i'm a trusting person. at least, i'd like to think that i am. i want to believe in an inherently good and honest nature for people. i want to believe in the benefit of the doubt. i want to think people aren't lying to me just for the sake of lying.

nobody asks to be lied to. i certainly don't. and as part of this project, i trust that when people are sending me texts they are honestly sending me secrets and not just making things up because they are bored.

i got a text recently admitting to just such a thing. the person admitted to sending in up to three or four texts per week and that they were all lies. she said she was bored and wanted something to do so she sent me texts under the guise of them being secrets. this cut me to my core. this shattered my entire illusion that what i was doing was allowing people to get secrets off of their chests, or that i was somehow helping someone get a grasp on the enormity of their feelings because of whatever secret they were hiding.

[i immediately saved the number to my phone in order to identify any more "secrets" she might send in. she sent more. i never posted them.]

in sharing this, i'm not looking for validation, sympathy, solidarity, or anything really. i'd still like to believe i am doing something good. something right. something helpful. i will continue to do this and post secrets as long as they continue to come to me. i guess i'm a bit sad about it though because now i can't help but look at each secret with a cynical eye or with a healthy dose of suspicion. i'm sorry about that. i just can't read them the way i used to. i cannot outright distrust any of you or what you are sharing (i still truly want to believe in the honesty and integrity of the project) but it is telling what one bad apple can do and how easily a bubble can be burst....

as always, thank you all for sharing. here are this week's secrets:

• every time i do something that reminds me of my dad i want to cut myself as a reminder not to ever do it again.
• i want him to get over his shyness. he likes me and i like him and i hate that i’m such an outgoing person and he’s afraid to show it.
• i’m lez
• everyone thinks i lied to him. truth is he’s the only person i’ve been completely honest to.
• i waited too long and now she’s taking you from me. you couldn’t possibly understand how heartbreaking it is but it’s my fault.
• i bailed out on my sisters and some friends tonight (new year’s eve) because i didn’t want to be the only one who had no one to kiss at midnight.
• i almost feel beautiful when i’m practicing kendo. it is also when i feel the most inadequate and ugly.
• i wish we could go back to that day in august. i wish you would talk to me. i wish we could have a second chance. i wish you would be the person you’re afraid to be.
• i’m wondering why i’m even planning on starting the new year when i don’t think i’m going to live until the end of it.
• i’m worried i’ll never get a boyfriend because every new friend i’ve made in the past year is gay and i’m not.
• i’m in love with my best friend. she loves me but i don’t know how to tell her.
• someone once told me, “there is something more to you, and you just have to let people in to let them see it. i’m not sure what it is but i love it” and it bothered me.
  
• i love my boyfriend and have never been happier with anyone else but his kid is a manipulative little monster with a nasty temper and attitude and i don’t know how much longer he will be enough to keep me there dealing with her.
• sometimes i ruin my life just to see if i can fix it.
• i am so bitter.
• i wish i had more friends so i could afford to rent a house and take my pets and me away from the bullshit of my family.
• i just lost my virginity to a boy and the entire time i thought of my ex-girlfriend that i’m still in love with.
• when i move i hope we can build some sort of a relationship. i really hope you’re still alive and i hope you want it as bad as i do.
• i’m more excited when you text me than when my boyfriend does. i’m scared. please don’t make me fall for you.
• i regret putting him up for adoption.
• i recently cut off a dear friend. her judging me more for being kinky than when i dated another woman was the final straw. i’m officially out of the kink closet!
• i honestly think i would give up just about anything to have someone i could call my own. just someone to love.
• while i sat at her funeral today i planned my own suicide down to the minute. i watched her family crying and friends mourning and i realized this isn’t about me and my selfishness it’s about loving her and praising her life despite its length. by the end of the evening i stopped thinking about the glorious ways to poison myself and started living the way she did, full of compassion and love. if i don’t live for me she is my only reason.
• my teacher asked me what i wanted in life in front of 30 peers. i wanted to say that i want every single person in this world to know someone loves them. i told him money instead.
• i texted the boy i like. i told him i like him. i thought i would regret it but in fact i’m glad i did it and it made me feel good.
• i’m still in love with my ex and it’s been over three years. he was my first boyfriend. the first person i told about the cutting. the first person to ever care.
• i’m scared of failing my senior year because no one in my family has ever made it this far. the sad thing is, not only am i handicapped but i have many other obstacles i have to overcome.
• i’m afraid that i’m going to die alone and that no one will love me. what’s wrong with me?
• every day i wonder why i’m such a failure and why i’m alive. then i think of my niece but i’m not sure if i’ll make it past the age of 18. i just turned 17.
• tonight i’ve realized i don’t want death i just want the pain to stop permanently. it won’t. time to make a decision.
• i’m so afraid of failing that i’ve already given up on my future. also, i think i was molested as a kid but i don’t remember.
• i give up. suicide is worth it.
• i hope you get caught. i really do. and since you won’t on your own i might tell her. she has a right to know. merry christmas you imbecile.
• the only way me and my dad bond is when we’re getting high, otherwise we’re fighting.
• i’m afraid i have too much love in my heart for this world.
• i like tentacle porn.
• i have no idea what to do. i’m just so confused and hurt that it makes me sick to my stomach. i wish i could just know the truth.
• i go to the same college my grandma went to. i wish she had left me a journal or something so i could know what it was like when she was here. the only thing i know is that she hated it.
• i really want to be bi but i think my parents would disown me and i would get kicked out of my church.
• they tell me i’m the strongest person they know. at 15 i’ve been through it all. they don’t know i have to sleep with a night light in fear he will kill me.
• my new year’s resolution is to date boys who i’m really interested in for a change.
• even though i gave up on caring about relationships, love, and everything else, i still cry at night because i know i will never have any of it.
• i think guys don’t like me because i’m fat. i’d do anything to be skinny and confident.
• i hate when you don’t talk to me but i ache when you do.
• you were one of my best friends. we’ve grown apart now and i’m not taking the blame. i think you’re annoying and stuck up now and you’re the one that wanted to forget about me. now you’re such good friends with her that when i try to make an effort to talk to you i feel like you’re being fake or just don’t care.
• it’s been seven months and i still hurt because of you every damned day. i try not to care but i do. put half a country between us or half a room and i still feel the same. someone make it stop.
• i’m the one everyone goes to with a problem but for once i wish they would see beyond my happy upbeat personality and realize i need someone to listen to my problems too.
• he broke my heart twice, even after all that i still pray for his safety before mine. i know he doesn't care about me anymore but i still care for him.
• gordon ramsey is hot!
• i always have some fantasy going on in my head. it makes reality a little bit more bearable.
• i'm incredibly in love with my ex and would literally lay my life on the line for her. i would drop everything to be with her at any given moment, all i need is to hear her say she needs me. i just don't know how to tell her.
• i'm really sad because frank took a 'break' from posting secrets on the last sunday i'll ever be on this earth. it's the only thing i'll miss.
• i think my little sister is having sex for money.
• i’m not a lesbian or even bi but i’d give just about anything to fool around with my best friend. i think it’d be fun.
• everyday i get up and fight myself for my own life.
• even though i’m on my period i’m still terribly afraid that i’m pregnant.
• i wanted to tell you yes. yes i am. but this is wrong and i’m sorry. i can’t break his heart. i can’t break your’s. so i’ll just let mine shatter quietly.
• i don’t care if it seems like we’re moving really fast. i’ve never felt so confident of anything in my life. you’re amazing.
• my husband is at war yet i don’t worry about him as much as i think i should. does this make me a bad person?
• my fiance left me tonight and i want to take as many pills as i can to make the pain go away.
• this year, things need to change because i don’t know how much longer i can go on if they don’t.
• my bf is in the military. i cheated on him tonight after he wouldn’t tell a stranger he was taken.
• i miss you. whenever something funny happens or i’m feeling alone i think about calling you. i never do.
• i love him and everyone says we are meant for each other but i think i’m still in love with my ex, too.
• i talk to him everyday because i’m afraid that he’s actually thinking of suicide.
• i love my husband more when i’m sleeping with my mister behind his back.
• i miss you. i want you to be ok.
• i made him suicidal. oh god, please forgive me. it’s my fault if he dies. please take care of him. don’t turn him away. he has such a beautiful soul.
• i think i’m in love with my friend. all i want is for him to be happy. it breaks my heart whenever he is sad and i do everything i can to pick him back up again. i’ll tell him… …someday.
• i’ll be praying for you.
• i told him i don’t want to have sex until i’m married but that’s a lie. i just want to wait until the time feels right.
• i want to take my anorexia to the next stage but every time i try i feel like a failure because nothing comes up.
• i don’t know if i want to get better because i think i will hate the better me as much as i hate the depressed me.
• i love college and i’m excited to teach soon but i’d give it all up to be a mommy. i can’t wait. i don’t care if there’s a ring or a husband.
• i’m waiting for our cycle to start again.
• i want to be able to say something to make you smile, cheer you up, give you hope, but i don’t know what you need to hear. i’m sorry.
• the only reason i watch "the fairly odd parents", is so that i can dream about what i would wish for if fairy god parents were real.
• the more you told me you loved me, the more i fucking hated you. thanks for nothing.
• he loves me! i know! i tell him about my boyfriends. i want him to hate me! it would be easier then disappointing him and never meeting up to his expectations as a lover! you see: i love him too, and i can never be what he wants me to be!
• whenever i go to a concert i always expect something special to happen and when it doesn’t i don’t like the band as much afterwards. i feel shallow for that.
• he broke my heart and i forgave him. now he wants it back and i’m afraid i don’t have the power to say no.
• i need to make money and i feel like the only way i can make that money is to sell myself.
• worst idea ever: leaving my fiance for my best friend.
• him loving me is not the threat to the future of your relationship. him not loving you is though.
• i’m happy he is gone.
• my new year’s resolution is to stop being so insecure. i won’t ruin the best relationship i’ve ever had because of my lack of confidence.
• i’m still in love with him but he’s engaged to the girl he cheated on me with.
• i can’t look my dad in the eyes after he caught me in the shower with my boyfriend seven months ago.
• i’m as close to suicidal as i’ve ever been.
• i have unprotected sex with multiple men. if they ask me if i’m fucking someone else i tell them the truth but if they ask about protection i lie so they’ll keep fucking me without a condom. it also seems to make them feel special that i’d be willing to do that for them. i’m an rn and i know better but i don’t care.
• i’m in love with my best friend but he’s gay and will never love me as more than a friend because i am a woman.
• everyone thinks i’m a goody good because i won’t smoke weed. the only reason i don’t is because i don’t want to be like my parents and ruin my child’s life to get high.
• i want to be a surrogate mom for my friend but i’m afraid it’s only because i want to sleep with her husband

textsecret

i pray everyone will have a safe new year's eve and that the new year brings some relief from the burden of the secrets we carry.

as always, thank you for sharing...

here are this week's secrets:

• to whom ever is waiting until after the holidays to kill yourself, please don’t. i wish i knew who you were.
• i can’t feel it.
• there were two of us at work who were spending christmas alone. only she was invited to anyone's house. i hate my co-workers.
• i am the happiest i have ever been and it’s because of you. but you’re leaving saturday. my heart is breaking knowing i won’t see you for four months. you’re amazing.
• for christmas, my brother got everything i need to pursue my dream. i no longer have any hope for life.
• i want to be an english teacher when i’m older. i’m so happy i’ve finally figured out what i want to do.
• i think my best friend is starting to realize that she is becoming less and less important to me and it’s actually hurting me more than i thought it would.
• i am always scared that people are dead when they are actually sleeping so i always have to check to see if they are breathing or wake them.
• i live for the future because i have nothing that is holding me to the present.
• i’m 16 and i don’t know how to talk to my dad. the only way we connect is through the music he liked when he was a kid.
• don’t you see how uncomfortable i get when you talk to me about other girls? did you ever wonder why? it’s because i still like you.
• meeting him is the best christmas gift.
• she is always on my mind. i wish she would believe the things i say to her. i’m not the giant sweet-talker she thinks i am. i just can’t get over her that easily.
• i always say that honesty is the best policy but i feel like a hypocrite because i have seen secrets that nobody knows and i lie to myself every day.
• when my brother died, i wished it was my mother.
• i wish i were chinese so i could communicate and thus connect better with my boyfriend.
• i’ve known him for a while but now we are finally getting to know each other. i don’t know why i can’t stop thinking about him. i’ve never felt this way before.
• my ex dumped me because i wouldn’t let him have friends who were girls. i thought he cheated but i was wrong. we want to get back together but i’m too ashamed.
• i think i’m lost.
• i want to die.
• every time i get into the car i hope someone will hit me so i don’t have to kill myself.
• i’ve been to hell and back. the worst of my secrets? i’m in love. my heart isn’t made of stone. i feel stupid and weak – submissive. this isn’t me.
• i wish i had gone to my dad’s for christmas this year. i can’t wait for this day to be over.
• i’ll never be good enough for him even though he tells me i am.
• i hate christmas.
• it’s christmas eve and i can’t wait for my sister and brother to wake up and open the presents i got them. i don’t even care what i got. their smiles will be worth it!
• the only time i’ve felt truly loved is when my uncle molested me.
• it’s going to be the worst christmas without you here. i miss you so much daddy.
• disappointing my mother is worse than making her upset. i got two f’s my first semester in college. i’m afraid to tell her.
• i’m starting to think i love my online bf more than i will ever love my husband.
• i’m more excited than scared that i might be pregnant. i just don’t know how to tell my parents.
• i hate my feminist friend. i think she is an annoying, hypocritical bitch!
• my boyfriend has all of the missing qualities that i wanted for my ex but he doesn’t have some of the qualities that i liked.
• i had unprotected sex with an ex for five years and never got pregnant. my boyfriend of 18 months and i have had unprotected sex for 3 months and i might be pregnant.
• i’m afraid the past will catch up with me and he will find out i kissed his close friends, 3 months after he broke up with me.
• i’ve been cutting off and on for six years now. no one knows. even those who have seen every inch of me. my little sister is supposed to be the weak one.
• please don’t tell. let me keep the tiny bit of self-control i have. i need this. this is the only thing that comforts me.
• i’m sorry that i write on all of the receipts that you’re supposed to take to court.
• even though it was a lie, i almost wish it was the truth so i wouldn’t have to be friends with you.
• if she keeps acting like this I will stop talking to her. she hasn’t changed a bit.
• i buy damaged objects because i feel bad choosing the perfect ones over them. i’m damaged too after all.
• i haven’t told anyone about being sexually assaulted at a party because i should have been smart enough not to leave my drink alone.
• as much as i don’t want to admit this, his un-employment is affecting our relationship. i love him with all of my heart and will not leave him but the pressure of being the bread winner is beginning to take its toll.
• my favorite place to read is on the toilet.
• i kinda wish boys really did have cooties.
• my friend and i fooled around a month after she got married. now she thinks she is bi.
• i don’t want to regret him but i would trade it all to be with you. i’m afraid that my silence then is the reason for yours now. i miss you.
• i am in love with my best friend. i keep walking away but it’s like being tied to a rubber band. i just want to curl up and die because he can’t love me.
• i feel like i can’t get enough air into my lungs and i’m constantly on the verge of suffocating. i have no idea. it keeps me up at night.
• i wish my mom & step dad could disappear so the abuse could stop.
• i have a tendency to get attached to every guy who enters my life.
• i left him and moved to another state hoping it would be better. i still love him and want him back. i don’t think he wants me anymore. all i do is cry.
• i'm scared of sleeping directly underneath a fan. i can't stand it. i get freaked that it might fall down and chop me up. i lay awake for hours if i'm under a fan
• i want him all the time... he wont escape my thoughts.
• you’re going into the army. you’re my suicidal soldier. i still can’t say i love you and want you to stay. i love you. always will. please come home.
• i get sad every time i read that someone else wants to kill themselves. i wish i could stop everyone from suicide.
• i’m incredibly risque in the hopes of getting raped so i can blame not being a virgin on someone besides myself.
• i was scared. i’m sorry i turned away.
• i try to be bulimic but it just doesn’t work. how hard can it be to shove a finger down your throat?
• i was best friends with a girl i thought i’d never be friends with and i kinda had a crush on her. i’m a girl and i don’t like girls. she never knew until after we stopped being friends. it took me almost a year to get over. i hate her.

i've received more picture texts this week, and i am excited to share them, but i am having a bit of a time posting them so they will have to wait for now. i'm sorry. if you wish to email me a picture with a secret, my address is: iwii@yahoo.com. i will continue working on the problem and try to get them all up next week.

a few things i have learned in my 38 years:

1. you cannot base your faith on conditions of reward, wish fulfillment, or proof. you either have faith or you don’t.
2. to be honestly apologetic, the words, “i’m sorry”, cannot be followed by the word, “but” (i.e. “i’m sorry i kicked you in the shin, but you had it coming” or; “i’m sorry that i cheated on you, but she was all over me and i was drunk”). the word “but” essentially cancels out the apology by creating a disclaimer that, whatever the apology was for, wasn’t really your fault anyway.
3. irregardless is not a word
4. when shopping for gifts, we spend far too much time concerned about if the person will like it or not. If a person doesn’t like a gift i got for them, they can toss it for all i care. it truly is the thought that counts and if you can’t appreciate that someone went out of their way to get you a gift then you probably don’t deserve a gift in the first place.
5. for some reason, i maintain an infinite level of patience in order to help others with their problems and sincerely believe the advice i dole out is best for them, but i’m convinced my own advice would never work for me.
6. finding a good therapist is very difficult, but so worth it.
7. an economy cannot be “grown”. nor can a business, customer base, government services, or many other things. these all can be strengthened, built, increased, or fortified, but never grown.
8. my self-esteem has no concept of any logic based in a reality outside of my head.

as always, thank you all again for sharing your secrets. here they are for this week:

• my mom’s best friend died from an overdose. her husband is the one suspected to have done it. i have a crush on him... i always hope i run into him. i know this is horrible but i can’t help myself... he was always so nice to me
• i’m scared i’m never going to find the guy of my dreams. i have a boyfriend, and i have a son with him but i don’t think he is the one.
• he treated me like shit and left me heartbroken and crying but i’d give up the man who treats me like a goddess now for one more chance with him.
• my best friend of 12 years doesn’t call me or hang out with me anymore. he’s too busy with his gf to care i guess. he never tells me that i mean anything to him.
• i’m attracted to the man who allegedly overdosed my friend.
• i found gay porn on your computer. you said it was a virus. i hope that was the truth. i love you too much. i don’t want to lose you.
• i can’t stop thinking about him. at school i scan the hallways and lunchroom for him. i feel like such a whore.
• she said she was late. so was i. he freaked so we took a break. he said he would be with her if she was pregnant. She wasn’t. I was. I lost the baby and him.
• i have more reasons to cut now than when i was doing it. i’m afraid of starting again.
• i hate that i love him but i wouldn’t love to hate him.
• i’m so happy I responded to her text. she has been a bright light in my dark world ever since. It breaks my heart to think we might never be together
• i talk to people that aren’t real when no one’s around. at least my imaginary friends are always there for me.
• the guys i sleep with don’t use condoms. i’m not on birth control. i am completely clean and disease free. i haven’t ever been pregnant. either i’m just really lucky or it will turn out that i can’t have kids.
• i killed my goldfish on purpose.
• as my parents are getting ready to put me into an institution i’m realizing that suicide probably is the answer.
• i wish that just one of my more mundane fantasies would come true. then i could believe in god’s goodness again.
• i told my parents that i cut myself because of stuff with friends and school just because i didn’t want to hurt them by telling them they were the real reason.
• i don’t like you like that anymore. good luck with your life.
• your thoughts of suicide are bullshit. don’t lie about that. you know who you are.
• you replaced me with her, tell her you love her. you tell me you want me to stop being in your life and even to stop looking at you. i’m sorry. i’ll always love you.
• i think my best friend tried to tell me he likes me tonight. i hope he tries again.
• i’ve just been fired and i don’t know how to tell my parents. i’ve worked at different places over the last ten years but i’ve never been fired. i feel like a failure.
• i’m in love with my 30 year old girlfriend but she doesn’t know how to budget money, take out the trash, or wash a god damned dish. i’m not sure if i can stay with her.
• everyone tells me i am too good for him. he hurt me because of another girl. i still want him.
• i write him text messages i will never send. i doubt he’d even care if i did.
• i just found out today that my favorite grandma died in 2003.
• i want to kill myself.
• i texted her today to see if she was even alive. after not talking to her for so long i feared she had killed herself. she’s alive. i’m slightly disappointed.
• i had a miscarriage and i didn’t even tell him i was pregnant.
• i am waiting until after the holidays to kill myself. i’m just tired of living.
• i’m a 23 year old guy who has always dated women. i’m learning that i’m willing to put up with things that i shouldn’t when dating a guy because they are harder to find.
• i sometimes have a rush of hatred towards people with a passion.
• i don’t know how 2 say yes.
• he is no you, baby.
• i’m sorry i cheated but the cheating was the best 3 months of my life.
• i don’t have the power to hate my mother. she went through hell and back to have me. i do honestly think i could hate my dad. i really have no reason not to except that hate is a sin.
• i keep messing up and when i try harder not to i mess up even more.
• i just bought a shirt for myself with the money my mom gave me to buy my little sister a christmas present.
• i loved my dad a lot. now he’s sick and dying and it feels like he’s already dead. i can’t say if i love him at all anymore.
• i read because i prefer the books to reality. sometimes i wish something or someone would take me away on my own adventure. i just don't want to live this 'normal' life anymore.
• you say i’m the most beautiful girl in the world. but when we get naked, don't think i don't notice how you look at my scars like they're the most disgusting thing on earth.
• my mom gave me to my grandma so she could raise me....but kept my sister and brother. i love my childhood...but still it hurts.
• i finally figured out that my biggest fear isn’t losing him but forgetting him and of that i am truly terrified.
• my fiance died almost 2 years ago. i overheard some of my family talking about me the other day wondering if my heart will ever work right again... i wonder the same everyday, but it hurts to hear other people say it.
• i tell my boyfriend that i’m ugly just so i can hear him say i’m pretty…
• you ask me why i think i’m not good enough for you. i tell you it's because i’m crazy. you say i’m not. you don't know that i still cut myself, still starve myself, have unbearable mood swings, and abuse my mother's medication. seriously, sweetheart, you have no idea.
• i say I hate you because i’m afraid of loving you.
• we may not like the same composers but we both like hot cheetos and monsters and i love her even with our differences.
• i thought i loved my ex. i wanted a future with him. he didn’t feel the same.
• i have never done drugs or had sex; everyone just assumes the worst about me.
• i lost my virginity to my best friend’s boyfriend. i had only met him two weeks before.
• i’m marrying a boy i’m not sure i love because i don’t know if anyone else would ever marry me.
• i started new antidepressant meds today. it’s the first time i’ve needed any. i’m really glad to have the help. and i like having an excuse for a sluggish mind.
• i lost my virginity to a man who is twice my age that i met on myspace.
• i have sex with guys because it feels better than being alone in my own bed even if it doesn’t last long.
• if i was not beautiful, i would have no other reason to live.
• i honestly don’t think i could so much as look at you anymore if you fell in love with someone else. i still love you. we cant just give up.
• when i was pretending to be straight, i cheated on my girlfriend with her male friend. they are now dating and i can’t wait to tell her.
• i see pictures of you on facebook with your other cousins. do you remember me?
• i’m scared everyday that he will leave me again. i stopped eating and sleeping and i feel numb. i wish he would assure me i have nothing to worry about.
• i was awake during half the time that she was revealing her thoughts because she thought i was asleep
• i’m perfectly happy alone. i’m not jealous of my friends in relationships i’m actually sad for them for not understanding how beautiful loving yourself is.
• i want to cut out my intestines so i can’t eat and can then lose weight.
• i could never be more ashamed of myself than i am when i eat. i have no self-control without drugs to rely on. when i eat i don’t feel i deserve any form of affection.
• if something were to happen to him i would regret it to the point of knowing i couldn’t even get out of bed in the morning. i call it love.
• my best friend doesn’t know that i’m in love with him. he doesn’t even know that i’m gay.
• i hate her for making him miserable but i hate even more that i understand what she is doing.
• i want a baby. i’m 21 and i know i can’t take care of one but all of my friends have them or are pregnant and i’m jealous.
• i’m afraid of growing old alone.
• i would kill to know what goes on in his head when he is looking at me. i feel like he reads my emotions even though i try to hide them. it’s comforting.
• his name was mike and he single-handedly destroyed me. i hope i pop into his head at the worst possible times and that, even for a second, he misses me.
• i just found out my daughter is autistic. i act strong but, in truth, i want to cry every time i look at her.
• we broke up a year ago on our one year anniversary. he is dating the girl he cheated on me with but now he cheats on her with me.
• i hate waiting for, “i love you”.
• my dad is an alcoholic and he throws stuff at me. mom was my only hope and now she’s having an affair on the neighbor and partying every night. i’m giving up on life.
• i’m scared that i’m losing my best friend. he is also my ex, and my son’s father. he is moving to florida because i won’t be with him. being a teen parent is hard.
• i am in love with my child’s doctor who is 22 years older than me.
• i feel better having read your blog. it feels like i’m getting a glimpse into the future. i am waiting t see how you do. i feel i’m where you were a year ago.
• my boyfriend bought me a ring to show me how much he wants us to be together. it’s cute but i think he’s over his head, plus there’s the fact i am in love with another boy.
• i wish i could find my old razor… it would feel so good to fall again.
• i found out i’m not pregnant. even though i’m still a teen i’m kind of bummed.
• mom, you should have had an abortion. i promise things would have been easier that way.
• i’m in love. someone out there does love you. don’t give up. i didn’t.
• everyday i dream of ways you’ll break up with him and come back to me. i’m still waiting for you.
• i’m falling for a boy who lives 3000 miles away. i feel really hurt when he doesn’t say anything especially flirty when we talk, but i know nothing can happen because of the distance. i don’t like caring so much, it can only lead to pain, but what can i do?
• sometimes i want to kill myself because i’m afraid to go on with my life.
• we’ve only been talking for 2 weeks but 2 nights ago he slipped and said he loved me when i was leaving. i just wish he really meant it. at least then i wouldn’t have false hope.
• today i heard my mom and sister talking and laughing about me. i want to cut again.
• i wish she would tell me she loves me

i got my first picture secret!

here are this week's secrets. thank you all again for sharing.

• i clicked on your page to tell you a secret but i got too distracted by all of the pictures on your page. hope you have a good weekend
• “we’re one mistake from being together but let’s not ask why it’s not right you won’t be 17 forever and we can get away with this tonight.” this song fits my situation.
• when my mother asked if the fact that he molested me was the reason i cut, i lied. he ruined my life. thanks for believing me, though, mom.
• i wish my parents would have taken a stronger stand with me in high school. they knew i had depression and eating problems and would express their worry and tell me i should get help but didn’t act on this.
• i had sex with my best friend’s mom. she was my first.
• i wish i could tell you how i felt and you’d feel the same. i wish you could be here for me. i wish you could be someone you’re not.
• i’m so lazy and tired that i barely even shower anymore and my friends have no clue.
• say the word and i’ll quit my job and move to boston for you. the only changes i want to make are so i will fit the mold of some perfect arm-candy for you.
• everyday i get closer to killing myself. the feeling of hopelessness is just too much for me.
• my dad has only a year to live but i wish he would die today.
• i saw your secret. you’re so selfish for thinking that way. i’ve gotten over my suicide fantasies because of him. don’t ruin it for me.
• i’m a straight girl but i watch lesbian porn because i hate the way women are portrayed in hetero porn.
• each day, the eating disorder my mother thinks i’m over gets worse. my doctor told me to return in a month to see if i had improved. that was over a year ago. i’m always sick and i miss school with pathetic excuses and my depression is beginning to show through. i’m so scared.
• i’m too intrigued by her boyfriend.
• i’m in total love with my best friend but i can’t tell her. it’s just too hard.
• i really like him and i know he likes me but we can’t bring ourselves to say it to each other and i fear it won’t go any farther than this.
• i think about my daddy and uncle when i masturbate.
• i smile real big and pretend to be happy when i’m at work dealing with customers. really, i just want to crawl under a rack of clothes and cry.
• every secret about someone missing someone else gives me hope that he might miss me too but is too afraid to tell me like i am too afraid to tell him.
• seeing everyone posting their numbers makes me want to cry. i wish i could be friends with everyone.
• sometimes i wish i never met you. but other times i think of how you’re probably the only person in my life that i would jump on front of a bullet for.
• after fasting for 29 hours i lost 3.5 pounds. i plan to do it again this week. i’ve cut myself over 300 times and i don’t want to stop.
• i still love him.
• i love the song “mmmbop” by hanson!
• whenever i see my best friend’s innocent smile i remember how everyone can be easily hurt no matter how hard they act and how much it hurts to fall in love.
• i want a fresh start but i can’t let him go unless i have someone to take his place. losing his 200 texts a day scares me to death.
• i would give anything for him to talk to me right now. more than that, i just want to see him and hug him. to me that would cure this weak feeling inside of me.
• at this moment in my life i have never felt so powerless, vulnerable, and weak. i feel like i’m disappointing everybody. i want to tell someone how lonely i am.
• i will never be good enough.
• i worry i’m incapable of love. every relationship that starts as love quickly devolves into lust. do i use his emotions to get his body?
• i’ve lost almost all trust in you.
• after being the scared little victim for years i’m finally angry. i want him to be violated too. i fantasize about his death. this sudden hatred scares me.
• i have anxiety depression and constant panic attacks and i can hardly stand the thought of eating anymore and i just want one person to reach out and stay.
• every time i am walking somewhere i still wish he would drive by, realize it’s me, and stop to say hello. i know it will never happen again.
• i hate when people call me a whore or crazy because i’m afraid that it’s true.
• i’m such a cougar and it’s thrilling!
• i’ve been with my boyfriend for over two years. he scares me but i’m even more terrified of what will happen if i leave.
• i hate how everyone feels that receiving love is so necessary when loving others is so much more important.
• more than the guy who got me into drugs, i hate my high school friends who weren’t there for me at my downfall.
• i started cutting again.
• i tell my friends that i would never be the other girl but i really love it because it makes me feel pretty knowing that even though they have a girlfriend they still want me and are willing to mess up a relationship for it. i know it’s bad but that makes it more fun.
• i’m terrified people will think i’m a slut because my best friends are boys. i’m also scared people will think i am in love with my best friend, and some think he loves me, but i just want to be his friend forever.
• i want to tell them all it will be okay. i made small goals to get through each day and before i knew it a year had passed and my problems weren’t so bad. i finally felt like i could handle them.
• i want to have sex with all of my brother’s friends.
• i wish i could stop talking to everyone and just keep to myself. i don’t because of him. he’s the only one who’s made me feel worth it and been there for me.
• i can feel myself changing into a different type of person and i am really excited.
• tonight, everyone from work is going to a christmas event downtown; everyone and their significant others. i feel so left out. when will it be my turn?
• i feel lonely.
• you’re the biggest shithead i know but i’ll try not to give up on you.
• i think i may be pregnant and i’m only a teen but i have a positive outlook about it.
• i try so hard to be everyone’s “go to” when they need anything. that’s all i ever wanted, to be there for everyone, but i feel i don’t do a good enough job.
• i let my dog lick me down there!
• i’ve known him for a week and he has changed my life. i’m so happy i found him and i don’t care what anyone thinks.
• i still blame myself for you losing your baby. if i hadn’t said it might be better without him he would be here in your arms now.
• i’m bi and i wanted to tell my friend (who is also bi) all weekend long but i wasn’t sure if i was ready to tell anyone. i still want to tell her but i can’t.
• i’m sick of being 2nd best.
• i can’t tell my dad i’m gay because i feel like i’m letting him down. how can i tell him he won’t be walking his daughter down the aisle?
• he broke my heart then told me he loved me and needed me back. i gave in because i don’t have enough respect for myself to think i might find someone else that loves me.
• i settle for less because if i have more i will forever be afraid someone will steal it from me.
• i fell in love with you when you took me to get a christmas tree with your family. i finally felt like i belonged somewhere.
• i hate that my brother is home for the holidays. he ruined my life. he doesn’t deserve to be home. i don’t care if he’s paying for my therapy.
• overly religious people annoy me more than i can express. i can't decide if it's because i hate their enthusiasm and certainty about something that can't be proven, or if it's because i envy it.
• i hate my best friend of 12 years because she is fucking my supposedly "gay" other best friend....
• i don’t know why i’m taking the pills. i don’t think i want to be better. i honestly want to feed an addiction, create something beautiful, and go out with a bang
• the fact that i have no gag reflex is eating me up right now.
• i wish you were waiting for me at home with lots of hugs and kisses.
• i feel like it’s my job to fix the world’s problems.
• i’m terrified that i’m falling for this guy and he doesn’t feel the same way. i’m paranoid that i’m rushing into this and am going to get pushed away.
• i want to kill myself but i’m afraid i’ll fail at that also.
• i’ll do anything to stop feeling like i’m losing you to everyone around me. i miss you more than you could possibly comprehend even though you’re right next to me.
• my best friend lost her virginity to a one night stand. i told her i wasn’t disappointed and that i didn’t think any less of her. i lied.
• when he said he felt weird about us, in my mind all i could do was agree. i hope it works out.
• i hope you're not gay and i wish i had never seen those pictures on your computer.
• i laugh and roll my eyes at the fickleness of men but deep down it hurts that i was replaced so quickly.

i'm sorry this is a bit late. i know for some readers this is being posted after midnight on the 9th. computer problems and all. i try. i really do.

i did have something all typed up to put in this space. stuff about trust and honesty but i'm not using my regular computer so i don't have that file with me. i will post it next week.

i was very pleased with the thanksgiving challenge last week so i think i will start incorporating that into a regular feature. it most likely won't be weekly. probably once a month will be all i can do to come up with good challenges that a good number of folks will be interested in responding to. i want to try to keep them topical and seasonal also. this is a bit of a challenge for myself so you all will just have to stay tuned to see how i do.

thank you again for trusting me with your secrets. keep telling folks about the project please. tell them about postsecret and textsecret. encourage them to participate and subscribe. and please, if you are thinking of hurting yourself or are hurting yourself currently, ask for help and get treatment. so much help is available you just need to ask.

have a safe week...

here are this week's secrets...

• after years of letting acne destroy my life accutane saved me. i don't care about the risks and side effects. it was sooo worth it. i finally feel beautiful.
• i go through my ex's comments and top friends and automatically hate every girl on there, no matter who they are, out of mad jealousy.
• i'm angry at myself for really falling for him and being stupid enough to still love him after he left me.
• i wish the texts about being in love with a best friend were about me.
• i think about him 24/7 and sometimes i think he loves me too…
• i wish you would tell me what is under your bed...
• i despise someone i've never met and i hope he's miserable every single day.
• i wish i was disciplined enough to have an eating disorder so i can finally be thin enough to love myself.
• i'm 18, i might be pregnant, and even though i am young, i will take the best damn care of this kid as i possibly can.
• i tried not to fall so hard this time, but i did. he made it easy to want to love him. he broke my heart, and even though i still love him,
• i will never forgive him.
• i moved to oregon to live with my mom and dad and run away from a broken heart. the pain in georgia is still with me here. now i just want to kill myself so i don't have to cry every night.
• i tried to kill myself. i'm 13. i'm truly broken that it didn't work, but i would never try again, because i'm scared of what my mother would think. she scares me so much.
• i hate my best friend's boyfriend because now she would rather be with him. i liked it better when they were broken up during the summer.
• i hope we don't qualify to rent the house so that i won't have to see my sister cry because she'll miss me i think i'll miss her most.
• i think i'm starting to fall in love with an older boy. he makes me feel so special and loved. i'm more excited about the possibilities with him than anything.
• sometimes i wonder if she thinks about me the same way i think about her. hopefully i'll have the guts to do what i've been dying to do for so long.
• i'm lost and alone.
• i think i have a hair fetish.
• i've been a prima ballerina for 16 years and never felt pressured to lose weight. i have a huge show in two weeks. i will starve myself until then.
• everyday i fight my desires in order to remain sane just because my fantasies are considered deviant.
• to the 29 year old afraid of the dark: i'm 33 and push my dresser in front of my bedroom door every night because the dark outside of my room terrifies me so much.
• i had a miscarriage last summer but i didn't even tell anyone i was pregnant because i wasn't sure who the daddy was.
• i'm waiting until the final minute to do all of my final projects for this semester. i've never felt such a rush.
• i'm in love with two people but engaged to only one.
• kiss me like you mean it!
• i like textsecret best because my secrets get posted unlike postsecret where i'm never good enough.
• i have terrifying dreams of murderers and stalkers that turn into waking nightmares when i wake up but can't move at all and am still dreaming.
• i pretend to be happy so i don't make my friends feel bad. i see them happy and it makes me feel even worse. i'm afraid i'll always be this lonely.
• it's ok if he doesn't love me but if i tell him then i'll know for certain and i'll know he's too good for me; just like his friends tell him.
• i got high with my dad and not even my best friend knows.
• she makes me want to hurt her or, even more so, myself. i've thought about suicide just so i won't have to listen.
• i still love you x. i'm not over this and i'm afraid i never will be.
• i cry every time i take a pregnancy test and it comes back negative. it makes me feel like a failure as a woman.
• you never gave me closure and i need it so bad….
• while i was winning races and getting a's in school he was slipping through the cracks and needed help but no one noticed. last night he got arrested.
• on my sweet16 i was 86 pounds and one of the unhappiest people i knew. by my 17th i hope to have lost 10 more pounds.
• one day im gonna stand up and punch that kid who teases the quiet girls in study hall in the face.
• i'm terrified to delete the pictures off of my phone and computer in case the people in them die and i'll never see them again.
• my dad died two weeks before my 18th birthday. 2 days before he die i told him i hated him. it was the only time i had ever told him that. i blame myself. i'm sorry.
• my morbidity frightens me.
• i love my bf so much i want us to have a future together. get married, have kids, and everything. i'm only sixteen though.
• i think I'm in love with him (and it terrifies me).
• i'm sweaty, been up for 18 hours, and starving. i had my first dance recital tonight and the way my bf looked at me when i was up there made me feel beautiful again.
• i stay up all night hoping to hear the words, "you're beautiful" from anyone. i have extremely low self-esteem.
• i don't cut because i'm sad, i cut because it pleasures me. the best place to cut is the hip bone. two slices a night seems a fair reward for each day i endure.
• i only stand for the pledge of allegiance because of my airman. he defends my freedom and i stand to honor him.
• when ppl ask why we aren't dating i just laugh and say because we're bffs. really i want to scream, "i don't know! i fucking love him!" and i really hope he loves me the same.
• i peed the bed once and blamed the dog.
• "did my heart love until now? forswear it for i never saw true beauty till this night" is how i felt the first time i saw him and that hasn't changed even after 6 months.
• i keep looking for love in all of the wrong places. the only reason i keep looking is because when i was in love was the only time i've ever been happy.
• even though it's been seven months, i still think about you every single day.
• i don't open up well and i'm afraid it will ruin my relationship someday. i'm only open and honest when i text strangers.
• i'm sick of being ditched because her mom likes those friends better.
• i'm scared for my friend, that he will hurt himself and i won't be able to help. he's pushed me away and i don't know where he is.
• i love you but because you're a boy and i'm a girl ppl think it's a romantic love. you're a great friend who makes me feel useful and i'm happy to be here to save you.
• my exbf says he loves his new gf all the while keeping a huge secret from her; me.
• i'm falling in love again and i thought i never would. it might be because he reminds me of my first love. i hope he stays with me.
• i just tricked my best friend into telling me her darkest secrets.
• i don't trust anyone.
• i am 20 and have never been kissed or done anything with a guy because i'm always told my friend is hot instead of me. i'm afraid i never will.
• i heard the old conway twitty song "it's only make believe" and realized it is exactly us, or me, and i don't know what to do about it.
• what scared me most when i was waking was when i realized i would never be able to take my life. now i have nothing to get me through the days.
• if i were removed from the equation the world would be a better place.
• i miss her so much and wish we could rewind and do it all again. i want to tell her but i'm afraid she doesn't want me anymore.
• you told me how you feel but you haven't proven it. until you can make me feel special again i won't believe you.
• i've had sex with my sister's ex twice now. it would kill her if she knew. i'm not attracted to him, i just need a warm body next to me sometimes.
• i love her more than life itself but i sometimes get scared that i'm not really gay.
• i feel like a horrible person for thinking my friend is annoying when she goes on about what happened to her.
• i pray everyday that i'll get into a fatal accident because i don't have the balls to off myself.
• my ex asked if i had sent nude pics of myself to a friend and i lied and said no. i didn't want him to know and think i'm a slut because i still love him and want him back.
• you were right. i am giving up on you.
• i've never tried to kill myself and i'm not in love with anyone. i feel very alone reading this blog.
• i must clean. dust is the devil's snow.
• i love my bf but i seek attention from random guys because i'm so insecure. i wish i could change.
• i still get giddy when he calls even if i'm mad at him. i just can't help it.
• my mind is so capable of dark and twisted thought it scares me.

textsecret

sorry, i'm not much feeling like commenting today or leaving you with a story. i had actually written something out about halloween and masks and whatnot but it looks as though my computer has destroyed it for some reason. well, here are this week's secrets. thank you all for sharing!

• i’m jealous of all of my friends who are in love. i’m wondering when it will be my turn. i secretly think i make myself unlovable to guys i don’t want to love.
• this is the third time i‘ve fallen in love with a teacher.
• my bro-in-law just recently got fired. i’m secretly happy that he did because he can be such a jerk sometimes.
• i have to go get a sonogram on wednesday and i’m scared for the worst (it’s not for pregnancy it’s for stomach pains)
• i’m 16 and pregnant and everyday i feel more and more guilty about being excited for her arrival.
• i text you so that you know someone always cares
• he raped me and abused me for years before i left him. he’s the only man i’ve ever loved. i’m 28 now and i’m engaged to someone else but i still see his face everyday.
• xxxx is no longer the only person i’ve kissed in over three years.
• i don’t ever feel like crying. i’m just numb.
• i think i make myself sad sometimes because i’m worried that i have forgotten what it feels like and feeling sad is better than feeling nothing at all.
• i don’t tell people my real secrets. it can’t help because no one really knows me. they couldn’t and probably wouldn’t ever want to
• last summer i met a guy online who is 20 years older than me. we had sex. i still don’t know his name.
• my glass is half full and i’m still not satisfied.
• i loved her with everything i had and when she got with him it killed me inside. now she realizes she’s still in love with me so i tell her i love her too even though i don’t. it makes me feel vindicated to be so cold and callous to her.
• everyday i wish it was me that got killed instead of my brother… i think he would have made something more of himself than i did.
• sometimes i just want to run away.
• i don’t love my mother.
• every time i read a secret about husbands and wives cheating on each other it scares me and makes me never want to get married.
• i’ve changed. i miss who i used to be and don’t like the way i’ve become.
• i am in love with my best guy friend whom i have never met in person. problem is he’s in a well known and some days i think he forgets about me.
• he chose his dying relationship with her rather than our blossoming friendship. when i see him now i just want to cry.
• i should never drink. everyone in my family is addicted to something. i just can’t say no. i’m worried.
• i enjoy being the other girl. it excites me more than you could ever imagine. the last three guys i’ve been with have been in relationships and 1 has kids.
• i will never be good enough but i am too afraid to leave.
• i constantly think about what things would be like if you did kiss me that night at the rave. i haven’t stopped hoping for another opportunity like that since then.
• i never thought it would hurt so bad to not be able to say i love you because nether of us will be first to say it. i wish i had the guts to change it.
• it’s all crashing down again and i don’t think i’m going to be able to pick up the pieces this time.
• sometimes i thank him for teaching me a lesson the hard way. he taught me self respect and got me to drop the blade. thanks for telling me i’m good for nothing.
• i’m so scared since after we spent the night together that he’s just going to break up with me and i really love him.
• i’m afraid of being alone but i can’t stand being vulnerable to anybody. i’m my own worst enemy and i don’t know how to fix it. i’m the person everybody thinks has it all together and they go to for advice. they have no idea that inside of me i’m totally shattered.
• i found the secret to happiness: finding the 1 man in the world u could spend everyday with and never get tired of him and clinging to him like u only have today.
• i don’t think i will ever tell him what happened that day.
• my exbf michael david is a self-obsessed asshole. his youtube account is worthlessperson13 and it’s as worthless a vlog as his name suggests.
• when she lost interest in me i lost interest in living.
• i’m scared that after twenty years my family still doesn’t know who i am and who i want to be.
• i’m afraid no man will ever love me.
• i masturbate at work - like an orgasm to pick up a bad day.
• i accept that i will never be truly happy again and it doesn’t bother me.
• my brother and i have been having sex for three months now - it's amazing!

this past weekend, frank posted a secret from a person who had participated in the textsecret experiment. she (i presume 98% of participants are female) received a text from a pedophile and it brought up all sorts of emotions as she is a survivor of abuse.

frank asked if this was a common occurrence and for folks to share their experiences in the comments. many people voiced concern, disappointment, and even outrage that frank had allowed minors to post their phone numbers and suggested that this was a bad idea from the beginning. one particularly inarticulate, yet persistent and annoying, commenter demanded frank delete the blog and not allow anyone else to post phone numbers again. there were also many that confirmed the positive experience had by the majority of those who had participated.

i did receive a text from a person i would consider a pedophile. i dealt with the text and the textor in a way i found satisfactory and i moved on.

there is only so much that can be done in this situation. i know that frank i not to blame. i always believe that parents should be more aware of what their kids are doing. i don't think that there were predators lurking on myspace or on the postsecret blog waiting to victimize unsuspecting kids simply wanting to share secrets.

i think this is a good thing. i think this is another outlet for the postsecret community. i think this is a good thing for me personally though i haven't quite figured out the therapeutic benefits of accepting and publishing the secrets of others.

i hope that you all continue on. i hope that you tell others. i hope that frank soldiers on, but i'm sure he will. postsecret has an inherent trust in humanity and that has been extended into the textsecret experiment. bad apples will appear along the road. but if only one bad apple appears every hundred miles or so, that seems like a pretty darn clean road.

thank you all for sharing again. i hope you are well. please don't forget that there is always help.

an interesting blog about one person’s textsecret experience

this week's secrets:

• i just bought my first house and when everyone tells me how proud they are i did it alone i cringe… we were looking at houses 2 weeks before he found out the girl he was cheating on me with was pregnant with his child.
• i don’t think that i’ll ever be ok without taking drugs. i don’t really do them for fun, i do them so i no longer want to die. even if the pains only going away for a short time. every problem i have was created by me. if this is life i want to be done.
• i flirt with my ex-boyfriend because he’s still in love with me. it boosts my self-esteem when he tells me that it’s impossible for me to look like crap.
• i secretly wish my father would start drinking again so my mom would leave him like she said she would if he did it again.
• the night i came home after i tried to kill myself he went for a beer with his friends instead of coming to see me. i still love him.
• i resent him for dying before i could get over him & move on because now i feel like an 18yr old widow.
• i’ve been vegetarian for years. after a stressful day at work i went to a mcdonalds and got a cheeseburger. it made me sick but it was delicious. now i’m not sure who i am.
• i want to die. and as i sit here on my porch chain smoking, freezing… i see all the beauty around me and feel so worthless. i feel like there is no hope.
• i tell my mom i love her every time i go out. it’s not because i want her to know i love her, it’s because if i die while i’m out my lat words to her were those. i say it no matter what. i love you.
• what i’ll miss most about my uncle is sitting in the bathroom watching him have. i had hoped i’d get to see that one more time, but now all i have is memories.
• there’s a guy that 2 of my friends n i all really like but 1 of them thinks he’s gonna ask her out. he just asked me n the other friend to his party… not her.
• i’m scared to go to the doctor for my muscular dystrophy because then he will know i never finished my chemotherapy.
• i’m 18, in college and i’ve never been kissed, had a boyfriend, or gone out on a date… i think it’s because i’m too afraid to change the way things are…
• sometimes i wish i could just go to sleep forever. too scared to do it myself because i don’t want my son to hate me. but when i read about someone killed in a car accident i wish it were me. i hope it will get better.
• shit. i can’t see myself growing up or getting older at all. i don’t see myself living. that’s when i start to wonder.
• i’ve got my suicide planned out perfectly. i’m going down to the woods, put the plastic wrap around my head n lay down in the leaves n wait for happiness.
• i’m in love with a married man and can’t seem to stay away from him even though i know he’s using me.
• i wish I had the courage to divorce my husband. then i might have the courage to tell the guy i’m sleeping with that i don’t want him anymore.
• i’m in love with my best friend. he has no idea when i say ‘i love you’ i truly mean it i’ll never tell him the truth.
• everything my mother says or does makes me angry… she tries so hard to be close to me… i want to try and be friends with her but i just can’t.
• i wish i was given the chance to be in a relationship but apparently looks are more important than how much you care about someone.
• i can’t help but sabotage myself. something about it just makes it feel like it’s worth trying harder to succeed.
• i like men to hurt me when we have sex because then i can hate them instead of love them. If they won’t i hate them anyhow because they won’t give me what i want
• it breaks my heart to hear my dad gush about how proud he is that i am FINALLY losing weight. i wish he could be just as happy about my other accomplishments.
• i feel like i’m dying. i miss him more than i’ve ever missed anyone.
• i don’t care what they say, i love you!
• i really wish i had someone to hug whenever i wanted. i’m so tired of being called worthless by the people I love, have loved and now people who don’t know me. it starts to take a toll on one’s heart even if you know it can’t be true
• i’m being left behind again. even though it has to be done it still breaks my heart. i will love them all forever. while they’ll be celebrating, i will be crying.
• i’m leaving him. i sent him the papers in iraq. It isn’t that i don’t love him i just am not attracted to him at all and i’m tired of faking orgasms and sympathy.

textsecret

se⋅cret [see-krit]
– adjective

1. kept from the knowledge of any but the initiated or privileged:
2. a secret password.
3. faithful or cautious in keeping confidential matters confidential; close-mouthed; reticent.
4. designed or working to escape notice, knowledge, or observation: a secret drawer; the secret police.
5. secluded, sheltered, or withdrawn: a secret hiding place.
6. beyond ordinary human understanding; esoteric.

– noun

1. something that is or is kept secret, hidden, or concealed.
2. a mystery: the secrets of nature.
3. a reason or explanation not immediately or generally apparent.
4. a method, formula, plan, etc., known only to the initiated or the few: the secret of happiness; a trade secret.

quotes about secrets:

• “anything will give up its secrets if you love it enough” - george washington carver
• “every profound spirit needs a mask: even more, around every profound spirit a mask is continually growing” - friedrich nietzsche
• “we dance round in a ring and suppose, while the secret sits in the middle and knows” – robert frost
• “the man who can keep a secret may be wise, but he is not half as wise as the man with no secrets to keep” - edgar watson howe
• “he that has eyes to see and ears to hear may convince himself that no mortal can keep a secret. if his lips are silent, he chatters with his fingertips; betrayal oozes out of him at every pore.” – sigmund freud
• “what is man? a miserable little pile of secrets” - andre malraux
• “everything secret degenerates…; nothing is safe that does not show how it can bear discussion and publicity” - john emerich edward dalberg acton
• “nothing weighs on us so heavily as a secret.” - jean de la fontaine
• “everyone is like a moon, and has a dark side which he never shows to anybody.” – mark twain
• “whoever wishes to keep a secret must hide the fact that he possesses one.” - johann wolfgang von goethe

the power of secrets – an article from the magazine “psychology today”

this week's secrets...

• i used to avoid my dreams to avoid my nightmares. my nightmares have started coming back and they are worse than ever. they scare me to death
• i’m scared that once i take off the rest of the weight i still won’t be attractive enough for guys and just gain it all back
• the only way i’ll know if mother loves me is if she dies like dad
• he’s 53. i’m 22. he’s engaged. i’m single. we meet up every weekend. get a room. get drugged up. and have mind blowing sex. i don’t feel bad, sad, or guilty
• she was his fuckbuddy before us and had his baby in our first few months. the baby now has major brain issues and i feel like it’s her punishment. not sorry.
• i act like a smartass tough bitch in order to stop people from getting to know me. part of me loves being alone so much that it scares me
• i use people to distract myself from reality, it’s time to grow up and face lie
• what’s keeping me alive is the fear of suicide and the devastation it would cause my best friends.
• i’m blonde, a redneck and i suffered from brain injuries. i am more intellectual than anyone gives me credit for.
• i love my boss more than my husband. and i don’t feel bad about it
• i will never recover from everything that has happened in this last month. now it is hard for me to see the good in people and i’m terrified that more things are
• i distance myself from people, especially men, cause i think they will be freaked out by my daughter’s disabilities
• i don’t want a relationship with you. i just need you to aid me in getting over the douche bag that i let break my heart once again
• i think that the only person that can [help me] is the next man that will walk into my life and sweep me away. i hope he shows up
• i want nothing more than to leave everything behind and move to oregon. i hate who i am here and i hate these people. i need something more than this.
• i was a size 14 the year i got engaged. i’m a size 6 now. i shrank a size every year. i’ve never been happy with any size i’ve been, but i was prettier when i had the courage to be ‘the fat girl.’
• i wish she would miscarry so he could come back to me like he did before they knew he was prego. she doesn’t know, but he calls me everyday and says the same thing.
• i have gray hairs but i tell people they are white and due to a disease that i have that kills any pigmentation in my body.
• i bought a vibrator and i’ve only used it twice. i’m scared someone is going to randomly find it.
• i’m not the girl that he wants whether he thinks so or not.
• i wish i had enough will power to just not eat because i’m sick of throwing it all up.
• i still think about hurting myself every single day and most days i want to die
• i just got a tattoo and my family can’t know!
• my mother-in-law makes me lunch everyday. and as long as no one is in the office, i throw it all up when get back to my job.
• i’m almost 16 and i still sleep with a nightlight. i’m terrified of being alone in the dark.
• i’m never good enough.
• there’s this boy i know but i didn’t notice him until he started showing up in my dreams… every time we are having sex
• my husband threatened suicide. i wish he had done it.
• these secret texts are the only texts i get.
• everyday i wish i would get in a freak accident and die so i wouldn’t have to choose to keep him or our unborn child.
• i hope my dad dies soon. not because i want his stuff but because i’m hoping then i can finally let go of his secrets and the anger i hold onto and direct toward him
• i sometimes wonder how this happened to us. i don’t know how to stop being sad about it.
• i just met a guy online and he’s the only guy who will talk to me right now.
• i regret giving away my virginity.
• a lot of girls like my bf and i feel that one of these days he’s bound to get tired of our long distance relationship and just leave me.
• i think having sex with a total stranger is exhilarating and i wish i did it more.
• after seven months of “sleeping” with him I finally slept with him. I learned he doesn’t share the bed very well.
• “lol” annoys me. i believe people overuse it. or use it when they don’t know what else to say. it’s like a tic only typed, with some people. stop! it makes me think you didn’t really mean what you just wrote or texted.
• i think my wrinkles are ok, and maybe even endearing as i have a youngish face. but i hate my gray hairs!
• if i didn’t text the people that call me their best friend i wouldn’t have friends. i never see them anymore and they don’t care. i’m losing everyone.
• i wanted to talk to her, to ask her to join me for a beer, but i know that i have nothing to offer that she would want so i watched her walk by.
• i'm a fraud and a phoney. holden caufield's worst nightmare. i pretend to help people in need but i can't even take care of myself.
  

textsecret

there are 47 new secrets this week! i’ve responded to some and was very happy to have done so. i hope that my responses helped. it seems many are dealing with unrequited feelings of one sort or another. i want to tell you all that it is ok to be alone. i know it’s not easy. lord how i know that. but there should be no social stigma for not being connected to another in an intimate way.

i had an interesting experience last night that i will share here instead of my myspace blog. i was sitting alone at an outdoor table at a local pub i go to after work sometimes. It was about 8pm when a woman came walking down the sidewalk by herself. it was obvious to me by the way she was swerving down the sidewalk that she was drunk. she smiled at me and bumped into a chair at my table. i asked if she was ok, she said yes and kept walking.

she bumped into a chair at the next table and i asked if she would like to join me. my idea was to get her off of her feet so she could catch her breath and maybe sober up a little before going on. she finally agreed and sat down.

i told her i would normally offer her a drink but she seemed to have had enough already. she laughed and said she wasn’t drunk to which i scoffed. she said, “really, i’m not drunk. i have a brain injury.”

i apologized for not believing her and asked if she would tell me what had happened. she said that when she was eighteen she was in a car accident and had hurt her head badly. the damage to her brain has impaired her balance, slowed her thinking, and limits her memory abilities. i told her that i was very sorry and she replied that it could have been so much worse.

then she told me about how excited she was because in january she was being allowed to move out of the group home she was living in. we discussed her anxieties about a roommate and rent, and also her anticipation of having her own place and independence. she was thrilled about the prospect of being able to do things like cooking or taking a shower without asking permission first.

while i walked her to the bus stop i thanked her for sitting with me and helping me to remember to be thankful for what i have. there is always a flip side to the coin we are given but we often get tunnel-visioned just looking at the down side. it could always be so much worse.

it is difficult for me to even write something like this without feeling like a cheese-ball or like i am working for hallmark or some silly daily affirmation company. you can’t really write or say something like this without seeming trite or cliché. it still needs to be said though and it is important to remember.

i gave her my name and phone number, written on a piece of paper so she wouldn’t have to rely on her memory. i told her if she ever needed anything to feel free to call me. there was no sexual tension between the two of us, no attraction at all, and my gesture was not a come on in any way. i don’t know if she will ever call but that hardly seems to matter. she appeared long enough to give me a message and i got the message and thanked her for it. i don’t know who or what sends the messages but i am thankful when i am conscious enough to receive them. regardless of your mood or the state of your life, it is important to always have your eyes wide open because you never know when a blessing will come stumbling down the sidewalk…

thank you all for your secrets. keep sending them and i will keep posting them and we will rid ourselves of the burden of carrying them and thinking we are all alone.

• i have trichotillomania. i pull out my hair.
• i want nothing more than to succeed but I am failing. i would rather die than admit failure. i have picked the date.
• i am 26 and i got divorced because he cheated on me not because we grew apart. my family and friends have no idea.
• my phone number is the same as an old escort service. sometimes i answer the phone as an escort so i can embarrass the fuck out of the pervs that call.
• i haven’t let my dad hug me since i was 12 and he kissed me on the lips. that was 6 years ago.
• my ex-husband in transgender. i wish he would kill himself like he threatens.
• i’m going back for a bachelors at the age of 26 because i don’t know what else to do. at least i’ll know i’m a student for the next 3 years.
• there are days when i love him and days when i don’t… i hope the day he proposes i do! i really do want to spend the rest of my life with him!
• there’s this boy that i don’t even know and i want so bad to even be his friend but i feel like i’d be TOO happy in comparison to him to be anything but a stranger to him
• i don’t want to be with him, but i don’t want anyone else to be either. mostly cause i know how happy he could and would make me, i mean, her…
• i wonder if i should have stayed unhappy to avoid being alone.
• even though he broke my heart into a million little pieces… i would take him back in a second. (and every time i see him i feel more pathetic.)
• my best friend in high school wanted me 2 b with her. i told her i wasn’t gay, but now that i’m bi - god how i want 2 c her again.
• i am an adult and sometimes i get turned on by teenage boys.
• i am not lesbian or bi, but i fall in love with every single one of my best friends.
• i don’t think i’ve reacted to my mother’s death.
• i still go to my ex’s myspace and pwned pages because seeing his photos still gives me butterflies. even though i pretend like he was a huge mistake deep down i know he was the one. i’m with a different man now whom i love very much. i think we will get married but i know i’ll be thinking of jon.
• i want to die every day. it’s not getting any easier.
• i have no idea how to respond when someone compliments me.
• some of my best writing is done buzzed or drunk and i have a callous on my palm from twisting bottle caps.
• at 17, i’m considering stripping so i can make enough money to move out of my parent’s house and put myself through college.
• i look at my boyfriend and i can’t help thinking about what a good father and husband he’ll be one day. i hope i’m the lucky girl who gets to experience it.
• i love him because he shares my obsession with twilight. it is lame but true.
• sometimes i wish the movie “eternal sunshine of the spotless mind” was real, so i could erase him from my memory. then i’d meet him all over again because i’d miss how things were when we first met. but i’ll never have that feeling again because i want to spend the rest of my life with him.
• i have troubled thoughts and self-esteem to match.
• i wish i could give him up as easily as he gave me up, and i’m afraid that i’d still take him back if he asked even knowing what kind of person he really is.
• i share my secrets with everyone, not because i trust them but because if everyone knows i don’t have to trust anyone to keep them so no one has power over me.
• i got a tattoo saying that i’m a survivor. what a lie. the person i was died that night. this isn’t me.
• i’m glad i never let you go, after you broke my heart countless times, because then today wouldn’t have happened. i love you, i always will
• i’m falling for my best friend. JRM i love you.
• i think i ruined everything when i had a one night stand with the guy of my dreams.
• i lie to myself so often, that i don’t believe a word that i say.
• a month ago i slept with a guy 10 years older than me & an ex who i love all in the same day. i’m pregnant & i don’t know who the father is. i’m 18 & in college.
• euthanizing animals doesn’t bother me as much as i think it should.
• i think i’m trying too hard to find a secret to me, i should just admit that my life hasn’t been filled with enough to have one.
• he broke up with me, but we’re still friends. i finally see him 3 weeks later and find out that he has lingering feelings for me, but doesn’t want to do distance. we’re still friends, but i’m not sure who i am without him. i miss him and what we had and i use all my wishes on him.
• he loves me too. life is wonderful!
• i thought i’d lost it all when i told my friend i was in love with her. i soon realized i was in love with her personality. i am in love with her friendship.
• my late aunt would berate my mom for homeschooling us; but i was the one who explained “second base” to her now slut of a daughter. vindication!
• my husband is being transferred to a new city and i’m worried he’ll find someone else while waiting on me & our kids to follow in a few months
• i don’t want to have children and whenever i tell people i feel like a leper. they always make some crack about me changing my mind.
• i was stabbed in the back. i have a right to my anger. my secrets turned out to be hers and she openly shared them for months.
• i don’t think i can handle this. i really wish i could just give up.
• i hate kissing my boyfriend. it’s all he ever wants to do
• i've become so cynical and pessimistic about marriage because all the married people i know seem so miserable.
• i wanted to send you another secret, but looking at your blog i realize that some 1 else has already sent you all my secrets. the only 1 left is my crush on u and your ability to be open to ppl you don’t know about. things i can’t even admit to myself some times.
• i don't know if love exists anymore because i loved him with all my heart and he's thrown me away

textsecret

i started teaching myself how to play guitar this past week with the help of a dvd from the library. it has to be one of the most painful instruments to learn. you have to press your fingers into the strings and hold them down in order to get a clear note. after the first lesson, i put the guitar away and realized i had blisters on my fingers. i waited a couple of days before i practiced again. it hurt again but not as much. the blisters had turned to callouses and i was developing a tolerance for the feeling. in fact, i found, that my fingers were searching for the same twinge of pain while looking for the correct fingering for the chords.

the lies that we tell to hide the secrets that we keep are like callous on our fingers. they protect us from our fears, from the judgment of others, of ourselves. they insulate us from what is real and painful and what is really painful. we convince ourselves that keeping the secrets and telling the lies is easier than the alternative and that no one would ever want to be around us if the truth were set free. we live in bubbles that blur reality, smooth rough edges, numb emotions, and dampen colors.

my calloused fingers seem numb now, like the tips of my fingers are perpetually asleep. i don’t have the feeling in them that i did just a week ago. it’s remarkable how quickly the body will act to protect itself and how fast the mind will justify it.

• i knew what he was doing to her but i didn’t do anything to stop him. now i feel the guilt of it being my fault
• i peed on my sister’s face while she was sleeping b/c she broke my power ranger
• i gave blood and money to save the daughter of the woman who stole my husband
• i think i want them to divorce but i’m afraid he won’t choose me when he’s free.
• i faked the whole thing and i’ll never be able to let anyone know. everyone would be so disappointed in me.
• i love to laugh. a lot. i also sing karaoke by myself. and i love bridges.
• i’m so lost i don’t know what to do or where to go. just where i want to be.
• i haven’t eaten anything in almost 24 hours and i’m not that hungry. i wish i always felt like this that way i could lose weight.
• i realized he came into my life for a reason. it’s going to be happy but i hope it’s not love.
• 20 years later, i still think i see the man who raped me every once and a while. i never mention it t whoever i’m with…
• the 1 time i was happy i was dating a married man 11 yrs older than me. he had no job no car and cheated on me. id never take it back
• i always thought the phrase bored to tears was an overstatement. until today. the sad part is i have a boyfriend, family, and friends who i love and love me. but i am so bored i want to pull my hair out.
• i wonder if i am truly happy, or if i tell myself that because that’s what people want to see
• i'm utterly terrified of not being cared about.
• i see that picture of your lips, and stare at it... i really want to kiss them and hope it makes your hurt go away, for a while.
• i don't hate him. looking in my son's face, all i want to do is thank him.
• i’m only 19 but i know who i want to spend the rest of my life with, yesterday he purposed to his 17 year old girlfriend of a year and now i feel like i have nothing to live for. i’ve convinced myself that no one will ever be as good as him and now no one is. i’m gonna be alone forever
• i wish that my life was on the line instead of his so i know that his family can see him again
• i met the kid i REALLY like about a month ago. here’s the problem, he’s gay. shows how good my life’s gonna be
• it has been a year & a half since i ended my ten year marriage. i had an online relationship w/a married man for 3 years before i left. i didn’t leave because of my online fling; it was really over before i left my husband. but since i left, i have not dated, and haven’t wanted to. my ex is blissfully happy w/a girlfriend. oh, did i mention i lost my job 3 months ago? i am losing my apartment. if i ever doubted God, He has shown me He is real and punishing me
• i don’t believe in God but i do believe in karma so i think i must have done something to deserve all of this and i’m always waiting for the next crisis to start.
• i am twenty years old and no where near becoming the person i always thought i would be at this age.
• we fell in love when i was 12 and he 21. we’re still together. it’s a special love that no one understands but that doesn’t mean it’s not love. we’re getting married
• i overeat because i don’t like myself and i don’t like myself because i’m so overweight
• he’ll never know we were going to have another child. i will never tell him and i feel like i will go to hell for that. he left on a saturday and i fixed the problem on monday. he wants more and i just want fake breasts.
• i was o obsessed with making him the happiest person, with protecting him. now that we broke up i’m obsessed with being the girl that ruins his life.
• i want to kill myself because i’ve had arthritis since i was 12. i’m afraid i won’t be able to do anything as it progresses and life won’t be worth living anymore.
• i just want to run away with and be happy. no one suspects “us” and i know they wouldn’t like it. but i’m in love with him and couldn’t be happier!
• i’m a 19 year old orphan with a brain tumor. i’m not going to tell anyone and i won’t get the surgery. i’d rather die on my own terms than waster away.
• i don’t think anyone will ever love me, i don’t blame them.
• i'm so lost.
• i’m choosing my fiancé over my dad and nothing has ever hurt worse
• i started college last month. i’m surrounded by people and friends but i’ve never felt more alone.
• i should be the one kissing him. after all i’ve done for him… i deserve the chance to be with him again. i’m starting to lose hope in everything.
• i have the urge to wish for him every 11:11 an then i wonder what is wrong with me. i broke up with him. as much as I hate to admit it, things are different between us. we’re not as far apart as i’d like to believe and no matter how i felt about him, love or hate, i was never apathetic. so now i find myself yearning for him to yet again experience the rage, the ecstasy. though i hold guilt as to whether it’s him i want or my desire for how he makes me feel. am i really falling for the one i abused in the first place?
• i finally admit it – she cheated on me. i’m not mad anymore. i kinda needed to be free
• i saw my secret on your blog. my secret is real, i cried as i wrote it. but somehow to see it written there makes me feel fake. i guess that is my secret too. i am fake.
• sometimes i’m afraid the only man i’ll ever love is the one who abused me. i was strong enough to kick him out, but i don’t think i’ll ever really leave him.
• i refuse to quit smoking because it’s the only way i get breaks at work.
• my worst fear is getting my fingernails ripped off. so i bite them and cut them down
• sometimes when i’m feeling more lonely than usual i use the 3 extra pillows in my bed and put them in a line next to me and i just put an arm around the pillows cause i fall asleep so much quicker pretending that it’s you and that you are not gone forever

textsecret

i know we all find comfort and solace in the secrets that we read either on postsecret, the postsecret myspace blog, or right here. i’ve found a community of similarly tense, angry, hurt, anxious, elated, and sad souls baring secrets that often mirror my own. i don’t relate to every secret and sometimes i don’t even understand them, but i always relate to the torment of keeping secrets.

this project has been great for me because i no longer have to wait until sunday to read the twenty secrets that frank posts and, since they are coming directly to me, i feel a stronger connection with them. there are, in fact, times where it seems that instead of receiving an anonymous text about someone’s secret, some stranger is sending me a text to comment on my life directly. i know this is irrational, but when i read a text at 3am in a half-sleeping stupor, it sometimes feels eerily relevant to my own life.

so many of this week’s text were like that for me. it’s like getting a fortune in a cookie that actually means something to you, or having an old friend call out of the blue at the very instant you are thinking about them. i wonder if these aren’t signs that i should be paying attention to or if i am just reading more into it then i should. maybe i am imbuing it with more meaning than is really there. after all, these texts are about the senders and not about me.

anyway, thanks to all of you who sent in new secrets. keep releasing them into the wind and the grip they have on our lives will lessen until we can be free and fly away happy.

• i talk to my ex still and sometimes the enormity of love he feels nauseates me. i think he’s pathetic and i want him to move on but he won’t
• he's cheated on me so many times that i don’t feel the same way for him anymore. the only reason it seems i haven’t left him is our son, and that he needs me. even though i don’t love him i can’t just throw him out.
• i wonder how long it will take the people at work to realize that i do nothing all day, hate all of them, and only stay for the check and benefits
• every time my roommates start talking about relationships, it makes me wish i wasn’t gay
• my mom is the only reason i haven’t killed myself. i could never hurt her like that after all we have been through together.
• j.s.e. saved my life. i wish i could tell her how much she means to me. i haven’t cut since i talked to her june 3rd, 2008!
• i have never hated my life as much as i do now. i want to leave him, but my lover doesn’t want me anymore
• i’m running away with a man i met a week ago. i’m not telling anyone. no family – no friends. i’m already so scared BUT SO SO in love!
• i go to shows and concerts in hopes of meeting my soul mate singing along to my favorite songs.
• i don't believe in god...but i'm also afraid i will burn in hell... what does this mean?
• my only hope in life is a man i’ve never met
• i wish my husband would die in iraq
• it’s been 22 years since she died and i’ve never felt more ashamed about the disappointment i must be
• i hate how my mom always compares me to other people n points out all my flaws. she makes me feel like shit.
• after 8 years, on monday i finally told him i am in love with him. today he told me that i wasn’t in love with him and that i was only in love with the thought of him. i just want him to believe me.
• when i was 14 my mom left the state to go live with her bf 3000 miles away
• i secretly think he’s in love with his sister
• i plan on leaving this place and never speaking to anybody here ever again even my best friends
• i miss being myself. i moved this summer. and i’d get shot if i was the real me here
• i plan on fooling around with my friend who has a gf
• i use boys
• i’m always just the friend, but i love being guys friends too much to stop
• i’m wayyyy too shallow. i won’t even be friends with ugly people
• i push guys away cause i fear it will be my fault in the end i broke up with my boyfriend tonight because i’m in love with a man i’ve never even met. he cried… and that broke my heart
• i broke up with my fiancé a few months ago but i am already in love again. yet i can’t commit to him in any way either because i still have this picture in my head of my ex coming back and marrying me. it makes me feel guilty and want to disappear and never have to deal with either of them again.
• my girlfriend is pregnant
• i don’t want him to leave but i want him to do what is best for him. damn the army for taking him away from me.
• i think i love him. i think i need him. but i will never find out without loosing him, and by then it would be too late. i don't know how to explain it, but he is my world. and i guess that counts as love.
• "i'm never alone, i'm alone all the time" -- not just song lyrics, it's my secret.
• i want him more than anything in my life but i’m so afraid that he doesn’t want me
• i pretend not to care and not to be scared but he hurt my heart so bad. i’m just willing to wait for someone to heal it for as long as it takes now.
• i know that he can save me but i’m too afraid to ask
• i told him my deepest secret and now i think everything has changed and i’m terrified of losing what little of him i have left.
• i hide my bipolar disorder but it gives me an unrelenting anger, guilt, and sorrow that hurts the ones i love
• i love my son but am so agoraphobic i make up excuses so occasionally his father will keep him. i just can’t face the world some days
• i broke up with the only kid i’ve ever felt for most. he liked me for a month and then moved on to a new girl. it’s been 6 months. i have a boyfriend but i’m in love with my ex and i don’t believe i will ever move on
• i still hate my life even though i promised him i didn’t
• after thinking about it for 6 months, i am finally going to kiss the sexy man behind the bar next saturday night. he has no idea. neither does my boyfriend.
• dear brother, you don’t think i remember but i know you molested me when i was younger. it was the reason i can’t be with any guy. i can’t shake the memories. i’m afraid you ruined my life.
• i’m scared of everything. everyone thinks i’m a great person and i’m honest and trustworthy. i am a wonderful liar.
• he told me he’ll stop smoking weed for me. i feel horrible… i want him to stop because he wants to
• i only have been acting like a whore since i met him that day at the show. i do exactly what he does. i don’t know why.
• i’m scared that i’m unconsciously manipulative, just because i’m a scorpio
• i think it’s weird how ppl feel so much more comfortable talking about how they feel to strangers rather than friends and family. but i feel that way too.
• i miss love, but am too afraid of it to want it.
• i have no friends. in an effort to with someone even if i never heard from them again i put my number on myspace. no one has texted me. i am sad
• there’s this deep misery in my soul. sometimes it goes numb and i feel ok. it always comes back when i’m alone. i cant talk about it because i don’t know what’s wrong. it’s going to cause me to push everyone away.
• you are not alone.
• when i was 8 or 9 i saw my dad choking my mom… all i did was run out of the room crying… i still feel guilty i didn’t do anything.
• i’m going to be an aunt.
• i know i need to lose weight. i look like a female linebacker. but i am only happy when i’m shoving food in my mouth.
• sometimes i wonder if it’s possible to be in love with a celebrity you’ve never met. i’m not just a fangirl, i’d love him even if he wasn’t their drummer.
• he used me for sex. i’m still going to miss him when he leaves.
• my biggest shame in grade school was i never learned to jump rope. i’m in college and i still can’t. all the kids who made fun of me dropped out or got pregnant. they could all jump rope.
• “if i could i would shrink myself and sink through your skin to your blood cells remove whatever makes you hurt but i am too weak to be your cure” that song will always remind me of you, dad. i forgive you. finally.
• i just lost my job and i’m SO HAPPY!
• my mother hoped that by me switching jobs would kill our relationship, when in fact it’s only made it stronger
• my father died in car accident 7 years ago. i finally have proof that it was murder. and i promise that my revenge will be an accident too
• i never get naked during sex cause i’m afraid that if they see my fat body naked they won’t want to fuck anymore.
• i’m only 19 but everyday i make a conscious effort to be diff than my mom bc i’m so scared my future kids will grow up to hate me
• i love my best friend, she doesn’t realize she’s harming herself. i feel bad but i told her so.
• i’m afraid that i’ll never find someone who loves me as much as i love them.
• i’m scared of lawn mowers
• i love him. and i miss him. but he has done so much bad to me that after 5 months i don’t know what to do or if his not contacting me might be his way of doing good by me finally.
• i’ve been grieving over my ex boyfriend all month but now i’m just starting to learn the lesson that if someone wants to walk out of your life… …you should let them go.
• i am giving up on love. it screwed me over.
• i do not know what i want to do after high school but i know i don’t want to wait too long and screw my life over like my sister did to hers
• i’m tired of people telling me how beautiful i am. i’m afraid i’ll start to believe it.
• my husband is going back to iraq in a few months and i don’t know if i can go another 12 months without kissing