i'm a trusting person. at least, i'd like to think that i am. i want to believe in an inherently good and honest nature for people. i want to believe in the benefit of the doubt. i want to think people aren't lying to me just for the sake of lying.

nobody asks to be lied to. i certainly don't. and as part of this project, i trust that when people are sending me texts they are honestly sending me secrets and not just making things up because they are bored.

i got a text recently admitting to just such a thing. the person admitted to sending in up to three or four texts per week and that they were all lies. she said she was bored and wanted something to do so she sent me texts under the guise of them being secrets. this cut me to my core. this shattered my entire illusion that what i was doing was allowing people to get secrets off of their chests, or that i was somehow helping someone get a grasp on the enormity of their feelings because of whatever secret they were hiding.

[i immediately saved the number to my phone in order to identify any more "secrets" she might send in. she sent more. i never posted them.]

in sharing this, i'm not looking for validation, sympathy, solidarity, or anything really. i'd still like to believe i am doing something good. something right. something helpful. i will continue to do this and post secrets as long as they continue to come to me. i guess i'm a bit sad about it though because now i can't help but look at each secret with a cynical eye or with a healthy dose of suspicion. i'm sorry about that. i just can't read them the way i used to. i cannot outright distrust any of you or what you are sharing (i still truly want to believe in the honesty and integrity of the project) but it is telling what one bad apple can do and how easily a bubble can be burst....

as always, thank you all for sharing. here are this week's secrets:

• every time i do something that reminds me of my dad i want to cut myself as a reminder not to ever do it again.
• i want him to get over his shyness. he likes me and i like him and i hate that i’m such an outgoing person and he’s afraid to show it.
• i’m lez
• everyone thinks i lied to him. truth is he’s the only person i’ve been completely honest to.
• i waited too long and now she’s taking you from me. you couldn’t possibly understand how heartbreaking it is but it’s my fault.
• i bailed out on my sisters and some friends tonight (new year’s eve) because i didn’t want to be the only one who had no one to kiss at midnight.
• i almost feel beautiful when i’m practicing kendo. it is also when i feel the most inadequate and ugly.
• i wish we could go back to that day in august. i wish you would talk to me. i wish we could have a second chance. i wish you would be the person you’re afraid to be.
• i’m wondering why i’m even planning on starting the new year when i don’t think i’m going to live until the end of it.
• i’m worried i’ll never get a boyfriend because every new friend i’ve made in the past year is gay and i’m not.
• i’m in love with my best friend. she loves me but i don’t know how to tell her.
• someone once told me, “there is something more to you, and you just have to let people in to let them see it. i’m not sure what it is but i love it” and it bothered me.
  
• i love my boyfriend and have never been happier with anyone else but his kid is a manipulative little monster with a nasty temper and attitude and i don’t know how much longer he will be enough to keep me there dealing with her.
• sometimes i ruin my life just to see if i can fix it.
• i am so bitter.
• i wish i had more friends so i could afford to rent a house and take my pets and me away from the bullshit of my family.
• i just lost my virginity to a boy and the entire time i thought of my ex-girlfriend that i’m still in love with.
• when i move i hope we can build some sort of a relationship. i really hope you’re still alive and i hope you want it as bad as i do.
• i’m more excited when you text me than when my boyfriend does. i’m scared. please don’t make me fall for you.
• i regret putting him up for adoption.
• i recently cut off a dear friend. her judging me more for being kinky than when i dated another woman was the final straw. i’m officially out of the kink closet!
• i honestly think i would give up just about anything to have someone i could call my own. just someone to love.
• while i sat at her funeral today i planned my own suicide down to the minute. i watched her family crying and friends mourning and i realized this isn’t about me and my selfishness it’s about loving her and praising her life despite its length. by the end of the evening i stopped thinking about the glorious ways to poison myself and started living the way she did, full of compassion and love. if i don’t live for me she is my only reason.
• my teacher asked me what i wanted in life in front of 30 peers. i wanted to say that i want every single person in this world to know someone loves them. i told him money instead.
• i texted the boy i like. i told him i like him. i thought i would regret it but in fact i’m glad i did it and it made me feel good.
• i’m still in love with my ex and it’s been over three years. he was my first boyfriend. the first person i told about the cutting. the first person to ever care.
• i’m scared of failing my senior year because no one in my family has ever made it this far. the sad thing is, not only am i handicapped but i have many other obstacles i have to overcome.
• i’m afraid that i’m going to die alone and that no one will love me. what’s wrong with me?
• every day i wonder why i’m such a failure and why i’m alive. then i think of my niece but i’m not sure if i’ll make it past the age of 18. i just turned 17.
• tonight i’ve realized i don’t want death i just want the pain to stop permanently. it won’t. time to make a decision.
• i’m so afraid of failing that i’ve already given up on my future. also, i think i was molested as a kid but i don’t remember.
• i give up. suicide is worth it.
• i hope you get caught. i really do. and since you won’t on your own i might tell her. she has a right to know. merry christmas you imbecile.
• the only way me and my dad bond is when we’re getting high, otherwise we’re fighting.
• i’m afraid i have too much love in my heart for this world.
• i like tentacle porn.
• i have no idea what to do. i’m just so confused and hurt that it makes me sick to my stomach. i wish i could just know the truth.
• i go to the same college my grandma went to. i wish she had left me a journal or something so i could know what it was like when she was here. the only thing i know is that she hated it.
• i really want to be bi but i think my parents would disown me and i would get kicked out of my church.
• they tell me i’m the strongest person they know. at 15 i’ve been through it all. they don’t know i have to sleep with a night light in fear he will kill me.
• my new year’s resolution is to date boys who i’m really interested in for a change.
• even though i gave up on caring about relationships, love, and everything else, i still cry at night because i know i will never have any of it.
• i think guys don’t like me because i’m fat. i’d do anything to be skinny and confident.
• i hate when you don’t talk to me but i ache when you do.
• you were one of my best friends. we’ve grown apart now and i’m not taking the blame. i think you’re annoying and stuck up now and you’re the one that wanted to forget about me. now you’re such good friends with her that when i try to make an effort to talk to you i feel like you’re being fake or just don’t care.
• it’s been seven months and i still hurt because of you every damned day. i try not to care but i do. put half a country between us or half a room and i still feel the same. someone make it stop.
• i’m the one everyone goes to with a problem but for once i wish they would see beyond my happy upbeat personality and realize i need someone to listen to my problems too.
• he broke my heart twice, even after all that i still pray for his safety before mine. i know he doesn't care about me anymore but i still care for him.
• gordon ramsey is hot!
• i always have some fantasy going on in my head. it makes reality a little bit more bearable.
• i'm incredibly in love with my ex and would literally lay my life on the line for her. i would drop everything to be with her at any given moment, all i need is to hear her say she needs me. i just don't know how to tell her.
• i'm really sad because frank took a 'break' from posting secrets on the last sunday i'll ever be on this earth. it's the only thing i'll miss.
• i think my little sister is having sex for money.
• i’m not a lesbian or even bi but i’d give just about anything to fool around with my best friend. i think it’d be fun.
• everyday i get up and fight myself for my own life.
• even though i’m on my period i’m still terribly afraid that i’m pregnant.
• i wanted to tell you yes. yes i am. but this is wrong and i’m sorry. i can’t break his heart. i can’t break your’s. so i’ll just let mine shatter quietly.
• i don’t care if it seems like we’re moving really fast. i’ve never felt so confident of anything in my life. you’re amazing.
• my husband is at war yet i don’t worry about him as much as i think i should. does this make me a bad person?
• my fiance left me tonight and i want to take as many pills as i can to make the pain go away.
• this year, things need to change because i don’t know how much longer i can go on if they don’t.
• my bf is in the military. i cheated on him tonight after he wouldn’t tell a stranger he was taken.
• i miss you. whenever something funny happens or i’m feeling alone i think about calling you. i never do.
• i love him and everyone says we are meant for each other but i think i’m still in love with my ex, too.
• i talk to him everyday because i’m afraid that he’s actually thinking of suicide.
• i love my husband more when i’m sleeping with my mister behind his back.
• i miss you. i want you to be ok.
• i made him suicidal. oh god, please forgive me. it’s my fault if he dies. please take care of him. don’t turn him away. he has such a beautiful soul.
• i think i’m in love with my friend. all i want is for him to be happy. it breaks my heart whenever he is sad and i do everything i can to pick him back up again. i’ll tell him… …someday.
• i’ll be praying for you.
• i told him i don’t want to have sex until i’m married but that’s a lie. i just want to wait until the time feels right.
• i want to take my anorexia to the next stage but every time i try i feel like a failure because nothing comes up.
• i don’t know if i want to get better because i think i will hate the better me as much as i hate the depressed me.
• i love college and i’m excited to teach soon but i’d give it all up to be a mommy. i can’t wait. i don’t care if there’s a ring or a husband.
• i’m waiting for our cycle to start again.
• i want to be able to say something to make you smile, cheer you up, give you hope, but i don’t know what you need to hear. i’m sorry.
• the only reason i watch "the fairly odd parents", is so that i can dream about what i would wish for if fairy god parents were real.
• the more you told me you loved me, the more i fucking hated you. thanks for nothing.
• he loves me! i know! i tell him about my boyfriends. i want him to hate me! it would be easier then disappointing him and never meeting up to his expectations as a lover! you see: i love him too, and i can never be what he wants me to be!
• whenever i go to a concert i always expect something special to happen and when it doesn’t i don’t like the band as much afterwards. i feel shallow for that.
• he broke my heart and i forgave him. now he wants it back and i’m afraid i don’t have the power to say no.
• i need to make money and i feel like the only way i can make that money is to sell myself.
• worst idea ever: leaving my fiance for my best friend.
• him loving me is not the threat to the future of your relationship. him not loving you is though.
• i’m happy he is gone.
• my new year’s resolution is to stop being so insecure. i won’t ruin the best relationship i’ve ever had because of my lack of confidence.
• i’m still in love with him but he’s engaged to the girl he cheated on me with.
• i can’t look my dad in the eyes after he caught me in the shower with my boyfriend seven months ago.
• i’m as close to suicidal as i’ve ever been.
• i have unprotected sex with multiple men. if they ask me if i’m fucking someone else i tell them the truth but if they ask about protection i lie so they’ll keep fucking me without a condom. it also seems to make them feel special that i’d be willing to do that for them. i’m an rn and i know better but i don’t care.
• i’m in love with my best friend but he’s gay and will never love me as more than a friend because i am a woman.
• everyone thinks i’m a goody good because i won’t smoke weed. the only reason i don’t is because i don’t want to be like my parents and ruin my child’s life to get high.
• i want to be a surrogate mom for my friend but i’m afraid it’s only because i want to sleep with her husband

i got my first picture secret!

here are this week's secrets. thank you all again for sharing.

• i clicked on your page to tell you a secret but i got too distracted by all of the pictures on your page. hope you have a good weekend
• “we’re one mistake from being together but let’s not ask why it’s not right you won’t be 17 forever and we can get away with this tonight.” this song fits my situation.
• when my mother asked if the fact that he molested me was the reason i cut, i lied. he ruined my life. thanks for believing me, though, mom.
• i wish my parents would have taken a stronger stand with me in high school. they knew i had depression and eating problems and would express their worry and tell me i should get help but didn’t act on this.
• i had sex with my best friend’s mom. she was my first.
• i wish i could tell you how i felt and you’d feel the same. i wish you could be here for me. i wish you could be someone you’re not.
• i’m so lazy and tired that i barely even shower anymore and my friends have no clue.
• say the word and i’ll quit my job and move to boston for you. the only changes i want to make are so i will fit the mold of some perfect arm-candy for you.
• everyday i get closer to killing myself. the feeling of hopelessness is just too much for me.
• my dad has only a year to live but i wish he would die today.
• i saw your secret. you’re so selfish for thinking that way. i’ve gotten over my suicide fantasies because of him. don’t ruin it for me.
• i’m a straight girl but i watch lesbian porn because i hate the way women are portrayed in hetero porn.
• each day, the eating disorder my mother thinks i’m over gets worse. my doctor told me to return in a month to see if i had improved. that was over a year ago. i’m always sick and i miss school with pathetic excuses and my depression is beginning to show through. i’m so scared.
• i’m too intrigued by her boyfriend.
• i’m in total love with my best friend but i can’t tell her. it’s just too hard.
• i really like him and i know he likes me but we can’t bring ourselves to say it to each other and i fear it won’t go any farther than this.
• i think about my daddy and uncle when i masturbate.
• i smile real big and pretend to be happy when i’m at work dealing with customers. really, i just want to crawl under a rack of clothes and cry.
• every secret about someone missing someone else gives me hope that he might miss me too but is too afraid to tell me like i am too afraid to tell him.
• seeing everyone posting their numbers makes me want to cry. i wish i could be friends with everyone.
• sometimes i wish i never met you. but other times i think of how you’re probably the only person in my life that i would jump on front of a bullet for.
• after fasting for 29 hours i lost 3.5 pounds. i plan to do it again this week. i’ve cut myself over 300 times and i don’t want to stop.
• i still love him.
• i love the song “mmmbop” by hanson!
• whenever i see my best friend’s innocent smile i remember how everyone can be easily hurt no matter how hard they act and how much it hurts to fall in love.
• i want a fresh start but i can’t let him go unless i have someone to take his place. losing his 200 texts a day scares me to death.
• i would give anything for him to talk to me right now. more than that, i just want to see him and hug him. to me that would cure this weak feeling inside of me.
• at this moment in my life i have never felt so powerless, vulnerable, and weak. i feel like i’m disappointing everybody. i want to tell someone how lonely i am.
• i will never be good enough.
• i worry i’m incapable of love. every relationship that starts as love quickly devolves into lust. do i use his emotions to get his body?
• i’ve lost almost all trust in you.
• after being the scared little victim for years i’m finally angry. i want him to be violated too. i fantasize about his death. this sudden hatred scares me.
• i have anxiety depression and constant panic attacks and i can hardly stand the thought of eating anymore and i just want one person to reach out and stay.
• every time i am walking somewhere i still wish he would drive by, realize it’s me, and stop to say hello. i know it will never happen again.
• i hate when people call me a whore or crazy because i’m afraid that it’s true.
• i’m such a cougar and it’s thrilling!
• i’ve been with my boyfriend for over two years. he scares me but i’m even more terrified of what will happen if i leave.
• i hate how everyone feels that receiving love is so necessary when loving others is so much more important.
• more than the guy who got me into drugs, i hate my high school friends who weren’t there for me at my downfall.
• i started cutting again.
• i tell my friends that i would never be the other girl but i really love it because it makes me feel pretty knowing that even though they have a girlfriend they still want me and are willing to mess up a relationship for it. i know it’s bad but that makes it more fun.
• i’m terrified people will think i’m a slut because my best friends are boys. i’m also scared people will think i am in love with my best friend, and some think he loves me, but i just want to be his friend forever.
• i want to tell them all it will be okay. i made small goals to get through each day and before i knew it a year had passed and my problems weren’t so bad. i finally felt like i could handle them.
• i want to have sex with all of my brother’s friends.
• i wish i could stop talking to everyone and just keep to myself. i don’t because of him. he’s the only one who’s made me feel worth it and been there for me.
• i can feel myself changing into a different type of person and i am really excited.
• tonight, everyone from work is going to a christmas event downtown; everyone and their significant others. i feel so left out. when will it be my turn?
• i feel lonely.
• you’re the biggest shithead i know but i’ll try not to give up on you.
• i think i may be pregnant and i’m only a teen but i have a positive outlook about it.
• i try so hard to be everyone’s “go to” when they need anything. that’s all i ever wanted, to be there for everyone, but i feel i don’t do a good enough job.
• i let my dog lick me down there!
• i’ve known him for a week and he has changed my life. i’m so happy i found him and i don’t care what anyone thinks.
• i still blame myself for you losing your baby. if i hadn’t said it might be better without him he would be here in your arms now.
• i’m bi and i wanted to tell my friend (who is also bi) all weekend long but i wasn’t sure if i was ready to tell anyone. i still want to tell her but i can’t.
• i’m sick of being 2nd best.
• i can’t tell my dad i’m gay because i feel like i’m letting him down. how can i tell him he won’t be walking his daughter down the aisle?
• he broke my heart then told me he loved me and needed me back. i gave in because i don’t have enough respect for myself to think i might find someone else that loves me.
• i settle for less because if i have more i will forever be afraid someone will steal it from me.
• i fell in love with you when you took me to get a christmas tree with your family. i finally felt like i belonged somewhere.
• i hate that my brother is home for the holidays. he ruined my life. he doesn’t deserve to be home. i don’t care if he’s paying for my therapy.
• overly religious people annoy me more than i can express. i can't decide if it's because i hate their enthusiasm and certainty about something that can't be proven, or if it's because i envy it.
• i hate my best friend of 12 years because she is fucking my supposedly "gay" other best friend....
• i don’t know why i’m taking the pills. i don’t think i want to be better. i honestly want to feed an addiction, create something beautiful, and go out with a bang
• the fact that i have no gag reflex is eating me up right now.
• i wish you were waiting for me at home with lots of hugs and kisses.
• i feel like it’s my job to fix the world’s problems.
• i’m terrified that i’m falling for this guy and he doesn’t feel the same way. i’m paranoid that i’m rushing into this and am going to get pushed away.
• i want to kill myself but i’m afraid i’ll fail at that also.
• i’ll do anything to stop feeling like i’m losing you to everyone around me. i miss you more than you could possibly comprehend even though you’re right next to me.
• my best friend lost her virginity to a one night stand. i told her i wasn’t disappointed and that i didn’t think any less of her. i lied.
• when he said he felt weird about us, in my mind all i could do was agree. i hope it works out.
• i hope you're not gay and i wish i had never seen those pictures on your computer.
• i laugh and roll my eyes at the fickleness of men but deep down it hurts that i was replaced so quickly.

i'm sorry this is a bit late. i know for some readers this is being posted after midnight on the 9th. computer problems and all. i try. i really do.

i did have something all typed up to put in this space. stuff about trust and honesty but i'm not using my regular computer so i don't have that file with me. i will post it next week.

i was very pleased with the thanksgiving challenge last week so i think i will start incorporating that into a regular feature. it most likely won't be weekly. probably once a month will be all i can do to come up with good challenges that a good number of folks will be interested in responding to. i want to try to keep them topical and seasonal also. this is a bit of a challenge for myself so you all will just have to stay tuned to see how i do.

thank you again for trusting me with your secrets. keep telling folks about the project please. tell them about postsecret and textsecret. encourage them to participate and subscribe. and please, if you are thinking of hurting yourself or are hurting yourself currently, ask for help and get treatment. so much help is available you just need to ask.

have a safe week...

here are this week's secrets...

• after years of letting acne destroy my life accutane saved me. i don't care about the risks and side effects. it was sooo worth it. i finally feel beautiful.
• i go through my ex's comments and top friends and automatically hate every girl on there, no matter who they are, out of mad jealousy.
• i'm angry at myself for really falling for him and being stupid enough to still love him after he left me.
• i wish the texts about being in love with a best friend were about me.
• i think about him 24/7 and sometimes i think he loves me too…
• i wish you would tell me what is under your bed...
• i despise someone i've never met and i hope he's miserable every single day.
• i wish i was disciplined enough to have an eating disorder so i can finally be thin enough to love myself.
• i'm 18, i might be pregnant, and even though i am young, i will take the best damn care of this kid as i possibly can.
• i tried not to fall so hard this time, but i did. he made it easy to want to love him. he broke my heart, and even though i still love him,
• i will never forgive him.
• i moved to oregon to live with my mom and dad and run away from a broken heart. the pain in georgia is still with me here. now i just want to kill myself so i don't have to cry every night.
• i tried to kill myself. i'm 13. i'm truly broken that it didn't work, but i would never try again, because i'm scared of what my mother would think. she scares me so much.
• i hate my best friend's boyfriend because now she would rather be with him. i liked it better when they were broken up during the summer.
• i hope we don't qualify to rent the house so that i won't have to see my sister cry because she'll miss me i think i'll miss her most.
• i think i'm starting to fall in love with an older boy. he makes me feel so special and loved. i'm more excited about the possibilities with him than anything.
• sometimes i wonder if she thinks about me the same way i think about her. hopefully i'll have the guts to do what i've been dying to do for so long.
• i'm lost and alone.
• i think i have a hair fetish.
• i've been a prima ballerina for 16 years and never felt pressured to lose weight. i have a huge show in two weeks. i will starve myself until then.
• everyday i fight my desires in order to remain sane just because my fantasies are considered deviant.
• to the 29 year old afraid of the dark: i'm 33 and push my dresser in front of my bedroom door every night because the dark outside of my room terrifies me so much.
• i had a miscarriage last summer but i didn't even tell anyone i was pregnant because i wasn't sure who the daddy was.
• i'm waiting until the final minute to do all of my final projects for this semester. i've never felt such a rush.
• i'm in love with two people but engaged to only one.
• kiss me like you mean it!
• i like textsecret best because my secrets get posted unlike postsecret where i'm never good enough.
• i have terrifying dreams of murderers and stalkers that turn into waking nightmares when i wake up but can't move at all and am still dreaming.
• i pretend to be happy so i don't make my friends feel bad. i see them happy and it makes me feel even worse. i'm afraid i'll always be this lonely.
• it's ok if he doesn't love me but if i tell him then i'll know for certain and i'll know he's too good for me; just like his friends tell him.
• i got high with my dad and not even my best friend knows.
• she makes me want to hurt her or, even more so, myself. i've thought about suicide just so i won't have to listen.
• i still love you x. i'm not over this and i'm afraid i never will be.
• i cry every time i take a pregnancy test and it comes back negative. it makes me feel like a failure as a woman.
• you never gave me closure and i need it so bad….
• while i was winning races and getting a's in school he was slipping through the cracks and needed help but no one noticed. last night he got arrested.
• on my sweet16 i was 86 pounds and one of the unhappiest people i knew. by my 17th i hope to have lost 10 more pounds.
• one day im gonna stand up and punch that kid who teases the quiet girls in study hall in the face.
• i'm terrified to delete the pictures off of my phone and computer in case the people in them die and i'll never see them again.
• my dad died two weeks before my 18th birthday. 2 days before he die i told him i hated him. it was the only time i had ever told him that. i blame myself. i'm sorry.
• my morbidity frightens me.
• i love my bf so much i want us to have a future together. get married, have kids, and everything. i'm only sixteen though.
• i think I'm in love with him (and it terrifies me).
• i'm sweaty, been up for 18 hours, and starving. i had my first dance recital tonight and the way my bf looked at me when i was up there made me feel beautiful again.
• i stay up all night hoping to hear the words, "you're beautiful" from anyone. i have extremely low self-esteem.
• i don't cut because i'm sad, i cut because it pleasures me. the best place to cut is the hip bone. two slices a night seems a fair reward for each day i endure.
• i only stand for the pledge of allegiance because of my airman. he defends my freedom and i stand to honor him.
• when ppl ask why we aren't dating i just laugh and say because we're bffs. really i want to scream, "i don't know! i fucking love him!" and i really hope he loves me the same.
• i peed the bed once and blamed the dog.
• "did my heart love until now? forswear it for i never saw true beauty till this night" is how i felt the first time i saw him and that hasn't changed even after 6 months.
• i keep looking for love in all of the wrong places. the only reason i keep looking is because when i was in love was the only time i've ever been happy.
• even though it's been seven months, i still think about you every single day.
• i don't open up well and i'm afraid it will ruin my relationship someday. i'm only open and honest when i text strangers.
• i'm sick of being ditched because her mom likes those friends better.
• i'm scared for my friend, that he will hurt himself and i won't be able to help. he's pushed me away and i don't know where he is.
• i love you but because you're a boy and i'm a girl ppl think it's a romantic love. you're a great friend who makes me feel useful and i'm happy to be here to save you.
• my exbf says he loves his new gf all the while keeping a huge secret from her; me.
• i'm falling in love again and i thought i never would. it might be because he reminds me of my first love. i hope he stays with me.
• i just tricked my best friend into telling me her darkest secrets.
• i don't trust anyone.
• i am 20 and have never been kissed or done anything with a guy because i'm always told my friend is hot instead of me. i'm afraid i never will.
• i heard the old conway twitty song "it's only make believe" and realized it is exactly us, or me, and i don't know what to do about it.
• what scared me most when i was waking was when i realized i would never be able to take my life. now i have nothing to get me through the days.
• if i were removed from the equation the world would be a better place.
• i miss her so much and wish we could rewind and do it all again. i want to tell her but i'm afraid she doesn't want me anymore.
• you told me how you feel but you haven't proven it. until you can make me feel special again i won't believe you.
• i've had sex with my sister's ex twice now. it would kill her if she knew. i'm not attracted to him, i just need a warm body next to me sometimes.
• i love her more than life itself but i sometimes get scared that i'm not really gay.
• i feel like a horrible person for thinking my friend is annoying when she goes on about what happened to her.
• i pray everyday that i'll get into a fatal accident because i don't have the balls to off myself.
• my ex asked if i had sent nude pics of myself to a friend and i lied and said no. i didn't want him to know and think i'm a slut because i still love him and want him back.
• you were right. i am giving up on you.
• i've never tried to kill myself and i'm not in love with anyone. i feel very alone reading this blog.
• i must clean. dust is the devil's snow.
• i love my bf but i seek attention from random guys because i'm so insecure. i wish i could change.
• i still get giddy when he calls even if i'm mad at him. i just can't help it.
• my mind is so capable of dark and twisted thought it scares me.

textsecret

as thanksgiving is this week (in the u.s. at least) i want to try an experiment. a challenge, if you will. i want to introduce a theme. send me a text with the one thing you are most grateful for. tell your friends to do the same! when dealing with secrets, we spend much of our time mired in negativity, anger, hatred, doubt, and regret. i want everyone to send me a text telling me about what you are most grateful for. it’s an exercise in gratitude and positive thinking (i need it as much as anyone…), then come back next week to see how the experiment worked!

some random thoughts for this week’s blog:

• there are much worse things that could happen in life than ending up like your parents. i understand though, as a child and a parent. and as a parent, let me say, that my worst fear for my son is that he’ll end up like me.
• we are a collection of families, towns, cities, states, and nations of secrets. the entire world is a community of secret keepers. what would happen if we had no more secrets to keep?
• be careful what you wish for!
• anyone who smokes should be required to spend at least one day each month cleaning up cigarette butts off of sidewalks.
• therapists are not all the same and going to one therapist will not yield the same results if you go see another. sometimes the chemistry is off. don’t give up on therapy just because you’ve had one bad experience; or two, or five or ten. finding the right therapist is like finding the right pair of shoes; you have to find the proper fit, otherwise you’ll get blisters and want to quit walking. don’t quit walking!
• secrets stem from fears and fears lead to anger and anger leads to suffering. but the only person that will suffer is the secret keeper because no one else knows what is going on.
• honestly accepting yourself and who you are is vital to happiness.
• hell is not a destination we could end up at after death. hell is one of the many emotional states we can experience in our everyday lives, along with love, enlightenment, and anger.
• i sometimes edit the secrets i get for content and length. i try to get to the core of the secret being told and leave some of the stories behind. i hope that is ok. i think it makes the secrets a bit more accessible.

as always, thank you for sharing your secrets with me. here are the secrets for this week:

• i’m in love with a married man. his wife thinks i’m her best friend.
• if he doesn’t visit me tonight i am going to pursue the other boy.
• he told me he had a crush on my best friend. he doesn’t know how much that hurt. i still love him.
• i’m scared to death i’ll end up alone. everyone says i’m too good for you, but the thing is, i don’t believe i am good enough for anyone.
• i used to be a professional escort (high class prostitute). i loved it and if i wasn’t married i’d still be doing it.
• i wish i could stop fooling myself and admit that i have no real reason to stay. what i can’t figure out is why i’m still here.
• sept. 1, 2006 i had a baby. i am pro-choice but have personal issues with abortion. i gave him up or adoption. i told one person. no one noticed.
• i wish something bad would happen to me so i wouldn’t have to try to get sympathy and so my life sounded more exciting. i’m too happy. i need something to vent about.
• i wish i had died when he did.
• i’m 24 with a great husband, great job, great friends, and a great life and i still run off and cry if i’m the ugliest girl in the room.
• he’s 10 years older than me, just got out of prison, and isn’t even supposed to be in this state. but he worships the ground i walk on. he loves me and i love him.
• i truly believe he won’t commit because he’s intimidated that my best friend is a boy.
• i wish i was weak enough to come to class crying.
• i need a lifeline from her, anything at all, but she even changed the password for the bog that she doesn’t even use.
• that fight we all had made me closer to the two of you. i will never stop loving you guys.
• i pisses me off when people i hate like the same obscure music i do. i feel like they’re trying to rub it in like they know a secret of mine.
• i lost my virginity last month. i found out this weekend i got a std. i believe it when he says he didn’t know. but i hate that i was perfect until 21 and now i feel tainted and dirty.
• i have feelings for people until they fall for me. then i run, terrified, with my tail between my legs.
• sometimes i’m afraid that i’m only sad because it’s trendy. then i make a list of everything wrong in my life and i remember why i cry almost every night.
• i’m scared that i’ll let myself down.
• my best friend doesn’t hang out with me anymore because i don’t do drugs. the only time we hang out is if we’re drinking or she’s on some substance.
• i’ve been through too much to honestly be able to say that i no longer know “right” from “wrong”.
• i found out in may that the best and worst feeling in the world is kissing the person who broke your heart.
• i’ve been living in nyc for 3 years. i’ve never fallen for someone more then all the times i took for granted in my hometown. i want it back.
• my ex-bf’s gf’s mom poisoned her last week and he came 2 me 4 help. i want her better but i don’t want them together. i still love him even after all the hurt.
• i’m a guy and porn makes me feel inadequate. doesn’t mean i can’t stop watching.
• even if he doesn’t tell me he loves me he still makes me the happiest girl alive.
• i hook up with so many people, even people who my friends like, because it makes me feel less ugly.
• i don’t think i will ever be happy again.
• to the person who felt bad for pigeons last week: i love pigeons and i’m sure someone loves you too.
• i think i hate one of my best friends.
• i honestly think i’m keeping them together and i think my siblings do too. i hope she leaves.
• i’d be happy to stay in my house the rest of my life if it meant i’d be with him.
• every time i look at my dress i think about the woman i should be marrying not the one that i am marrying.
• i think i’m in love with x but he’s with her. they have a baby. i know he and i could be amazing together.
• i cut not because of depression but because i’m afraid i’m slowly losing my ability to feel anything.
• i pray for her everyday just in case there is a god that would listen and offer her some kind of divine intervention. it’d be horrible for an eating disorder and depression to take such a sweet person.
• when i lie in bed next to her i can’t decide if i want to be her wife or kill myself. she doesn’t make me happy but i love her to much to leave.
• i only feel strong and brave when i help other people through their own problems.
• even after everything i still love him.
• i can’t stop thinking about him.
• i want to ride my bike into oncoming traffic.
• i got myself pregnant on purpose and he forced me to get an abortion. i hate myself for being manipulated and it’s the hardest thing 2 live with and i can’t tell anyone.
• i have no idea who i am and in an attempt to figure it out i seem to have become someone i hate. it scares me.
• i’m not lesbian or bi but i think women are way sexier than man. naked women turn me on.
• my husband pays for the sins of my ex.
• i am 29 and terrified of the dark. i’m too embarrassed to let my partners sleep over at night in case they want me to turn off the lights.
• if i had known my in-laws back then like i do now i never would have married my husband even though he is great.
• i kick myself for not having sex with you…. i could have been a married stay at home mom now like her instead of a single mom. it saddens me deeply.
• i am afraid i will always be number 2 in my boyfriend’s life and never be able to share number 1 with his son.
• i am so in love with him and so miserable because of it.
• i contemplate taking my entire bottle of sleeping pills in one dose. i don’t do it because i fight with myself everyday about when, where, and what the note would say.
• i wish he would finally realize that he belongs with me.
• i guess i’d be considered a prude but i’d lose my virginity to tom delonge any day.
• i don’t know how to get over him and i don’t know if i want 2.
• i just found out that my ex is divorced from the guy she cheated on me with and she and her crazy ass mom and her kids have been in and out of battered womens shelters because of the guy she’s w/ now. i couldn’t be happier about it. karma’s a bitch!
• my best friend is the reason i feel so terrible about myself yet i still am so loyal to her. god, i wonder if she even cares about me.
• i’m not joking when i say i’m going to end up alone and every time i say it i want someone to honestly tell me that i won’t but they still laugh at me.
• why can’t you just choose me? don’t you realize how amazing it could be? stop picking all the girls who hurt you! i don’t know if i can keep waiting.
• when he told me that i was ‘little girl and kitten’ cute it completely shattered the little self-confidence that i had. now i feel ugly all the time.
• i lie so much that i barely know what my true feelings are about anything. it drives me insane.
• to the person who has been wanting to kill his/herself since they were seven: don’t worry, i have been too. i can’t wait to make everyone realize i’m not lying about my need to be away from here.
• it’s not that i hate being alive so much as i’m just tired of living.
• i feel so disgusting when i masturbate because i’m huge.
• my now husband cheated on me when we were in high school over thee years ago. i now have a 2 month old with him and i don’t trust him. not sure if i love him.
• i’m tired of my happiness being a familiarity kind of content. i want to be happy. not just content.
• some days i love him and other days i hate him. i wish he would stop loving me so i didn’t have to decide. i will spend the rest of my life with him because i will never be strong enough to break such a wonderful person.
• i want my boyfriend’s mom to go to jail or get her kids taken away. she doesn’t deserve them.
• my p.e. coach taught me how to catch more than just footballs.
• i can never forgive my father for leaving me alone on christmas last year. it was the first christmas since my mother passed and he left me by myself!
• i’ve never had a relationship because i know that i’ll be crushed. i’m not good enough.
• i am in love with my best friend.
• i secretly wish my boyfriend would beat me. i want him to make me miserable because that is the only way i know how to be happy.
• every time i get into a car i hope it crashes along the way.
• my boyfriend is moving across the country tomorrow. everyone thinks i’m so sad but mostly i’m just relieved.
• i’m so scared i’ll never feel alive again.
• i got pregnant to keep him around but it didn’t work. i’m now raising a special needs toddler by myself and i realized that i don’t need him.
• sometimes i blow my nose and later wipe myself with the same tissue after using the bathroom.
• i’m just another textsecreter who is in love with their best friend.
• i wish i wasn’t such a whore before i met him so he could be the first one to touch me. i feel impure.
• i’m so much fucking more than meets the eye. no one gives enough of a shit to look past my beauty.
• i love my vibrators and benwa balls more than anyone could imagine. my toy box is full of colorful toys.
• i know that my mother loves my sister more than me.
• even though they dislike me i hope they both get into the school of their dreams.
• i create all of my problems, eliminate people i love, and now i’m completely drowning in them all alone.
• i think i’m in love with my karate instructor’s son.
• i pretend to have ocd so then people don’t suspect that i take anti-depressants because i’m depressed.
• i don’t know how to tell people how i really feel. it’s in my head but the words don’t come out. it makes me feel very small.
• i don’t want to lose my virginity to angry rebound sex. i still think about telling you this but i don’t want to further complicate the matter.
• my pastor’s wife is dying from cancer. i honestly believe god can heal her but if that’s not part of his plans i’d take all of her pain away in a second.
• i gave my twin his first bj and he was the first to eat me out. now i'm jealous of his gf cuz i want more.
• i’m a girl and i date girls just because i’ve been hurt so bad by guys i can’t trust them but still just want to be cared about.
• i feel invisible through to my soul.
• i fell in love with my best friend from high school the summer before we left for college. we went to an all girls school – how cliché. the realization of my sexuality has freed me. i stopped cutting, quit smoking, and above all i felt alive invigorated and awakened to a whole new depth of love that i have in my heart that i never knew before. 3 weeks ago she told me that she couldn’t “do this” anymore. and that she’d been sleeping with a frat brother at her school since last spring. in one terrible moment, my body and my heart went numb. i haven’t been able to feel a thing since.
• i refuse to learn how to text and it annoys all of my friends but mostly my wife. i had someone else send this for me…
• every time i babysit i pretend that he is mine. but then i’m afraid i’ll be a psychotic nanny like that character from one tree hill.
• i teach ap classes and give better grades to the girls that flirt with me.
• i laugh about them with my friends but i’m secretly flattered when random pervs message me on myspace.
• i want to close my eyes and not open them until i feel you on top of me.
• you are slowly destroying my life. i hate that i’m letting you. i can do better but i still can’t cut the cord because i feel like i need to save you and i’m pretty sure i’m in love with you.
• i’m so tired of listening to my bff lie when i know the truth. part of me just wants to stop talking to him but the rest of me loves him too much.
• i know u think i forgave u but i hate you for what uve made me become. u turned me into an insecure, trustless wreck.
• my relationship with her is highly unorthodox and is the best i’ve ever had.
• my estranged aunt told my family that my cousin died in a car accident over a year ago but said she would call the cops if we went to the funeral. there’s a facebook group in her memory but i still believe with all my heart she’s alive.
• i supported your oxy habit because i liked your personality better when you’re on it. it’s unbearable to watch you withdraw but you have sucked my money dry and now i have to let you suffer. the scary part is now i’m addicted too and i don’t know how to help either of us.
• i’m in love with someone who will never love me back. he doesn’t know how i feel about him but makes a point that we’re just friends.
• when you said that you could always read what i was thinking from my face you put the first crack in my carefully calculated façade. it scared me.
• i’m pretty sure that i am bi.
• i’m a lesbian and I’m afraid that i won’t be allowed to be a successful teacher so i’m changing majors.
• i don’t think i could ever tell my mom that my biggest fear in this world is ending up like her. it’s happening.
• even though i’m in a great relationship i love making up online aliases and masturbating with strangers. sometimes i’m on webcam too!
• i love him still after he cheated on me with my best friend and got her pregnant. everyday i wonder about what could’ve been if i hadn’t miscarried and told him i was pregnant.
• just because i like to smile and laugh ppl think i’m dumb. i’m actually in the top 15% in my class, all honors, and it pisses me off when they say that.
• the first time someone told me they loved me i was talking to someone online. i’m scared to let myself have feelings for them cuz i know i will be judged.
• i read other people’s secrets and it makes me feel a little better that i’m not the only person who feels like this.
• i receive texts everyday, telling me the secrets of strangers but i hold on to mine as if my life depended on it. i truly think i would cease to exist if i let go of my secrets.