textsecret

thank you all for sharing. here are this week's secrets:

• i have the doctors, my family, and friends convinced that i have a terminal illness but i don’t. i take the meds and all.
• my live-in boyfriend of three years is not in love with me anymore. i don’t know what it will take to end it with him since i haven’t yet.
• no one knows how scared i really am.
• i have herpes and just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me. i want to give him herpes so he will think she gave it to him.
• my granddad is dying. i have no idea what to do.
• the more you tell me to sleep more, eat regularly, study more, the more you push me away. i know what i'm doing. i'm here, aren't i? i know i can do this and the more you tell me to "take care of myself" the more aggravated i get at this place. don't push me away after i've learned to trust you.
• my mom died when i was 12. my daddy hasn’t been with anyone else. now i’m 17 and he’s dating and i hate her because i want to be the only woman he wants in his life.
• i’m in lust with a 19 year old guy. i’m 31. i wouldn’t want my son dating someone that much older. i feel like such a loser.
• i think i was raped by a classmate while in kindergarten and now i’m scared shitless.
• i was attracted to him before i knew him. now he’s my best friend and i think i love him. i’m pretty sure he feels the same but what if he doesn’t?
• deep down there’s a part of me that wants to be a housewife.
• last semester i had a crush on a guy in my class. we became really good friends so i decided to take one of the same classes with him this spring. now we’re in the same room and it’s awkward.
• i wish i was 18 so i could get antidepressants without my mom knowing. she is sure i’m not depressed and she doesn’t trust those drugs anyway.
• i lie awake every night until 11:11 waiting for another foolish chance to wish for true love.
• i wish to fall in love every 11:11
• i’m having a affair with a woman my mom’s age and it turns me on so much when she calls me her little boy!
• part of me doesn’t want to move in with him because he doesn’t like cats. i love cats.
• i’m half black and i feel bad for not really caring about obama becoming president. all of my friends were making a big deal about inauguration day too but i was just happy my school kept cancelling classes.
• when i got my new blackberry storm i told everyone i hated it just to sound spoiled.
• i’m not as strong as people think.
• i have so many secrets i don’t know who i am anymore.
• all through this you turned me into we. if i said i couldn’t do something you said we could but now you don’t and i’m all alone and it hurts.
• i hit myself. the bruises come from me.
• i admit i have a problem invading my boyfriend’s privacy but i can’t stop now that i’ve learned i can’t fully trust him.
• i’m really sick of trying to be perfect but i have to keep trying because i’m afraid of disappointing my mom.
• i’m so egotistical that i think he’s gay because he rejected me.
• i am truly over him but when we are together i can’t help but think how amazing it would be if we dated.
• i wish i had a terminal illness so make a wish would grant my wish to meet zach roloff.
• you’re my best friend but i’d pick them over you any day. i know that sounds bad but i want friends and i have more when you’re not around.
• i hate it when girls decorate their myspace pages with tributes to their boyfriends but really i’m just jealous.
• he doesn’t know how afraid i am of losing him. i love him so much.
• it was never simple with you, just extravagant. i’m ready for simple.
• i tell my dog everything because i know he’s the only one who’ll never judge me.
• just when i thought i had it all together my dad died and my mom got laid off. i can’t express how fucked up i think the world is.
• i finally realized he will never be the guy i want him to be; i can’t keep wishing he will be one day. it’s over.
• i say i love myself but i don’t i just don’t have the will power to have an eating disorder.
• i get upset when he talks to other girls.
• i leave the door open when i shower so my little brother can look in.
• i never realized how stupid and fake she was until she broke my heart.
• i told him i was over him because i know that’s what he needed. i’m letting him leave with a clear mind even though it’ll kill me everyday he’s gone.
• i married the wrong guy. i’m totally in love with his brother.
• i have a huge crush on obama. his ears turn me on.
• i anonymously call his favorite radio station and request his favorite songs when i know he’s listening. i miss him so much.
• they all told me not to talk to them when i’m unhappy. now they think i’m happy but i still cut. i just don’t tell them because i know they don’t care.
• you’re better for me than he is. fuck you for showing me that.
• i’m a senior in college and i masturbate more than a 15 year old boy. my boyfriend doesn’t know how much i do it without him.
• i’m terrified the girl my boyfriend cheated on me with is having his baby.
• i lie a lot and about anything.
• i cry during romantic comedies because they show me how much i’m loved.
• my younger sister calls me anorexic. at 15 and pregnant, i weighted 165 pounds. 17 months later, i weigh 99 pounds. i’m finally admitting i need help.
• i use my cell phone as a vibrator.
• i pretend to hate how many different guys my mom brings home but i love listening to her get fucked.
• i just came back from a cruise where i fell for a boy in a week out at sea. i have a boyfriend, and now i don't feel anything for him. i'll never see the boy from the ship again.
• i want him to leave his wife and come back to me. everything was so good with us and everything is so shit with her. why doesn’t he see that?
• i’m over her and now she’s mad at me. i thought this is what you wanted?
• i’m afraid no one would believe me if i told them i work out for an hour every night.
• i let a mall santa touch me when i sat on his lap. i went back three times.
• i saw his girlfriend in the bathroom and i considered telling her everything he wants kept in his past.
• i don’t have a crush and i don’t know why but i think there must be something wrong with me.
• i’m in love with him and i’d do anything for him but i don’t know how to tell him
• i’m terrified that my boyfriend will make our break permanent if i’m too clingy but i love him and i don’t know how long i can hold that back.
• i was strong enough to say no when i wanted to give in so badly. i left with a smile instead of a regret.
• when you left, it felt like you sliced me open and gutted me, leaving me to be just an empty shell. i’ve never loved someone as much as i love you, and i don’t believe that i ever will. as much as i hate you right now, i know that no woman will ever be able to care about you as much as i do. and when you realize that, i’ll still be here. when i said forever, i meant it. because i literally loved you so much that it hurt. every time i saw you i was so overcome with emotion that i didn’t know what to do or think and it just ended up causing me pain. you still are my whole world. please realize that.
• i wish i was stronger, that way i would tell you i have feelings for you again, and not play it off as "my friend hacked my msn".
• my biggest fear is that i will be a failure in the eyes of my children.
• my big sister practices giving blow jobs on me
• i have the biggest crush on this "emo" girl at my school, but i can't talk about it to anyone, because then they would know i am bi and they would all hate me.
• my sister caught me taking her panties out of the hamper. i told her i was selling them to a friend but really they were for me to use when i masturbate.
• i just want to be loved like that.
• i’m angry at the world right now.
• i don’t think i can take another day of this. i want to end it all. i already have everything planned, from the note to the tombstone.
• i tried to make a move on my gay friend. i hate the way i feel after stupid drunk nights.
• i am proud of the fact that i am finally able to unlock most of the special texts he sent to me.
• i lied. i didn’t quit. i’m sorry. i tried.
• i am going to texas with my boyfriend to meet the rest of his family. i’m nervous and excited at the same time. what if they don’t like me?
• i’m bi-sexual and i’m head over heals for a girl. the problem is she is straight. it breaks my heart to know i’ll never be with her.
• friday night i came the closest i’ve ever come to killing myself. i called the suicide hotline and it saved me.
• please just catch me if i fall and don’t let me go. i hope this day gives us a future to look forward to.
• every time i walk in on my boyfriend looking at porn i feel like i’m not good enough for him. i hate that he makes me feel like that.
• i’m planning on making the biggest mistake of my life but it’ll make me happier in the long run. i’ll never be what you want me to be.
• ever since he fingered me in the movie theater seeing ‘the omen’ every time someone says the word evil i get wet. nobody ever made me feel the way he did.
• i’m jealous of every girl who is skinnier, prettier, and happier than i am.
• there is no part of my life that makes me happy because i have never fit in anywhere and i’m afraid i never will.
• today’s the day. i finally get to say goodbye.
• for the first time in months i didn’t talk to my best friend before bed. he didn’t call because he now has a new girl in his life. i can’t believe i’m so jealous of someone neither of us knows.
• i wanted my dog to die before i talked to my ex-best friend again so something big will have changed since she left. now my dog is gone and i feel awful.
• i’m a freshman in college. statistically i shouldn’t be here and sometimes i wish i wasn’t and that i would end up a cocaine addict like my parents.
• i’m mad at my two best friends for ruining my twentieth birthday by being mad at each other. i hate that they are so selfish they can’t put aside their differences for me.
• i hate my ex-best friend's new girlfriend so much that i took the time to find out where she lives and i fantasize about breaking her neck.

textsecret

several secrets over the past few weeks have made me think of this song…

is it wrong not to always be glad?
no, it’s not wrong but i must add
how can someone so young
sing words so sad?
sheila take, sheila take a bow
boot the grime of this world in the crotch dear
and don’t go home tonight
come out and find the one that you love and who loves you

(sheila take a bow – the smiths)

i know it probably isn’t my place to determine what is a secret and what isn’t but i am doing it anyway. i get nearly a hundred new secrets each week and i post nearly all of them but an incredibly small percentage get omitted because i just do not recognize them as secrets. i’m not going to make a list of requirements, a faq of secrets, or keywords i look for to determine what is in and what is not. i don’t want people to edit what they send to me, or try to format their texts just to get posted. i want you all to feel free to send in whatever it is that you want to say. sometimes what is sent in just isn’t a secret though. like i said, it is an incredibly small percentage each week. this may upset, offend, and/or anger some of you. I’m sorry if that is the case. i mention this because i want you all to have full disclosure and as complete an understanding of what i do as possible.

so, last week i had received a secret twice. twice! the person was concerned they hadn’t sent it to the right phone number, which is why they sent it twice. even with it in my phone two times i still somehow failed to include it in the original post of secrets so i had to include an addendum. i’ve included the secret again this week just to make up for it not being there in the first place. i do apologize, i will try not to let it happen again. as always, thank you for sharing.

here are this week’s secrets:

• i read so many secrets last year about how people's sole goal for 2008 was to not live to see 2009. i hope they are all still alive and i want them all to know that i love them even if it seems like no one else does. i love them and i will always love them.
• my mother blames it on me when it is her fault but of course i could never tell her that because it hurt her more than it hurts me.
• he knows that i’m in love with him but we haven’t spoken to each other about it. a majority of time i think it’s because he doesn’t want to break my heart but there’s still a part of me that thinks it’s because he may feel the same way and that he’s scared. i hope it’s because he’s scared.
• sharing my secrets on here is more helpful and satisfying than any therapy session or pill taken. thank you!
• my family is racist. they hate gays. i’m bi. i want to adopt a child from another country. maybe i’ll change them.
• i really hope you come to my party even if the only reason you come is for the weed.
• my dad is in the marines and is a real mean drunk. the other day i caught my mom having sex with my best friend. now i’m making them both give me bjs on demand so i won’t tell my dad what i caught them doing.
• the only things stopping me from killing myself is i want to do more drugs and i want to see what will happen with us.
• growing up i’ve hated my mother so much i’ve wanted her dead for leaving me alone. now i don’t know what i’d do without her.
• i’m such a loser but i pretend to have life figured out. people think i’m great but they don’t know the lies i tell. i’m bad with money and i’ve had three abortions.
• someone sent me a secret that they are a virgin. i wanted to tell them to stay one as long as they can because sex ruins everything.
• i wish so deeply everyday that something horrible or tragic will happen to him or i so i have a good enough excuse to talk to him and for him to love me again.
• why can’t he just tell me already? i feel so alone.
• i think i’m in an abusive relationship but i’m not sure. i love him too much to leave but i’m getting so scared. not for my life but for the realization of this.
• i’m doing adderall just because i want to lose weight. i’m drinking four shots of vodka every day so i can keep going.
• if he doesn’t marry me on march 15th then maybe it’s a sign that he never will then i will have to move on and forget the last three and a half years ever happened.
• we say that we think of each other like brother and sister but i’m not sure how honest we’re being with ourselves.
• i just found out that i had a miscarriage. i’m only 16 but i’m really distraught by it and i blame myself. i feel so horrible.
• i have a boyfriend but i can’t help fantasizing about doing sexual things with other guys. i feel really bad about it but i can’t stop.
• i love him and took him back but i’m afraid that when i go back to school i’ll want to be single and party pointlessly again.
• after an hour or so of getting ready i still don’t feel pretty. it terrifies me that i will never be good enough.
• a kid on my school bus told me she is pregnant today. i smiled to her face but when my bus was empty i cried for her. she brought me back 13 years.
• i’ve been neglected, molested, and screamed at all my life. now i’m just neglected. how do i compete with a machine?
• i’m only alive because i can’t find an effective way to kill myself.
• i’m so in love with you but i’m scared to tell you because you might either not believe me or laugh in my face rather than say you feel the same about me.
• when i gave my daddy a hug on christmas morning because he gave me car for my present i felt his hard on through his pants. it excited me more than the car.
• i was an accident. i feel like if i had never been born then perhaps everyone else’s lives would be easier too but i know if i kill myself that will make it worse.
• i have a crush on my straight male friend.
• i want just him. i don’t want to be a whore. i want to stick with one person. he wants to wait a little bit. i hope it’s worth it.
• when i watch shows on the holocaust and hear the sirens my body cringes and i become scared and i just can’t shake the feeling.
• i give a blowjob to the man i babysit for whenever his wife lets him drive me home.
• after 6 months of recovering I haven’t felt like myself. i’m slowly slipping back into anorexia and it feels like coming home.
• the worst thing about finding out that the guy i fell hardest for used me and wasn’t over his ex is that i have to go to school and make people think i’m happy.
• he and i are so similar that it scares both of us too much to act on the similarities. i’ve never known anyone like him and i know he knows no one like me either.
• i must keep it together. i have to keep it together. i gotta keep it together. i don’t want to keep it together anymore.
• i wish he would propose already. i know we’re young and i know i’m hard to put up with but i would change everything if he asked me to marry him.
• my life goal is to become a pirate.
• i’m afraid i moved in with him just to get away from where i was.
• sometimes these kids make me doubt myself as a teacher.
• i no longer care about you but i still get excited when you look sad because you are seeing how happy i am with him. i was never this happy with you.
• my dad’s room is right above mine and i masturbate when i hear his bed squeaking because he’s playing with himself. i want him to be my first.
• all of my friends are lovesick and i don’t really mind i just kinda miss the way things were when boys still had cooties.
• “[he] could be a friend in my eyes but [he] looks good today and [he] is so alive”. exactly what i think every fucking time i see him.
• i feel more connected to the strangers i share secrets with than i do with my friends or family.
• he’d be pissed if he could see me when i lift my shirt, suck in my gut, hold my breath and smile at my ribs while i whisper “beautiful” with the air i have left.
• my friends, not my family, are what keep me from killing myself because i know i would be devastated if it was one of them that did it.
• i would honestly rather break my arm than write papers for class.
• i order most of my shirts from threadless and the designs are so cute and witty that i’m offended when i wear one and nobody compliments me on them.
• some nights i don’t want to fall asleep in fear that he’ll call and i’ll miss my chance to hear his voice. this is so stupid because he hasn’t called in weeks.
• my best friend broke up with her boyfriend and already has 4 other guys waiting to date her. i have never had a boyfriend, been kissed, or even had someone like me i'm just the loud, obnoxious girl who is okay with being single, even though i'm really not
• i’m falling in love with a girl i’ve never met and it’s even harder because she’s a 41 year old professional and her family refuses to accept that she’s a lesbian.
• i'm afraid i'll never be the same.
• my brother and i slept in the same room until my mom caught us fooling around last month. i’m so lonely in bed now.
• no one believes that i'm still a virgin; i'm 33.
• every time i see a secret that has to do with 'twilight', i think i die a little on the inside. stupid books.
• i'm a boy, and that didn't stop my stepfather from molesting me.
• my "friend" isn't aware that in order for me to finally be happy, i need to get rid of her and stop trying to be a friend to her. she's done nothing for me and it's time for me to live happily without her. i couldn't be happier.
• two more years until i can move out and forget everything and everyone.
• i had sex just to say i had sex. i regret it no matter what i tell everyone else.
• there’s a new kid at school and he looks exactly like a guy i met online. i was so excited that maybe there was a guy that wouldn’t be so disgusted by me.
• my girlfriend is in love with me but i’m in love with my best friend. i’m only with my girlfriend because my best friend won’t have me. it’s not going to last.
• for five dollars i let guys touch my tits on the school bus. for ten they can see them.
• he talks about marriage sometimes but always tries to make it sound like he’s joking. the idea terrifies me but i can’t imagine loving anyone else.
• he’s my best friend and i love him but he’s becoming indifferent to me again. i just want someone to care that i’m self-destructing.
• my grades have slipped but i love smoking weed too much to stop. if he asked me i would though. that’s how much i love him.
• i’m scared to death that my son will grow up to hate me like i hate my parents and my father hates his
• i had a dream that my marine boyfriend snuck into my room to sleep next to me and in the morning gave me 20 plane tickets to see him. i wish it were true.
• i met a guy through texts about three weeks ago. he claims to be in love with me. he’s emotionally unstable. i’m too nice to tell him to leave me alone.
• my fiancé dumped me. i thought everything was over. now i’m dating my best friend from before her. everything is amazing but i feel guilty that i was able to move on so quickly.
• my mom thinks i’m working for her best friend on the weekends but really she’s just paying me to have sex with her.
• i’m hanging out with my friends but all i can think about is how i’m going to go home and cut.
• i was two months pregnant but i had a miscarriage. i feel so guilty. i think it was my fault.
• i sent in a secret a month ago and forgot it. now i can’t help reading through them and wondering which is mine. it’s liberating not being able to find it.
• ever since you left i’ve had a missing piece that i can’t fill.
• i wonder if my parents realize just how much i lie to them.
• i hate my best friend.
• the butch i was falling for is still in love with her ex. it hurt me more than i thought when she jumped ship but thankfully she was honest. i wish i was more like her.
• i will never forget the night when my dad drove drunk with my five year old brother and my mom and i had to drive around different cities to find him. it scarred me forever and made me hate alcohol. it's incidents like these why i will never drink. i'm sticking to apple cider on my wedding day.
• it’ll be our one year anniversary in april. he’s my first true boyfriend and i love him with all of my heart. i wish we could stay together forever but i’m afraid fairytales like that don’t happen anymore.
• he just stopped talking to me one day. i’ve thought about him everyday, though less over time. i just wonder if he thinks about me.
• when my mom gets mad at me i get scared that she will put me back up for adoption.
• i got drunk at a party and had sex, for the first time, with two different guys. that week i was worried i got pregnant or had hpv. i think i have the later.
• thanks to you i know about postsecret. too bad i only want to hang out when i’m drunk. you are a good person. i am not. i wish the best for you.
• i wish i had cancer instead of you. you’re too young and you have a life going for you.
• you are the only one i don’t try to push away.
• two days ago i packed my bags and headed to a hotel to get away from my parents and the constant negativity and arguing. i drove out of town only to cave and come back home. only one person knew i was leaving and she said "let me call you right back." sad thing is still no one else knows and no one even bothered to call me and ask how i was for those several hours. i think this reaffirms that if i went missing or something happened no one would notice except for the fact of not having me around to do things for them.
• i tell guys my best friend is a slut so they won’t fuck her but i do it to she doesn’t get hurt or pregnant.
• i still really want to be a model.
  
• i’ve thought about faking my funeral to see if anyone cares enough to show up.
• i wish my best friend would at least pretend like he cared because it kills me that he doesn’t seem to care about me like i do him.
• it’s my own fault that he doesn’t want me back. i wish i could take him back but i keep telling myself that he abused me in multiple ways. i love him though. i always will.
• i have commitment issues. i love my boyfriend more than anything but i don’t feel like he loves me. maybe i’m not good enough for him either.
• why can’t he just realize that he deserves to be with me? it hurts when he tells me he doesn’t.
• i’m thinking about killing myself now that it’s over. not over really but because it’s proven to me that every person in my life has torn me apart.
• i love sports and video games but wear make-up and high heels. why can’t i find a guy who can deal with that?

1000 secrets!

textsecret addendum: i apologize for this, i really do. i received a secret last week and forgot to post it. the sad thing is i received the secret twice! so the sender sent another text, after i posted on monday, asking why. there is no secret agenda or conspiracy to hide this one secret. i just missed it. i feel so stupid and bad. so here is the missing text. again, i'm sorry for missing this one. again, thank you all for sharing...

• i read so many secrets last year about how people's sole goal for 2008 was to not live to see 2009. i hope they are all still alive and i want them all to know that i love them even if it seems like no one else does. i love them and i will always love them.

i'm posting my 1000th secret this week. it seems hard to believe but it's true. thank you all for sharing. here are this week's secrets...

• i'm afraid that absence will make my heart forget.
• whenever my best girl friend and i argue over whether our guy best friend likes me or her, i sometimes wish she was right, or i was wrong. i don't even like him as anything but a best friend, i just want to know it's possible for someone to like me as something more than a friend, or at all.
• i don’t let him touch me because it reminds me of him and what he did to me.
• i feel suicide would be the only way out. i feel there is nothing for me here. i feel there is no one for me here.
• i wish i could send him a "happy birthday" wish just to see his reaction... but i'm sure his wife, my parents, and the one i'm with would be disappointed. i'm over him and everything that happened between us and yet i want to talk to him and ask him, "why?"
• i’m afraid i’m never going to be god at anything. i have a degree and am working in my field but i don’t think i’m good at my job.
• i’m finally doing what i want in life and i’m scared as hell but it never felt so good.
• i’m amazingly vain and i crave attention constantly. at the same time, i hate myself and the way i look.
• my boyfriend taped a girl peeing and i hate how he tapes me but i can never leave him because no one else will ever want me.
• i hate that i put on my myspace that i’m taken and my boyfriend’s says single.
• i slept with one of my closest friends, who is a co-worker, and also happens to be engaged.
• in 21 days i’ll be 21. i realized tonight that i’m not excited to be legal to drink. i don’t even drink. i’m more excited that i lived long enough to see 21.
• my old friend and i were inseperable. then she ruined my life. i hated her. i’d give up all of the new friends i’ve made to be best friends with her again.
• my mom wrote a suicide hotline number on my bathroom mirror. that broke me.
• i wish i had been born a boy. then i wouldn’t be so vulnerable. i wouldn’t have been molested. i look better as a boy. if only my lips were thinner and my jaw sharper…
• if i eat more than 500 calories in a day i feel like a whale. i’m not even thin so it feels like it doesn’t matter anyway.
• i’ve been fooling around with my married ex. he was mine first. sad truth, i still love him and should’ve had his baby. thanks for the support mom and dad.
• i love him more than i’ve ever loved anyone. he’s engaged to a woman he doesn’t love. he isn’t leaving her because he’s “comfortable”. i won’t stop loving him.
• i knew she was bad for me i just didn’t realize how bad until new year’s day. i let go and in doing so I became a much better me.
• my best friend is dating my ex, my first love, they have no idea how much that kills me. he’s such a jack-ass now. he used to be the nicest guy i knew. i can’t stand him now. he’s so mean to me, always yelling and bitching me out. why do i keep chasing him? i’m done.
• i don’t keep secrets.
• i’m white. since college i’ve been so attracted to black men. i had sex with a white guy last night and it was off. i wonder if it was just him or because he is white. i feel that i need to have sex with another white guy to know. i’m so jaded.
• i’m afraid to be myself in front of anyone because they all think i’m gay even though i’m madly in love with the girl of my dreams.
• it makes me sad when people talk about suicide. i’d give anything to live longer. life is special.
• i’m 21. i lost my baby 3 years ago. it’s always harder on january 12th. a part of me dies everyday.
• i am pooping blood and it scares me so badly but i don’t want to go to the doctor because i’m scared of them putting a finger in my butt.
• i want to o to prom with you but you won’t ask because mine is on the same day as yours. i’d miss mine for you but i’m afraid to say his even though you are probably thinking the same thing.
• i can’t leave him and i know i never will. but i wish i had fallen in love with someone who i could talk to or thought my quirks were cute and not faults.
• i take zoloft for my anxiety attacks. i wish my dad would take it for his depression and stop ruining our family with his pessimistic attitude and cold heart.
• my best friend died to months ago while drunk driving. i’m worried that she will think i loved her less because i stopped crying so soon.
• i’ve had two fathers die, was molested by my brother, and have been on the other side of the country from my family since i was 18. this break-up is what’s sending me over the edge. i guess i’m not as good at controlling my emotions as i thought.
• i want to die but i feel too guilty about leaving my best friend alone to deal with his problems but i don’t know how much longer i can handle my own.
• i’m so insecure about my weight it stops me from pursuing my dreams.
• i just want him to purpose so we can live happily ever after. he’s asked my dad and he has the ring, now i’m just waiting.
• Tomorrow I see you for the last time before you’re deployed. promise me that you’ll come back because then i’ll be able to tell you i’ve fallen in love with you.
• “forbidden to remember, terrified to forget, it’s a hard line to walk.” that’s my favorite and least favorite line from ‘new moon’ because it makes me think of you. I miss you.
• the 12th is my ex’s birthday. i want nothing more then to spend it with him but he’s spending it with her. i’m too afraid to even text him happy birthday.
• my best friend and i woke up to look at this week’s new secrets. you posted both of ours and we were able to spot each others immediately. thank you for showing us another meaning of best friends.
• i hate what she has become.
• i’m having an emotional affair with a guy i’ve never met who lives three states away and i think i’m really starting to love him. it’s pathetic but i can’t stop.
• my father’s girlfriend thinks i’m bitter because my mother is on drugs when actually i’m just bitter about fake whores like her who are trying to sleep with my father.
• i still want to die so thanks for nothing.
• i want to die.
• i have never had an orgasm and i’m afraid i’m one of the few people who are unable to.
• i worry too much about him and it stresses me out but i can’t help but care. he’s the best friend i’ve ever had.
• i know i should work on not cutting but part of me doesn’t want to get better
• i’m scared that i will never believe in the things that most people believe in. i wish i didn’t over think everything and could just go with things.
• i want to have an illegitimate child so that people would see that i wouldn’t abort it but mostly i just want to have a baby and i want it to be his.
• my boyfriend is waiting until he proposes to say ‘I love you’. we’ve been together 3.5 years and i have loved him since day one. i can’t wait until i hear those three words.
• i feel like a horrible person for wishing his possible baby’s mama would die. we just found out her daughter is dying of a rare blood disease. i think it’s my fault.
• i think I go for guys who are unattainable so i won’t have to deal with the pain of rejection.
• i’m scared to let go. he was the first boy to treat me like that but hurt me. i need to move. i am because i deserve better but i don’t want to lose the friendship.
• i think you’re masochistic or psychotic to put up with me. maybe it’s your falcon kicks? but i’m still really grateful that you do.
• my friends tease me saying that my co-worker and i are going to get married and have hobbit children because we’re both so short. the truth is i’m in love with him for real and he will never know.
• i don’t feel anything when i have sex. i keep sleeping with in hopes of feeling something.
• i’m in love with someone else but you’re the first boy to make me feel something. you may be the one to save me.
• i think my destiny is to kill myself.
• i’m losing my job, friends, and house in this economy and i just threw my boyfriend of five years away so i could lose weight and hopefully find a better man.
• my dad was never home when i was a kid and now when he finally is around i want nothing to do with him. i see the hurt in his eyes and don’t care.
• i hooked up with the guy my sister wanted to marry and ruined everything.
• every time i’m front row at a show i want to mess with all of the buttons on stage and blame it on the poseur scene girls next to me.
• my boyfriend asked me to move in with him and i said yes even though i didn’t really think we were ready. my biggest fear is that he’ll ask me to marry him and i will say yes even though i’m not sure he is the one.
• i hope my bf figures it out and forces me to make a decision. i don’t know which of you i would choose. i feel more secure with him but i love you like no other.
• i’m never good enough for anyone no matter how hard i try. it’s a horrible feeling.
• my mom thought i was taking a nap but the blood says otherwise.
• i like the feeling of making myself bleed.
• i think my best friend is starting to love me more than he will admit. he knows i like someone else but responds by saying he hates this other guy he barely even knows. i just want him to understand.
• i’m miserable.
• make believe is better than the real world 99 percent of the time. he was the one percent that made the real world better. he loved me then gave up because i went out with his best friend. now i’m in love with him and he’s done.
• i’ve known how i wanted my life to be since i was 8 and being in love with you is changing all of that. i’m not sure if i’m ready for the commitment.
• stop saying you miss me and start showing me for once, genius. i hate so many things about you but i can’t help but think about how perfect you can be.
• the only reason I’m not anorexic is that I don’t have the will power.
• i’m kind of with my ex-girlfriend again and everything is great but I still think about the girl I left her for in the first place. I’m afraid that girl will always have my heart even though she never gave me a chance.
• i’m sticking around just because i don’t want to prove you right about people but i really want to leave you.
• i’ve never dreamt about a single person as many times as i have about him.
• i am a married woman who fell in love with a married man online. we did things i’m not proud of and we got caught by his wife. i feel like i’ve had my heart ripped out because i can no longer talk to him. i cry every night because i miss him so much. i know i shouldn’t but i can’t help how i feel.
• my boyfriend and i got back together. i used to be so in love with him but now i want to be with the guy i dated while we were broken up.
• my dad is dying. i don’t know if i would be as sad if it were my mom even though she’s done nothing but love me my entire life.
• i would give anything to be in love.
• i got into a costly hit and run accident over a week ago. i’ve felt so guilty and paranoid ever since. only my bf knows.
• i’m just going to wait until i find edward cullen because it seems like no other guy gives a damn.
• i would never kill myself but i sometimes wish that i would get into an accident or something. sometimes, i just can’t take all of this at once.
• my mom is married and has three kids including me. i just found out she’s sending out pictures of body parts, that are supposed to be left unseen, to other guys. i’m so disgusted with her.
• i wish i could hold you, make your tears stop, mend your broken heart. i wish you could heal mine. most of all, i wish i didn’t love you anymore.
• i wish we could’ve loved each other at the same time but i guess it was not meant to be,
• i like him! there, i said it.
• even though everyone keeps telling me it was the right thing i still feel like letting her go was the wrong thing to do.
• i dream that he tries to reach out to me through post or textsecret.
• i want to be with him forever but that’s what i said about my ex too.
• why am i never satisfied?
• i was disappointed when the pregnancy test came back negative.
• i am sick of carrying my best friend’s secrets. i wish she would tell him she cheated and not make me carry this anymore.
• i really just want a hug. it would make my brain stop spinning for a wrinkle in time and for that moment things would be ok.
• he thinks i cheated on him only once but it was more like forty. i get frustrated when he pushes me away. the only thing stopping me from wanting him back is the fact he slept with someone else on the day we broke up. he says he loves me but i don’t believe him because of her.
• i’m 22 years old and my mom hits and chokes me. she threatened to throw herself down the stains to put me in jail. i stay because she’s disabled and i’m broke.
• he asked me if i loved him and i couldn’t answer because i was afraid it was a trick question. the answer would have been yes and now i have to wait to tell him so he doesn’t think i’m making it up.
• i fell in love with my best friend’s boyfriend and i was sad when they broke up because it meant no more flirting when she left the room.

i'm a trusting person. at least, i'd like to think that i am. i want to believe in an inherently good and honest nature for people. i want to believe in the benefit of the doubt. i want to think people aren't lying to me just for the sake of lying.

nobody asks to be lied to. i certainly don't. and as part of this project, i trust that when people are sending me texts they are honestly sending me secrets and not just making things up because they are bored.

i got a text recently admitting to just such a thing. the person admitted to sending in up to three or four texts per week and that they were all lies. she said she was bored and wanted something to do so she sent me texts under the guise of them being secrets. this cut me to my core. this shattered my entire illusion that what i was doing was allowing people to get secrets off of their chests, or that i was somehow helping someone get a grasp on the enormity of their feelings because of whatever secret they were hiding.

[i immediately saved the number to my phone in order to identify any more "secrets" she might send in. she sent more. i never posted them.]

in sharing this, i'm not looking for validation, sympathy, solidarity, or anything really. i'd still like to believe i am doing something good. something right. something helpful. i will continue to do this and post secrets as long as they continue to come to me. i guess i'm a bit sad about it though because now i can't help but look at each secret with a cynical eye or with a healthy dose of suspicion. i'm sorry about that. i just can't read them the way i used to. i cannot outright distrust any of you or what you are sharing (i still truly want to believe in the honesty and integrity of the project) but it is telling what one bad apple can do and how easily a bubble can be burst....

as always, thank you all for sharing. here are this week's secrets:

• every time i do something that reminds me of my dad i want to cut myself as a reminder not to ever do it again.
• i want him to get over his shyness. he likes me and i like him and i hate that i’m such an outgoing person and he’s afraid to show it.
• i’m lez
• everyone thinks i lied to him. truth is he’s the only person i’ve been completely honest to.
• i waited too long and now she’s taking you from me. you couldn’t possibly understand how heartbreaking it is but it’s my fault.
• i bailed out on my sisters and some friends tonight (new year’s eve) because i didn’t want to be the only one who had no one to kiss at midnight.
• i almost feel beautiful when i’m practicing kendo. it is also when i feel the most inadequate and ugly.
• i wish we could go back to that day in august. i wish you would talk to me. i wish we could have a second chance. i wish you would be the person you’re afraid to be.
• i’m wondering why i’m even planning on starting the new year when i don’t think i’m going to live until the end of it.
• i’m worried i’ll never get a boyfriend because every new friend i’ve made in the past year is gay and i’m not.
• i’m in love with my best friend. she loves me but i don’t know how to tell her.
• someone once told me, “there is something more to you, and you just have to let people in to let them see it. i’m not sure what it is but i love it” and it bothered me.
  
• i love my boyfriend and have never been happier with anyone else but his kid is a manipulative little monster with a nasty temper and attitude and i don’t know how much longer he will be enough to keep me there dealing with her.
• sometimes i ruin my life just to see if i can fix it.
• i am so bitter.
• i wish i had more friends so i could afford to rent a house and take my pets and me away from the bullshit of my family.
• i just lost my virginity to a boy and the entire time i thought of my ex-girlfriend that i’m still in love with.
• when i move i hope we can build some sort of a relationship. i really hope you’re still alive and i hope you want it as bad as i do.
• i’m more excited when you text me than when my boyfriend does. i’m scared. please don’t make me fall for you.
• i regret putting him up for adoption.
• i recently cut off a dear friend. her judging me more for being kinky than when i dated another woman was the final straw. i’m officially out of the kink closet!
• i honestly think i would give up just about anything to have someone i could call my own. just someone to love.
• while i sat at her funeral today i planned my own suicide down to the minute. i watched her family crying and friends mourning and i realized this isn’t about me and my selfishness it’s about loving her and praising her life despite its length. by the end of the evening i stopped thinking about the glorious ways to poison myself and started living the way she did, full of compassion and love. if i don’t live for me she is my only reason.
• my teacher asked me what i wanted in life in front of 30 peers. i wanted to say that i want every single person in this world to know someone loves them. i told him money instead.
• i texted the boy i like. i told him i like him. i thought i would regret it but in fact i’m glad i did it and it made me feel good.
• i’m still in love with my ex and it’s been over three years. he was my first boyfriend. the first person i told about the cutting. the first person to ever care.
• i’m scared of failing my senior year because no one in my family has ever made it this far. the sad thing is, not only am i handicapped but i have many other obstacles i have to overcome.
• i’m afraid that i’m going to die alone and that no one will love me. what’s wrong with me?
• every day i wonder why i’m such a failure and why i’m alive. then i think of my niece but i’m not sure if i’ll make it past the age of 18. i just turned 17.
• tonight i’ve realized i don’t want death i just want the pain to stop permanently. it won’t. time to make a decision.
• i’m so afraid of failing that i’ve already given up on my future. also, i think i was molested as a kid but i don’t remember.
• i give up. suicide is worth it.
• i hope you get caught. i really do. and since you won’t on your own i might tell her. she has a right to know. merry christmas you imbecile.
• the only way me and my dad bond is when we’re getting high, otherwise we’re fighting.
• i’m afraid i have too much love in my heart for this world.
• i like tentacle porn.
• i have no idea what to do. i’m just so confused and hurt that it makes me sick to my stomach. i wish i could just know the truth.
• i go to the same college my grandma went to. i wish she had left me a journal or something so i could know what it was like when she was here. the only thing i know is that she hated it.
• i really want to be bi but i think my parents would disown me and i would get kicked out of my church.
• they tell me i’m the strongest person they know. at 15 i’ve been through it all. they don’t know i have to sleep with a night light in fear he will kill me.
• my new year’s resolution is to date boys who i’m really interested in for a change.
• even though i gave up on caring about relationships, love, and everything else, i still cry at night because i know i will never have any of it.
• i think guys don’t like me because i’m fat. i’d do anything to be skinny and confident.
• i hate when you don’t talk to me but i ache when you do.
• you were one of my best friends. we’ve grown apart now and i’m not taking the blame. i think you’re annoying and stuck up now and you’re the one that wanted to forget about me. now you’re such good friends with her that when i try to make an effort to talk to you i feel like you’re being fake or just don’t care.
• it’s been seven months and i still hurt because of you every damned day. i try not to care but i do. put half a country between us or half a room and i still feel the same. someone make it stop.
• i’m the one everyone goes to with a problem but for once i wish they would see beyond my happy upbeat personality and realize i need someone to listen to my problems too.
• he broke my heart twice, even after all that i still pray for his safety before mine. i know he doesn't care about me anymore but i still care for him.
• gordon ramsey is hot!
• i always have some fantasy going on in my head. it makes reality a little bit more bearable.
• i'm incredibly in love with my ex and would literally lay my life on the line for her. i would drop everything to be with her at any given moment, all i need is to hear her say she needs me. i just don't know how to tell her.
• i'm really sad because frank took a 'break' from posting secrets on the last sunday i'll ever be on this earth. it's the only thing i'll miss.
• i think my little sister is having sex for money.
• i’m not a lesbian or even bi but i’d give just about anything to fool around with my best friend. i think it’d be fun.
• everyday i get up and fight myself for my own life.
• even though i’m on my period i’m still terribly afraid that i’m pregnant.
• i wanted to tell you yes. yes i am. but this is wrong and i’m sorry. i can’t break his heart. i can’t break your’s. so i’ll just let mine shatter quietly.
• i don’t care if it seems like we’re moving really fast. i’ve never felt so confident of anything in my life. you’re amazing.
• my husband is at war yet i don’t worry about him as much as i think i should. does this make me a bad person?
• my fiance left me tonight and i want to take as many pills as i can to make the pain go away.
• this year, things need to change because i don’t know how much longer i can go on if they don’t.
• my bf is in the military. i cheated on him tonight after he wouldn’t tell a stranger he was taken.
• i miss you. whenever something funny happens or i’m feeling alone i think about calling you. i never do.
• i love him and everyone says we are meant for each other but i think i’m still in love with my ex, too.
• i talk to him everyday because i’m afraid that he’s actually thinking of suicide.
• i love my husband more when i’m sleeping with my mister behind his back.
• i miss you. i want you to be ok.
• i made him suicidal. oh god, please forgive me. it’s my fault if he dies. please take care of him. don’t turn him away. he has such a beautiful soul.
• i think i’m in love with my friend. all i want is for him to be happy. it breaks my heart whenever he is sad and i do everything i can to pick him back up again. i’ll tell him… …someday.
• i’ll be praying for you.
• i told him i don’t want to have sex until i’m married but that’s a lie. i just want to wait until the time feels right.
• i want to take my anorexia to the next stage but every time i try i feel like a failure because nothing comes up.
• i don’t know if i want to get better because i think i will hate the better me as much as i hate the depressed me.
• i love college and i’m excited to teach soon but i’d give it all up to be a mommy. i can’t wait. i don’t care if there’s a ring or a husband.
• i’m waiting for our cycle to start again.
• i want to be able to say something to make you smile, cheer you up, give you hope, but i don’t know what you need to hear. i’m sorry.
• the only reason i watch "the fairly odd parents", is so that i can dream about what i would wish for if fairy god parents were real.
• the more you told me you loved me, the more i fucking hated you. thanks for nothing.
• he loves me! i know! i tell him about my boyfriends. i want him to hate me! it would be easier then disappointing him and never meeting up to his expectations as a lover! you see: i love him too, and i can never be what he wants me to be!
• whenever i go to a concert i always expect something special to happen and when it doesn’t i don’t like the band as much afterwards. i feel shallow for that.
• he broke my heart and i forgave him. now he wants it back and i’m afraid i don’t have the power to say no.
• i need to make money and i feel like the only way i can make that money is to sell myself.
• worst idea ever: leaving my fiance for my best friend.
• him loving me is not the threat to the future of your relationship. him not loving you is though.
• i’m happy he is gone.
• my new year’s resolution is to stop being so insecure. i won’t ruin the best relationship i’ve ever had because of my lack of confidence.
• i’m still in love with him but he’s engaged to the girl he cheated on me with.
• i can’t look my dad in the eyes after he caught me in the shower with my boyfriend seven months ago.
• i’m as close to suicidal as i’ve ever been.
• i have unprotected sex with multiple men. if they ask me if i’m fucking someone else i tell them the truth but if they ask about protection i lie so they’ll keep fucking me without a condom. it also seems to make them feel special that i’d be willing to do that for them. i’m an rn and i know better but i don’t care.
• i’m in love with my best friend but he’s gay and will never love me as more than a friend because i am a woman.
• everyone thinks i’m a goody good because i won’t smoke weed. the only reason i don’t is because i don’t want to be like my parents and ruin my child’s life to get high.
• i want to be a surrogate mom for my friend but i’m afraid it’s only because i want to sleep with her husband