textsecret

i pray everyone will have a safe new year's eve and that the new year brings some relief from the burden of the secrets we carry.

as always, thank you for sharing...

here are this week's secrets:

• to whom ever is waiting until after the holidays to kill yourself, please don’t. i wish i knew who you were.
• i can’t feel it.
• there were two of us at work who were spending christmas alone. only she was invited to anyone's house. i hate my co-workers.
• i am the happiest i have ever been and it’s because of you. but you’re leaving saturday. my heart is breaking knowing i won’t see you for four months. you’re amazing.
• for christmas, my brother got everything i need to pursue my dream. i no longer have any hope for life.
• i want to be an english teacher when i’m older. i’m so happy i’ve finally figured out what i want to do.
• i think my best friend is starting to realize that she is becoming less and less important to me and it’s actually hurting me more than i thought it would.
• i am always scared that people are dead when they are actually sleeping so i always have to check to see if they are breathing or wake them.
• i live for the future because i have nothing that is holding me to the present.
• i’m 16 and i don’t know how to talk to my dad. the only way we connect is through the music he liked when he was a kid.
• don’t you see how uncomfortable i get when you talk to me about other girls? did you ever wonder why? it’s because i still like you.
• meeting him is the best christmas gift.
• she is always on my mind. i wish she would believe the things i say to her. i’m not the giant sweet-talker she thinks i am. i just can’t get over her that easily.
• i always say that honesty is the best policy but i feel like a hypocrite because i have seen secrets that nobody knows and i lie to myself every day.
• when my brother died, i wished it was my mother.
• i wish i were chinese so i could communicate and thus connect better with my boyfriend.
• i’ve known him for a while but now we are finally getting to know each other. i don’t know why i can’t stop thinking about him. i’ve never felt this way before.
• my ex dumped me because i wouldn’t let him have friends who were girls. i thought he cheated but i was wrong. we want to get back together but i’m too ashamed.
• i think i’m lost.
• i want to die.
• every time i get into the car i hope someone will hit me so i don’t have to kill myself.
• i’ve been to hell and back. the worst of my secrets? i’m in love. my heart isn’t made of stone. i feel stupid and weak – submissive. this isn’t me.
• i wish i had gone to my dad’s for christmas this year. i can’t wait for this day to be over.
• i’ll never be good enough for him even though he tells me i am.
• i hate christmas.
• it’s christmas eve and i can’t wait for my sister and brother to wake up and open the presents i got them. i don’t even care what i got. their smiles will be worth it!
• the only time i’ve felt truly loved is when my uncle molested me.
• it’s going to be the worst christmas without you here. i miss you so much daddy.
• disappointing my mother is worse than making her upset. i got two f’s my first semester in college. i’m afraid to tell her.
• i’m starting to think i love my online bf more than i will ever love my husband.
• i’m more excited than scared that i might be pregnant. i just don’t know how to tell my parents.
• i hate my feminist friend. i think she is an annoying, hypocritical bitch!
• my boyfriend has all of the missing qualities that i wanted for my ex but he doesn’t have some of the qualities that i liked.
• i had unprotected sex with an ex for five years and never got pregnant. my boyfriend of 18 months and i have had unprotected sex for 3 months and i might be pregnant.
• i’m afraid the past will catch up with me and he will find out i kissed his close friends, 3 months after he broke up with me.
• i’ve been cutting off and on for six years now. no one knows. even those who have seen every inch of me. my little sister is supposed to be the weak one.
• please don’t tell. let me keep the tiny bit of self-control i have. i need this. this is the only thing that comforts me.
• i’m sorry that i write on all of the receipts that you’re supposed to take to court.
• even though it was a lie, i almost wish it was the truth so i wouldn’t have to be friends with you.
• if she keeps acting like this I will stop talking to her. she hasn’t changed a bit.
• i buy damaged objects because i feel bad choosing the perfect ones over them. i’m damaged too after all.
• i haven’t told anyone about being sexually assaulted at a party because i should have been smart enough not to leave my drink alone.
• as much as i don’t want to admit this, his un-employment is affecting our relationship. i love him with all of my heart and will not leave him but the pressure of being the bread winner is beginning to take its toll.
• my favorite place to read is on the toilet.
• i kinda wish boys really did have cooties.
• my friend and i fooled around a month after she got married. now she thinks she is bi.
• i don’t want to regret him but i would trade it all to be with you. i’m afraid that my silence then is the reason for yours now. i miss you.
• i am in love with my best friend. i keep walking away but it’s like being tied to a rubber band. i just want to curl up and die because he can’t love me.
• i feel like i can’t get enough air into my lungs and i’m constantly on the verge of suffocating. i have no idea. it keeps me up at night.
• i wish my mom & step dad could disappear so the abuse could stop.
• i have a tendency to get attached to every guy who enters my life.
• i left him and moved to another state hoping it would be better. i still love him and want him back. i don’t think he wants me anymore. all i do is cry.
• i'm scared of sleeping directly underneath a fan. i can't stand it. i get freaked that it might fall down and chop me up. i lay awake for hours if i'm under a fan
• i want him all the time... he wont escape my thoughts.
• you’re going into the army. you’re my suicidal soldier. i still can’t say i love you and want you to stay. i love you. always will. please come home.
• i get sad every time i read that someone else wants to kill themselves. i wish i could stop everyone from suicide.
• i’m incredibly risque in the hopes of getting raped so i can blame not being a virgin on someone besides myself.
• i was scared. i’m sorry i turned away.
• i try to be bulimic but it just doesn’t work. how hard can it be to shove a finger down your throat?
• i was best friends with a girl i thought i’d never be friends with and i kinda had a crush on her. i’m a girl and i don’t like girls. she never knew until after we stopped being friends. it took me almost a year to get over. i hate her.

textsecret

as thanksgiving is this week (in the u.s. at least) i want to try an experiment. a challenge, if you will. i want to introduce a theme. send me a text with the one thing you are most grateful for. tell your friends to do the same! when dealing with secrets, we spend much of our time mired in negativity, anger, hatred, doubt, and regret. i want everyone to send me a text telling me about what you are most grateful for. it’s an exercise in gratitude and positive thinking (i need it as much as anyone…), then come back next week to see how the experiment worked!

some random thoughts for this week’s blog:

• there are much worse things that could happen in life than ending up like your parents. i understand though, as a child and a parent. and as a parent, let me say, that my worst fear for my son is that he’ll end up like me.
• we are a collection of families, towns, cities, states, and nations of secrets. the entire world is a community of secret keepers. what would happen if we had no more secrets to keep?
• be careful what you wish for!
• anyone who smokes should be required to spend at least one day each month cleaning up cigarette butts off of sidewalks.
• therapists are not all the same and going to one therapist will not yield the same results if you go see another. sometimes the chemistry is off. don’t give up on therapy just because you’ve had one bad experience; or two, or five or ten. finding the right therapist is like finding the right pair of shoes; you have to find the proper fit, otherwise you’ll get blisters and want to quit walking. don’t quit walking!
• secrets stem from fears and fears lead to anger and anger leads to suffering. but the only person that will suffer is the secret keeper because no one else knows what is going on.
• honestly accepting yourself and who you are is vital to happiness.
• hell is not a destination we could end up at after death. hell is one of the many emotional states we can experience in our everyday lives, along with love, enlightenment, and anger.
• i sometimes edit the secrets i get for content and length. i try to get to the core of the secret being told and leave some of the stories behind. i hope that is ok. i think it makes the secrets a bit more accessible.

as always, thank you for sharing your secrets with me. here are the secrets for this week:

• i’m in love with a married man. his wife thinks i’m her best friend.
• if he doesn’t visit me tonight i am going to pursue the other boy.
• he told me he had a crush on my best friend. he doesn’t know how much that hurt. i still love him.
• i’m scared to death i’ll end up alone. everyone says i’m too good for you, but the thing is, i don’t believe i am good enough for anyone.
• i used to be a professional escort (high class prostitute). i loved it and if i wasn’t married i’d still be doing it.
• i wish i could stop fooling myself and admit that i have no real reason to stay. what i can’t figure out is why i’m still here.
• sept. 1, 2006 i had a baby. i am pro-choice but have personal issues with abortion. i gave him up or adoption. i told one person. no one noticed.
• i wish something bad would happen to me so i wouldn’t have to try to get sympathy and so my life sounded more exciting. i’m too happy. i need something to vent about.
• i wish i had died when he did.
• i’m 24 with a great husband, great job, great friends, and a great life and i still run off and cry if i’m the ugliest girl in the room.
• he’s 10 years older than me, just got out of prison, and isn’t even supposed to be in this state. but he worships the ground i walk on. he loves me and i love him.
• i truly believe he won’t commit because he’s intimidated that my best friend is a boy.
• i wish i was weak enough to come to class crying.
• i need a lifeline from her, anything at all, but she even changed the password for the bog that she doesn’t even use.
• that fight we all had made me closer to the two of you. i will never stop loving you guys.
• i pisses me off when people i hate like the same obscure music i do. i feel like they’re trying to rub it in like they know a secret of mine.
• i lost my virginity last month. i found out this weekend i got a std. i believe it when he says he didn’t know. but i hate that i was perfect until 21 and now i feel tainted and dirty.
• i have feelings for people until they fall for me. then i run, terrified, with my tail between my legs.
• sometimes i’m afraid that i’m only sad because it’s trendy. then i make a list of everything wrong in my life and i remember why i cry almost every night.
• i’m scared that i’ll let myself down.
• my best friend doesn’t hang out with me anymore because i don’t do drugs. the only time we hang out is if we’re drinking or she’s on some substance.
• i’ve been through too much to honestly be able to say that i no longer know “right” from “wrong”.
• i found out in may that the best and worst feeling in the world is kissing the person who broke your heart.
• i’ve been living in nyc for 3 years. i’ve never fallen for someone more then all the times i took for granted in my hometown. i want it back.
• my ex-bf’s gf’s mom poisoned her last week and he came 2 me 4 help. i want her better but i don’t want them together. i still love him even after all the hurt.
• i’m a guy and porn makes me feel inadequate. doesn’t mean i can’t stop watching.
• even if he doesn’t tell me he loves me he still makes me the happiest girl alive.
• i hook up with so many people, even people who my friends like, because it makes me feel less ugly.
• i don’t think i will ever be happy again.
• to the person who felt bad for pigeons last week: i love pigeons and i’m sure someone loves you too.
• i think i hate one of my best friends.
• i honestly think i’m keeping them together and i think my siblings do too. i hope she leaves.
• i’d be happy to stay in my house the rest of my life if it meant i’d be with him.
• every time i look at my dress i think about the woman i should be marrying not the one that i am marrying.
• i think i’m in love with x but he’s with her. they have a baby. i know he and i could be amazing together.
• i cut not because of depression but because i’m afraid i’m slowly losing my ability to feel anything.
• i pray for her everyday just in case there is a god that would listen and offer her some kind of divine intervention. it’d be horrible for an eating disorder and depression to take such a sweet person.
• when i lie in bed next to her i can’t decide if i want to be her wife or kill myself. she doesn’t make me happy but i love her to much to leave.
• i only feel strong and brave when i help other people through their own problems.
• even after everything i still love him.
• i can’t stop thinking about him.
• i want to ride my bike into oncoming traffic.
• i got myself pregnant on purpose and he forced me to get an abortion. i hate myself for being manipulated and it’s the hardest thing 2 live with and i can’t tell anyone.
• i have no idea who i am and in an attempt to figure it out i seem to have become someone i hate. it scares me.
• i’m not lesbian or bi but i think women are way sexier than man. naked women turn me on.
• my husband pays for the sins of my ex.
• i am 29 and terrified of the dark. i’m too embarrassed to let my partners sleep over at night in case they want me to turn off the lights.
• if i had known my in-laws back then like i do now i never would have married my husband even though he is great.
• i kick myself for not having sex with you…. i could have been a married stay at home mom now like her instead of a single mom. it saddens me deeply.
• i am afraid i will always be number 2 in my boyfriend’s life and never be able to share number 1 with his son.
• i am so in love with him and so miserable because of it.
• i contemplate taking my entire bottle of sleeping pills in one dose. i don’t do it because i fight with myself everyday about when, where, and what the note would say.
• i wish he would finally realize that he belongs with me.
• i guess i’d be considered a prude but i’d lose my virginity to tom delonge any day.
• i don’t know how to get over him and i don’t know if i want 2.
• i just found out that my ex is divorced from the guy she cheated on me with and she and her crazy ass mom and her kids have been in and out of battered womens shelters because of the guy she’s w/ now. i couldn’t be happier about it. karma’s a bitch!
• my best friend is the reason i feel so terrible about myself yet i still am so loyal to her. god, i wonder if she even cares about me.
• i’m not joking when i say i’m going to end up alone and every time i say it i want someone to honestly tell me that i won’t but they still laugh at me.
• why can’t you just choose me? don’t you realize how amazing it could be? stop picking all the girls who hurt you! i don’t know if i can keep waiting.
• when he told me that i was ‘little girl and kitten’ cute it completely shattered the little self-confidence that i had. now i feel ugly all the time.
• i lie so much that i barely know what my true feelings are about anything. it drives me insane.
• to the person who has been wanting to kill his/herself since they were seven: don’t worry, i have been too. i can’t wait to make everyone realize i’m not lying about my need to be away from here.
• it’s not that i hate being alive so much as i’m just tired of living.
• i feel so disgusting when i masturbate because i’m huge.
• my now husband cheated on me when we were in high school over thee years ago. i now have a 2 month old with him and i don’t trust him. not sure if i love him.
• i’m tired of my happiness being a familiarity kind of content. i want to be happy. not just content.
• some days i love him and other days i hate him. i wish he would stop loving me so i didn’t have to decide. i will spend the rest of my life with him because i will never be strong enough to break such a wonderful person.
• i want my boyfriend’s mom to go to jail or get her kids taken away. she doesn’t deserve them.
• my p.e. coach taught me how to catch more than just footballs.
• i can never forgive my father for leaving me alone on christmas last year. it was the first christmas since my mother passed and he left me by myself!
• i’ve never had a relationship because i know that i’ll be crushed. i’m not good enough.
• i am in love with my best friend.
• i secretly wish my boyfriend would beat me. i want him to make me miserable because that is the only way i know how to be happy.
• every time i get into a car i hope it crashes along the way.
• my boyfriend is moving across the country tomorrow. everyone thinks i’m so sad but mostly i’m just relieved.
• i’m so scared i’ll never feel alive again.
• i got pregnant to keep him around but it didn’t work. i’m now raising a special needs toddler by myself and i realized that i don’t need him.
• sometimes i blow my nose and later wipe myself with the same tissue after using the bathroom.
• i’m just another textsecreter who is in love with their best friend.
• i wish i wasn’t such a whore before i met him so he could be the first one to touch me. i feel impure.
• i’m so much fucking more than meets the eye. no one gives enough of a shit to look past my beauty.
• i love my vibrators and benwa balls more than anyone could imagine. my toy box is full of colorful toys.
• i know that my mother loves my sister more than me.
• even though they dislike me i hope they both get into the school of their dreams.
• i create all of my problems, eliminate people i love, and now i’m completely drowning in them all alone.
• i think i’m in love with my karate instructor’s son.
• i pretend to have ocd so then people don’t suspect that i take anti-depressants because i’m depressed.
• i don’t know how to tell people how i really feel. it’s in my head but the words don’t come out. it makes me feel very small.
• i don’t want to lose my virginity to angry rebound sex. i still think about telling you this but i don’t want to further complicate the matter.
• my pastor’s wife is dying from cancer. i honestly believe god can heal her but if that’s not part of his plans i’d take all of her pain away in a second.
• i gave my twin his first bj and he was the first to eat me out. now i'm jealous of his gf cuz i want more.
• i’m a girl and i date girls just because i’ve been hurt so bad by guys i can’t trust them but still just want to be cared about.
• i feel invisible through to my soul.
• i fell in love with my best friend from high school the summer before we left for college. we went to an all girls school – how cliché. the realization of my sexuality has freed me. i stopped cutting, quit smoking, and above all i felt alive invigorated and awakened to a whole new depth of love that i have in my heart that i never knew before. 3 weeks ago she told me that she couldn’t “do this” anymore. and that she’d been sleeping with a frat brother at her school since last spring. in one terrible moment, my body and my heart went numb. i haven’t been able to feel a thing since.
• i refuse to learn how to text and it annoys all of my friends but mostly my wife. i had someone else send this for me…
• every time i babysit i pretend that he is mine. but then i’m afraid i’ll be a psychotic nanny like that character from one tree hill.
• i teach ap classes and give better grades to the girls that flirt with me.
• i laugh about them with my friends but i’m secretly flattered when random pervs message me on myspace.
• i want to close my eyes and not open them until i feel you on top of me.
• you are slowly destroying my life. i hate that i’m letting you. i can do better but i still can’t cut the cord because i feel like i need to save you and i’m pretty sure i’m in love with you.
• i’m so tired of listening to my bff lie when i know the truth. part of me just wants to stop talking to him but the rest of me loves him too much.
• i know u think i forgave u but i hate you for what uve made me become. u turned me into an insecure, trustless wreck.
• my relationship with her is highly unorthodox and is the best i’ve ever had.
• my estranged aunt told my family that my cousin died in a car accident over a year ago but said she would call the cops if we went to the funeral. there’s a facebook group in her memory but i still believe with all my heart she’s alive.
• i supported your oxy habit because i liked your personality better when you’re on it. it’s unbearable to watch you withdraw but you have sucked my money dry and now i have to let you suffer. the scary part is now i’m addicted too and i don’t know how to help either of us.
• i’m in love with someone who will never love me back. he doesn’t know how i feel about him but makes a point that we’re just friends.
• when you said that you could always read what i was thinking from my face you put the first crack in my carefully calculated façade. it scared me.
• i’m pretty sure that i am bi.
• i’m a lesbian and I’m afraid that i won’t be allowed to be a successful teacher so i’m changing majors.
• i don’t think i could ever tell my mom that my biggest fear in this world is ending up like her. it’s happening.
• even though i’m in a great relationship i love making up online aliases and masturbating with strangers. sometimes i’m on webcam too!
• i love him still after he cheated on me with my best friend and got her pregnant. everyday i wonder about what could’ve been if i hadn’t miscarried and told him i was pregnant.
• just because i like to smile and laugh ppl think i’m dumb. i’m actually in the top 15% in my class, all honors, and it pisses me off when they say that.
• the first time someone told me they loved me i was talking to someone online. i’m scared to let myself have feelings for them cuz i know i will be judged.
• i read other people’s secrets and it makes me feel a little better that i’m not the only person who feels like this.
• i receive texts everyday, telling me the secrets of strangers but i hold on to mine as if my life depended on it. i truly think i would cease to exist if i let go of my secrets.

textsecret

a few weeks ago, halloween passed by and i found myself explaining to new acquaintances why i don’t get excited about the prospect of a good masquerade or why i don’t like to at least dress up to hand out candy to all the kiddies. every time i find myself explaining something that i’ve had to explain time and again i also find that i reassess my explanations and question the honesty and integrity of it. i’m desperately trying to find the real me and desperately trying to live an honest life of integrity. it’s not enough to tell people i just don’t like it. it’s not enough to explain that my father never took my sister and i out for tricks and treats. it’s not enough to explain that my japanese mother never understood what was going on. not when i am explaining and justifying my ideas and actions to myself.

i recently started watching the latest additions to the doctor who catalog. the new series has been on in england for three years now and has been a huge hit for the bbc, critically and popularly. it is carrying on a nearly 40 year tradition of the doctor who character and universe.

i’ve always been a fan of science fiction. i am a child of the star wars generation after all. my sister has always been a fan of star trek and since i simply liked watching tv i watched kirk, spock, and sulu with her. over time i’ve come to learn that many of the shows i enjoyed would be considered sci-fi. the twilight zone, logan’s run, amazing stories, battlestar gallactica, the x-files…. i’ve never identified as a fan of sci-fi but now i realize that i am.

one of the great things about sci-fi is its ability to use allegory and metaphor to explore stories relevant to current social and political topics. like any other genre, when sci-fi is done well, good writing and good acting, many interpretations and conclusions can be reached. the new doctor who is currently a singular example of both consistently good writing, and acting.

during one of the episodes, the doctor and his companion are on a satellite orbiting the earth that is beaming 24hours of news to the residents down below. people are going missing and no one is questioning it until the good doctor shows up.\

he soon discovers that there is an enormous amount of energy being used to cool the top level of the station. he explains to his companion that the only reason anyone ever needs that amount of energy is to hide something. they go on to discover an alien controlling the station and foil the plot to brainwash humanity to turn them into slaves.

the standard explanation i give for my distaste of all that is halloween is that i just don’t understand the excitement adults get out of putting on costumes and masquerading around all night acting in all manners of which they would not normally dare. i find it ironic that people put so much time, money, and energy into this one night every year when, if we are honest with ourselves, we all wear numerous masks everyday to fit with whatever situation we find ourselves in. we pretend to be doctors and lawyers, teachers and students, debt collectors and retail sales people. in even closer detail, within those categories we find ourselves working in from day to day, we will wear different masks to fit the numerous situations we encounter.

as i thought about this explanation and my other reasons for not getting into halloween this year, i realized it was disingenuous at best and not entirely honest to say that “i just don’t get into it”. it is true that a certain amount of my disinterest in halloween has to do with disinterest and confusion handed down from my parents and so not being indoctrinated at an early age does have something to do with how i feel now.

mostly though, i think my disinterest comes from the fact that i expend so much energy every second of every minute of every hour of every day hiding my secrets and my true self from the rest of the world. i am convinced that i would be rounded up by an angry, torch-bearing mob if i came out from under my layers of masks and showed the world what i’ve been hiding underneath. i am exhausted from it. i am drained. i’ve looked for alternative fuel sources, coffee, soda, and medications, but i am near depleted each night when i get home.

i haven’t had a good night sleep in over two years. i’m restless, tossing and turning, i wake up two or three times a night, and nearly always wake up around 5:30am and just stay awake. it doesn’t matter what time i go to bed i still wake up. i’m just tired and people will say that to me everyday. i look tired. it’s obvious. i think i’ve probably aged 15 years in the last five. at this rate, i should be retiring within another five years and dead within ten.

i don’t mean to be a killjoy. i don’t want to rain on anyone else’s parade or holiday. i’m just trying to explain why halloween isn’t a big deal to me. i wear a disguise everyday and it is what people know me as. the real monster is underneath waiting for me to let my guard down…

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there was a virtual explosion of secrets this week. i suspect that as we get closer to the holidays the volume of secrets will not slow down. i found that i once again had to remind myself that when i get a text using the pronoun "you" it isn't referring to me personally. i get confused sometimes and wonder why i am the target of an angry text or of a text that is incredibly sweet but clearly not meant for me. i always remember though and move on. so here are this week’s secrets, and as always, thank you for sharing with me.

• as i watch my loved ones around me find boyfriends and girlfriends i use sex to pretend that it makes me feel the same as being in love… but it’s never the same.
• i miss who i used to be. i want to go back to being the girl i was before i met and fell for you. i liked her much more than this new person that looks back at me in the mirror.
• i read porn during my classes
• i think he still knows i cut myself and that is why he treats me so delicately.
• i’m most afraid that i don’t love him anymore but i’m too scared to leave him because i don’t think anyone will ever love me as much as he does.
• i don’t feel sorry for all of the people i walk all over. it’s their faults for lying down in front of me.
• i have had sex with so many people that i don’t think a normal relationship will ever be possible. my self-worth and ego are ruled by their words. i hate it.
• my boyfriend and i live sixty miles apart but what scares me most is that i’m getting used to it.
• all i want is his kiss, nothing more.
• i want to get back with my wife and she wants me back but i’m scared of what my girlfriend will do if i left her.
• i miss my father. every time i see a man at work who is brown and has a heavy accent my inner child cries a bit.
• i am engaged. the only woman i have ever loved is my ex. we have been talking in secret for years. she loves me too but is too scared to act. so am i.
• i told my parents i am a lesbian in order for them not to suspect i have sex with my boyfriend.
• i pretend to be nice to her because i know that’s what she’s doing, but i secretly wouldn’t mind if a rabid dog attacked her.
• i love x more than anything and i love being with him, but i let y eat me out when i was mad at x. he deserved it.
• all my friends think i lost my virginity when i was 14 and in love. i actually lost it when i was 16, in a back seat, because i wanted to impress the guy i like.
• i dropped outta college and am too scared to tell my grandma.
• i’m madly in love with my boyfriend but want so badly to have a baby with my ex.
• i can see ghosts. i see them everywhere. i know they’re real but the more that people tell me i’m crazy makes me start to think that i am.
• [from the 10/20/08 textsecret: my ex-husband is transgender. i wish he would kill himself like he threatens] i too am transgender and i’m so glad i didn’t kill myself like i threatened so many years ago when i was 14. i’m so proud of the man i have become.
• i’m afraid i only love the girl who broke my heart because i’m stubborn and because she helped me figure out my sexuality. but now i’m as confused as ever and she’s dating a guy. i’m not sure why i still want her.
• the only reason i haven’t off’d myself yet is because i know too many ppl who have… i couldn’t bear to hurt my fiancé like that but i hurt so bad inside.
• i didn’t resist when he raped me at my party because i thought they would feel bad for me… my boyfriend acts like it was no big deal, like tripping on your shoelaces.
• each day i feel like i’m going to puke because i feel empty. nobody knows though. hiding my feelings has become so easy.
• i’m extremely jealous of taylor swift’s hair because my boyfriend loves it. i have straight brown hair. i feel ugly next to taylor swift.
• i miss the feeling of being loved, even though the guy who “loved” me cheated on me five times and didn’t feel guilty at all. i still want him.
• i hate teenagers who say they’re in love. you’re not really!
• i have a boyfriend but i kept my old crush’s jacket because i still want a part of him.
• i don’t know if i want her but i do know i still want her around.
• my therapist tells me there is no way i have borderline personality disorder. but i think it’s because i lie to her.
• i don’t think i’m good enough for anyone.
• a lot of people ask how i get my hair so beautiful and perfect and i tell them it’s a combination of different conditioners and shampoos. it’s really just dandruff shampoo.
• i’m cheating my way through high school.
• i’ve lost all interest in my boyfriend of four years but i don’t want to break up with him because he always buys me expensive gifts.
• i hold in too much so now i cry when little things happen like being late and talking about how i feel and the more i try to open up the harder it is for me.
• being friends with you has made me realize that i really don’t want to be alone.
• sometimes i wonder what it would’ve been like if she had given me a chance. i’m with him now so i’ll never know. she doesn’t talk to me anymore.
• i think i am in love with my ex-boyfriend of one year and it kills me more and more every time i see him which is every day. i am also dating another guy.
• everyday since finding out i was pregnant i have apologized to my daughter for choosing him as her father. i should’ve kept my legs shut.
• i’ve been planning my death since i was seven… sooner or later i will do it.
• i am planning on leaving my bf whom i have a child with for my best guy friend who is in japan right now… my marine loves me and i love him.
• you are my hero.
• i honestly believe i will never be truly happy. i go to the largest college in the country but i am still so. damn. lonely.
• i have a crush on my husband’s best friend.
• i use the rapes and molestation as an excuse to be a total basket case. i really just don’t want to be normal or regular. i’d rather be fucked in the head with a story to tell than to be another mindless drone rattling off the latest celeb bullshit and what everyone expects from them.
• i’m just not really ready to be friends. it hurts.
• my girlfriend pushes people away when she really cares about them. so when she says hurtful things to me, i just imagine she’s saying, “i love you” instead.
• i force myself to believe next semester will be better… it sucks having 2 or 3 friends when your roommate has what seems to be like a million.
• i quit my job an hour ago. it already feels great.
• i have a boyfriend but i’m crushing on her.
• right now i’m copying from someone’s dissertation to my own paper at another school. it’s a theology paper and i’m terrified i’ll get caught.
• you are my best friend but when you kissed him right in front of me i hated both of you so much and i realized i liked him. a lot. you’re a slut. i’m sorry.
• when i see pigeons on the street i want to cry because no one loves them and i think they must be as lonely as i am.
• i over think and it’s killing me. i feel so bad for everyone that knows me. i even fear that you don’t like me. i need good news. i’m not crazy, just lonely. i love myself i just need a friend. i’m so sorry for all this.
• i am afraid of the truth. sometimes the idea of everyone knowing i’m crazy outweighs being well again.
• my life is not even close to what i thought it would be at 28. sometimes i feel like i’ll never be good enough.
• when i was 16 i took a bottle of aspirin and drank half a vodka bottle. hoping to die in my sleep, i woke up with a slight headache. i still want to die.
• i read a novel a day. i will also sometimes read the same novel everyday for a week, and occasionally more. i have a really good ability to put myself in the character’s shoes. i’ve realized it’s easier to hurt and cry over someone else’s pain than to admit and recognize my own.
• i’m afraid nobody will ever love me as much as he did. i guess love can’t travel 203 miles.
• i secretly wish i was anorexic.
• i think obama is going to get assassinated.
• the first time i looked at porn i was eight. i stopped three months after. the first time i masturbated i was also eight. i’m sixteen and i just stopped three months ago. i have always felt that because of this i have cheated my future husband out of something.
• you gave me my first kiss nine months ago at formal in the back seat of you car. it was sleazy. now, the only pure thing i can give my husband is the simple phrase, “i am in love with you”. i wish it was the kiss.
• i pledged to be a virgin till marriage and i really want to wait but everyone says i can’t do it and i’m starting to lose faith myself. i feel like i’m failing myself.
• i didn’t fuck with that bitch’s car but i’m glad someone did.
• i was molested when i was five. jeffery was my cousin and at my uncle’s funeral, months ago, i collapsed crying because i saw his mom. i hate him. i hate what he did to me, even though he went to jail for what he did. he’s been out for years now and that scares me more than i thought it would 13 years after the fact.
• i hate him because i can’t hate you but i’m afraid i do anyway since can’t forgive you.
• i can’t stop eating and it’s killing me that because of this i’ll never be good enough.
• all i‘ve wanted to do after our one night stand is kiss your one solitary dimple until you fall in love with me. i just know we could be wonderful.
• i love my best friend but he treats me like “one of the boys”. everyone thinks he likes me as well but i know he’d never admit it and neither will i. i was in love with someone who ended up being a joke. i constantly think about our fake relationship and i still miss him. real or not he had my heart.
• i chose someone else over him. now, i can’t help but be upset that he has moved on. i still love him but i was never good enough.
• i used cutting, drugs, drinking, and popping pills to get my ‘rents to realize i’m not happy… i have a “perfect” life and can’t tell them i hate when i see the disappointment in their eyes.
• she doesn’t see that i’m only studying to be a pilot cause i thought it would be a quick and good career for us to be able to start our life together quicker and that i want her to have everything she ever wished for and that i’m here at a place i truly hate only so i can be with her.
• even though he’s moved on i can’t bring myself to let go.
• my exgf left me after 3andahalf years. it’s been 3 years and i still love her more than life but i can’t tell any1 because they think i’m over her.
• i told him i was sorry his relationship didn’t work out. i didn’t tell him i am happy he finally got what he deserved.
• if you told me to, i would give away my house, pets, friends and family down here to move up there with you. i know you’re tired of going to bed lonely.
• i am one hundred percent in love with my best friend but can’t tell him.
• i still think about him, i still want him…he is married… while our mutual lust is spoken, we can’t take it any further… we both feel guilty.
• i’m more in love with the guy playing hockey 3000 miles away than the one i have been with for three years.
• i fucked my best friend’s boyfriend! i secretly loved every second of it.
• i love x more than anything i’ve ever known. i’m scared to death of this ending.
• the only thing scary about the molestation was how little it affected me.
• your biggest fear is that i’ll call your mother and tell her that you can’t be a mother. – love, your daughter.
• i feel extremely guilty that i sometimes wish i had cancer just to see who would support me.
• i would take back sleeping with both of them if i could because i know it ruined any chance of me being happy.
• i think that the sites other than postsecret only post secrets from the people that run them.
• i’m about to go back to my hometown to sleep with my best friend who told me he’s loved me for years. my boyfriend of a year is staying home and has no idea
• i’m worried i lost the love of my life when he died three years ago.
• i honestly don’t think anyone would like enough about me to fall in love with me after he hurt me. i’m so thankful you saw something in me to fall in love with me and make me the happiest person alive.
• when i’m with you i think about her…(dead!).
• my best friend moved to tx. my two best guy friends joined the marines. my bf is my only friend left. i can’t stand talking to him but i’ll be totally alone w/o him.
• i’m pro-choice because i wish my mother had aborted me.
• the past month’s events were not my fault but the guilt is weighing me down. my positive disposition is fading. i hope he is ok.
• i was just 3 feet away asleep on the other couch when my little brother was molested. he asked me to leave the light on and i didn’t and she molested him.
• he still has the key to my heart. i still have the key to his house. it doesn’t seem like an even trade to me but i know neither of us is willing to let go of what we have.
• i know you meant it when you said ‘i love you’ but to tell you the truth i didn’t.
• last night i hung out with my best friend and realized how much she means to me. today i spent all day looking at how beautiful she really is. i’m so glad i have her.
• i pretend to not like myself so that people won’t think that i am stuck up.
• i wasn’t really ready to leave the hospital last time.
• she’s kinda mine now but he and i are still together in some screwed up way. i don’t know who i want more and it’s killing me.

textsecret

sorry, i'm not much feeling like commenting today or leaving you with a story. i had actually written something out about halloween and masks and whatnot but it looks as though my computer has destroyed it for some reason. well, here are this week's secrets. thank you all for sharing!

• i’m jealous of all of my friends who are in love. i’m wondering when it will be my turn. i secretly think i make myself unlovable to guys i don’t want to love.
• this is the third time i‘ve fallen in love with a teacher.
• my bro-in-law just recently got fired. i’m secretly happy that he did because he can be such a jerk sometimes.
• i have to go get a sonogram on wednesday and i’m scared for the worst (it’s not for pregnancy it’s for stomach pains)
• i’m 16 and pregnant and everyday i feel more and more guilty about being excited for her arrival.
• i text you so that you know someone always cares
• he raped me and abused me for years before i left him. he’s the only man i’ve ever loved. i’m 28 now and i’m engaged to someone else but i still see his face everyday.
• xxxx is no longer the only person i’ve kissed in over three years.
• i don’t ever feel like crying. i’m just numb.
• i think i make myself sad sometimes because i’m worried that i have forgotten what it feels like and feeling sad is better than feeling nothing at all.
• i don’t tell people my real secrets. it can’t help because no one really knows me. they couldn’t and probably wouldn’t ever want to
• last summer i met a guy online who is 20 years older than me. we had sex. i still don’t know his name.
• my glass is half full and i’m still not satisfied.
• i loved her with everything i had and when she got with him it killed me inside. now she realizes she’s still in love with me so i tell her i love her too even though i don’t. it makes me feel vindicated to be so cold and callous to her.
• everyday i wish it was me that got killed instead of my brother… i think he would have made something more of himself than i did.
• sometimes i just want to run away.
• i don’t love my mother.
• every time i read a secret about husbands and wives cheating on each other it scares me and makes me never want to get married.
• i’ve changed. i miss who i used to be and don’t like the way i’ve become.
• i am in love with my best guy friend whom i have never met in person. problem is he’s in a well known and some days i think he forgets about me.
• he chose his dying relationship with her rather than our blossoming friendship. when i see him now i just want to cry.
• i should never drink. everyone in my family is addicted to something. i just can’t say no. i’m worried.
• i enjoy being the other girl. it excites me more than you could ever imagine. the last three guys i’ve been with have been in relationships and 1 has kids.
• i will never be good enough but i am too afraid to leave.
• i constantly think about what things would be like if you did kiss me that night at the rave. i haven’t stopped hoping for another opportunity like that since then.
• i never thought it would hurt so bad to not be able to say i love you because nether of us will be first to say it. i wish i had the guts to change it.
• it’s all crashing down again and i don’t think i’m going to be able to pick up the pieces this time.
• sometimes i thank him for teaching me a lesson the hard way. he taught me self respect and got me to drop the blade. thanks for telling me i’m good for nothing.
• i’m so scared since after we spent the night together that he’s just going to break up with me and i really love him.
• i’m afraid of being alone but i can’t stand being vulnerable to anybody. i’m my own worst enemy and i don’t know how to fix it. i’m the person everybody thinks has it all together and they go to for advice. they have no idea that inside of me i’m totally shattered.
• i found the secret to happiness: finding the 1 man in the world u could spend everyday with and never get tired of him and clinging to him like u only have today.
• i don’t think i will ever tell him what happened that day.
• my exbf michael david is a self-obsessed asshole. his youtube account is worthlessperson13 and it’s as worthless a vlog as his name suggests.
• when she lost interest in me i lost interest in living.
• i’m scared that after twenty years my family still doesn’t know who i am and who i want to be.
• i’m afraid no man will ever love me.
• i masturbate at work - like an orgasm to pick up a bad day.
• i accept that i will never be truly happy again and it doesn’t bother me.
• my brother and i have been having sex for three months now - it's amazing!

this past weekend, frank posted a secret from a person who had participated in the textsecret experiment. she (i presume 98% of participants are female) received a text from a pedophile and it brought up all sorts of emotions as she is a survivor of abuse.

frank asked if this was a common occurrence and for folks to share their experiences in the comments. many people voiced concern, disappointment, and even outrage that frank had allowed minors to post their phone numbers and suggested that this was a bad idea from the beginning. one particularly inarticulate, yet persistent and annoying, commenter demanded frank delete the blog and not allow anyone else to post phone numbers again. there were also many that confirmed the positive experience had by the majority of those who had participated.

i did receive a text from a person i would consider a pedophile. i dealt with the text and the textor in a way i found satisfactory and i moved on.

there is only so much that can be done in this situation. i know that frank i not to blame. i always believe that parents should be more aware of what their kids are doing. i don't think that there were predators lurking on myspace or on the postsecret blog waiting to victimize unsuspecting kids simply wanting to share secrets.

i think this is a good thing. i think this is another outlet for the postsecret community. i think this is a good thing for me personally though i haven't quite figured out the therapeutic benefits of accepting and publishing the secrets of others.

i hope that you all continue on. i hope that you tell others. i hope that frank soldiers on, but i'm sure he will. postsecret has an inherent trust in humanity and that has been extended into the textsecret experiment. bad apples will appear along the road. but if only one bad apple appears every hundred miles or so, that seems like a pretty darn clean road.

thank you all for sharing again. i hope you are well. please don't forget that there is always help.

an interesting blog about one person’s textsecret experience

this week's secrets:

• i just bought my first house and when everyone tells me how proud they are i did it alone i cringe… we were looking at houses 2 weeks before he found out the girl he was cheating on me with was pregnant with his child.
• i don’t think that i’ll ever be ok without taking drugs. i don’t really do them for fun, i do them so i no longer want to die. even if the pains only going away for a short time. every problem i have was created by me. if this is life i want to be done.
• i flirt with my ex-boyfriend because he’s still in love with me. it boosts my self-esteem when he tells me that it’s impossible for me to look like crap.
• i secretly wish my father would start drinking again so my mom would leave him like she said she would if he did it again.
• the night i came home after i tried to kill myself he went for a beer with his friends instead of coming to see me. i still love him.
• i resent him for dying before i could get over him & move on because now i feel like an 18yr old widow.
• i’ve been vegetarian for years. after a stressful day at work i went to a mcdonalds and got a cheeseburger. it made me sick but it was delicious. now i’m not sure who i am.
• i want to die. and as i sit here on my porch chain smoking, freezing… i see all the beauty around me and feel so worthless. i feel like there is no hope.
• i tell my mom i love her every time i go out. it’s not because i want her to know i love her, it’s because if i die while i’m out my lat words to her were those. i say it no matter what. i love you.
• what i’ll miss most about my uncle is sitting in the bathroom watching him have. i had hoped i’d get to see that one more time, but now all i have is memories.
• there’s a guy that 2 of my friends n i all really like but 1 of them thinks he’s gonna ask her out. he just asked me n the other friend to his party… not her.
• i’m scared to go to the doctor for my muscular dystrophy because then he will know i never finished my chemotherapy.
• i’m 18, in college and i’ve never been kissed, had a boyfriend, or gone out on a date… i think it’s because i’m too afraid to change the way things are…
• sometimes i wish i could just go to sleep forever. too scared to do it myself because i don’t want my son to hate me. but when i read about someone killed in a car accident i wish it were me. i hope it will get better.
• shit. i can’t see myself growing up or getting older at all. i don’t see myself living. that’s when i start to wonder.
• i’ve got my suicide planned out perfectly. i’m going down to the woods, put the plastic wrap around my head n lay down in the leaves n wait for happiness.
• i’m in love with a married man and can’t seem to stay away from him even though i know he’s using me.
• i wish I had the courage to divorce my husband. then i might have the courage to tell the guy i’m sleeping with that i don’t want him anymore.
• i’m in love with my best friend. he has no idea when i say ‘i love you’ i truly mean it i’ll never tell him the truth.
• everything my mother says or does makes me angry… she tries so hard to be close to me… i want to try and be friends with her but i just can’t.
• i wish i was given the chance to be in a relationship but apparently looks are more important than how much you care about someone.
• i can’t help but sabotage myself. something about it just makes it feel like it’s worth trying harder to succeed.
• i like men to hurt me when we have sex because then i can hate them instead of love them. If they won’t i hate them anyhow because they won’t give me what i want
• it breaks my heart to hear my dad gush about how proud he is that i am FINALLY losing weight. i wish he could be just as happy about my other accomplishments.
• i feel like i’m dying. i miss him more than i’ve ever missed anyone.
• i don’t care what they say, i love you!
• i really wish i had someone to hug whenever i wanted. i’m so tired of being called worthless by the people I love, have loved and now people who don’t know me. it starts to take a toll on one’s heart even if you know it can’t be true
• i’m being left behind again. even though it has to be done it still breaks my heart. i will love them all forever. while they’ll be celebrating, i will be crying.
• i’m leaving him. i sent him the papers in iraq. It isn’t that i don’t love him i just am not attracted to him at all and i’m tired of faking orgasms and sympathy.

textsecret

se⋅cret [see-krit]
– adjective

1. kept from the knowledge of any but the initiated or privileged:
2. a secret password.
3. faithful or cautious in keeping confidential matters confidential; close-mouthed; reticent.
4. designed or working to escape notice, knowledge, or observation: a secret drawer; the secret police.
5. secluded, sheltered, or withdrawn: a secret hiding place.
6. beyond ordinary human understanding; esoteric.

– noun

1. something that is or is kept secret, hidden, or concealed.
2. a mystery: the secrets of nature.
3. a reason or explanation not immediately or generally apparent.
4. a method, formula, plan, etc., known only to the initiated or the few: the secret of happiness; a trade secret.

quotes about secrets:

• “anything will give up its secrets if you love it enough” - george washington carver
• “every profound spirit needs a mask: even more, around every profound spirit a mask is continually growing” - friedrich nietzsche
• “we dance round in a ring and suppose, while the secret sits in the middle and knows” – robert frost
• “the man who can keep a secret may be wise, but he is not half as wise as the man with no secrets to keep” - edgar watson howe
• “he that has eyes to see and ears to hear may convince himself that no mortal can keep a secret. if his lips are silent, he chatters with his fingertips; betrayal oozes out of him at every pore.” – sigmund freud
• “what is man? a miserable little pile of secrets” - andre malraux
• “everything secret degenerates…; nothing is safe that does not show how it can bear discussion and publicity” - john emerich edward dalberg acton
• “nothing weighs on us so heavily as a secret.” - jean de la fontaine
• “everyone is like a moon, and has a dark side which he never shows to anybody.” – mark twain
• “whoever wishes to keep a secret must hide the fact that he possesses one.” - johann wolfgang von goethe

the power of secrets – an article from the magazine “psychology today”

this week's secrets...

• i used to avoid my dreams to avoid my nightmares. my nightmares have started coming back and they are worse than ever. they scare me to death
• i’m scared that once i take off the rest of the weight i still won’t be attractive enough for guys and just gain it all back
• the only way i’ll know if mother loves me is if she dies like dad
• he’s 53. i’m 22. he’s engaged. i’m single. we meet up every weekend. get a room. get drugged up. and have mind blowing sex. i don’t feel bad, sad, or guilty
• she was his fuckbuddy before us and had his baby in our first few months. the baby now has major brain issues and i feel like it’s her punishment. not sorry.
• i act like a smartass tough bitch in order to stop people from getting to know me. part of me loves being alone so much that it scares me
• i use people to distract myself from reality, it’s time to grow up and face lie
• what’s keeping me alive is the fear of suicide and the devastation it would cause my best friends.
• i’m blonde, a redneck and i suffered from brain injuries. i am more intellectual than anyone gives me credit for.
• i love my boss more than my husband. and i don’t feel bad about it
• i will never recover from everything that has happened in this last month. now it is hard for me to see the good in people and i’m terrified that more things are
• i distance myself from people, especially men, cause i think they will be freaked out by my daughter’s disabilities
• i don’t want a relationship with you. i just need you to aid me in getting over the douche bag that i let break my heart once again
• i think that the only person that can [help me] is the next man that will walk into my life and sweep me away. i hope he shows up
• i want nothing more than to leave everything behind and move to oregon. i hate who i am here and i hate these people. i need something more than this.
• i was a size 14 the year i got engaged. i’m a size 6 now. i shrank a size every year. i’ve never been happy with any size i’ve been, but i was prettier when i had the courage to be ‘the fat girl.’
• i wish she would miscarry so he could come back to me like he did before they knew he was prego. she doesn’t know, but he calls me everyday and says the same thing.
• i have gray hairs but i tell people they are white and due to a disease that i have that kills any pigmentation in my body.
• i bought a vibrator and i’ve only used it twice. i’m scared someone is going to randomly find it.
• i’m not the girl that he wants whether he thinks so or not.
• i wish i had enough will power to just not eat because i’m sick of throwing it all up.
• i still think about hurting myself every single day and most days i want to die
• i just got a tattoo and my family can’t know!
• my mother-in-law makes me lunch everyday. and as long as no one is in the office, i throw it all up when get back to my job.
• i’m almost 16 and i still sleep with a nightlight. i’m terrified of being alone in the dark.
• i’m never good enough.
• there’s this boy i know but i didn’t notice him until he started showing up in my dreams… every time we are having sex
• my husband threatened suicide. i wish he had done it.
• these secret texts are the only texts i get.
• everyday i wish i would get in a freak accident and die so i wouldn’t have to choose to keep him or our unborn child.
• i hope my dad dies soon. not because i want his stuff but because i’m hoping then i can finally let go of his secrets and the anger i hold onto and direct toward him
• i sometimes wonder how this happened to us. i don’t know how to stop being sad about it.
• i just met a guy online and he’s the only guy who will talk to me right now.
• i regret giving away my virginity.
• a lot of girls like my bf and i feel that one of these days he’s bound to get tired of our long distance relationship and just leave me.
• i think having sex with a total stranger is exhilarating and i wish i did it more.
• after seven months of “sleeping” with him I finally slept with him. I learned he doesn’t share the bed very well.
• “lol” annoys me. i believe people overuse it. or use it when they don’t know what else to say. it’s like a tic only typed, with some people. stop! it makes me think you didn’t really mean what you just wrote or texted.
• i think my wrinkles are ok, and maybe even endearing as i have a youngish face. but i hate my gray hairs!
• if i didn’t text the people that call me their best friend i wouldn’t have friends. i never see them anymore and they don’t care. i’m losing everyone.
• i wanted to talk to her, to ask her to join me for a beer, but i know that i have nothing to offer that she would want so i watched her walk by.
• i'm a fraud and a phoney. holden caufield's worst nightmare. i pretend to help people in need but i can't even take care of myself.
  

textsecret

there are 47 new secrets this week! i’ve responded to some and was very happy to have done so. i hope that my responses helped. it seems many are dealing with unrequited feelings of one sort or another. i want to tell you all that it is ok to be alone. i know it’s not easy. lord how i know that. but there should be no social stigma for not being connected to another in an intimate way.

i had an interesting experience last night that i will share here instead of my myspace blog. i was sitting alone at an outdoor table at a local pub i go to after work sometimes. It was about 8pm when a woman came walking down the sidewalk by herself. it was obvious to me by the way she was swerving down the sidewalk that she was drunk. she smiled at me and bumped into a chair at my table. i asked if she was ok, she said yes and kept walking.

she bumped into a chair at the next table and i asked if she would like to join me. my idea was to get her off of her feet so she could catch her breath and maybe sober up a little before going on. she finally agreed and sat down.

i told her i would normally offer her a drink but she seemed to have had enough already. she laughed and said she wasn’t drunk to which i scoffed. she said, “really, i’m not drunk. i have a brain injury.”

i apologized for not believing her and asked if she would tell me what had happened. she said that when she was eighteen she was in a car accident and had hurt her head badly. the damage to her brain has impaired her balance, slowed her thinking, and limits her memory abilities. i told her that i was very sorry and she replied that it could have been so much worse.

then she told me about how excited she was because in january she was being allowed to move out of the group home she was living in. we discussed her anxieties about a roommate and rent, and also her anticipation of having her own place and independence. she was thrilled about the prospect of being able to do things like cooking or taking a shower without asking permission first.

while i walked her to the bus stop i thanked her for sitting with me and helping me to remember to be thankful for what i have. there is always a flip side to the coin we are given but we often get tunnel-visioned just looking at the down side. it could always be so much worse.

it is difficult for me to even write something like this without feeling like a cheese-ball or like i am working for hallmark or some silly daily affirmation company. you can’t really write or say something like this without seeming trite or cliché. it still needs to be said though and it is important to remember.

i gave her my name and phone number, written on a piece of paper so she wouldn’t have to rely on her memory. i told her if she ever needed anything to feel free to call me. there was no sexual tension between the two of us, no attraction at all, and my gesture was not a come on in any way. i don’t know if she will ever call but that hardly seems to matter. she appeared long enough to give me a message and i got the message and thanked her for it. i don’t know who or what sends the messages but i am thankful when i am conscious enough to receive them. regardless of your mood or the state of your life, it is important to always have your eyes wide open because you never know when a blessing will come stumbling down the sidewalk…

thank you all for your secrets. keep sending them and i will keep posting them and we will rid ourselves of the burden of carrying them and thinking we are all alone.

• i have trichotillomania. i pull out my hair.
• i want nothing more than to succeed but I am failing. i would rather die than admit failure. i have picked the date.
• i am 26 and i got divorced because he cheated on me not because we grew apart. my family and friends have no idea.
• my phone number is the same as an old escort service. sometimes i answer the phone as an escort so i can embarrass the fuck out of the pervs that call.
• i haven’t let my dad hug me since i was 12 and he kissed me on the lips. that was 6 years ago.
• my ex-husband in transgender. i wish he would kill himself like he threatens.
• i’m going back for a bachelors at the age of 26 because i don’t know what else to do. at least i’ll know i’m a student for the next 3 years.
• there are days when i love him and days when i don’t… i hope the day he proposes i do! i really do want to spend the rest of my life with him!
• there’s this boy that i don’t even know and i want so bad to even be his friend but i feel like i’d be TOO happy in comparison to him to be anything but a stranger to him
• i don’t want to be with him, but i don’t want anyone else to be either. mostly cause i know how happy he could and would make me, i mean, her…
• i wonder if i should have stayed unhappy to avoid being alone.
• even though he broke my heart into a million little pieces… i would take him back in a second. (and every time i see him i feel more pathetic.)
• my best friend in high school wanted me 2 b with her. i told her i wasn’t gay, but now that i’m bi - god how i want 2 c her again.
• i am an adult and sometimes i get turned on by teenage boys.
• i am not lesbian or bi, but i fall in love with every single one of my best friends.
• i don’t think i’ve reacted to my mother’s death.
• i still go to my ex’s myspace and pwned pages because seeing his photos still gives me butterflies. even though i pretend like he was a huge mistake deep down i know he was the one. i’m with a different man now whom i love very much. i think we will get married but i know i’ll be thinking of jon.
• i want to die every day. it’s not getting any easier.
• i have no idea how to respond when someone compliments me.
• some of my best writing is done buzzed or drunk and i have a callous on my palm from twisting bottle caps.
• at 17, i’m considering stripping so i can make enough money to move out of my parent’s house and put myself through college.
• i look at my boyfriend and i can’t help thinking about what a good father and husband he’ll be one day. i hope i’m the lucky girl who gets to experience it.
• i love him because he shares my obsession with twilight. it is lame but true.
• sometimes i wish the movie “eternal sunshine of the spotless mind” was real, so i could erase him from my memory. then i’d meet him all over again because i’d miss how things were when we first met. but i’ll never have that feeling again because i want to spend the rest of my life with him.
• i have troubled thoughts and self-esteem to match.
• i wish i could give him up as easily as he gave me up, and i’m afraid that i’d still take him back if he asked even knowing what kind of person he really is.
• i share my secrets with everyone, not because i trust them but because if everyone knows i don’t have to trust anyone to keep them so no one has power over me.
• i got a tattoo saying that i’m a survivor. what a lie. the person i was died that night. this isn’t me.
• i’m glad i never let you go, after you broke my heart countless times, because then today wouldn’t have happened. i love you, i always will
• i’m falling for my best friend. JRM i love you.
• i think i ruined everything when i had a one night stand with the guy of my dreams.
• i lie to myself so often, that i don’t believe a word that i say.
• a month ago i slept with a guy 10 years older than me & an ex who i love all in the same day. i’m pregnant & i don’t know who the father is. i’m 18 & in college.
• euthanizing animals doesn’t bother me as much as i think it should.
• i think i’m trying too hard to find a secret to me, i should just admit that my life hasn’t been filled with enough to have one.
• he broke up with me, but we’re still friends. i finally see him 3 weeks later and find out that he has lingering feelings for me, but doesn’t want to do distance. we’re still friends, but i’m not sure who i am without him. i miss him and what we had and i use all my wishes on him.
• he loves me too. life is wonderful!
• i thought i’d lost it all when i told my friend i was in love with her. i soon realized i was in love with her personality. i am in love with her friendship.
• my late aunt would berate my mom for homeschooling us; but i was the one who explained “second base” to her now slut of a daughter. vindication!
• my husband is being transferred to a new city and i’m worried he’ll find someone else while waiting on me & our kids to follow in a few months
• i don’t want to have children and whenever i tell people i feel like a leper. they always make some crack about me changing my mind.
• i was stabbed in the back. i have a right to my anger. my secrets turned out to be hers and she openly shared them for months.
• i don’t think i can handle this. i really wish i could just give up.
• i hate kissing my boyfriend. it’s all he ever wants to do
• i've become so cynical and pessimistic about marriage because all the married people i know seem so miserable.
• i wanted to send you another secret, but looking at your blog i realize that some 1 else has already sent you all my secrets. the only 1 left is my crush on u and your ability to be open to ppl you don’t know about. things i can’t even admit to myself some times.
• i don't know if love exists anymore because i loved him with all my heart and he's thrown me away

textsecret

i started teaching myself how to play guitar this past week with the help of a dvd from the library. it has to be one of the most painful instruments to learn. you have to press your fingers into the strings and hold them down in order to get a clear note. after the first lesson, i put the guitar away and realized i had blisters on my fingers. i waited a couple of days before i practiced again. it hurt again but not as much. the blisters had turned to callouses and i was developing a tolerance for the feeling. in fact, i found, that my fingers were searching for the same twinge of pain while looking for the correct fingering for the chords.

the lies that we tell to hide the secrets that we keep are like callous on our fingers. they protect us from our fears, from the judgment of others, of ourselves. they insulate us from what is real and painful and what is really painful. we convince ourselves that keeping the secrets and telling the lies is easier than the alternative and that no one would ever want to be around us if the truth were set free. we live in bubbles that blur reality, smooth rough edges, numb emotions, and dampen colors.

my calloused fingers seem numb now, like the tips of my fingers are perpetually asleep. i don’t have the feeling in them that i did just a week ago. it’s remarkable how quickly the body will act to protect itself and how fast the mind will justify it.

• i knew what he was doing to her but i didn’t do anything to stop him. now i feel the guilt of it being my fault
• i peed on my sister’s face while she was sleeping b/c she broke my power ranger
• i gave blood and money to save the daughter of the woman who stole my husband
• i think i want them to divorce but i’m afraid he won’t choose me when he’s free.
• i faked the whole thing and i’ll never be able to let anyone know. everyone would be so disappointed in me.
• i love to laugh. a lot. i also sing karaoke by myself. and i love bridges.
• i’m so lost i don’t know what to do or where to go. just where i want to be.
• i haven’t eaten anything in almost 24 hours and i’m not that hungry. i wish i always felt like this that way i could lose weight.
• i realized he came into my life for a reason. it’s going to be happy but i hope it’s not love.
• 20 years later, i still think i see the man who raped me every once and a while. i never mention it t whoever i’m with…
• the 1 time i was happy i was dating a married man 11 yrs older than me. he had no job no car and cheated on me. id never take it back
• i always thought the phrase bored to tears was an overstatement. until today. the sad part is i have a boyfriend, family, and friends who i love and love me. but i am so bored i want to pull my hair out.
• i wonder if i am truly happy, or if i tell myself that because that’s what people want to see
• i'm utterly terrified of not being cared about.
• i see that picture of your lips, and stare at it... i really want to kiss them and hope it makes your hurt go away, for a while.
• i don't hate him. looking in my son's face, all i want to do is thank him.
• i’m only 19 but i know who i want to spend the rest of my life with, yesterday he purposed to his 17 year old girlfriend of a year and now i feel like i have nothing to live for. i’ve convinced myself that no one will ever be as good as him and now no one is. i’m gonna be alone forever
• i wish that my life was on the line instead of his so i know that his family can see him again
• i met the kid i REALLY like about a month ago. here’s the problem, he’s gay. shows how good my life’s gonna be
• it has been a year & a half since i ended my ten year marriage. i had an online relationship w/a married man for 3 years before i left. i didn’t leave because of my online fling; it was really over before i left my husband. but since i left, i have not dated, and haven’t wanted to. my ex is blissfully happy w/a girlfriend. oh, did i mention i lost my job 3 months ago? i am losing my apartment. if i ever doubted God, He has shown me He is real and punishing me
• i don’t believe in God but i do believe in karma so i think i must have done something to deserve all of this and i’m always waiting for the next crisis to start.
• i am twenty years old and no where near becoming the person i always thought i would be at this age.
• we fell in love when i was 12 and he 21. we’re still together. it’s a special love that no one understands but that doesn’t mean it’s not love. we’re getting married
• i overeat because i don’t like myself and i don’t like myself because i’m so overweight
• he’ll never know we were going to have another child. i will never tell him and i feel like i will go to hell for that. he left on a saturday and i fixed the problem on monday. he wants more and i just want fake breasts.
• i was o obsessed with making him the happiest person, with protecting him. now that we broke up i’m obsessed with being the girl that ruins his life.
• i want to kill myself because i’ve had arthritis since i was 12. i’m afraid i won’t be able to do anything as it progresses and life won’t be worth living anymore.
• i just want to run away with and be happy. no one suspects “us” and i know they wouldn’t like it. but i’m in love with him and couldn’t be happier!
• i’m a 19 year old orphan with a brain tumor. i’m not going to tell anyone and i won’t get the surgery. i’d rather die on my own terms than waster away.
• i don’t think anyone will ever love me, i don’t blame them.
• i'm so lost.
• i’m choosing my fiancé over my dad and nothing has ever hurt worse
• i started college last month. i’m surrounded by people and friends but i’ve never felt more alone.
• i should be the one kissing him. after all i’ve done for him… i deserve the chance to be with him again. i’m starting to lose hope in everything.
• i have the urge to wish for him every 11:11 an then i wonder what is wrong with me. i broke up with him. as much as I hate to admit it, things are different between us. we’re not as far apart as i’d like to believe and no matter how i felt about him, love or hate, i was never apathetic. so now i find myself yearning for him to yet again experience the rage, the ecstasy. though i hold guilt as to whether it’s him i want or my desire for how he makes me feel. am i really falling for the one i abused in the first place?
• i finally admit it – she cheated on me. i’m not mad anymore. i kinda needed to be free
• i saw my secret on your blog. my secret is real, i cried as i wrote it. but somehow to see it written there makes me feel fake. i guess that is my secret too. i am fake.
• sometimes i’m afraid the only man i’ll ever love is the one who abused me. i was strong enough to kick him out, but i don’t think i’ll ever really leave him.
• i refuse to quit smoking because it’s the only way i get breaks at work.
• my worst fear is getting my fingernails ripped off. so i bite them and cut them down
• sometimes when i’m feeling more lonely than usual i use the 3 extra pillows in my bed and put them in a line next to me and i just put an arm around the pillows cause i fall asleep so much quicker pretending that it’s you and that you are not gone forever

textsecret

i know we all find comfort and solace in the secrets that we read either on postsecret, the postsecret myspace blog, or right here. i’ve found a community of similarly tense, angry, hurt, anxious, elated, and sad souls baring secrets that often mirror my own. i don’t relate to every secret and sometimes i don’t even understand them, but i always relate to the torment of keeping secrets.

this project has been great for me because i no longer have to wait until sunday to read the twenty secrets that frank posts and, since they are coming directly to me, i feel a stronger connection with them. there are, in fact, times where it seems that instead of receiving an anonymous text about someone’s secret, some stranger is sending me a text to comment on my life directly. i know this is irrational, but when i read a text at 3am in a half-sleeping stupor, it sometimes feels eerily relevant to my own life.

so many of this week’s text were like that for me. it’s like getting a fortune in a cookie that actually means something to you, or having an old friend call out of the blue at the very instant you are thinking about them. i wonder if these aren’t signs that i should be paying attention to or if i am just reading more into it then i should. maybe i am imbuing it with more meaning than is really there. after all, these texts are about the senders and not about me.

anyway, thanks to all of you who sent in new secrets. keep releasing them into the wind and the grip they have on our lives will lessen until we can be free and fly away happy.

• i talk to my ex still and sometimes the enormity of love he feels nauseates me. i think he’s pathetic and i want him to move on but he won’t
• he's cheated on me so many times that i don’t feel the same way for him anymore. the only reason it seems i haven’t left him is our son, and that he needs me. even though i don’t love him i can’t just throw him out.
• i wonder how long it will take the people at work to realize that i do nothing all day, hate all of them, and only stay for the check and benefits
• every time my roommates start talking about relationships, it makes me wish i wasn’t gay
• my mom is the only reason i haven’t killed myself. i could never hurt her like that after all we have been through together.
• j.s.e. saved my life. i wish i could tell her how much she means to me. i haven’t cut since i talked to her june 3rd, 2008!
• i have never hated my life as much as i do now. i want to leave him, but my lover doesn’t want me anymore
• i’m running away with a man i met a week ago. i’m not telling anyone. no family – no friends. i’m already so scared BUT SO SO in love!
• i go to shows and concerts in hopes of meeting my soul mate singing along to my favorite songs.
• i don't believe in god...but i'm also afraid i will burn in hell... what does this mean?
• my only hope in life is a man i’ve never met
• i wish my husband would die in iraq
• it’s been 22 years since she died and i’ve never felt more ashamed about the disappointment i must be
• i hate how my mom always compares me to other people n points out all my flaws. she makes me feel like shit.
• after 8 years, on monday i finally told him i am in love with him. today he told me that i wasn’t in love with him and that i was only in love with the thought of him. i just want him to believe me.
• when i was 14 my mom left the state to go live with her bf 3000 miles away
• i secretly think he’s in love with his sister
• i plan on leaving this place and never speaking to anybody here ever again even my best friends
• i miss being myself. i moved this summer. and i’d get shot if i was the real me here
• i plan on fooling around with my friend who has a gf
• i use boys
• i’m always just the friend, but i love being guys friends too much to stop
• i’m wayyyy too shallow. i won’t even be friends with ugly people
• i push guys away cause i fear it will be my fault in the end i broke up with my boyfriend tonight because i’m in love with a man i’ve never even met. he cried… and that broke my heart
• i broke up with my fiancé a few months ago but i am already in love again. yet i can’t commit to him in any way either because i still have this picture in my head of my ex coming back and marrying me. it makes me feel guilty and want to disappear and never have to deal with either of them again.
• my girlfriend is pregnant
• i don’t want him to leave but i want him to do what is best for him. damn the army for taking him away from me.
• i think i love him. i think i need him. but i will never find out without loosing him, and by then it would be too late. i don't know how to explain it, but he is my world. and i guess that counts as love.
• "i'm never alone, i'm alone all the time" -- not just song lyrics, it's my secret.
• i want him more than anything in my life but i’m so afraid that he doesn’t want me
• i pretend not to care and not to be scared but he hurt my heart so bad. i’m just willing to wait for someone to heal it for as long as it takes now.
• i know that he can save me but i’m too afraid to ask
• i told him my deepest secret and now i think everything has changed and i’m terrified of losing what little of him i have left.
• i hide my bipolar disorder but it gives me an unrelenting anger, guilt, and sorrow that hurts the ones i love
• i love my son but am so agoraphobic i make up excuses so occasionally his father will keep him. i just can’t face the world some days
• i broke up with the only kid i’ve ever felt for most. he liked me for a month and then moved on to a new girl. it’s been 6 months. i have a boyfriend but i’m in love with my ex and i don’t believe i will ever move on
• i still hate my life even though i promised him i didn’t
• after thinking about it for 6 months, i am finally going to kiss the sexy man behind the bar next saturday night. he has no idea. neither does my boyfriend.
• dear brother, you don’t think i remember but i know you molested me when i was younger. it was the reason i can’t be with any guy. i can’t shake the memories. i’m afraid you ruined my life.
• i’m scared of everything. everyone thinks i’m a great person and i’m honest and trustworthy. i am a wonderful liar.
• he told me he’ll stop smoking weed for me. i feel horrible… i want him to stop because he wants to
• i only have been acting like a whore since i met him that day at the show. i do exactly what he does. i don’t know why.
• i’m scared that i’m unconsciously manipulative, just because i’m a scorpio
• i think it’s weird how ppl feel so much more comfortable talking about how they feel to strangers rather than friends and family. but i feel that way too.
• i miss love, but am too afraid of it to want it.
• i have no friends. in an effort to with someone even if i never heard from them again i put my number on myspace. no one has texted me. i am sad
• there’s this deep misery in my soul. sometimes it goes numb and i feel ok. it always comes back when i’m alone. i cant talk about it because i don’t know what’s wrong. it’s going to cause me to push everyone away.
• you are not alone.
• when i was 8 or 9 i saw my dad choking my mom… all i did was run out of the room crying… i still feel guilty i didn’t do anything.
• i’m going to be an aunt.
• i know i need to lose weight. i look like a female linebacker. but i am only happy when i’m shoving food in my mouth.
• sometimes i wonder if it’s possible to be in love with a celebrity you’ve never met. i’m not just a fangirl, i’d love him even if he wasn’t their drummer.
• he used me for sex. i’m still going to miss him when he leaves.
• my biggest shame in grade school was i never learned to jump rope. i’m in college and i still can’t. all the kids who made fun of me dropped out or got pregnant. they could all jump rope.
• “if i could i would shrink myself and sink through your skin to your blood cells remove whatever makes you hurt but i am too weak to be your cure” that song will always remind me of you, dad. i forgive you. finally.
• i just lost my job and i’m SO HAPPY!
• my mother hoped that by me switching jobs would kill our relationship, when in fact it’s only made it stronger
• my father died in car accident 7 years ago. i finally have proof that it was murder. and i promise that my revenge will be an accident too
• i never get naked during sex cause i’m afraid that if they see my fat body naked they won’t want to fuck anymore.
• i’m only 19 but everyday i make a conscious effort to be diff than my mom bc i’m so scared my future kids will grow up to hate me
• i love my best friend, she doesn’t realize she’s harming herself. i feel bad but i told her so.
• i’m afraid that i’ll never find someone who loves me as much as i love them.
• i’m scared of lawn mowers
• i love him. and i miss him. but he has done so much bad to me that after 5 months i don’t know what to do or if his not contacting me might be his way of doing good by me finally.
• i’ve been grieving over my ex boyfriend all month but now i’m just starting to learn the lesson that if someone wants to walk out of your life… …you should let them go.
• i am giving up on love. it screwed me over.
• i do not know what i want to do after high school but i know i don’t want to wait too long and screw my life over like my sister did to hers
• i’m tired of people telling me how beautiful i am. i’m afraid i’ll start to believe it.
• my husband is going back to iraq in a few months and i don’t know if i can go another 12 months without kissing

textsecret

as for some of the longer texts, this is just a matter of the secret holders sending multiple texts. this can be interesting as they don't always come in order! i've noticed also that senders are adding 'pr' and 'nr' either before or after the body of the text. i didn't know what that was at first but quickly realized it was shorthand for 'please respond' and 'no response'. so this is growing and even developing its own shorthand. so here are this week's....

• i’ve been friendless my whole life bc i’m afraid that in making friends they will learn i’m desperate and reject me। when ppl ask who i do things with i usually make it up.
• i can’t cry when we talk about the move because i can’t see that it won’t work. but he’s scared and thinks i will find someone else. i don’t want someone else.
  
• i was glad when my husband cheated. it gave me the reason i needed. i was only mad because she was my friend.
  
• i love my nephew so much because i’m afraid i won’t have kids of my own.
  
• i’ve been abusing laxatives for two weeks. So much for kicking the eating disorder completely….
  
• i’m not gonna lie I’m feeling pretty alone in this world right now. I haven’t met someone truly amazing in a long time.
  
• he married her instead of me.
  
• i often say what a great liar i am. if only they knew what i was lying about.
  
• all i want is a man to spoon me
  
• i hate homosexuals but who am i to judge? i’m gay too
  
• there have been periods in my life where i have slept around and they only leave me feeling empty. it’s my only way to defy love.
  
• i know i cut you out of my life completely but i dream about you every night, i’m sorry. i’m wondering if it was a mistake. i hope that you are doing ok. i’ll miss that friendship.
  
• i like to wear diapers.
  
• i want to be anorexic. i feel it’s the only way.
  
• a fellow teacher @ my school got in trouble for misconduct. i know more then i would admit
  
• i hate sex but i keep pushing my bf to have it with me
  
• sometimes i’m only christian because i get free stuff.
  
• when i was 11 my brother was talking to me about sex and then he offered to show me how it felt i said no but i wonder about it & worry
  
• sometimes i fantasize about hurting myself just to see if he would come to the hospital…
  
• i tell my friends i’m happy being single after 2 failed marriages. i really am overwhelmingly lonely & worry i will never meet the one for me
  
• he’s not in my dreams anymore.
  
• i let a man 30 years older then me put his hand up my skirt while i was driving his convertible. what a thrill!!!
  
• i plan to leave this town before he gets back to show him i am sick of seeing him, knowing i can’t have him.
  
• i have absolutely no friends. i have been alone so long, i think i have forgotten how to make a friend.
  
• i have a gay brother and i love it!!!
  
• they saved my life. i’m grateful for that, but i’m scared to death i’m losing my faith in them.
  
• i resent my family for blaming everything negative in my life on the fact that i was raped as a child. that’s why i’m reluctant to come out to them – i know it will be seen as some defect in me from my sordid past. i couldn’t risk having something that’s such a part of me just dismissed as an emotional issue.
  
• every time i misplace my cell phone i pray that it has been lost for good. i could then disappear.
  
• i’m in love with my best friend and he’s in love with the sex we have. i wonder sometimes if he’ll ever love me…
  
• i don’t smoke. i don’t want to die the same way they all do.
  
• i want to be an exhibitionist! but i’m too shy
  
• my mom has a normal sounding voice but every time i hear it i cringe… no matter how sweet her tone is.
  
• my four year old daughter is my best friend and without her i would have never made it o twenty five.
  
• i blame no one staying on my autism but really i think it’s cause i’m not good enough
  
• i only give second chances to attractive people
  
• i finally told my parents in jan. that my cousin (who they adore) had molested me. this, after i had finally decided to move on after letting it haunt/ruin me for five years. they said it was my fault
  
• i stole my grandpa’s loratabs after he died and sold them to buy cigs and makeup
  
• i am 23 and i recently got dumped from my first real boyfriend. i want to go back to who i was before i met him
  
• i know it’s cliché, but i’m falling for one of my best friends. he has a girlfriend and i have a boyfriend. the worst part is that he told me that he was glad we never dated because we have so much more as friends. i can’t help but be jealous that she gets to kiss him.
  
• i love my best friend, but she doesn’t realize that the drugs will kill her. i’m seriously thinking about making her go to rehab, even if she hates me afterward.
  
• it’s been 2 weeks since i’ve talked to him, it’s the best decision i’ve made in a while. i can finally work on myself instead of a failing relationship
  
• all i needed was for him to give a little of his time and maybe ask how my day was once in a while. i can’t be lonely in this relationship anymore, i’m asking him to move out tonight.
  
• i’m dating a guy who is married w 3 kids. sometimes i'll text his phone when i know he’s sleeping kind of hoping his wife will find out and leave him.
  
• every time i go to church i ask god to give me the strength to not eat.
  
• i haven’t seen or spoken to him in a year and a half. i would still say yes without hesitation if he were to propose today.
  
• when i have a bad day i steal clothes jewelry or makeup to feel better. the worst part is sometimes it works.