textsecret

i was drunk-dialed from georgia (912 area code) this past friday. i really didn’t appreciate it. i don’t like it when people i know drunk-dial me so i most definitely don’t like it when a stranger does it. what’s odd (beside the fact that i answered a call from an unfamiliar number from at all) is that the person hung up when i answered and when i returned the call (because i like being hung-up on even less than being drunk-dialed) he denied calling me, then had a queen tell me off for returning the call. now, i realize i put my number out there for everyone to know, so to a certain extent i should’ve expected some jackass to drunk-dial me and should be thankful it’s only been once and hasn’t happened until now, but it doesn’t seem that far-fetched to me to think there has always been a bit of an unspoken/unwritten understanding that my number is for texts only and for secrets specifically. i mention this because i am hoping that my drunk-dialer from georgia is reading this and feels a bit of shame and stupidity for what he did. an apology would be appreciated but is hardly expected. making a phone call is an action that requires thought and a spot of concentration, you can’t just accidentally drunk-dial someone. so, the person, in georgia, consciously decided to drunk-dial me, decided to hang up on me when i answered, then chose to lie about calling me when i called back, and allowed a queen to tell me off when i tried to find out why i was called in the first place. when you look at it, there were several opportunities for this person to come clean and apologize on the spot but it didn’t happen which is why i don’t suspect it will happen now. i have the number saved in my phone now. it’s labeled, “jackass”. i considered publishing the number in this rant but thought better of it. if it happens again, i may reconsider….

i don’t participate in s4s. that’s why i don’t include the abbreviations (nr, pr, s4s) when i post my number, because i don’t want to mislead anyone. i post some of my secrets here and i also have a personal blog that reveals most of what i hate about myself. so, most of my secrets aren’t really secrets as they are published, for all the world to see, in one place or another. it used to help to see my secrets online knowing that anyone could read them. it doesn’t really anymore. i have so many, and they never go away from me. the only difference is now anyone else can know about them too. i’ve included a new secret of my own this week. i used to every week but i haven’t in a while. so, if you put s4s at the end of your text, that is why i didn’t respond.

here are this week’s secrets. as always, thank you all for sharing.

• i’m 31 and im terrified i'll be stuck married forever to the one i’m not in love with. the last 5 yrs have been miserable but the 7 before that were bliss. he still has my heart.
• i watch “clean house” to feel better about not keeping my home as clean and organized as it should be.
• after the way he reacted today i don’t care if i’m strong enough to tell him again. he’s my best friend and i would die without him beside me.
• we always go to my aunt’s for dinner on sundays. i used to hate it but now she’s giving me blowjobs while everyone else is having dessert and this week i think she’s going to let me fuck her.
• when i can’t sleep my mind wanders and i can’t help but think about those other girl’s hands all over him. even though i’m his he’s not truly mine.
• my boyfriend pretends to hate his ex but i know he still likes her but it still makes me happy to hear him say it.
• i’m afraid to trust my boyfriend not to leave me. i’m scared to fall in love.
• i’m finally working on becoming the person i’ve always wanted to be.
• i’m flying 90 down 16 to get back to the arms i need.
• i wish I could tell my best friend that her diseases are all in her head.
• my twin sister doesn’t want to have sex until she is married so i’ve been fucking her boyfriend so he won’t break up with her.
• my sister just broke up with her boyfriend, and i know i should feel sad for her, but i can’t help but be happy he’s finally single.
• the other night my little brother came home from his first date with blue balls. i felt so bad because he was in so much pain so i gave him a blowjob. that’s what big sisters are for!
• i love somebody much older than me and very far away.
• i wish he was falling for me the way that i am falling for him. why does he only think about sex when i talk to him?
• quit telling me things because you know i want to hear them. i’m not that weak.
• it kills me when he says he doesn’t care anymore or that he just doesn’t know.
• i’m sleeping with my hall-mate’s boyfriend.
• i hate my best friend. sometimes she makes my skin crawl and my blood boil but she is the only one who can stand to be around me.
• i’m so bitter and angry at life. at least i think i am. it could be me instead and that makes me angrier not knowing what i’m angry and bitter about.
• i lied. hunger doesn’t hurt and, it’s embarrassing but, i actually feel sexy when i’m hungry.
• sometimes i wish i would get pregnant so that someone in this world would love me.
• i let my brother jack me off and i do it to him. we’re not gay. it just feels better when someone else does it.
• i have never felt so beautiful as when he holds my face in his hands and gently kisses my forehead. i just wish he would admit he is mine.
• while in bed with my arms around my boyfriend i was wondering where my ex is stationed. i don’t want him, i was just wondering.
• i don’t care about family, friends, school…. all i give a shit about now is myself. for once i’m letting my pain be the most important to me.
• i’m not afraid that i won’t find love but that when i do it won’t be enough to save me from myself.
• i don’t know if i really love him.
• i only want someone to dance with me in the rain.
• i had to have a d-and-c this week because my baby never developed a heart beat. i’m morally opposed to abortion and that’s what i feel like i did.
• i am leaving him because he makes me hate myself.
• i am jealous of other’s secrets.
• i married my love right out of high school and we’ve been married for 7 months. he’s in the army and i’m at university and my parents don’t know.
• i couldn’t stop crying today because i thought about you again and realized just how much i miss and need you.
• why can’t he see that i love him? he raped me but i love him anyway. i slit my wrists every night thinking about him. why do i love the guy that raped me?
• i’m embarrassed to have company at my house because then they will see what a pig i am.
• i’m in love with my best friend but don’t know if i should tell him because he already has a girlfriend and i don’t know how he would react.
• i’m going to stop eating tomorrow because it will be so much easier than losing the weight i need to lose being healthy about it.
• whenever i hear jack johnson i think of my best friend and how unlikely it is that he loves me the way i love him. it is always better when we’re together.
• my mom is the one who will make me push down on that blade.
• i love my best friend but she’s always having some problem or major drama in her life and it’s always more important than mine. i just feel she doesn’t care about mine.
• my close friend disgusts me.
• a month ago i thought you were saving me. you really just burned me like the rest. i’m afraid my secret is that i’ll always be the fool.
• sometimes i wish some horrible tragedy would happen around me so i could die saving someone’s life and be remembered as a hero.
• i wonder if i really am happy or if i am just telling myself that.
• every time i give my boyfriend a blowjob i puke some. tonight i puked a lot. it makes me feel like a failure knowing i can’t even do that right.
• why do you do this to me every year? i thought i knew you. i thought you grew up. i guess you’re just a two-faced liar like everyone else says.
• i wouldn’t mind falling in love with him.
• i’m adopted and grew up in a “white” household. when i’m with other asians in public, i feel like i’m being seen as a foreigner and i hate that but at the same time like i’m abandoning my heritage.
• i told my fiance that i want a dog for protection but really i just want it for special me time.
• i’m hanging out with my ex and his new girlfriend. this is the worst i’ve felt in a while. all i want to do is go home.
• cutting validates me. it tells me i exist when no one else does.
• i’m in my 30’s and have been married since i was a teenager. i’m not in love anymore and don’t want to fall in love again. i still love him, that’s why i stay.
• i have a new found hatred for indians, seeing how my uncle was murdered by one.
• i think he wanted me back just to be with someone. i think i will cheat on him to see if i really love him or if i am in it for the same thing.
• i thought i liked you but all it was waswj [sic]
• i’ve been flirting with my math teacher all year. he doesn’t mark me down for being tardy or if i turn in my homework late and he always lets me retake quizzes and tests so i can get better scores. now i want to take it to the next level but i’m scared he will laugh at me.
• my friend is in a magnet program and it pisses me off because she thinks she is so much smarter than me just because i’m not at that program.
• i believe i’m actually starting to make the right choices. i’m really starting to be happy with life.
• last night i cut myself. i wish there was something stopping me from doing it again.
• i’m trying so very hard to be happy but it’s hard to be happy when you’re alone and it’s hard not to be alone when nobody wants to be with you.
• i don’t know what it is about him but i can see myself with him as soon as he dumps her. i wish we didn’t have to hide.
• my best friend lied to me about going to see her sick grandma so she could hang out with the boy we both have a crush on. what a cunt!
• my best friend is the only person who seems to get me but she replaced me with her boyfriend and i’ve never felt so alone.
• i told someone that i know and talk to everyday my secret. she had the same one.
• fear of being alone is the biggest secret i’ve got. i hate you. i just want someone to snuggle with when my friends are with their boys.
• i just found out that my ex-boyfriend broke up with his girlfriend. now i feel like we have a chance again but i fear i have too much false hope.
• after three years of not cutting i have relapsed tonight because the boy i’m in love with finally moved on.
• it still shocks me how he can bring back all of the old feelings. i’m not sure i like it.
• everyone says i’m pretty, so why don’t i have a boyfriend?
• my best friend doesn’t know how much i hate the person she’s become because i still have feelings for her and can’t bear to actually tell her.
• i know i’d take her back even though she cheated on me.
• i bought myself a birthday card since no one remembered my birthday in december.
• i don’t feel anything for you anymore. i would break up with you but i’m too used to you. plus, are relationship status is on facebook.
• there is nothing i can do, but if i could, i would do anything for you.
• every thing is just enough to get me by right now.
• no matter where i go or who i’m with i’d give it all up for julia.
• i seem to have a knack for stealing girls from other girls that i hook up with. it sucks because i always end up hurting someone.
• i always miss you most on superbowl sundays. that’ll never change regardless of how happy i am.
• i was hoping that my birthday present from my best friend would be him admitting that he feels the same way for me as i do for him. it wasn’t.
• i hate how my mom tells everyone all these lies about how i’m the perfect daughter behind in private all she does is criticize me and kill my self-esteem.
• i can not lie to him for the life of me. he always knows when i am and most of the time i don’t want to lie to him.
• i’m so sick of how you do things and discover things that i showed you or did first. you’re not unique for doing it, you’re just a poseur.
• spencer, when you kissed me on the cheek friday i really liked it more than i should have. it was super cute.
• all i ever think about is you.
• sometimes i can’t help but wonder if my no alcohol stance is ruining all of the fun i could be having in college.
• i’m going to marry him. call me crazy but he’s everything i’ve dreamed of. i don’t know what i’d do if i didn’t have him by my side every night.
• there really was nothing quite as ridiculous as the two of us and the best thing about it was how doomed we were.
• this anatomy test is a quarter of my grade but i just can’t get myself to start studying for it.
• yesterday he told me he doesn’t want to be in a relationship but he still wants to be with me. he doesn’t realize how those words are killing me on the inside. today he says he’s changed his mind and he’s in love with me more than ever. it’s hard to believe but i guess i have to take his word for it.
• i should leave you. i deserve better. i just don’t want to have to go through the process of getting comfortable with someone else.
• i want to brag about the fact that i am a size seven (i used to be a size 18) but i’m worried my two best friends (still big) will resent me and talk about me behind my back.
• i want to quit doing oxy really bad but i’m afraid i’ll gain back the twenty pounds i’ve lost while smoking it.
• i read the “missed connections“ ads in my local paper and on craigslist hoping there will be a missed connection about me. there never is.