textsecret

as thanksgiving is this week (in the u.s. at least) i want to try an experiment. a challenge, if you will. i want to introduce a theme. send me a text with the one thing you are most grateful for. tell your friends to do the same! when dealing with secrets, we spend much of our time mired in negativity, anger, hatred, doubt, and regret. i want everyone to send me a text telling me about what you are most grateful for. it’s an exercise in gratitude and positive thinking (i need it as much as anyone…), then come back next week to see how the experiment worked!

some random thoughts for this week’s blog:

• there are much worse things that could happen in life than ending up like your parents. i understand though, as a child and a parent. and as a parent, let me say, that my worst fear for my son is that he’ll end up like me.
• we are a collection of families, towns, cities, states, and nations of secrets. the entire world is a community of secret keepers. what would happen if we had no more secrets to keep?
• be careful what you wish for!
• anyone who smokes should be required to spend at least one day each month cleaning up cigarette butts off of sidewalks.
• therapists are not all the same and going to one therapist will not yield the same results if you go see another. sometimes the chemistry is off. don’t give up on therapy just because you’ve had one bad experience; or two, or five or ten. finding the right therapist is like finding the right pair of shoes; you have to find the proper fit, otherwise you’ll get blisters and want to quit walking. don’t quit walking!
• secrets stem from fears and fears lead to anger and anger leads to suffering. but the only person that will suffer is the secret keeper because no one else knows what is going on.
• honestly accepting yourself and who you are is vital to happiness.
• hell is not a destination we could end up at after death. hell is one of the many emotional states we can experience in our everyday lives, along with love, enlightenment, and anger.
• i sometimes edit the secrets i get for content and length. i try to get to the core of the secret being told and leave some of the stories behind. i hope that is ok. i think it makes the secrets a bit more accessible.

as always, thank you for sharing your secrets with me. here are the secrets for this week:

• i’m in love with a married man. his wife thinks i’m her best friend.
• if he doesn’t visit me tonight i am going to pursue the other boy.
• he told me he had a crush on my best friend. he doesn’t know how much that hurt. i still love him.
• i’m scared to death i’ll end up alone. everyone says i’m too good for you, but the thing is, i don’t believe i am good enough for anyone.
• i used to be a professional escort (high class prostitute). i loved it and if i wasn’t married i’d still be doing it.
• i wish i could stop fooling myself and admit that i have no real reason to stay. what i can’t figure out is why i’m still here.
• sept. 1, 2006 i had a baby. i am pro-choice but have personal issues with abortion. i gave him up or adoption. i told one person. no one noticed.
• i wish something bad would happen to me so i wouldn’t have to try to get sympathy and so my life sounded more exciting. i’m too happy. i need something to vent about.
• i wish i had died when he did.
• i’m 24 with a great husband, great job, great friends, and a great life and i still run off and cry if i’m the ugliest girl in the room.
• he’s 10 years older than me, just got out of prison, and isn’t even supposed to be in this state. but he worships the ground i walk on. he loves me and i love him.
• i truly believe he won’t commit because he’s intimidated that my best friend is a boy.
• i wish i was weak enough to come to class crying.
• i need a lifeline from her, anything at all, but she even changed the password for the bog that she doesn’t even use.
• that fight we all had made me closer to the two of you. i will never stop loving you guys.
• i pisses me off when people i hate like the same obscure music i do. i feel like they’re trying to rub it in like they know a secret of mine.
• i lost my virginity last month. i found out this weekend i got a std. i believe it when he says he didn’t know. but i hate that i was perfect until 21 and now i feel tainted and dirty.
• i have feelings for people until they fall for me. then i run, terrified, with my tail between my legs.
• sometimes i’m afraid that i’m only sad because it’s trendy. then i make a list of everything wrong in my life and i remember why i cry almost every night.
• i’m scared that i’ll let myself down.
• my best friend doesn’t hang out with me anymore because i don’t do drugs. the only time we hang out is if we’re drinking or she’s on some substance.
• i’ve been through too much to honestly be able to say that i no longer know “right” from “wrong”.
• i found out in may that the best and worst feeling in the world is kissing the person who broke your heart.
• i’ve been living in nyc for 3 years. i’ve never fallen for someone more then all the times i took for granted in my hometown. i want it back.
• my ex-bf’s gf’s mom poisoned her last week and he came 2 me 4 help. i want her better but i don’t want them together. i still love him even after all the hurt.
• i’m a guy and porn makes me feel inadequate. doesn’t mean i can’t stop watching.
• even if he doesn’t tell me he loves me he still makes me the happiest girl alive.
• i hook up with so many people, even people who my friends like, because it makes me feel less ugly.
• i don’t think i will ever be happy again.
• to the person who felt bad for pigeons last week: i love pigeons and i’m sure someone loves you too.
• i think i hate one of my best friends.
• i honestly think i’m keeping them together and i think my siblings do too. i hope she leaves.
• i’d be happy to stay in my house the rest of my life if it meant i’d be with him.
• every time i look at my dress i think about the woman i should be marrying not the one that i am marrying.
• i think i’m in love with x but he’s with her. they have a baby. i know he and i could be amazing together.
• i cut not because of depression but because i’m afraid i’m slowly losing my ability to feel anything.
• i pray for her everyday just in case there is a god that would listen and offer her some kind of divine intervention. it’d be horrible for an eating disorder and depression to take such a sweet person.
• when i lie in bed next to her i can’t decide if i want to be her wife or kill myself. she doesn’t make me happy but i love her to much to leave.
• i only feel strong and brave when i help other people through their own problems.
• even after everything i still love him.
• i can’t stop thinking about him.
• i want to ride my bike into oncoming traffic.
• i got myself pregnant on purpose and he forced me to get an abortion. i hate myself for being manipulated and it’s the hardest thing 2 live with and i can’t tell anyone.
• i have no idea who i am and in an attempt to figure it out i seem to have become someone i hate. it scares me.
• i’m not lesbian or bi but i think women are way sexier than man. naked women turn me on.
• my husband pays for the sins of my ex.
• i am 29 and terrified of the dark. i’m too embarrassed to let my partners sleep over at night in case they want me to turn off the lights.
• if i had known my in-laws back then like i do now i never would have married my husband even though he is great.
• i kick myself for not having sex with you…. i could have been a married stay at home mom now like her instead of a single mom. it saddens me deeply.
• i am afraid i will always be number 2 in my boyfriend’s life and never be able to share number 1 with his son.
• i am so in love with him and so miserable because of it.
• i contemplate taking my entire bottle of sleeping pills in one dose. i don’t do it because i fight with myself everyday about when, where, and what the note would say.
• i wish he would finally realize that he belongs with me.
• i guess i’d be considered a prude but i’d lose my virginity to tom delonge any day.
• i don’t know how to get over him and i don’t know if i want 2.
• i just found out that my ex is divorced from the guy she cheated on me with and she and her crazy ass mom and her kids have been in and out of battered womens shelters because of the guy she’s w/ now. i couldn’t be happier about it. karma’s a bitch!
• my best friend is the reason i feel so terrible about myself yet i still am so loyal to her. god, i wonder if she even cares about me.
• i’m not joking when i say i’m going to end up alone and every time i say it i want someone to honestly tell me that i won’t but they still laugh at me.
• why can’t you just choose me? don’t you realize how amazing it could be? stop picking all the girls who hurt you! i don’t know if i can keep waiting.
• when he told me that i was ‘little girl and kitten’ cute it completely shattered the little self-confidence that i had. now i feel ugly all the time.
• i lie so much that i barely know what my true feelings are about anything. it drives me insane.
• to the person who has been wanting to kill his/herself since they were seven: don’t worry, i have been too. i can’t wait to make everyone realize i’m not lying about my need to be away from here.
• it’s not that i hate being alive so much as i’m just tired of living.
• i feel so disgusting when i masturbate because i’m huge.
• my now husband cheated on me when we were in high school over thee years ago. i now have a 2 month old with him and i don’t trust him. not sure if i love him.
• i’m tired of my happiness being a familiarity kind of content. i want to be happy. not just content.
• some days i love him and other days i hate him. i wish he would stop loving me so i didn’t have to decide. i will spend the rest of my life with him because i will never be strong enough to break such a wonderful person.
• i want my boyfriend’s mom to go to jail or get her kids taken away. she doesn’t deserve them.
• my p.e. coach taught me how to catch more than just footballs.
• i can never forgive my father for leaving me alone on christmas last year. it was the first christmas since my mother passed and he left me by myself!
• i’ve never had a relationship because i know that i’ll be crushed. i’m not good enough.
• i am in love with my best friend.
• i secretly wish my boyfriend would beat me. i want him to make me miserable because that is the only way i know how to be happy.
• every time i get into a car i hope it crashes along the way.
• my boyfriend is moving across the country tomorrow. everyone thinks i’m so sad but mostly i’m just relieved.
• i’m so scared i’ll never feel alive again.
• i got pregnant to keep him around but it didn’t work. i’m now raising a special needs toddler by myself and i realized that i don’t need him.
• sometimes i blow my nose and later wipe myself with the same tissue after using the bathroom.
• i’m just another textsecreter who is in love with their best friend.
• i wish i wasn’t such a whore before i met him so he could be the first one to touch me. i feel impure.
• i’m so much fucking more than meets the eye. no one gives enough of a shit to look past my beauty.
• i love my vibrators and benwa balls more than anyone could imagine. my toy box is full of colorful toys.
• i know that my mother loves my sister more than me.
• even though they dislike me i hope they both get into the school of their dreams.
• i create all of my problems, eliminate people i love, and now i’m completely drowning in them all alone.
• i think i’m in love with my karate instructor’s son.
• i pretend to have ocd so then people don’t suspect that i take anti-depressants because i’m depressed.
• i don’t know how to tell people how i really feel. it’s in my head but the words don’t come out. it makes me feel very small.
• i don’t want to lose my virginity to angry rebound sex. i still think about telling you this but i don’t want to further complicate the matter.
• my pastor’s wife is dying from cancer. i honestly believe god can heal her but if that’s not part of his plans i’d take all of her pain away in a second.
• i gave my twin his first bj and he was the first to eat me out. now i'm jealous of his gf cuz i want more.
• i’m a girl and i date girls just because i’ve been hurt so bad by guys i can’t trust them but still just want to be cared about.
• i feel invisible through to my soul.
• i fell in love with my best friend from high school the summer before we left for college. we went to an all girls school – how cliché. the realization of my sexuality has freed me. i stopped cutting, quit smoking, and above all i felt alive invigorated and awakened to a whole new depth of love that i have in my heart that i never knew before. 3 weeks ago she told me that she couldn’t “do this” anymore. and that she’d been sleeping with a frat brother at her school since last spring. in one terrible moment, my body and my heart went numb. i haven’t been able to feel a thing since.
• i refuse to learn how to text and it annoys all of my friends but mostly my wife. i had someone else send this for me…
• every time i babysit i pretend that he is mine. but then i’m afraid i’ll be a psychotic nanny like that character from one tree hill.
• i teach ap classes and give better grades to the girls that flirt with me.
• i laugh about them with my friends but i’m secretly flattered when random pervs message me on myspace.
• i want to close my eyes and not open them until i feel you on top of me.
• you are slowly destroying my life. i hate that i’m letting you. i can do better but i still can’t cut the cord because i feel like i need to save you and i’m pretty sure i’m in love with you.
• i’m so tired of listening to my bff lie when i know the truth. part of me just wants to stop talking to him but the rest of me loves him too much.
• i know u think i forgave u but i hate you for what uve made me become. u turned me into an insecure, trustless wreck.
• my relationship with her is highly unorthodox and is the best i’ve ever had.
• my estranged aunt told my family that my cousin died in a car accident over a year ago but said she would call the cops if we went to the funeral. there’s a facebook group in her memory but i still believe with all my heart she’s alive.
• i supported your oxy habit because i liked your personality better when you’re on it. it’s unbearable to watch you withdraw but you have sucked my money dry and now i have to let you suffer. the scary part is now i’m addicted too and i don’t know how to help either of us.
• i’m in love with someone who will never love me back. he doesn’t know how i feel about him but makes a point that we’re just friends.
• when you said that you could always read what i was thinking from my face you put the first crack in my carefully calculated façade. it scared me.
• i’m pretty sure that i am bi.
• i’m a lesbian and I’m afraid that i won’t be allowed to be a successful teacher so i’m changing majors.
• i don’t think i could ever tell my mom that my biggest fear in this world is ending up like her. it’s happening.
• even though i’m in a great relationship i love making up online aliases and masturbating with strangers. sometimes i’m on webcam too!
• i love him still after he cheated on me with my best friend and got her pregnant. everyday i wonder about what could’ve been if i hadn’t miscarried and told him i was pregnant.
• just because i like to smile and laugh ppl think i’m dumb. i’m actually in the top 15% in my class, all honors, and it pisses me off when they say that.
• the first time someone told me they loved me i was talking to someone online. i’m scared to let myself have feelings for them cuz i know i will be judged.
• i read other people’s secrets and it makes me feel a little better that i’m not the only person who feels like this.
• i receive texts everyday, telling me the secrets of strangers but i hold on to mine as if my life depended on it. i truly think i would cease to exist if i let go of my secrets.

textsecret

a few weeks ago, halloween passed by and i found myself explaining to new acquaintances why i don’t get excited about the prospect of a good masquerade or why i don’t like to at least dress up to hand out candy to all the kiddies. every time i find myself explaining something that i’ve had to explain time and again i also find that i reassess my explanations and question the honesty and integrity of it. i’m desperately trying to find the real me and desperately trying to live an honest life of integrity. it’s not enough to tell people i just don’t like it. it’s not enough to explain that my father never took my sister and i out for tricks and treats. it’s not enough to explain that my japanese mother never understood what was going on. not when i am explaining and justifying my ideas and actions to myself.

i recently started watching the latest additions to the doctor who catalog. the new series has been on in england for three years now and has been a huge hit for the bbc, critically and popularly. it is carrying on a nearly 40 year tradition of the doctor who character and universe.

i’ve always been a fan of science fiction. i am a child of the star wars generation after all. my sister has always been a fan of star trek and since i simply liked watching tv i watched kirk, spock, and sulu with her. over time i’ve come to learn that many of the shows i enjoyed would be considered sci-fi. the twilight zone, logan’s run, amazing stories, battlestar gallactica, the x-files…. i’ve never identified as a fan of sci-fi but now i realize that i am.

one of the great things about sci-fi is its ability to use allegory and metaphor to explore stories relevant to current social and political topics. like any other genre, when sci-fi is done well, good writing and good acting, many interpretations and conclusions can be reached. the new doctor who is currently a singular example of both consistently good writing, and acting.

during one of the episodes, the doctor and his companion are on a satellite orbiting the earth that is beaming 24hours of news to the residents down below. people are going missing and no one is questioning it until the good doctor shows up.\

he soon discovers that there is an enormous amount of energy being used to cool the top level of the station. he explains to his companion that the only reason anyone ever needs that amount of energy is to hide something. they go on to discover an alien controlling the station and foil the plot to brainwash humanity to turn them into slaves.

the standard explanation i give for my distaste of all that is halloween is that i just don’t understand the excitement adults get out of putting on costumes and masquerading around all night acting in all manners of which they would not normally dare. i find it ironic that people put so much time, money, and energy into this one night every year when, if we are honest with ourselves, we all wear numerous masks everyday to fit with whatever situation we find ourselves in. we pretend to be doctors and lawyers, teachers and students, debt collectors and retail sales people. in even closer detail, within those categories we find ourselves working in from day to day, we will wear different masks to fit the numerous situations we encounter.

as i thought about this explanation and my other reasons for not getting into halloween this year, i realized it was disingenuous at best and not entirely honest to say that “i just don’t get into it”. it is true that a certain amount of my disinterest in halloween has to do with disinterest and confusion handed down from my parents and so not being indoctrinated at an early age does have something to do with how i feel now.

mostly though, i think my disinterest comes from the fact that i expend so much energy every second of every minute of every hour of every day hiding my secrets and my true self from the rest of the world. i am convinced that i would be rounded up by an angry, torch-bearing mob if i came out from under my layers of masks and showed the world what i’ve been hiding underneath. i am exhausted from it. i am drained. i’ve looked for alternative fuel sources, coffee, soda, and medications, but i am near depleted each night when i get home.

i haven’t had a good night sleep in over two years. i’m restless, tossing and turning, i wake up two or three times a night, and nearly always wake up around 5:30am and just stay awake. it doesn’t matter what time i go to bed i still wake up. i’m just tired and people will say that to me everyday. i look tired. it’s obvious. i think i’ve probably aged 15 years in the last five. at this rate, i should be retiring within another five years and dead within ten.

i don’t mean to be a killjoy. i don’t want to rain on anyone else’s parade or holiday. i’m just trying to explain why halloween isn’t a big deal to me. i wear a disguise everyday and it is what people know me as. the real monster is underneath waiting for me to let my guard down…

**********************************

there was a virtual explosion of secrets this week. i suspect that as we get closer to the holidays the volume of secrets will not slow down. i found that i once again had to remind myself that when i get a text using the pronoun "you" it isn't referring to me personally. i get confused sometimes and wonder why i am the target of an angry text or of a text that is incredibly sweet but clearly not meant for me. i always remember though and move on. so here are this week’s secrets, and as always, thank you for sharing with me.

• as i watch my loved ones around me find boyfriends and girlfriends i use sex to pretend that it makes me feel the same as being in love… but it’s never the same.
• i miss who i used to be. i want to go back to being the girl i was before i met and fell for you. i liked her much more than this new person that looks back at me in the mirror.
• i read porn during my classes
• i think he still knows i cut myself and that is why he treats me so delicately.
• i’m most afraid that i don’t love him anymore but i’m too scared to leave him because i don’t think anyone will ever love me as much as he does.
• i don’t feel sorry for all of the people i walk all over. it’s their faults for lying down in front of me.
• i have had sex with so many people that i don’t think a normal relationship will ever be possible. my self-worth and ego are ruled by their words. i hate it.
• my boyfriend and i live sixty miles apart but what scares me most is that i’m getting used to it.
• all i want is his kiss, nothing more.
• i want to get back with my wife and she wants me back but i’m scared of what my girlfriend will do if i left her.
• i miss my father. every time i see a man at work who is brown and has a heavy accent my inner child cries a bit.
• i am engaged. the only woman i have ever loved is my ex. we have been talking in secret for years. she loves me too but is too scared to act. so am i.
• i told my parents i am a lesbian in order for them not to suspect i have sex with my boyfriend.
• i pretend to be nice to her because i know that’s what she’s doing, but i secretly wouldn’t mind if a rabid dog attacked her.
• i love x more than anything and i love being with him, but i let y eat me out when i was mad at x. he deserved it.
• all my friends think i lost my virginity when i was 14 and in love. i actually lost it when i was 16, in a back seat, because i wanted to impress the guy i like.
• i dropped outta college and am too scared to tell my grandma.
• i’m madly in love with my boyfriend but want so badly to have a baby with my ex.
• i can see ghosts. i see them everywhere. i know they’re real but the more that people tell me i’m crazy makes me start to think that i am.
• [from the 10/20/08 textsecret: my ex-husband is transgender. i wish he would kill himself like he threatens] i too am transgender and i’m so glad i didn’t kill myself like i threatened so many years ago when i was 14. i’m so proud of the man i have become.
• i’m afraid i only love the girl who broke my heart because i’m stubborn and because she helped me figure out my sexuality. but now i’m as confused as ever and she’s dating a guy. i’m not sure why i still want her.
• the only reason i haven’t off’d myself yet is because i know too many ppl who have… i couldn’t bear to hurt my fiancé like that but i hurt so bad inside.
• i didn’t resist when he raped me at my party because i thought they would feel bad for me… my boyfriend acts like it was no big deal, like tripping on your shoelaces.
• each day i feel like i’m going to puke because i feel empty. nobody knows though. hiding my feelings has become so easy.
• i’m extremely jealous of taylor swift’s hair because my boyfriend loves it. i have straight brown hair. i feel ugly next to taylor swift.
• i miss the feeling of being loved, even though the guy who “loved” me cheated on me five times and didn’t feel guilty at all. i still want him.
• i hate teenagers who say they’re in love. you’re not really!
• i have a boyfriend but i kept my old crush’s jacket because i still want a part of him.
• i don’t know if i want her but i do know i still want her around.
• my therapist tells me there is no way i have borderline personality disorder. but i think it’s because i lie to her.
• i don’t think i’m good enough for anyone.
• a lot of people ask how i get my hair so beautiful and perfect and i tell them it’s a combination of different conditioners and shampoos. it’s really just dandruff shampoo.
• i’m cheating my way through high school.
• i’ve lost all interest in my boyfriend of four years but i don’t want to break up with him because he always buys me expensive gifts.
• i hold in too much so now i cry when little things happen like being late and talking about how i feel and the more i try to open up the harder it is for me.
• being friends with you has made me realize that i really don’t want to be alone.
• sometimes i wonder what it would’ve been like if she had given me a chance. i’m with him now so i’ll never know. she doesn’t talk to me anymore.
• i think i am in love with my ex-boyfriend of one year and it kills me more and more every time i see him which is every day. i am also dating another guy.
• everyday since finding out i was pregnant i have apologized to my daughter for choosing him as her father. i should’ve kept my legs shut.
• i’ve been planning my death since i was seven… sooner or later i will do it.
• i am planning on leaving my bf whom i have a child with for my best guy friend who is in japan right now… my marine loves me and i love him.
• you are my hero.
• i honestly believe i will never be truly happy. i go to the largest college in the country but i am still so. damn. lonely.
• i have a crush on my husband’s best friend.
• i use the rapes and molestation as an excuse to be a total basket case. i really just don’t want to be normal or regular. i’d rather be fucked in the head with a story to tell than to be another mindless drone rattling off the latest celeb bullshit and what everyone expects from them.
• i’m just not really ready to be friends. it hurts.
• my girlfriend pushes people away when she really cares about them. so when she says hurtful things to me, i just imagine she’s saying, “i love you” instead.
• i force myself to believe next semester will be better… it sucks having 2 or 3 friends when your roommate has what seems to be like a million.
• i quit my job an hour ago. it already feels great.
• i have a boyfriend but i’m crushing on her.
• right now i’m copying from someone’s dissertation to my own paper at another school. it’s a theology paper and i’m terrified i’ll get caught.
• you are my best friend but when you kissed him right in front of me i hated both of you so much and i realized i liked him. a lot. you’re a slut. i’m sorry.
• when i see pigeons on the street i want to cry because no one loves them and i think they must be as lonely as i am.
• i over think and it’s killing me. i feel so bad for everyone that knows me. i even fear that you don’t like me. i need good news. i’m not crazy, just lonely. i love myself i just need a friend. i’m so sorry for all this.
• i am afraid of the truth. sometimes the idea of everyone knowing i’m crazy outweighs being well again.
• my life is not even close to what i thought it would be at 28. sometimes i feel like i’ll never be good enough.
• when i was 16 i took a bottle of aspirin and drank half a vodka bottle. hoping to die in my sleep, i woke up with a slight headache. i still want to die.
• i read a novel a day. i will also sometimes read the same novel everyday for a week, and occasionally more. i have a really good ability to put myself in the character’s shoes. i’ve realized it’s easier to hurt and cry over someone else’s pain than to admit and recognize my own.
• i’m afraid nobody will ever love me as much as he did. i guess love can’t travel 203 miles.
• i secretly wish i was anorexic.
• i think obama is going to get assassinated.
• the first time i looked at porn i was eight. i stopped three months after. the first time i masturbated i was also eight. i’m sixteen and i just stopped three months ago. i have always felt that because of this i have cheated my future husband out of something.
• you gave me my first kiss nine months ago at formal in the back seat of you car. it was sleazy. now, the only pure thing i can give my husband is the simple phrase, “i am in love with you”. i wish it was the kiss.
• i pledged to be a virgin till marriage and i really want to wait but everyone says i can’t do it and i’m starting to lose faith myself. i feel like i’m failing myself.
• i didn’t fuck with that bitch’s car but i’m glad someone did.
• i was molested when i was five. jeffery was my cousin and at my uncle’s funeral, months ago, i collapsed crying because i saw his mom. i hate him. i hate what he did to me, even though he went to jail for what he did. he’s been out for years now and that scares me more than i thought it would 13 years after the fact.
• i hate him because i can’t hate you but i’m afraid i do anyway since can’t forgive you.
• i can’t stop eating and it’s killing me that because of this i’ll never be good enough.
• all i‘ve wanted to do after our one night stand is kiss your one solitary dimple until you fall in love with me. i just know we could be wonderful.
• i love my best friend but he treats me like “one of the boys”. everyone thinks he likes me as well but i know he’d never admit it and neither will i. i was in love with someone who ended up being a joke. i constantly think about our fake relationship and i still miss him. real or not he had my heart.
• i chose someone else over him. now, i can’t help but be upset that he has moved on. i still love him but i was never good enough.
• i used cutting, drugs, drinking, and popping pills to get my ‘rents to realize i’m not happy… i have a “perfect” life and can’t tell them i hate when i see the disappointment in their eyes.
• she doesn’t see that i’m only studying to be a pilot cause i thought it would be a quick and good career for us to be able to start our life together quicker and that i want her to have everything she ever wished for and that i’m here at a place i truly hate only so i can be with her.
• even though he’s moved on i can’t bring myself to let go.
• my exgf left me after 3andahalf years. it’s been 3 years and i still love her more than life but i can’t tell any1 because they think i’m over her.
• i told him i was sorry his relationship didn’t work out. i didn’t tell him i am happy he finally got what he deserved.
• if you told me to, i would give away my house, pets, friends and family down here to move up there with you. i know you’re tired of going to bed lonely.
• i am one hundred percent in love with my best friend but can’t tell him.
• i still think about him, i still want him…he is married… while our mutual lust is spoken, we can’t take it any further… we both feel guilty.
• i’m more in love with the guy playing hockey 3000 miles away than the one i have been with for three years.
• i fucked my best friend’s boyfriend! i secretly loved every second of it.
• i love x more than anything i’ve ever known. i’m scared to death of this ending.
• the only thing scary about the molestation was how little it affected me.
• your biggest fear is that i’ll call your mother and tell her that you can’t be a mother. – love, your daughter.
• i feel extremely guilty that i sometimes wish i had cancer just to see who would support me.
• i would take back sleeping with both of them if i could because i know it ruined any chance of me being happy.
• i think that the sites other than postsecret only post secrets from the people that run them.
• i’m about to go back to my hometown to sleep with my best friend who told me he’s loved me for years. my boyfriend of a year is staying home and has no idea
• i’m worried i lost the love of my life when he died three years ago.
• i honestly don’t think anyone would like enough about me to fall in love with me after he hurt me. i’m so thankful you saw something in me to fall in love with me and make me the happiest person alive.
• when i’m with you i think about her…(dead!).
• my best friend moved to tx. my two best guy friends joined the marines. my bf is my only friend left. i can’t stand talking to him but i’ll be totally alone w/o him.
• i’m pro-choice because i wish my mother had aborted me.
• the past month’s events were not my fault but the guilt is weighing me down. my positive disposition is fading. i hope he is ok.
• i was just 3 feet away asleep on the other couch when my little brother was molested. he asked me to leave the light on and i didn’t and she molested him.
• he still has the key to my heart. i still have the key to his house. it doesn’t seem like an even trade to me but i know neither of us is willing to let go of what we have.
• i know you meant it when you said ‘i love you’ but to tell you the truth i didn’t.
• last night i hung out with my best friend and realized how much she means to me. today i spent all day looking at how beautiful she really is. i’m so glad i have her.
• i pretend to not like myself so that people won’t think that i am stuck up.
• i wasn’t really ready to leave the hospital last time.
• she’s kinda mine now but he and i are still together in some screwed up way. i don’t know who i want more and it’s killing me.

textsecret

sorry, i'm not much feeling like commenting today or leaving you with a story. i had actually written something out about halloween and masks and whatnot but it looks as though my computer has destroyed it for some reason. well, here are this week's secrets. thank you all for sharing!

• i’m jealous of all of my friends who are in love. i’m wondering when it will be my turn. i secretly think i make myself unlovable to guys i don’t want to love.
• this is the third time i‘ve fallen in love with a teacher.
• my bro-in-law just recently got fired. i’m secretly happy that he did because he can be such a jerk sometimes.
• i have to go get a sonogram on wednesday and i’m scared for the worst (it’s not for pregnancy it’s for stomach pains)
• i’m 16 and pregnant and everyday i feel more and more guilty about being excited for her arrival.
• i text you so that you know someone always cares
• he raped me and abused me for years before i left him. he’s the only man i’ve ever loved. i’m 28 now and i’m engaged to someone else but i still see his face everyday.
• xxxx is no longer the only person i’ve kissed in over three years.
• i don’t ever feel like crying. i’m just numb.
• i think i make myself sad sometimes because i’m worried that i have forgotten what it feels like and feeling sad is better than feeling nothing at all.
• i don’t tell people my real secrets. it can’t help because no one really knows me. they couldn’t and probably wouldn’t ever want to
• last summer i met a guy online who is 20 years older than me. we had sex. i still don’t know his name.
• my glass is half full and i’m still not satisfied.
• i loved her with everything i had and when she got with him it killed me inside. now she realizes she’s still in love with me so i tell her i love her too even though i don’t. it makes me feel vindicated to be so cold and callous to her.
• everyday i wish it was me that got killed instead of my brother… i think he would have made something more of himself than i did.
• sometimes i just want to run away.
• i don’t love my mother.
• every time i read a secret about husbands and wives cheating on each other it scares me and makes me never want to get married.
• i’ve changed. i miss who i used to be and don’t like the way i’ve become.
• i am in love with my best guy friend whom i have never met in person. problem is he’s in a well known and some days i think he forgets about me.
• he chose his dying relationship with her rather than our blossoming friendship. when i see him now i just want to cry.
• i should never drink. everyone in my family is addicted to something. i just can’t say no. i’m worried.
• i enjoy being the other girl. it excites me more than you could ever imagine. the last three guys i’ve been with have been in relationships and 1 has kids.
• i will never be good enough but i am too afraid to leave.
• i constantly think about what things would be like if you did kiss me that night at the rave. i haven’t stopped hoping for another opportunity like that since then.
• i never thought it would hurt so bad to not be able to say i love you because nether of us will be first to say it. i wish i had the guts to change it.
• it’s all crashing down again and i don’t think i’m going to be able to pick up the pieces this time.
• sometimes i thank him for teaching me a lesson the hard way. he taught me self respect and got me to drop the blade. thanks for telling me i’m good for nothing.
• i’m so scared since after we spent the night together that he’s just going to break up with me and i really love him.
• i’m afraid of being alone but i can’t stand being vulnerable to anybody. i’m my own worst enemy and i don’t know how to fix it. i’m the person everybody thinks has it all together and they go to for advice. they have no idea that inside of me i’m totally shattered.
• i found the secret to happiness: finding the 1 man in the world u could spend everyday with and never get tired of him and clinging to him like u only have today.
• i don’t think i will ever tell him what happened that day.
• my exbf michael david is a self-obsessed asshole. his youtube account is worthlessperson13 and it’s as worthless a vlog as his name suggests.
• when she lost interest in me i lost interest in living.
• i’m scared that after twenty years my family still doesn’t know who i am and who i want to be.
• i’m afraid no man will ever love me.
• i masturbate at work - like an orgasm to pick up a bad day.
• i accept that i will never be truly happy again and it doesn’t bother me.
• my brother and i have been having sex for three months now - it's amazing!

this past weekend, frank posted a secret from a person who had participated in the textsecret experiment. she (i presume 98% of participants are female) received a text from a pedophile and it brought up all sorts of emotions as she is a survivor of abuse.

frank asked if this was a common occurrence and for folks to share their experiences in the comments. many people voiced concern, disappointment, and even outrage that frank had allowed minors to post their phone numbers and suggested that this was a bad idea from the beginning. one particularly inarticulate, yet persistent and annoying, commenter demanded frank delete the blog and not allow anyone else to post phone numbers again. there were also many that confirmed the positive experience had by the majority of those who had participated.

i did receive a text from a person i would consider a pedophile. i dealt with the text and the textor in a way i found satisfactory and i moved on.

there is only so much that can be done in this situation. i know that frank i not to blame. i always believe that parents should be more aware of what their kids are doing. i don't think that there were predators lurking on myspace or on the postsecret blog waiting to victimize unsuspecting kids simply wanting to share secrets.

i think this is a good thing. i think this is another outlet for the postsecret community. i think this is a good thing for me personally though i haven't quite figured out the therapeutic benefits of accepting and publishing the secrets of others.

i hope that you all continue on. i hope that you tell others. i hope that frank soldiers on, but i'm sure he will. postsecret has an inherent trust in humanity and that has been extended into the textsecret experiment. bad apples will appear along the road. but if only one bad apple appears every hundred miles or so, that seems like a pretty darn clean road.

thank you all for sharing again. i hope you are well. please don't forget that there is always help.

an interesting blog about one person’s textsecret experience

this week's secrets:

• i just bought my first house and when everyone tells me how proud they are i did it alone i cringe… we were looking at houses 2 weeks before he found out the girl he was cheating on me with was pregnant with his child.
• i don’t think that i’ll ever be ok without taking drugs. i don’t really do them for fun, i do them so i no longer want to die. even if the pains only going away for a short time. every problem i have was created by me. if this is life i want to be done.
• i flirt with my ex-boyfriend because he’s still in love with me. it boosts my self-esteem when he tells me that it’s impossible for me to look like crap.
• i secretly wish my father would start drinking again so my mom would leave him like she said she would if he did it again.
• the night i came home after i tried to kill myself he went for a beer with his friends instead of coming to see me. i still love him.
• i resent him for dying before i could get over him & move on because now i feel like an 18yr old widow.
• i’ve been vegetarian for years. after a stressful day at work i went to a mcdonalds and got a cheeseburger. it made me sick but it was delicious. now i’m not sure who i am.
• i want to die. and as i sit here on my porch chain smoking, freezing… i see all the beauty around me and feel so worthless. i feel like there is no hope.
• i tell my mom i love her every time i go out. it’s not because i want her to know i love her, it’s because if i die while i’m out my lat words to her were those. i say it no matter what. i love you.
• what i’ll miss most about my uncle is sitting in the bathroom watching him have. i had hoped i’d get to see that one more time, but now all i have is memories.
• there’s a guy that 2 of my friends n i all really like but 1 of them thinks he’s gonna ask her out. he just asked me n the other friend to his party… not her.
• i’m scared to go to the doctor for my muscular dystrophy because then he will know i never finished my chemotherapy.
• i’m 18, in college and i’ve never been kissed, had a boyfriend, or gone out on a date… i think it’s because i’m too afraid to change the way things are…
• sometimes i wish i could just go to sleep forever. too scared to do it myself because i don’t want my son to hate me. but when i read about someone killed in a car accident i wish it were me. i hope it will get better.
• shit. i can’t see myself growing up or getting older at all. i don’t see myself living. that’s when i start to wonder.
• i’ve got my suicide planned out perfectly. i’m going down to the woods, put the plastic wrap around my head n lay down in the leaves n wait for happiness.
• i’m in love with a married man and can’t seem to stay away from him even though i know he’s using me.
• i wish I had the courage to divorce my husband. then i might have the courage to tell the guy i’m sleeping with that i don’t want him anymore.
• i’m in love with my best friend. he has no idea when i say ‘i love you’ i truly mean it i’ll never tell him the truth.
• everything my mother says or does makes me angry… she tries so hard to be close to me… i want to try and be friends with her but i just can’t.
• i wish i was given the chance to be in a relationship but apparently looks are more important than how much you care about someone.
• i can’t help but sabotage myself. something about it just makes it feel like it’s worth trying harder to succeed.
• i like men to hurt me when we have sex because then i can hate them instead of love them. If they won’t i hate them anyhow because they won’t give me what i want
• it breaks my heart to hear my dad gush about how proud he is that i am FINALLY losing weight. i wish he could be just as happy about my other accomplishments.
• i feel like i’m dying. i miss him more than i’ve ever missed anyone.
• i don’t care what they say, i love you!
• i really wish i had someone to hug whenever i wanted. i’m so tired of being called worthless by the people I love, have loved and now people who don’t know me. it starts to take a toll on one’s heart even if you know it can’t be true
• i’m being left behind again. even though it has to be done it still breaks my heart. i will love them all forever. while they’ll be celebrating, i will be crying.
• i’m leaving him. i sent him the papers in iraq. It isn’t that i don’t love him i just am not attracted to him at all and i’m tired of faking orgasms and sympathy.