
i'm falling in love again and i thought i never would. it might be because he reminds me of my first love. i hope he stays with me.
i just tricked my best friend into telling me her darkest secrets.
i don't trust anyone.
i am 20 and have never been kissed or done anything with a guy because i'm always told my friend is hot instead of me. i'm afraid i never will.
i heard the old conway twitty song "it's only make believe" and realized it is exactly us, or me, and i don't know what to do about it.
what scared me most when i was waking was when i realized i would never be able to take my life. now i have nothing to get me through the days.
if i were removed from the equation the world would be a better place.
i miss her so much and wish we could rewind and do it all again. i want to tell her but i'm afraid she doesn't want me anymore.
you told me how you feel but you haven't proven it. until you can make me feel special again i won't believe you.
i've had sex with my sister's ex twice now. it would kill her if she knew. i'm not attracted to him, i just need a warm body next to me sometimes.
i love her more than life itself but i sometimes get scared that i'm not really gay.
i feel like a horrible person for thinking my friend is annoying when she goes on about what happened to her.
i pray everyday that i'll get into a fatal accident because i don't have the balls to off myself.
my ex asked if i had sent nude pics of myself to a friend and i lied and said no. i didn't want him to know and think i'm a slut because i still love him and want him back.
you were right. i am giving up on you.
i've never tried to kill myself and i'm not in love with anyone. i feel very alone reading this blog.
i must clean. dust is the devil's snow.
i love my bf but i seek attention from random guys because i'm so insecure. i wish i could change.
i still get giddy when he calls even if i'm mad at him. i just can't help it.
my mind is so capable of dark and twisted thought it scares me.

textsecret

2008-12-01T01:24:00.000-08:00

so i put out a challenge to anyone sending me a secret over the past week: send me a text telling me what you are thankful for. i was very happy with the response i got. i expected (and got) many exclaiming gratitude for family, friends, and lovers. i was hoping for (and also got many) people thinking a bit more frivolously and fancifully. i enjoyed all of them and am grateful for both having them shared with me and being able to share them again here. reading all of the gratitude and thanks helped me through what has become a difficult weekend for me.

i've retreated from family and friends over the past several years, to the point where i would eat at family functions but then go nap directly after, often claiming headache or nausea or both. i was scared and anxious being around all of those people. they were not my real family but a family i wanted to be a part of more than my own. still i avoided them and hid in a bedroom until most were gone. i felt claustrophobic with everyone packed in and eating, laughing, telling stories, and having a good time. i didn't know what to do with myself or how to behave. i had forgotten how to act in social situations. i didn't go at all this year. i had dinner with my roommates, then hid in my room alone, working on a birthday and christmas present for a friend.

i've been gradually getting quieter and more withdrawn as the year closes out. the holidays are difficult times for many and i am no exception. the gratitude secrets helped though and i tried to keep reminding myself there was plenty in my life to be thankful for. i have one hidden in there too. i didn't want to be left out.

there is, of course, the normal offering of secrets also. at first, i was surprised by how many came in. then, i realized everyone was home with relatives and remembering all of the secrets they were hiding by smiling their way through all of the family functions i was just avoiding. so the secrets continued to pour in like the ocean of gravy i put over my mashed potatoes and stuffing.

i mentioned last week that i've been lightly editing the texts, here and there. this week though, there is one secret that i posted exactly as i received it. there was something when reading it that struck me and i thought it would be important to leave it that way.

thank you all again for sharing....

thanksgiving...

i am most grateful for the love i have in my heart. i can always relate to what others are feeling and someday i’d love to share that feeling with someone else.
i’m thankful for my beautiful friends who save my life everyday.
i’m thankful to be so close to my brother & sister. i don’t know what i would do without them.
i'm grateful for the simpsons.
i'm thankful for the color of her eyes.
i'm thankful i didn't get sent to iraq.
i’m honestly most grateful for snow. it’s peaceful and the most beautiful thing i have ever seen. i love it.
i’m thankful for frank for creating/doing postsecret, and for you, for doing this. thank you. you have a wonderful soul.
i'm grateful i got to see the dead 33 times before jerry died.
i am more thankful for my family than anything else in my life. my husband and kids saved my life and not a day goes by that i forget that.
i am so thankful for my son. he’s the best thing i’ve ever done. he’s my only reason to live. i love him so much i think my heart will burst.
i'm thankful i found my birth-mother but so grateful for my parents.
i am most grateful for him. i have never loved anyone more in my life.
i’m grateful for my boyfriend for him being a positive influence in my life and keeping me away from the blade.
i’m thankful that i’m turning into my mother, she’s a beautiful and amazing person.
i’m most thankful for my friends because they love me more than any boy could ever dream of loving me. i hope i never lose them.
i'm thankful for all of my students.
i’m grateful i didn’t get knocked up like both of my sisters.
i am most grateful for my kids. they are my sunshine and my reason for living. i love everything about them.
i am grateful that i’m not healing from anything recent. i’m grateful that my traumas are behind me now.
i am grateful for a husband that truly loves me no matter how fucked up i am.
thanks given for thrift stores.
i'm most thankful for my faith. that i have not yet been jaded by life, and still have the ability to believe... in god, in other people and in the hope of a happy ending.
i’m grateful for my strength. it held me up when i thought i would crumble.
i’m thankful that i know who my real friends are now.
i'm thankful for snowdays.
i'm grateful for dandilion wishes.
i'm thankful for freckles.
i am grateful for the fact that i am the only one of my friends who is a virgin.
i am most grateful for my boyfriend. he’s shown me how to love without fear, and to see value in myself. i love him and i don’t know what i’d do without him.
i’m most grateful for my sons, 3 grandsons, 1 granddaughter, and daughter-in-law.
i’m thankful to be loved. without love i wouldn’t be the person i am today.
i’m thankful that my boyfriend loved me enough to completely change his life. he’s the greatest friend i’ve ever had.
i'm thankful my dog wouldn't stop barking when i tried to od and alerted the neighbors to call 911.
i’m grateful for every second before his deployment.
i am grateful that my parents can still laugh together.
i am grateful that i have found the man that i want to spend the rest of my life with. my friends tease us because we are silly and awkward together but that’s why i love him.
i’m grateful that my ex-boyfriend’s girlfriend hasn’t found out what we’ve been doing. if she did she would dump him. i love him so much i’d hate to see him sad.
i am thankful that i am surrounded by friends and family who aren’t afraid to tell me they love me and miss me.
i’m most grateful for my grandmother. she has cancer and is hospitalized but i think she’s holding on for me.
i feel so blessed to have the majority of my memories revolve around my mom.
i’m grateful that i met him.
he really does love me. i call him my sunshine.
i’m grateful that the one i love can be open with me as i am to him.
i’m thankful he found me so i can have someone to fret over and care about again.
i’m most grateful for my family, coaches, and church. and jpg i’m so glad you’re a bigger part of my life now.
i’m thankful that i’m independent.
i’m thankful for new friends living in canada

secrets....

i read through all of my boyfriend’s myspace inbox to make sure he wasn’t cheating.
i’m 15 and he’s 20. i’ve never loved anyone more than him but i don’t know how much more stress from this can take before i explode.
i don’t know anymore.
i jacked off my room mate under the blanket while my mom was in the room. i still find it funny.
the only thing i had in common with my real father was coke addiction. i stopped. he didn’t. he doesn’t know that i know.
i’m not a bigot but it scares me to say i think david miscavage is fucking hot and i protest scientology.
my first love and i broke up over a year ago. we’re still good friends. he has a new gf and i’m happy for him but i wish they would break up. i believe we will be together again one day even though it will probably never happen. i still love him.
it’s a good thing my bf didn’t answer my cry for help… i would’ve had a hard time talking on the phone with all of those pills in my mouth.
i wish that when i’m alone i could laugh instead of cry. god, i hate myself.
i fear turning 21 because i tell everyone, jokingly, that i’m going to be an alcoholic. i think i’m starting to believe myself.
i didn’t eat anything today [thanksgiving] and i’m not eating anything tomorrow.
i have been dreaming of robert pattison since he was in harry potter. i think this means we will meet one day and fall in love.
ishldntbesolonely.ishouldntvetakenthepills. ishouldnthavebeenhappierinthenuthouse. ishouldnthaveliedtothetherapist.ishouldnthavelethimdie. iwishiknewhowtotellthem.
he doesn’t love me but i still love him regardless.
every time i go “home” i realize it’s not home anymore and now i know where home is and i can’t wait to get back…
i am smart, strong, independent, and have so much to offer but i feel broken because i only fall for broken men.
i am a grown woman and i still let my dad pay for my gas.
i tell everyone i am a virgin but i lost my virginity to someone i didn’t even know
my family spent a lot of thanksgiving talking about my weight loss. i don’t have the heart to tell them it’s from all the sex i’ve had. it’s the best and most fun workout i know.
i’m really scared he will hurt me too.
my friends tease me by saying that my mom is a milf but she really is and i get hard all the time when i'm around her.
my bf calls other boys sexy and it makes me really jealous even though i flirt with other boys all the time.
my good friend died last friday. i have spent the weekend crying. in twenty minutes i go to her wake and because of everyone at school showing how much they care, i no longer feel like i’m going to collapse. i know this thanksgiving will be hard for her family but we’ll be here to help pick up the pieces.
i tried to kill myself last night but i was too scared he wouldn’t miss me.
i’m scared he is going to leave me like my dad left my mom and then i’ll be old and alone.
no matter how much i say i hate my mom i still love her.
my girlfriends and i sneak into clubs and tease older guys by making out in front of them. we love knowing how much we turn them on!
i’m so embarrassed about the fact i fell in love with a book about vampires but i still can’t wait to see the movie (alone).
all i want for my birthday are sex toys.
i’m in love with my ex boyfriend’s cousin more than i’ve ever loved him.
i still want to leave him but i can’t get up the nerve. plus, our dog keeps me here
i hate love so much because i’m just the best friend.
to the girl who’s given up on being a teacher because she’s a lesbian: my high school had four lesbian teachers and they were all effective and respected educators. who you love will not affect how you teach or your student’s respect for you.
i love my bf more than anything. he saved me from my own demons and i hope one day i can return the same.
i don’t care if he’s two years younger then me and still a minor
i fell in love and never told him. now that he’s with another girl i don’t think i’ll ever get the chance.
i’m in constant battle to keep my friend from suicide. sometimes i think i’m losing.
i love him so fucking much and he will never talk to me again because of what i did to him.
i want to die because i think there are already enough people on the earth that i don’t need to exist.
i was always terrified that i’d start saying “for” in place of the word “so” like my ex did. thank god i never did!
i work at a retirement home and sometimes give "happy endings" to the men i bathe.
to the person with the secret of wanting something bad to happen just for the sympathy: so did i, then my dad died. the sympathy isn’t worth it. be happy with what you have.
i am petrified that there is something wrong with me mentally, but i am too afraid to go to a councilor to find out (i know if i were, my life would fall apart, my family would abandon me and i would lose my son...)
this is my last thanksgiving coming home. i can’t take the fighting anymore.
i want to get out of this god forsaken town. i’ve lived here my whole life. i can’t wait to go to college far away. only a year and a half till i do.
every time i read other people’s secrets i always think that mine aren’t good enough.
i have herpes and i’ve slept w/ppl who didn’t know.
i wish i could tell my wife about the cocaine, heroine, and pills but i know she’d leave me if i did. i can’t believe she hasn’t noticed all the money i’ve been going through. i really do love her. i don’t know why i’m doing this to her.
i think i love her enough to marry her but we’re only 16.
i feel so confident when i’m with a group of about six guys that like me. it’s the most fun i’ve had in a long time.
i give hand jobs to strangers on the bus or subway.
i’ve forgotten how to whistle and blow up a balloon and i’m only 17
i am in love for the first time and i am terrified to tell him.
i’m so scared i feel more than he does and he’ll go running back to her.
in the past few months i’ve watched everyone become happy but me. sometimes i wonder if this is god’s way of punishing me for not believing.
i text you 3 or 4 secrets every week but they are all lies because i don’t have any secrets of my own worth sending.
i don’t want to be the promised child, i just want to be me.
sometimes i think i’m insane. i hate myself, i love myself. i can’t tell my parents i’m bi-sexual.
to me everything was more than a hookup. i know i am in love with you nothing can tell me otherwise.
i’m scared i’ll never make it out of this town after graduation.
i put my number on postsecret’s blog. sum1 who started texting me fell in love with me.
even though i tell everyone that i quit cutting two years ago i still do. all the while i put on a mask and pretend everything is okay. i hope they don’t find out.
although you made it very clear that you immensely enjoyed the blowjob i gave you the other day, it was more amazing for me than it was for you... i live to make you happy.
i don’t wear panties to school so i can let my favorite teachers look up my skirts.
it's easier for me to tell my secret to a guy, than a girl, and i have no idea why.

textsecret

2008-11-24T12:10:00.000-08:00

as thanksgiving is this week (in the u.s. at least) i want to try an experiment. a challenge, if you will. i want to introduce a theme. send me a text with the one thing you are most grateful for. tell your friends to do the same! when dealing with secrets, we spend much of our time mired in negativity, anger, hatred, doubt, and regret. i want everyone to send me a text telling me about what you are most grateful for. it’s an exercise in gratitude and positive thinking (i need it as much as anyone…), then come back next week to see how the experiment worked!

some random thoughts for this week’s blog:

there are much worse things that could happen in life than ending up like your parents. i understand though, as a child and a parent. and as a parent, let me say, that my worst fear for my son is that he’ll end up like me.
we are a collection of families, towns, cities, states, and nations of secrets. the entire world is a community of secret keepers. what would happen if we had no more secrets to keep?
be careful what you wish for!
anyone who smokes should be required to spend at least one day each month cleaning up cigarette butts off of sidewalks.
therapists are not all the same and going to one therapist will not yield the same results if you go see another. sometimes the chemistry is off. don’t give up on therapy just because you’ve had one bad experience; or two, or five or ten. finding the right therapist is like finding the right pair of shoes; you have to find the proper fit, otherwise you’ll get blisters and want to quit walking. don’t quit walking!
secrets stem from fears and fears lead to anger and anger leads to suffering. but the only person that will suffer is the secret keeper because no one else knows what is going on.
honestly accepting yourself and who you are is vital to happiness.
hell is not a destination we could end up at after death. hell is one of the many emotional states we can experience in our everyday lives, along with love, enlightenment, and anger.
i sometimes edit the secrets i get for content and length. i try to get to the core of the secret being told and leave some of the stories behind. i hope that is ok. i think it makes the secrets a bit more accessible.

as always, thank you for sharing your secrets with me. here are the secrets for this week:

i’m in love with a married man. his wife thinks i’m her best friend.
if he doesn’t visit me tonight i am going to pursue the other boy.
he told me he had a crush on my best friend. he doesn’t know how much that hurt. i still love him.
i’m scared to death i’ll end up alone. everyone says i’m too good for you, but the thing is, i don’t believe i am good enough for anyone.
i used to be a professional escort (high class prostitute). i loved it and if i wasn’t married i’d still be doing it.
i wish i could stop fooling myself and admit that i have no real reason to stay. what i can’t figure out is why i’m still here.
sept. 1, 2006 i had a baby. i am pro-choice but have personal issues with abortion. i gave him up or adoption. i told one person. no one noticed.
i wish something bad would happen to me so i wouldn’t have to try to get sympathy and so my life sounded more exciting. i’m too happy. i need something to vent about.
i wish i had died when he did.
i’m 24 with a great husband, great job, great friends, and a great life and i still run off and cry if i’m the ugliest girl in the room.
he’s 10 years older than me, just got out of prison, and isn’t even supposed to be in this state. but he worships the ground i walk on. he loves me and i love him.
i truly believe he won’t commit because he’s intimidated that my best friend is a boy.
i wish i was weak enough to come to class crying.
i need a lifeline from her, anything at all, but she even changed the password for the bog that she doesn’t even use.
that fight we all had made me closer to the two of you. i will never stop loving you guys.
i pisses me off when people i hate like the same obscure music i do. i feel like they’re trying to rub it in like they know a secret of mine.
i lost my virginity last month. i found out this weekend i got a std. i believe it when he says he didn’t know. but i hate that i was perfect until 21 and now i feel tainted and dirty.
i have feelings for people until they fall for me. then i run, terrified, with my tail between my legs.
sometimes i’m afraid that i’m only sad because it’s trendy. then i make a list of everything wrong in my life and i remember why i cry almost every night.
i’m scared that i’ll let myself down.
my best friend doesn’t hang out with me anymore because i don’t do drugs. the only time we hang out is if we’re drinking or she’s on some substance.
i’ve been through too much to honestly be able to say that i no longer know “right” from “wrong”.
i found out in may that the best and worst feeling in the world is kissing the person who broke your heart.
i’ve been living in nyc for 3 years. i’ve never fallen for someone more then all the times i took for granted in my hometown. i want it back.
my ex-bf’s gf’s mom poisoned her last week and he came 2 me 4 help. i want her better but i don’t want them together. i still love him even after all the hurt.
i’m a guy and porn makes me feel inadequate. doesn’t mean i can’t stop watching.
even if he doesn’t tell me he loves me he still makes me the happiest girl alive.
i hook up with so many people, even people who my friends like, because it makes me feel less ugly.
i don’t think i will ever be happy again.
to the person who felt bad for pigeons last week: i love pigeons and i’m sure someone loves you too.
i think i hate one of my best friends.
i honestly think i’m keeping them together and i think my siblings do too. i hope she leaves.
i’d be happy to stay in my house the rest of my life if it meant i’d be with him.
every time i look at my dress i think about the woman i should be marrying not the one that i am marrying.
i think i’m in love with x but he’s with her. they have a baby. i know he and i could be amazing together.
i cut not because of depression but because i’m afraid i’m slowly losing my ability to feel anything.
i pray for her everyday just in case there is a god that would listen and offer her some kind of divine intervention. it’d be horrible for an eating disorder and depression to take such a sweet person.
when i lie in bed next to her i can’t decide if i want to be her wife or kill myself. she doesn’t make me happy but i love her to much to leave.
i only feel strong and brave when i help other people through their own problems.
even after everything i still love him.
i can’t stop thinking about him.
i want to ride my bike into oncoming traffic.
i got myself pregnant on purpose and he forced me to get an abortion. i hate myself for being manipulated and it’s the hardest thing 2 live with and i can’t tell anyone.
i have no idea who i am and in an attempt to figure it out i seem to have become someone i hate. it scares me.
i’m not lesbian or bi but i think women are way sexier than man. naked women turn me on.
my husband pays for the sins of my ex.
i am 29 and terrified of the dark. i’m too embarrassed to let my partners sleep over at night in case they want me to turn off the lights.
if i had known my in-laws back then like i do now i never would have married my husband even though he is great.
i kick myself for not having sex with you…. i could have been a married stay at home mom now like her instead of a single mom. it saddens me deeply.
i am afraid i will always be number 2 in my boyfriend’s life and never be able to share number 1 with his son.
i am so in love with him and so miserable because of it.
i contemplate taking my entire bottle of sleeping pills in one dose. i don’t do it because i fight with myself everyday about when, where, and what the note would say.
i wish he would finally realize that he belongs with me.
i guess i’d be considered a prude but i’d lose my virginity to tom delonge any day.
i don’t know how to get over him and i don’t know if i want 2.
i just found out that my ex is divorced from the guy she cheated on me with and she and her crazy ass mom and her kids have been in and out of battered womens shelters because of the guy she’s w/ now. i couldn’t be happier about it. karma’s a bitch!
my best friend is the reason i feel so terrible about myself yet i still am so loyal to her. god, i wonder if she even cares about me.
i’m not joking when i say i’m going to end up alone and every time i say it i want someone to honestly tell me that i won’t but they still laugh at me.
why can’t you just choose me? don’t you realize how amazing it could be? stop picking all the girls who hurt you! i don’t know if i can keep waiting.
when he told me that i was ‘little girl and kitten’ cute it completely shattered the little self-confidence that i had. now i feel ugly all the time.
i lie so much that i barely know what my true feelings are about anything. it drives me insane.
to the person who has been wanting to kill his/herself since they were seven: don’t worry, i have been too. i can’t wait to make everyone realize i’m not lying about my need to be away from here.
it’s not that i hate being alive so much as i’m just tired of living.
i feel so disgusting when i masturbate because i’m huge.
my now husband cheated on me when we were in high school over thee years ago. i now have a 2 month old with him and i don’t trust him. not sure if i love him.
i’m tired of my happiness being a familiarity kind of content. i want to be happy. not just content.
some days i love him and other days i hate him. i wish he would stop loving me so i didn’t have to decide. i will spend the rest of my life with him because i will never be strong enough to break such a wonderful person.
i want my boyfriend’s mom to go to jail or get her kids taken away. she doesn’t deserve them.
my p.e. coach taught me how to catch more than just footballs.
i can never forgive my father for leaving me alone on christmas last year. it was the first christmas since my mother passed and he left me by myself!
i’ve never had a relationship because i know that i’ll be crushed. i’m not good enough.
i am in love with my best friend.
i secretly wish my boyfriend would beat me. i want him to make me miserable because that is the only way i know how to be happy.
every time i get into a car i hope it crashes along the way.
my boyfriend is moving across the country tomorrow. everyone thinks i’m so sad but mostly i’m just relieved.
i’m so scared i’ll never feel alive again.
i got pregnant to keep him around but it didn’t work. i’m now raising a special needs toddler by myself and i realized that i don’t need him.
sometimes i blow my nose and later wipe myself with the same tissue after using the bathroom.
i’m just another textsecreter who is in love with their best friend.
i wish i wasn’t such a whore before i met him so he could be the first one to touch me. i feel impure.
i’m so much fucking more than meets the eye. no one gives enough of a shit to look past my beauty.
i love my vibrators and benwa balls more than anyone could imagine. my toy box is full of colorful toys.
i know that my mother loves my sister more than me.
even though they dislike me i hope they both get into the school of their dreams.
i create all of my problems, eliminate people i love, and now i’m completely drowning in them all alone.
i think i’m in love with my karate instructor’s son.
i pretend to have ocd so then people don’t suspect that i take anti-depressants because i’m depressed.
i don’t know how to tell people how i really feel. it’s in my head but the words don’t come out. it makes me feel very small.
i don’t want to lose my virginity to angry rebound sex. i still think about telling you this but i don’t want to further complicate the matter.
my pastor’s wife is dying from cancer. i honestly believe god can heal her but if that’s not part of his plans i’d take all of her pain away in a second.
i gave my twin his first bj and he was the first to eat me out. now i'm jealous of his gf cuz i want more.
i’m a girl and i date girls just because i’ve been hurt so bad by guys i can’t trust them but still just want to be cared about.
i feel invisible through to my soul.
i fell in love with my best friend from high school the summer before we left for college. we went to an all girls school – how cliché. the realization of my sexuality has freed me. i stopped cutting, quit smoking, and above all i felt alive invigorated and awakened to a whole new depth of love that i have in my heart that i never knew before. 3 weeks ago she told me that she couldn’t “do this” anymore. and that she’d been sleeping with a frat brother at her school since last spring. in one terrible moment, my body and my heart went numb. i haven’t been able to feel a thing since.
i refuse to learn how to text and it annoys all of my friends but mostly my wife. i had someone else send this for me…
every time i babysit i pretend that he is mine. but then i’m afraid i’ll be a psychotic nanny like that character from one tree hill.
i teach ap classes and give better grades to the girls that flirt with me.
i laugh about them with my friends but i’m secretly flattered when random pervs message me on myspace.
i want to close my eyes and not open them until i feel you on top of me.
you are slowly destroying my life. i hate that i’m letting you. i can do better but i still can’t cut the cord because i feel like i need to save you and i’m pretty sure i’m in love with you.
i’m so tired of listening to my bff lie when i know the truth. part of me just wants to stop talking to him but the rest of me loves him too much.
i know u think i forgave u but i hate you for what uve made me become. u turned me into an insecure, trustless wreck.
my relationship with her is highly unorthodox and is the best i’ve ever had.
my estranged aunt told my family that my cousin died in a car accident over a year ago but said she would call the cops if we went to the funeral. there’s a facebook group in her memory but i still believe with all my heart she’s alive.
i supported your oxy habit because i liked your personality better when you’re on it. it’s unbearable to watch you withdraw but you have sucked my money dry and now i have to let you suffer. the scary part is now i’m addicted too and i don’t know how to help either of us.
i’m in love with someone who will never love me back. he doesn’t know how i feel about him but makes a point that we’re just friends.
when you said that you could always read what i was thinking from my face you put the first crack in my carefully calculated façade. it scared me.
i’m pretty sure that i am bi.
i’m a lesbian and I’m afraid that i won’t be allowed to be a successful teacher so i’m changing majors.
i don’t think i could ever tell my mom that my biggest fear in this world is ending up like her. it’s happening.
even though i’m in a great relationship i love making up online aliases and masturbating with strangers. sometimes i’m on webcam too!
i love him still after he cheated on me with my best friend and got her pregnant. everyday i wonder about what could’ve been if i hadn’t miscarried and told him i was pregnant.
just because i like to smile and laugh ppl think i’m dumb. i’m actually in the top 15% in my class, all honors, and it pisses me off when they say that.
the first time someone told me they loved me i was talking to someone online. i’m scared to let myself have feelings for them cuz i know i will be judged.
i read other people’s secrets and it makes me feel a little better that i’m not the only person who feels like this.
i receive texts everyday, telling me the secrets of strangers but i hold on to mine as if my life depended on it. i truly think i would cease to exist if i let go of my secrets.

textsecret

2008-11-17T10:31:00.000-08:00

a few weeks ago, halloween passed by and i found myself explaining to new acquaintances why i don’t get excited about the prospect of a good masquerade or why i don’t like to at least dress up to hand out candy to all the kiddies. every time i find myself explaining something that i’ve had to explain time and again i also find that i reassess my explanations and question the honesty and integrity of it. i’m desperately trying to find the real me and desperately trying to live an honest life of integrity. it’s not enough to tell people i just don’t like it. it’s not enough to explain that my father never took my sister and i out for tricks and treats. it’s not enough to explain that my japanese mother never understood what was going on. not when i am explaining and justifying my ideas and actions to myself.

i recently started watching the latest additions to the doctor who catalog. the new series has been on in england for three years now and has been a huge hit for the bbc, critically and popularly. it is carrying on a nearly 40 year tradition of the doctor who character and universe.

i’ve always been a fan of science fiction. i am a child of the star wars generation after all. my sister has always been a fan of star trek and since i simply liked watching tv i watched kirk, spock, and sulu with her. over time i’ve come to learn that many of the shows i enjoyed would be considered sci-fi. the twilight zone, logan’s run, amazing stories, battlestar gallactica, the x-files…. i’ve never identified as a fan of sci-fi but now i realize that i am.

one of the great things about sci-fi is its ability to use allegory and metaphor to explore stories relevant to current social and political topics. like any other genre, when sci-fi is done well, good writing and good acting, many interpretations and conclusions can be reached. the new doctor who is currently a singular example of both consistently good writing, and acting.

during one of the episodes, the doctor and his companion are on a satellite orbiting the earth that is beaming 24hours of news to the residents down below. people are going missing and no one is questioning it until the good doctor shows up.\

he soon discovers that there is an enormous amount of energy being used to cool the top level of the station. he explains to his companion that the only reason anyone ever needs that amount of energy is to hide something. they go on to discover an alien controlling the station and foil the plot to brainwash humanity to turn them into slaves.

the standard explanation i give for my distaste of all that is halloween is that i just don’t understand the excitement adults get out of putting on costumes and masquerading around all night acting in all manners of which they would not normally dare. i find it ironic that people put so much time, money, and energy into this one night every year when, if we are honest with ourselves, we all wear numerous masks everyday to fit with whatever situation we find ourselves in. we pretend to be doctors and lawyers, teachers and students, debt collectors and retail sales people. in even closer detail, within those categories we find ourselves working in from day to day, we will wear different masks to fit the numerous situations we encounter.

as i thought about this explanation and my other reasons for not getting into halloween this year, i realized it was disingenuous at best and not entirely honest to say that “i just don’t get into it”. it is true that a certain amount of my disinterest in halloween has to do with disinterest and confusion handed down from my parents and so not being indoctrinated at an early age does have something to do with how i feel now.

mostly though, i think my disinterest comes from the fact that i expend so much energy every second of every minute of every hour of every day hiding my secrets and my true self from the rest of the world. i am convinced that i would be rounded up by an angry, torch-bearing mob if i came out from under my layers of masks and showed the world what i’ve been hiding underneath. i am exhausted from it. i am drained. i’ve looked for alternative fuel sources, coffee, soda, and medications, but i am near depleted each night when i get home.

i haven’t had a good night sleep in over two years. i’m restless, tossing and turning, i wake up two or three times a night, and nearly always wake up around 5:30am and just stay awake. it doesn’t matter what time i go to bed i still wake up. i’m just tired and people will say that to me everyday. i look tired. it’s obvious. i think i’ve probably aged 15 years in the last five. at this rate, i should be retiring within another five years and dead within ten.

i don’t mean to be a killjoy. i don’t want to rain on anyone else’s parade or holiday. i’m just trying to explain why halloween isn’t a big deal to me. i wear a disguise everyday and it is what people know me as. the real monster is underneath waiting for me to let my guard down…

**********************************

there was a virtual explosion of secrets this week. i suspect that as we get closer to the holidays the volume of secrets will not slow down. i found that i once again had to remind myself that when i get a text using the pronoun "you" it isn't referring to me personally. i get confused sometimes and wonder why i am the target of an angry text or of a text that is incredibly sweet but clearly not meant for me. i always remember though and move on. so here are this week’s secrets, and as always, thank you for sharing with me.

as i watch my loved ones around me find boyfriends and girlfriends i use sex to pretend that it makes me feel the same as being in love… but it’s never the same.
i miss who i used to be. i want to go back to being the girl i was before i met and fell for you. i liked her much more than this new person that looks back at me in the mirror.
i read porn during my classes
i think he still knows i cut myself and that is why he treats me so delicately.
i’m most afraid that i don’t love him anymore but i’m too scared to leave him because i don’t think anyone will ever love me as much as he does.
i don’t feel sorry for all of the people i walk all over. it’s their faults for lying down in front of me.
i have had sex with so many people that i don’t think a normal relationship will ever be possible. my self-worth and ego are ruled by their words. i hate it.
my boyfriend and i live sixty miles apart but what scares me most is that i’m getting used to it.
all i want is his kiss, nothing more.
i want to get back with my wife and she wants me back but i’m scared of what my girlfriend will do if i left her.
i miss my father. every time i see a man at work who is brown and has a heavy accent my inner child cries a bit.
i am engaged. the only woman i have ever loved is my ex. we have been talking in secret for years. she loves me too but is too scared to act. so am i.
i told my parents i am a lesbian in order for them not to suspect i have sex with my boyfriend.
i pretend to be nice to her because i know that’s what she’s doing, but i secretly wouldn’t mind if a rabid dog attacked her.
i love x more than anything and i love being with him, but i let y eat me out when i was mad at x. he deserved it.
all my friends think i lost my virginity when i was 14 and in love. i actually lost it when i was 16, in a back seat, because i wanted to impress the guy i like.
i dropped outta college and am too scared to tell my grandma.
i’m madly in love with my boyfriend but want so badly to have a baby with my ex.
i can see ghosts. i see them everywhere. i know they’re real but the more that people tell me i’m crazy makes me start to think that i am.
[from the 10/20/08 textsecret: my ex-husband is transgender. i wish he would kill himself like he threatens] i too am transgender and i’m so glad i didn’t kill myself like i threatened so many years ago when i was 14. i’m so proud of the man i have become.
i’m afraid i only love the girl who broke my heart because i’m stubborn and because she helped me figure out my sexuality. but now i’m as confused as ever and she’s dating a guy. i’m not sure why i still want her.
the only reason i haven’t off’d myself yet is because i know too many ppl who have… i couldn’t bear to hurt my fiancé like that but i hurt so bad inside.
i didn’t resist when he raped me at my party because i thought they would feel bad for me… my boyfriend acts like it was no big deal, like tripping on your shoelaces.
each day i feel like i’m going to puke because i feel empty. nobody knows though. hiding my feelings has become so easy.
i’m extremely jealous of taylor swift’s hair because my boyfriend loves it. i have straight brown hair. i feel ugly next to taylor swift.
i miss the feeling of being loved, even though the guy who “loved” me cheated on me five times and didn’t feel guilty at all. i still want him.
i hate teenagers who say they’re in love. you’re not really!
i have a boyfriend but i kept my old crush’s jacket because i still want a part of him.
i don’t know if i want her but i do know i still want her around.
my therapist tells me there is no way i have borderline personality disorder. but i think it’s because i lie to her.
i don’t think i’m good enough for anyone.
a lot of people ask how i get my hair so beautiful and perfect and i tell them it’s a combination of different conditioners and shampoos. it’s really just dandruff shampoo.
i’m cheating my way through high school.
i’ve lost all interest in my boyfriend of four years but i don’t want to break up with him because he always buys me expensive gifts.
i hold in too much so now i cry when little things happen like being late and talking about how i feel and the more i try to open up the harder it is for me.
being friends with you has made me realize that i really don’t want to be alone.
sometimes i wonder what it would’ve been like if she had given me a chance. i’m with him now so i’ll never know. she doesn’t talk to me anymore.
i think i am in love with my ex-boyfriend of one year and it kills me more and more every time i see him which is every day. i am also dating another guy.
everyday since finding out i was pregnant i have apologized to my daughter for choosing him as her father. i should’ve kept my legs shut.
i’ve been planning my death since i was seven… sooner or later i will do it.
i am planning on leaving my bf whom i have a child with for my best guy friend who is in japan right now… my marine loves me and i love him.
you are my hero.
i honestly believe i will never be truly happy. i go to the largest college in the country but i am still so. damn. lonely.
i have a crush on my husband’s best friend.
i use the rapes and molestation as an excuse to be a total basket case. i really just don’t want to be normal or regular. i’d rather be fucked in the head with a story to tell than to be another mindless drone rattling off the latest celeb bullshit and what everyone expects from them.
i’m just not really ready to be friends. it hurts.
my girlfriend pushes people away when she really cares about them. so when she says hurtful things to me, i just imagine she’s saying, “i love you” instead.
i force myself to believe next semester will be better… it sucks having 2 or 3 friends when your roommate has what seems to be like a million.
i quit my job an hour ago. it already feels great.
i have a boyfriend but i’m crushing on her.
right now i’m copying from someone’s dissertation to my own paper at another school. it’s a theology paper and i’m terrified i’ll get caught.
you are my best friend but when you kissed him right in front of me i hated both of you so much and i realized i liked him. a lot. you’re a slut. i’m sorry.
when i see pigeons on the street i want to cry because no one loves them and i think they must be as lonely as i am.
i over think and it’s killing me. i feel so bad for everyone that knows me. i even fear that you don’t like me. i need good news. i’m not crazy, just lonely. i love myself i just need a friend. i’m so sorry for all this.
i am afraid of the truth. sometimes the idea of everyone knowing i’m crazy outweighs being well again.
my life is not even close to what i thought it would be at 28. sometimes i feel like i’ll never be good enough.
when i was 16 i took a bottle of aspirin and drank half a vodka bottle. hoping to die in my sleep, i woke up with a slight headache. i still want to die.
i read a novel a day. i will also sometimes read the same novel everyday for a week, and occasionally more. i have a really good ability to put myself in the character’s shoes. i’ve realized it’s easier to hurt and cry over someone else’s pain than to admit and recognize my own.
i’m afraid nobody will ever love me as much as he did. i guess love can’t travel 203 miles.
i secretly wish i was anorexic.
i think obama is going to get assassinated.
the first time i looked at porn i was eight. i stopped three months after. the first time i masturbated i was also eight. i’m sixteen and i just stopped three months ago. i have always felt that because of this i have cheated my future husband out of something.
you gave me my first kiss nine months ago at formal in the back seat of you car. it was sleazy. now, the only pure thing i can give my husband is the simple phrase, “i am in love with you”. i wish it was the kiss.
i pledged to be a virgin till marriage and i really want to wait but everyone says i can’t do it and i’m starting to lose faith myself. i feel like i’m failing myself.
i didn’t fuck with that bitch’s car but i’m glad someone did.
i was molested when i was five. jeffery was my cousin and at my uncle’s funeral, months ago, i collapsed crying because i saw his mom. i hate him. i hate what he did to me, even though he went to jail for what he did. he’s been out for years now and that scares me more than i thought it would 13 years after the fact.
i hate him because i can’t hate you but i’m afraid i do anyway since can’t forgive you.
i can’t stop eating and it’s killing me that because of this i’ll never be good enough.
all i‘ve wanted to do after our one night stand is kiss your one solitary dimple until you fall in love with me. i just know we could be wonderful.
i love my best friend but he treats me like “one of the boys”. everyone thinks he likes me as well but i know he’d never admit it and neither will i. i was in love with someone who ended up being a joke. i constantly think about our fake relationship and i still miss him. real or not he had my heart.
i chose someone else over him. now, i can’t help but be upset that he has moved on. i still love him but i was never good enough.
i used cutting, drugs, drinking, and popping pills to get my ‘rents to realize i’m not happy… i have a “perfect” life and can’t tell them i hate when i see the disappointment in their eyes.
she doesn’t see that i’m only studying to be a pilot cause i thought it would be a quick and good career for us to be able to start our life together quicker and that i want her to have everything she ever wished for and that i’m here at a place i truly hate only so i can be with her.
even though he’s moved on i can’t bring myself to let go.
my exgf left me after 3andahalf years. it’s been 3 years and i still love her more than life but i can’t tell any1 because they think i’m over her.
i told him i was sorry his relationship didn’t work out. i didn’t tell him i am happy he finally got what he deserved.
if you told me to, i would give away my house, pets, friends and family down here to move up there with you. i know you’re tired of going to bed lonely.
i am one hundred percent in love with my best friend but can’t tell him.
i still think about him, i still want him…he is married… while our mutual lust is spoken, we can’t take it any further… we both feel guilty.
i’m more in love with the guy playing hockey 3000 miles away than the one i have been with for three years.
i fucked my best friend’s boyfriend! i secretly loved every second of it.
i love x more than anything i’ve ever known. i’m scared to death of this ending.
the only thing scary about the molestation was how little it affected me.
your biggest fear is that i’ll call your mother and tell her that you can’t be a mother. – love, your daughter.
i feel extremely guilty that i sometimes wish i had cancer just to see who would support me.
i would take back sleeping with both of them if i could because i know it ruined any chance of me being happy.
i think that the sites other than postsecret only post secrets from the people that run them.
i’m about to go back to my hometown to sleep with my best friend who told me he’s loved me for years. my boyfriend of a year is staying home and has no idea
i’m worried i lost the love of my life when he died three years ago.
i honestly don’t think anyone would like enough about me to fall in love with me after he hurt me. i’m so thankful you saw something in me to fall in love with me and make me the happiest person alive.
when i’m with you i think about her…(dead!).
my best friend moved to tx. my two best guy friends joined the marines. my bf is my only friend left. i can’t stand talking to him but i’ll be totally alone w/o him.
i’m pro-choice because i wish my mother had aborted me.
the past month’s events were not my fault but the guilt is weighing me down. my positive disposition is fading. i hope he is ok.
i was just 3 feet away asleep on the other couch when my little brother was molested. he asked me to leave the light on and i didn’t and she molested him.
he still has the key to my heart. i still have the key to his house. it doesn’t seem like an even trade to me but i know neither of us is willing to let go of what we have.
i know you meant it when you said ‘i love you’ but to tell you the truth i didn’t.
last night i hung out with my best friend and realized how much she means to me. today i spent all day looking at how beautiful she really is. i’m so glad i have her.
i pretend to not like myself so that people won’t think that i am stuck up.
i wasn’t really ready to leave the hospital last time.
she’s kinda mine now but he and i are still together in some screwed up way. i don’t know who i want more and it’s killing me.

textsecret

2008-11-10T16:33:00.000-08:00

sorry, i'm not much feeling like commenting today or leaving you with a story. i had actually written something out about halloween and masks and whatnot but it looks as though my computer has destroyed it for some reason. well, here are this week's secrets. thank you all for sharing!

i’m jealous of all of my friends who are in love. i’m wondering when it will be my turn. i secretly think i make myself unlovable to guys i don’t want to love.
this is the third time i‘ve fallen in love with a teacher.
my bro-in-law just recently got fired. i’m secretly happy that he did because he can be such a jerk sometimes.
i have to go get a sonogram on wednesday and i’m scared for the worst (it’s not for pregnancy it’s for stomach pains)
i’m 16 and pregnant and everyday i feel more and more guilty about being excited for her arrival.
i text you so that you know someone always cares
he raped me and abused me for years before i left him. he’s the only man i’ve ever loved. i’m 28 now and i’m engaged to someone else but i still see his face everyday.
xxxx is no longer the only person i’ve kissed in over three years.
i don’t ever feel like crying. i’m just numb.
i think i make myself sad sometimes because i’m worried that i have forgotten what it feels like and feeling sad is better than feeling nothing at all.
i don’t tell people my real secrets. it can’t help because no one really knows me. they couldn’t and probably wouldn’t ever want to
last summer i met a guy online who is 20 years older than me. we had sex. i still don’t know his name.
my glass is half full and i’m still not satisfied.
i loved her with everything i had and when she got with him it killed me inside. now she realizes she’s still in love with me so i tell her i love her too even though i don’t. it makes me feel vindicated to be so cold and callous to her.
everyday i wish it was me that got killed instead of my brother… i think he would have made something more of himself than i did.
sometimes i just want to run away.
i don’t love my mother.
every time i read a secret about husbands and wives cheating on each other it scares me and makes me never want to get married.
i’ve changed. i miss who i used to be and don’t like the way i’ve become.
i am in love with my best guy friend whom i have never met in person. problem is he’s in a well known and some days i think he forgets about me.
he chose his dying relationship with her rather than our blossoming friendship. when i see him now i just want to cry.
i should never drink. everyone in my family is addicted to something. i just can’t say no. i’m worried.
i enjoy being the other girl. it excites me more than you could ever imagine. the last three guys i’ve been with have been in relationships and 1 has kids.
i will never be good enough but i am too afraid to leave.
i constantly think about what things would be like if you did kiss me that night at the rave. i haven’t stopped hoping for another opportunity like that since then.
i never thought it would hurt so bad to not be able to say i love you because nether of us will be first to say it. i wish i had the guts to change it.
it’s all crashing down again and i don’t think i’m going to be able to pick up the pieces this time.
sometimes i thank him for teaching me a lesson the hard way. he taught me self respect and got me to drop the blade. thanks for telling me i’m good for nothing.
i’m so scared since after we spent the night together that he’s just going to break up with me and i really love him.
i’m afraid of being alone but i can’t stand being vulnerable to anybody. i’m my own worst enemy and i don’t know how to fix it. i’m the person everybody thinks has it all together and they go to for advice. they have no idea that inside of me i’m totally shattered.
i found the secret to happiness: finding the 1 man in the world u could spend everyday with and never get tired of him and clinging to him like u only have today.
i don’t think i will ever tell him what happened that day.
my exbf michael david is a self-obsessed asshole. his youtube account is worthlessperson13 and it’s as worthless a vlog as his name suggests.
when she lost interest in me i lost interest in living.
i’m scared that after twenty years my family still doesn’t know who i am and who i want to be.
i’m afraid no man will ever love me.
i masturbate at work - like an orgasm to pick up a bad day.
i accept that i will never be truly happy again and it doesn’t bother me.
my brother and i have been having sex for three months now - it's amazing!

2008-11-05T20:48:00.000-08:00

this past weekend, frank posted a secret from a person who had participated in the textsecret experiment. she (i presume 98% of participants are female) received a text from a pedophile and it brought up all sorts of emotions as she is a survivor of abuse.

frank asked if this was a common occurrence and for folks to share their experiences in the comments. many people voiced concern, disappointment, and even outrage that frank had allowed minors to post their phone numbers and suggested that this was a bad idea from the beginning. one particularly inarticulate, yet persistent and annoying, commenter demanded frank delete the blog and not allow anyone else to post phone numbers again. there were also many that confirmed the positive experience had by the majority of those who had participated.

i did receive a text from a person i would consider a pedophile. i dealt with the text and the textor in a way i found satisfactory and i moved on.

there is only so much that can be done in this situation. i know that frank i not to blame. i always believe that parents should be more aware of what their kids are doing. i don't think that there were predators lurking on myspace or on the postsecret blog waiting to victimize unsuspecting kids simply wanting to share secrets.

i think this is a good thing. i think this is another outlet for the postsecret community. i think this is a good thing for me personally though i haven't quite figured out the therapeutic benefits of accepting and publishing the secrets of others.

i hope that you all continue on. i hope that you tell others. i hope that frank soldiers on, but i'm sure he will. postsecret has an inherent trust in humanity and that has been extended into the textsecret experiment. bad apples will appear along the road. but if only one bad apple appears every hundred miles or so, that seems like a pretty darn clean road.

thank you all for sharing again. i hope you are well. please don't forget that there is always help.

an interesting blog about one person’s textsecret experience

this week's secrets:

i just bought my first house and when everyone tells me how proud they are i did it alone i cringe… we were looking at houses 2 weeks before he found out the girl he was cheating on me with was pregnant with his child.
i don’t think that i’ll ever be ok without taking drugs. i don’t really do them for fun, i do them so i no longer want to die. even if the pains only going away for a short time. every problem i have was created by me. if this is life i want to be done.
i flirt with my ex-boyfriend because he’s still in love with me. it boosts my self-esteem when he tells me that it’s impossible for me to look like crap.
i secretly wish my father would start drinking again so my mom would leave him like she said she would if he did it again.
the night i came home after i tried to kill myself he went for a beer with his friends instead of coming to see me. i still love him.
i resent him for dying before i could get over him & move on because now i feel like an 18yr old widow.
i’ve been vegetarian for years. after a stressful day at work i went to a mcdonalds and got a cheeseburger. it made me sick but it was delicious. now i’m not sure who i am.
i want to die. and as i sit here on my porch chain smoking, freezing… i see all the beauty around me and feel so worthless. i feel like there is no hope.
i tell my mom i love her every time i go out. it’s not because i want her to know i love her, it’s because if i die while i’m out my lat words to her were those. i say it no matter what. i love you.
what i’ll miss most about my uncle is sitting in the bathroom watching him have. i had hoped i’d get to see that one more time, but now all i have is memories.
there’s a guy that 2 of my friends n i all really like but 1 of them thinks he’s gonna ask her out. he just asked me n the other friend to his party… not her.
i’m scared to go to the doctor for my muscular dystrophy because then he will know i never finished my chemotherapy.
i’m 18, in college and i’ve never been kissed, had a boyfriend, or gone out on a date… i think it’s because i’m too afraid to change the way things are…
sometimes i wish i could just go to sleep forever. too scared to do it myself because i don’t want my son to hate me. but when i read about someone killed in a car accident i wish it were me. i hope it will get better.
shit. i can’t see myself growing up or getting older at all. i don’t see myself living. that’s when i start to wonder.
i’ve got my suicide planned out perfectly. i’m going down to the woods, put the plastic wrap around my head n lay down in the leaves n wait for happiness.
i’m in love with a married man and can’t seem to stay away from him even though i know he’s using me.
i wish I had the courage to divorce my husband. then i might have the courage to tell the guy i’m sleeping with that i don’t want him anymore.
i’m in love with my best friend. he has no idea when i say ‘i love you’ i truly mean it i’ll never tell him the truth.
everything my mother says or does makes me angry… she tries so hard to be close to me… i want to try and be friends with her but i just can’t.
i wish i was given the chance to be in a relationship but apparently looks are more important than how much you care about someone.
i can’t help but sabotage myself. something about it just makes it feel like it’s worth trying harder to succeed.
i like men to hurt me when we have sex because then i can hate them instead of love them. If they won’t i hate them anyhow because they won’t give me what i want
it breaks my heart to hear my dad gush about how proud he is that i am FINALLY losing weight. i wish he could be just as happy about my other accomplishments.
i feel like i’m dying. i miss him more than i’ve ever missed anyone.
i don’t care what they say, i love you!
i really wish i had someone to hug whenever i wanted. i’m so tired of being called worthless by the people I love, have loved and now people who don’t know me. it starts to take a toll on one’s heart even if you know it can’t be true
i’m being left behind again. even though it has to be done it still breaks my heart. i will love them all forever. while they’ll be celebrating, i will be crying.
i’m leaving him. i sent him the papers in iraq. It isn’t that i don’t love him i just am not attracted to him at all and i’m tired of faking orgasms and sympathy.

textsecret

2008-10-27T12:23:00.000-07:00

se⋅cret [see-krit]
– adjective

kept from the knowledge of any but the initiated or privileged:
a secret password.
faithful or cautious in keeping confidential matters confidential; close-mouthed; reticent.
designed or working to escape notice, knowledge, or observation: a secret drawer; the secret police.
secluded, sheltered, or withdrawn: a secret hiding place.
beyond ordinary human understanding; esoteric.

– noun

something that is or is kept secret, hidden, or concealed.
a mystery: the secrets of nature.
a reason or explanation not immediately or generally apparent.
a method, formula, plan, etc., known only to the initiated or the few: the secret of happiness; a trade secret.

quotes about secrets:

“anything will give up its secrets if you love it enough” - george washington carver
“every profound spirit needs a mask: even more, around every profound spirit a mask is continually growing” - friedrich nietzsche
“we dance round in a ring and suppose, while the secret sits in the middle and knows” – robert frost
“the man who can keep a secret may be wise, but he is not half as wise as the man with no secrets to keep” - edgar watson howe
“he that has eyes to see and ears to hear may convince himself that no mortal can keep a secret. if his lips are silent, he chatters with his fingertips; betrayal oozes out of him at every pore.” – sigmund freud
“what is man? a miserable little pile of secrets” - andre malraux
“everything secret degenerates…; nothing is safe that does not show how it can bear discussion and publicity” - john emerich edward dalberg acton
“nothing weighs on us so heavily as a secret.” - jean de la fontaine
“everyone is like a moon, and has a dark side which he never shows to anybody.” – mark twain
“whoever wishes to keep a secret must hide the fact that he possesses one.” - johann wolfgang von goethe

the power of secrets – an article from the magazine “psychology today”

this week's secrets...

i used to avoid my dreams to avoid my nightmares. my nightmares have started coming back and they are worse than ever. they scare me to death
i’m scared that once i take off the rest of the weight i still won’t be attractive enough for guys and just gain it all back
the only way i’ll know if mother loves me is if she dies like dad
he’s 53. i’m 22. he’s engaged. i’m single. we meet up every weekend. get a room. get drugged up. and have mind blowing sex. i don’t feel bad, sad, or guilty
she was his fuckbuddy before us and had his baby in our first few months. the baby now has major brain issues and i feel like it’s her punishment. not sorry.
i act like a smartass tough bitch in order to stop people from getting to know me. part of me loves being alone so much that it scares me
i use people to distract myself from reality, it’s time to grow up and face lie
what’s keeping me alive is the fear of suicide and the devastation it would cause my best friends.
i’m blonde, a redneck and i suffered from brain injuries. i am more intellectual than anyone gives me credit for.
i love my boss more than my husband. and i don’t feel bad about it
i will never recover from everything that has happened in this last month. now it is hard for me to see the good in people and i’m terrified that more things are
i distance myself from people, especially men, cause i think they will be freaked out by my daughter’s disabilities
i don’t want a relationship with you. i just need you to aid me in getting over the douche bag that i let break my heart once again
i think that the only person that can [help me] is the next man that will walk into my life and sweep me away. i hope he shows up
i want nothing more than to leave everything behind and move to oregon. i hate who i am here and i hate these people. i need something more than this.
i was a size 14 the year i got engaged. i’m a size 6 now. i shrank a size every year. i’ve never been happy with any size i’ve been, but i was prettier when i had the courage to be ‘the fat girl.’
i wish she would miscarry so he could come back to me like he did before they knew he was prego. she doesn’t know, but he calls me everyday and says the same thing.
i have gray hairs but i tell people they are white and due to a disease that i have that kills any pigmentation in my body.
i bought a vibrator and i’ve only used it twice. i’m scared someone is going to randomly find it.
i’m not the girl that he wants whether he thinks so or not.
i wish i had enough will power to just not eat because i’m sick of throwing it all up.
i still think about hurting myself every single day and most days i want to die
i just got a tattoo and my family can’t know!
my mother-in-law makes me lunch everyday. and as long as no one is in the office, i throw it all up when get back to my job.
i’m almost 16 and i still sleep with a nightlight. i’m terrified of being alone in the dark.
i’m never good enough.
there’s this boy i know but i didn’t notice him until he started showing up in my dreams… every time we are having sex
my husband threatened suicide. i wish he had done it.
these secret texts are the only texts i get.
everyday i wish i would get in a freak accident and die so i wouldn’t have to choose to keep him or our unborn child.
i hope my dad dies soon. not because i want his stuff but because i’m hoping then i can finally let go of his secrets and the anger i hold onto and direct toward him
i sometimes wonder how this happened to us. i don’t know how to stop being sad about it.
i just met a guy online and he’s the only guy who will talk to me right now.
i regret giving away my virginity.
a lot of girls like my bf and i feel that one of these days he’s bound to get tired of our long distance relationship and just leave me.
i think having sex with a total stranger is exhilarating and i wish i did it more.
after seven months of “sleeping” with him I finally slept with him. I learned he doesn’t share the bed very well.
“lol” annoys me. i believe people overuse it. or use it when they don’t know what else to say. it’s like a tic only typed, with some people. stop! it makes me think you didn’t really mean what you just wrote or texted.
i think my wrinkles are ok, and maybe even endearing as i have a youngish face. but i hate my gray hairs!
if i didn’t text the people that call me their best friend i wouldn’t have friends. i never see them anymore and they don’t care. i’m losing everyone.
i wanted to talk to her, to ask her to join me for a beer, but i know that i have nothing to offer that she would want so i watched her walk by.
i'm a fraud and a phoney. holden caufield's worst nightmare. i pretend to help people in need but i can't even take care of myself.

textsecret

2008-10-20T13:13:00.000-07:00

there are 47 new secrets this week! i’ve responded to some and was very happy to have done so. i hope that my responses helped. it seems many are dealing with unrequited feelings of one sort or another. i want to tell you all that it is ok to be alone. i know it’s not easy. lord how i know that. but there should be no social stigma for not being connected to another in an intimate way.

i had an interesting experience last night that i will share here instead of my myspace blog. i was sitting alone at an outdoor table at a local pub i go to after work sometimes. It was about 8pm when a woman came walking down the sidewalk by herself. it was obvious to me by the way she was swerving down the sidewalk that she was drunk. she smiled at me and bumped into a chair at my table. i asked if she was ok, she said yes and kept walking.

she bumped into a chair at the next table and i asked if she would like to join me. my idea was to get her off of her feet so she could catch her breath and maybe sober up a little before going on. she finally agreed and sat down.

i told her i would normally offer her a drink but she seemed to have had enough already. she laughed and said she wasn’t drunk to which i scoffed. she said, “really, i’m not drunk. i have a brain injury.”

i apologized for not believing her and asked if she would tell me what had happened. she said that when she was eighteen she was in a car accident and had hurt her head badly. the damage to her brain has impaired her balance, slowed her thinking, and limits her memory abilities. i told her that i was very sorry and she replied that it could have been so much worse.

then she told me about how excited she was because in january she was being allowed to move out of the group home she was living in. we discussed her anxieties about a roommate and rent, and also her anticipation of having her own place and independence. she was thrilled about the prospect of being able to do things like cooking or taking a shower without asking permission first.

while i walked her to the bus stop i thanked her for sitting with me and helping me to remember to be thankful for what i have. there is always a flip side to the coin we are given but we often get tunnel-visioned just looking at the down side. it could always be so much worse.

it is difficult for me to even write something like this without feeling like a cheese-ball or like i am working for hallmark or some silly daily affirmation company. you can’t really write or say something like this without seeming trite or cliché. it still needs to be said though and it is important to remember.

i gave her my name and phone number, written on a piece of paper so she wouldn’t have to rely on her memory. i told her if she ever needed anything to feel free to call me. there was no sexual tension between the two of us, no attraction at all, and my gesture was not a come on in any way. i don’t know if she will ever call but that hardly seems to matter. she appeared long enough to give me a message and i got the message and thanked her for it. i don’t know who or what sends the messages but i am thankful when i am conscious enough to receive them. regardless of your mood or the state of your life, it is important to always have your eyes wide open because you never know when a blessing will come stumbling down the sidewalk…

thank you all for your secrets. keep sending them and i will keep posting them and we will rid ourselves of the burden of carrying them and thinking we are all alone.

i have trichotillomania. i pull out my hair.
i want nothing more than to succeed but I am failing. i would rather die than admit failure. i have picked the date.
i am 26 and i got divorced because he cheated on me not because we grew apart. my family and friends have no idea.
my phone number is the same as an old escort service. sometimes i answer the phone as an escort so i can embarrass the fuck out of the pervs that call.
i haven’t let my dad hug me since i was 12 and he kissed me on the lips. that was 6 years ago.
my ex-husband in transgender. i wish he would kill himself like he threatens.
i’m going back for a bachelors at the age of 26 because i don’t know what else to do. at least i’ll know i’m a student for the next 3 years.
there are days when i love him and days when i don’t… i hope the day he proposes i do! i really do want to spend the rest of my life with him!
there’s this boy that i don’t even know and i want so bad to even be his friend but i feel like i’d be TOO happy in comparison to him to be anything but a stranger to him
i don’t want to be with him, but i don’t want anyone else to be either. mostly cause i know how happy he could and would make me, i mean, her…
i wonder if i should have stayed unhappy to avoid being alone.
even though he broke my heart into a million little pieces… i would take him back in a second. (and every time i see him i feel more pathetic.)
my best friend in high school wanted me 2 b with her. i told her i wasn’t gay, but now that i’m bi - god how i want 2 c her again.
i am an adult and sometimes i get turned on by teenage boys.
i am not lesbian or bi, but i fall in love with every single one of my best friends.
i don’t think i’ve reacted to my mother’s death.
i still go to my ex’s myspace and pwned pages because seeing his photos still gives me butterflies. even though i pretend like he was a huge mistake deep down i know he was the one. i’m with a different man now whom i love very much. i think we will get married but i know i’ll be thinking of jon.
i want to die every day. it’s not getting any easier.
i have no idea how to respond when someone compliments me.
some of my best writing is done buzzed or drunk and i have a callous on my palm from twisting bottle caps.
at 17, i’m considering stripping so i can make enough money to move out of my parent’s house and put myself through college.
i look at my boyfriend and i can’t help thinking about what a good father and husband he’ll be one day. i hope i’m the lucky girl who gets to experience it.
i love him because he shares my obsession with twilight. it is lame but true.
sometimes i wish the movie “eternal sunshine of the spotless mind” was real, so i could erase him from my memory. then i’d meet him all over again because i’d miss how things were when we first met. but i’ll never have that feeling again because i want to spend the rest of my life with him.
i have troubled thoughts and self-esteem to match.
i wish i could give him up as easily as he gave me up, and i’m afraid that i’d still take him back if he asked even knowing what kind of person he really is.
i share my secrets with everyone, not because i trust them but because if everyone knows i don’t have to trust anyone to keep them so no one has power over me.
i got a tattoo saying that i’m a survivor. what a lie. the person i was died that night. this isn’t me.
i’m glad i never let you go, after you broke my heart countless times, because then today wouldn’t have happened. i love you, i always will
i’m falling for my best friend. JRM i love you.
i think i ruined everything when i had a one night stand with the guy of my dreams.
i lie to myself so often, that i don’t believe a word that i say.
a month ago i slept with a guy 10 years older than me & an ex who i love all in the same day. i’m pregnant & i don’t know who the father is. i’m 18 & in college.
euthanizing animals doesn’t bother me as much as i think it should.
i think i’m trying too hard to find a secret to me, i should just admit that my life hasn’t been filled with enough to have one.
he broke up with me, but we’re still friends. i finally see him 3 weeks later and find out that he has lingering feelings for me, but doesn’t want to do distance. we’re still friends, but i’m not sure who i am without him. i miss him and what we had and i use all my wishes on him.
he loves me too. life is wonderful!
i thought i’d lost it all when i told my friend i was in love with her. i soon realized i was in love with her personality. i am in love with her friendship.
my late aunt would berate my mom for homeschooling us; but i was the one who explained “second base” to her now slut of a daughter. vindication!
my husband is being transferred to a new city and i’m worried he’ll find someone else while waiting on me & our kids to follow in a few months
i don’t want to have children and whenever i tell people i feel like a leper. they always make some crack about me changing my mind.
i was stabbed in the back. i have a right to my anger. my secrets turned out to be hers and she openly shared them for months.
i don’t think i can handle this. i really wish i could just give up.
i hate kissing my boyfriend. it’s all he ever wants to do
i've become so cynical and pessimistic about marriage because all the married people i know seem so miserable.
i wanted to send you another secret, but looking at your blog i realize that some 1 else has already sent you all my secrets. the only 1 left is my crush on u and your ability to be open to ppl you don’t know about. things i can’t even admit to myself some times.
i don't know if love exists anymore because i loved him with all my heart and he's thrown me away

textsecret

2008-10-14T10:21:00.000-07:00

i started teaching myself how to play guitar this past week with the help of a dvd from the library. it has to be one of the most painful instruments to learn. you have to press your fingers into the strings and hold them down in order to get a clear note. after the first lesson, i put the guitar away and realized i had blisters on my fingers. i waited a couple of days before i practiced again. it hurt again but not as much. the blisters had turned to callouses and i was developing a tolerance for the feeling. in fact, i found, that my fingers were searching for the same twinge of pain while looking for the correct fingering for the chords.

the lies that we tell to hide the secrets that we keep are like callous on our fingers. they protect us from our fears, from the judgment of others, of ourselves. they insulate us from what is real and painful and what is really painful. we convince ourselves that keeping the secrets and telling the lies is easier than the alternative and that no one would ever want to be around us if the truth were set free. we live in bubbles that blur reality, smooth rough edges, numb emotions, and dampen colors.

my calloused fingers seem numb now, like the tips of my fingers are perpetually asleep. i don’t have the feeling in them that i did just a week ago. it’s remarkable how quickly the body will act to protect itself and how fast the mind will justify it.

i knew what he was doing to her but i didn’t do anything to stop him. now i feel the guilt of it being my fault
i peed on my sister’s face while she was sleeping b/c she broke my power ranger
i gave blood and money to save the daughter of the woman who stole my husband
i think i want them to divorce but i’m afraid he won’t choose me when he’s free.
i faked the whole thing and i’ll never be able to let anyone know. everyone would be so disappointed in me.
i love to laugh. a lot. i also sing karaoke by myself. and i love bridges.
i’m so lost i don’t know what to do or where to go. just where i want to be.
i haven’t eaten anything in almost 24 hours and i’m not that hungry. i wish i always felt like this that way i could lose weight.
i realized he came into my life for a reason. it’s going to be happy but i hope it’s not love.
20 years later, i still think i see the man who raped me every once and a while. i never mention it t whoever i’m with…
the 1 time i was happy i was dating a married man 11 yrs older than me. he had no job no car and cheated on me. id never take it back
i always thought the phrase bored to tears was an overstatement. until today. the sad part is i have a boyfriend, family, and friends who i love and love me. but i am so bored i want to pull my hair out.
i wonder if i am truly happy, or if i tell myself that because that’s what people want to see
i'm utterly terrified of not being cared about.
i see that picture of your lips, and stare at it... i really want to kiss them and hope it makes your hurt go away, for a while.
i don't hate him. looking in my son's face, all i want to do is thank him.
i’m only 19 but i know who i want to spend the rest of my life with, yesterday he purposed to his 17 year old girlfriend of a year and now i feel like i have nothing to live for. i’ve convinced myself that no one will ever be as good as him and now no one is. i’m gonna be alone forever
i wish that my life was on the line instead of his so i know that his family can see him again
i met the kid i REALLY like about a month ago. here’s the problem, he’s gay. shows how good my life’s gonna be
it has been a year & a half since i ended my ten year marriage. i had an online relationship w/a married man for 3 years before i left. i didn’t leave because of my online fling; it was really over before i left my husband. but since i left, i have not dated, and haven’t wanted to. my ex is blissfully happy w/a girlfriend. oh, did i mention i lost my job 3 months ago? i am losing my apartment. if i ever doubted God, He has shown me He is real and punishing me
i don’t believe in God but i do believe in karma so i think i must have done something to deserve all of this and i’m always waiting for the next crisis to start.
i am twenty years old and no where near becoming the person i always thought i would be at this age.
we fell in love when i was 12 and he 21. we’re still together. it’s a special love that no one understands but that doesn’t mean it’s not love. we’re getting married
i overeat because i don’t like myself and i don’t like myself because i’m so overweight
he’ll never know we were going to have another child. i will never tell him and i feel like i will go to hell for that. he left on a saturday and i fixed the problem on monday. he wants more and i just want fake breasts.
i was o obsessed with making him the happiest person, with protecting him. now that we broke up i’m obsessed with being the girl that ruins his life.
i want to kill myself because i’ve had arthritis since i was 12. i’m afraid i won’t be able to do anything as it progresses and life won’t be worth living anymore.
i just want to run away with and be happy. no one suspects “us” and i know they wouldn’t like it. but i’m in love with him and couldn’t be happier!
i’m a 19 year old orphan with a brain tumor. i’m not going to tell anyone and i won’t get the surgery. i’d rather die on my own terms than waster away.
i don’t think anyone will ever love me, i don’t blame them.
i'm so lost.
i’m choosing my fiancé over my dad and nothing has ever hurt worse
i started college last month. i’m surrounded by people and friends but i’ve never felt more alone.
i should be the one kissing him. after all i’ve done for him… i deserve the chance to be with him again. i’m starting to lose hope in everything.
i have the urge to wish for him every 11:11 an then i wonder what is wrong with me. i broke up with him. as much as I hate to admit it, things are different between us. we’re not as far apart as i’d like to believe and no matter how i felt about him, love or hate, i was never apathetic. so now i find myself yearning for him to yet again experience the rage, the ecstasy. though i hold guilt as to whether it’s him i want or my desire for how he makes me feel. am i really falling for the one i abused in the first place?
i finally admit it – she cheated on me. i’m not mad anymore. i kinda needed to be free
i saw my secret on your blog. my secret is real, i cried as i wrote it. but somehow to see it written there makes me feel fake. i guess that is my secret too. i am fake.
sometimes i’m afraid the only man i’ll ever love is the one who abused me. i was strong enough to kick him out, but i don’t think i’ll ever really leave him.
i refuse to quit smoking because it’s the only way i get breaks at work.
my worst fear is getting my fingernails ripped off. so i bite them and cut them down
sometimes when i’m feeling more lonely than usual i use the 3 extra pillows in my bed and put them in a line next to me and i just put an arm around the pillows cause i fall asleep so much quicker pretending that it’s you and that you are not gone forever