16.3.09

last week i asked you to answer the question, "what is your armor?". here are your responses:
  • my 18 month old keeps me strong and reminds me to always pull forward no matter what. he keeps me going. he is my armor.
  • my armor is my brick wall. i sometimes feel like pink floyd. i’m so scared i will close myself off with no way to escape.
  • being a slut. nobody can have a real emotional attachment to me if all they see is a slut. nobody can get in; no one can hurt me (nobody but me).
  • nonchalance is my armor. if i say something casually as though it doesn’t matter to me it won’t. right? anyone too perceptive of this terrifies me.
  • being stoned in school helps me to ignore how bitchy my friends are. i just smile and imagine hitting them.
  • misdirection and avoidance. i just keep changing the subject until they all get tired of waiting or forget what we were talking about.
  • my parent’s love for me is my armor. i know that they are forever accepting me. i love them so much.
  • my armor is the fake smile i’ve spent the last six years perfecting so people can’t tell when something is wrong.
  • i am 60lbs overweight. this way people don’t really see me and i can continue to be alone, which is all i want since the divorce.
  • my armor is the happy facade i hide behind most days. but more than that, my armor is my hetero life mate.
  • i’m my own armor. self obsessed? not at all. i only wake up every morning and tell myself i’m good enough and strong enough because no one else will do it for me.
  • my armor is knowing that i am finally with a guy who loves me. all of me and nothing more than me. she said i always look happy. this is the reason.
  • my smile and personality. i use it to not only keep people from asking questions but to help myself ignore what’s really going on inside my head.
  • my words and my boyfriend. they both protect me from the world but let me shine and have the world shine back.
  • my armor is my apathy towards everything.
  • my armor is a mask. every person in the world sees a different me.
and here are this week's secrets. as always, thank you for sharing.
  • why can’t he be real with me like he is with everyone else? it’s like he doesn’t want to have anything to do with me. i don’t know why i bother.
  • i don’t know my best friends anymore and that scares the hell out of me.
  • we made a pinky pact to be best friends forever. now we’re drifting apart and it kills me. i hope he reads this and realizes that i’m still alive because if not who else will laugh at the word ‘chowder’ with me?
  • i’m texting you instead of him. i miss him. i love him. he thinks he loves her just so he won’t let himself love me.
  • my dad deploys to iraq soon. i’m kind of excited because i know i can take advantage of my mom the whole year.
  • i would love to see my ex and have sex with him. even if he is an asshole he is so fucking attractive!
  • out of the friends i’ve lost, i miss my online friends more than my real friends because they were my escape from the harsh world. they were there.
  • i have gained a few pounds the last few months. i take it as a personal insult and sign of disgust at my current body that my boyfriend doesn’t like to having sex.
  • i forced myself to puke again for the first time in a year. i’ve also been watching how many calories are in the food i eat and limiting how many. today i ate 610.
  • i just don’t know anymore.
  • today i almost killed myself by downing a bottle of pills. what stopped me was one of my friends texting me saying, “you mean the world to me. if anything happened to you, i don’t know what i’d do with myself. i hope you have a better day.” she saved my life and for that i am so grateful.
  • i hope upon hope that this change of scenery is something that can be finally right for me.
  • she has no friends and i wish she would realize it.
  • i’m tired of trying to win your love. i’m tired of doing so much for you and giving so much up for you only to be let down again and again. i’m through.
  • marriage is a scary thing to talk about but when i talk about it with her it feels natural and right (i’m a girl).
  • i’m falling for someone i met online. i’m scared to meet her because i don't want to find out she isn't as amazing as i thought.
  • i'm ready to leave him. but if he would just kiss me, the way he used to, i think i might reconsider.
  • i’ll be 20 this year. i’ve never had a boyfriend nor have i been kissed. you’ll be 26 this year and you have a long distance girlfriend. i would give anything to for you to kiss me and it makes me feel like such a horrible person. i just wish you would stop confiding in me about you girlfriend now that you’ve told me she existed. i know you’re lying about your age and various other things but i’m so depressed about the other situation that i don’t even care and it is so pathetic.
  • the silence is so loud when you are alone.
  • a new school and 200 miles separates us but nothing armors my dreams from your face.
  • …is what is keeping me from fully enjoying what you feel for me. i wish i could relate to love songs without calling myself stupid after each thought.
  • i will never be loved. i cry myself to sleep. i just want someone to care about me again and love me. i know i’m needy but i miss it terribly and i want to be loved.
  • so i fall in like with this guy and all he ends up doing is choosing her over me.
  • our friends are right; we would be so cute, we’re perfect for each other. you think it’s a coincidence you stumbled back into my life?
  • i had a dream about us finally being together. it seemed so real i didn’t want to wake up.
  • i’m so scared that my mind dysphasia has turned into cervical cancer but i can’t even tell my boyfriend how i feel. i’m 17; i shouldn’t be scared of having cancer.
  • now that we’re not together it hurts to watch "jon & kate + 8" because when i do i remember you saying, “that’s what our kids will look like someday”.
  • he doesn’t feel like my dad anymore.
  • my little sister has started wearing wristbands now like me. i hope she’s not cutting like me.
  • i met a new guy! oh, and you’re boring and no fun. i feel so free without you!
  • i feel sick and tired of him and i am fed up with his crap. i feel like he only talks to me and hangs out with me to get in my pants. why can’t i get over him?
  • i can’t wait to get out of this town but i am terrified of college.
  • i am truly against abortions and i give the people i know who have had one shit for it. but if i got pregnant right now i would probably get one and that breaks my heart.
  • i’m sick of everyone comparing me to my best friend. i’m sick of the fact that no matter what i do everyone loves her and i get nothing. anyone i talk to, it’s always about her.
  • sleeping with my head on your shoulder is about as close as i get to feeling whole. thank you.
  • today i got accepted into my first choice college. i’ll be moving and i’ll finally have a fresh start. i can finally leave you and what you did to me behind. it’s a liberating feeling.

11 comments:

Anonymous said...

"i’m sick of everyone comparing me to my best friend. i’m sick of the fact that no matter what i do everyone loves her and i get nothing. anyone i talk to, it’s always about her."

did you notice your secret is all about her and not you? stop comparing yourself to your best friend and stop caring about what others think.

Anonymous said...

"i am truly against abortions and i give the people i know who have had one shit for it. but if i got pregnant right now i would probably get one and that breaks my heart."

it shouldn't break your heart that you would get an abortion. it should break your heart that you are a hypocrite! wwjd? show compassion and never judge.

Anonymous said...

Okay, to the last person who commented this,

shut the hell up.

Anonymous said...

my armor is my cynicism and low expectations. if i make myself believe that nothing good can ever happen, it doesn't hurt when nothing does.

Anonymous said...

"Okay, to the last person who commented this,

shut the hell up."

nice come back. truth hurt much?

Anonymous said...

The abortion textsecret:

What a hypocrite. You don't give people shit when you think about doing the same thing that they've done.

Anonymous said...

"i’m sick of everyone comparing me to my best friend. i’m sick of the fact that no matter what i do everyone loves her and i get nothing. anyone i talk to, it’s always about her."

i agree with the first comment on this. the important thing is, do YOU like who you are? make a list of things you like about you. make a list of compliments you remember getting. combat that negative voice!

brittney said...

i have three secrets on here, and one made the armor response when i didn't even realize there was a question to answer. it makes sense. and another secret on here could very possibly be mine but i honestly do not remember sending it...so whoever the person is, we have so much in common. i sat here wondering if i sent it or if it's someone else's.

Anonymous said...

i’m so scared that my mind dysphasia has turned into cervical cancer but i can’t even tell my boyfriend how i feel. i’m 17; i shouldn’t be scared of having cancer.

i cant spell at all. i ment mild dysplasia.its scary i go to the dr to be checked again tomorow :(

Anonymous said...

im falling in love and never been so glad to do so! i hpe its genuine, if so im the luckest girl in the world.

i hope to be here for him and everything hes going through,im privelidged to do so!


i leave a comment 90% of the weeks and this is the first truly happy one ive left.
i never want that to change!


too good to be true? hope not :)

Anonymous said...

i've fallen for him. so fast!