textsecret

a few weeks ago, halloween passed by and i found myself explaining to new acquaintances why i don’t get excited about the prospect of a good masquerade or why i don’t like to at least dress up to hand out candy to all the kiddies. every time i find myself explaining something that i’ve had to explain time and again i also find that i reassess my explanations and question the honesty and integrity of it. i’m desperately trying to find the real me and desperately trying to live an honest life of integrity. it’s not enough to tell people i just don’t like it. it’s not enough to explain that my father never took my sister and i out for tricks and treats. it’s not enough to explain that my japanese mother never understood what was going on. not when i am explaining and justifying my ideas and actions to myself.

i recently started watching the latest additions to the doctor who catalog. the new series has been on in england for three years now and has been a huge hit for the bbc, critically and popularly. it is carrying on a nearly 40 year tradition of the doctor who character and universe.

i’ve always been a fan of science fiction. i am a child of the star wars generation after all. my sister has always been a fan of star trek and since i simply liked watching tv i watched kirk, spock, and sulu with her. over time i’ve come to learn that many of the shows i enjoyed would be considered sci-fi. the twilight zone, logan’s run, amazing stories, battlestar gallactica, the x-files…. i’ve never identified as a fan of sci-fi but now i realize that i am.

one of the great things about sci-fi is its ability to use allegory and metaphor to explore stories relevant to current social and political topics. like any other genre, when sci-fi is done well, good writing and good acting, many interpretations and conclusions can be reached. the new doctor who is currently a singular example of both consistently good writing, and acting.

during one of the episodes, the doctor and his companion are on a satellite orbiting the earth that is beaming 24hours of news to the residents down below. people are going missing and no one is questioning it until the good doctor shows up.\

he soon discovers that there is an enormous amount of energy being used to cool the top level of the station. he explains to his companion that the only reason anyone ever needs that amount of energy is to hide something. they go on to discover an alien controlling the station and foil the plot to brainwash humanity to turn them into slaves.

the standard explanation i give for my distaste of all that is halloween is that i just don’t understand the excitement adults get out of putting on costumes and masquerading around all night acting in all manners of which they would not normally dare. i find it ironic that people put so much time, money, and energy into this one night every year when, if we are honest with ourselves, we all wear numerous masks everyday to fit with whatever situation we find ourselves in. we pretend to be doctors and lawyers, teachers and students, debt collectors and retail sales people. in even closer detail, within those categories we find ourselves working in from day to day, we will wear different masks to fit the numerous situations we encounter.

as i thought about this explanation and my other reasons for not getting into halloween this year, i realized it was disingenuous at best and not entirely honest to say that “i just don’t get into it”. it is true that a certain amount of my disinterest in halloween has to do with disinterest and confusion handed down from my parents and so not being indoctrinated at an early age does have something to do with how i feel now.

mostly though, i think my disinterest comes from the fact that i expend so much energy every second of every minute of every hour of every day hiding my secrets and my true self from the rest of the world. i am convinced that i would be rounded up by an angry, torch-bearing mob if i came out from under my layers of masks and showed the world what i’ve been hiding underneath. i am exhausted from it. i am drained. i’ve looked for alternative fuel sources, coffee, soda, and medications, but i am near depleted each night when i get home.

i haven’t had a good night sleep in over two years. i’m restless, tossing and turning, i wake up two or three times a night, and nearly always wake up around 5:30am and just stay awake. it doesn’t matter what time i go to bed i still wake up. i’m just tired and people will say that to me everyday. i look tired. it’s obvious. i think i’ve probably aged 15 years in the last five. at this rate, i should be retiring within another five years and dead within ten.

i don’t mean to be a killjoy. i don’t want to rain on anyone else’s parade or holiday. i’m just trying to explain why halloween isn’t a big deal to me. i wear a disguise everyday and it is what people know me as. the real monster is underneath waiting for me to let my guard down…

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there was a virtual explosion of secrets this week. i suspect that as we get closer to the holidays the volume of secrets will not slow down. i found that i once again had to remind myself that when i get a text using the pronoun "you" it isn't referring to me personally. i get confused sometimes and wonder why i am the target of an angry text or of a text that is incredibly sweet but clearly not meant for me. i always remember though and move on. so here are this week’s secrets, and as always, thank you for sharing with me.

• as i watch my loved ones around me find boyfriends and girlfriends i use sex to pretend that it makes me feel the same as being in love… but it’s never the same.
• i miss who i used to be. i want to go back to being the girl i was before i met and fell for you. i liked her much more than this new person that looks back at me in the mirror.
• i read porn during my classes
• i think he still knows i cut myself and that is why he treats me so delicately.
• i’m most afraid that i don’t love him anymore but i’m too scared to leave him because i don’t think anyone will ever love me as much as he does.
• i don’t feel sorry for all of the people i walk all over. it’s their faults for lying down in front of me.
• i have had sex with so many people that i don’t think a normal relationship will ever be possible. my self-worth and ego are ruled by their words. i hate it.
• my boyfriend and i live sixty miles apart but what scares me most is that i’m getting used to it.
• all i want is his kiss, nothing more.
• i want to get back with my wife and she wants me back but i’m scared of what my girlfriend will do if i left her.
• i miss my father. every time i see a man at work who is brown and has a heavy accent my inner child cries a bit.
• i am engaged. the only woman i have ever loved is my ex. we have been talking in secret for years. she loves me too but is too scared to act. so am i.
• i told my parents i am a lesbian in order for them not to suspect i have sex with my boyfriend.
• i pretend to be nice to her because i know that’s what she’s doing, but i secretly wouldn’t mind if a rabid dog attacked her.
• i love x more than anything and i love being with him, but i let y eat me out when i was mad at x. he deserved it.
• all my friends think i lost my virginity when i was 14 and in love. i actually lost it when i was 16, in a back seat, because i wanted to impress the guy i like.
• i dropped outta college and am too scared to tell my grandma.
• i’m madly in love with my boyfriend but want so badly to have a baby with my ex.
• i can see ghosts. i see them everywhere. i know they’re real but the more that people tell me i’m crazy makes me start to think that i am.
• [from the 10/20/08 textsecret: my ex-husband is transgender. i wish he would kill himself like he threatens] i too am transgender and i’m so glad i didn’t kill myself like i threatened so many years ago when i was 14. i’m so proud of the man i have become.
• i’m afraid i only love the girl who broke my heart because i’m stubborn and because she helped me figure out my sexuality. but now i’m as confused as ever and she’s dating a guy. i’m not sure why i still want her.
• the only reason i haven’t off’d myself yet is because i know too many ppl who have… i couldn’t bear to hurt my fiancé like that but i hurt so bad inside.
• i didn’t resist when he raped me at my party because i thought they would feel bad for me… my boyfriend acts like it was no big deal, like tripping on your shoelaces.
• each day i feel like i’m going to puke because i feel empty. nobody knows though. hiding my feelings has become so easy.
• i’m extremely jealous of taylor swift’s hair because my boyfriend loves it. i have straight brown hair. i feel ugly next to taylor swift.
• i miss the feeling of being loved, even though the guy who “loved” me cheated on me five times and didn’t feel guilty at all. i still want him.
• i hate teenagers who say they’re in love. you’re not really!
• i have a boyfriend but i kept my old crush’s jacket because i still want a part of him.
• i don’t know if i want her but i do know i still want her around.
• my therapist tells me there is no way i have borderline personality disorder. but i think it’s because i lie to her.
• i don’t think i’m good enough for anyone.
• a lot of people ask how i get my hair so beautiful and perfect and i tell them it’s a combination of different conditioners and shampoos. it’s really just dandruff shampoo.
• i’m cheating my way through high school.
• i’ve lost all interest in my boyfriend of four years but i don’t want to break up with him because he always buys me expensive gifts.
• i hold in too much so now i cry when little things happen like being late and talking about how i feel and the more i try to open up the harder it is for me.
• being friends with you has made me realize that i really don’t want to be alone.
• sometimes i wonder what it would’ve been like if she had given me a chance. i’m with him now so i’ll never know. she doesn’t talk to me anymore.
• i think i am in love with my ex-boyfriend of one year and it kills me more and more every time i see him which is every day. i am also dating another guy.
• everyday since finding out i was pregnant i have apologized to my daughter for choosing him as her father. i should’ve kept my legs shut.
• i’ve been planning my death since i was seven… sooner or later i will do it.
• i am planning on leaving my bf whom i have a child with for my best guy friend who is in japan right now… my marine loves me and i love him.
• you are my hero.
• i honestly believe i will never be truly happy. i go to the largest college in the country but i am still so. damn. lonely.
• i have a crush on my husband’s best friend.
• i use the rapes and molestation as an excuse to be a total basket case. i really just don’t want to be normal or regular. i’d rather be fucked in the head with a story to tell than to be another mindless drone rattling off the latest celeb bullshit and what everyone expects from them.
• i’m just not really ready to be friends. it hurts.
• my girlfriend pushes people away when she really cares about them. so when she says hurtful things to me, i just imagine she’s saying, “i love you” instead.
• i force myself to believe next semester will be better… it sucks having 2 or 3 friends when your roommate has what seems to be like a million.
• i quit my job an hour ago. it already feels great.
• i have a boyfriend but i’m crushing on her.
• right now i’m copying from someone’s dissertation to my own paper at another school. it’s a theology paper and i’m terrified i’ll get caught.
• you are my best friend but when you kissed him right in front of me i hated both of you so much and i realized i liked him. a lot. you’re a slut. i’m sorry.
• when i see pigeons on the street i want to cry because no one loves them and i think they must be as lonely as i am.
• i over think and it’s killing me. i feel so bad for everyone that knows me. i even fear that you don’t like me. i need good news. i’m not crazy, just lonely. i love myself i just need a friend. i’m so sorry for all this.
• i am afraid of the truth. sometimes the idea of everyone knowing i’m crazy outweighs being well again.
• my life is not even close to what i thought it would be at 28. sometimes i feel like i’ll never be good enough.
• when i was 16 i took a bottle of aspirin and drank half a vodka bottle. hoping to die in my sleep, i woke up with a slight headache. i still want to die.
• i read a novel a day. i will also sometimes read the same novel everyday for a week, and occasionally more. i have a really good ability to put myself in the character’s shoes. i’ve realized it’s easier to hurt and cry over someone else’s pain than to admit and recognize my own.
• i’m afraid nobody will ever love me as much as he did. i guess love can’t travel 203 miles.
• i secretly wish i was anorexic.
• i think obama is going to get assassinated.
• the first time i looked at porn i was eight. i stopped three months after. the first time i masturbated i was also eight. i’m sixteen and i just stopped three months ago. i have always felt that because of this i have cheated my future husband out of something.
• you gave me my first kiss nine months ago at formal in the back seat of you car. it was sleazy. now, the only pure thing i can give my husband is the simple phrase, “i am in love with you”. i wish it was the kiss.
• i pledged to be a virgin till marriage and i really want to wait but everyone says i can’t do it and i’m starting to lose faith myself. i feel like i’m failing myself.
• i didn’t fuck with that bitch’s car but i’m glad someone did.
• i was molested when i was five. jeffery was my cousin and at my uncle’s funeral, months ago, i collapsed crying because i saw his mom. i hate him. i hate what he did to me, even though he went to jail for what he did. he’s been out for years now and that scares me more than i thought it would 13 years after the fact.
• i hate him because i can’t hate you but i’m afraid i do anyway since can’t forgive you.
• i can’t stop eating and it’s killing me that because of this i’ll never be good enough.
• all i‘ve wanted to do after our one night stand is kiss your one solitary dimple until you fall in love with me. i just know we could be wonderful.
• i love my best friend but he treats me like “one of the boys”. everyone thinks he likes me as well but i know he’d never admit it and neither will i. i was in love with someone who ended up being a joke. i constantly think about our fake relationship and i still miss him. real or not he had my heart.
• i chose someone else over him. now, i can’t help but be upset that he has moved on. i still love him but i was never good enough.
• i used cutting, drugs, drinking, and popping pills to get my ‘rents to realize i’m not happy… i have a “perfect” life and can’t tell them i hate when i see the disappointment in their eyes.
• she doesn’t see that i’m only studying to be a pilot cause i thought it would be a quick and good career for us to be able to start our life together quicker and that i want her to have everything she ever wished for and that i’m here at a place i truly hate only so i can be with her.
• even though he’s moved on i can’t bring myself to let go.
• my exgf left me after 3andahalf years. it’s been 3 years and i still love her more than life but i can’t tell any1 because they think i’m over her.
• i told him i was sorry his relationship didn’t work out. i didn’t tell him i am happy he finally got what he deserved.
• if you told me to, i would give away my house, pets, friends and family down here to move up there with you. i know you’re tired of going to bed lonely.
• i am one hundred percent in love with my best friend but can’t tell him.
• i still think about him, i still want him…he is married… while our mutual lust is spoken, we can’t take it any further… we both feel guilty.
• i’m more in love with the guy playing hockey 3000 miles away than the one i have been with for three years.
• i fucked my best friend’s boyfriend! i secretly loved every second of it.
• i love x more than anything i’ve ever known. i’m scared to death of this ending.
• the only thing scary about the molestation was how little it affected me.
• your biggest fear is that i’ll call your mother and tell her that you can’t be a mother. – love, your daughter.
• i feel extremely guilty that i sometimes wish i had cancer just to see who would support me.
• i would take back sleeping with both of them if i could because i know it ruined any chance of me being happy.
• i think that the sites other than postsecret only post secrets from the people that run them.
• i’m about to go back to my hometown to sleep with my best friend who told me he’s loved me for years. my boyfriend of a year is staying home and has no idea
• i’m worried i lost the love of my life when he died three years ago.
• i honestly don’t think anyone would like enough about me to fall in love with me after he hurt me. i’m so thankful you saw something in me to fall in love with me and make me the happiest person alive.
• when i’m with you i think about her…(dead!).
• my best friend moved to tx. my two best guy friends joined the marines. my bf is my only friend left. i can’t stand talking to him but i’ll be totally alone w/o him.
• i’m pro-choice because i wish my mother had aborted me.
• the past month’s events were not my fault but the guilt is weighing me down. my positive disposition is fading. i hope he is ok.
• i was just 3 feet away asleep on the other couch when my little brother was molested. he asked me to leave the light on and i didn’t and she molested him.
• he still has the key to my heart. i still have the key to his house. it doesn’t seem like an even trade to me but i know neither of us is willing to let go of what we have.
• i know you meant it when you said ‘i love you’ but to tell you the truth i didn’t.
• last night i hung out with my best friend and realized how much she means to me. today i spent all day looking at how beautiful she really is. i’m so glad i have her.
• i pretend to not like myself so that people won’t think that i am stuck up.
• i wasn’t really ready to leave the hospital last time.
• she’s kinda mine now but he and i are still together in some screwed up way. i don’t know who i want more and it’s killing me.