textsecret

i recently read a novel by melina marchetta called, "on the jellicoe road". it was gripping and moving and i wanted to share this with you all in the hopes you will pick up the book and read it yourselves. the story references a bible verse that made me think of this site and ps immediately.

matthew 10:26 - "...therefore do not fear them, for there is nothing concealed that will not be revealed, or hidden that will not be known."

i felt comforted when i thought of this verse in relation to secrets. maybe it's just me....

here are the secrets for the past three weeks. thank you all for sharing.

• it’s disappointing to watch my best friend make the same mistakes repeatedly. maybe 500 miles farther will be good.
• i know what cutters mean by feeling a release when they cut. i’m the same way except with scalding water. that way, no one knows i harm myself but me.
• i feel so self-conscious about my stretch marks. it keeps me from wearing bikinis and tank tops during the summer. i’d give anything to not have scars.
• i wish you’d stop asking me about it. if i wanted to talk about what was bothering me i would talk. right now i just want to suffer silently. i may talk later… / it’s at times like these that i really wish i never existed. / i never feel more alone than when i’m in a room full of people.
• i haven’t ever had a real best friend. every girl needs a girl best friend. my sister has had her best friend since kindergarten. now she’s a freshman and i’m a senior and i’m still looking. it sucks.
• my older brother’s best friend slept over last night and i gave him my virginity. the whole time i was thinking of my brother.
• i told him i loved him and that i wanted nothing more but to be in a relationship with him. i thought he felt the same way. He didn’t.
• i hate my best friend and she doesn’t even care.
• every time i want to tell him exactly how i feel i type it out on my phone and send it to you instead. it’s oddly liberating. / i love you. i wish you would wake up and realize you belong to me. all she’s causing you is heartache. i would make you so incredibly happy.
• i told myself i wouldn’t lie through recovery. but i’m too afraid to tell my therapist the truth because we’re such good friends.
• you used to smile at me. we used to have so much fun goofing around. what happened?
• even though i know it’s not real and nothing will happen, i’m petrified to say “bloody mary” three times in front of a mirror. / no matter what anyone says, until i think i’m skinny i’m not.
• i check your blog everyday with a little spark of hope that you could’ve posted that day.
• i know i will never feel good enough for anyone, not even myself. i wish i cold have the confidence you do.
• i am so in love with him.
• i’m beginning to think i don’t really want to talk to him anyways and that bothers me. i love him but i also need him. why hasn’t he replied for 8 hours?
• i’m terrified of having children. my mom always knows what to do, when to do it, and how to do it perfectly. i’m scared i will never know like she does.
• i love gloryholes! there’s nothing better than a strange man’s cum all over my face.
• i can’t be around my uncle without being on the verge of tears the whole time. he reminds me too much of my dad.
• babe, i cut you off like a cancer. don’t put this blame on me, you did this to yourself.
• i’m trapped by the one man who swore to love me and not hurt me. all my friends warned me, now they’re gone and no one will save me.
• you hurt me yet i’d still be with you, giving you another chance to hurt me again.
• for every bad turning point in my life, a good one follows. i’m finally done with your bullshit and i have other friends who will think kindly of me. so screw off! / she died yesterday. i found out today. all i can think about is how death comes in threes and how i always find this stuff out a day later. / i’m betting 20 bucks that she already made out with a few of the guys she’s just met. wait until her boyfriend finds out.
• i really did want to die that day. the only thing that keeps me from doing it is knowing i have a child that only has me to count on. i’m glad i got pregnant so young. she saved me.
• i’m kind of a spoiled brat.
• i honestly don’t know what i’m gonna do when he comes and visits. / i think i might have actually met a decent guy in portland. / i’m sick and tired of feeling so flawed. i can’t stand how our society makes people think they need to look a certain way.
• i know if i was skinnier i’d be sluttier.
• i love you. call me crazy but sometimes it seems like you feel the same way. i just want you to.
• it’s been over a year. i’ve moved on and she has too. so why do i still get jealous when i see her with her girlfriend? / sometimes i wish i didn’t exist.
• it’s been five months and i still love him like we’ve never been apart.
• i cannot wait for you to go to louisiana. you think people care that you’re leaving but they don’t. i will not miss you.
• i’ve pushed everyone away because of my eating disorder except for him. now i feel like he is getting tired of me and my crap.
• i’m planning on testing out of high school and i haven’t told any of my friends.
• my best friend is leaving for college, another is moving to north carolina to start new, and i’m still stuck here in the same old position feeling lonelier than ever. / i have a sex-crazed boyfriend that i don’t even like anymore. my close friend doesn’t even know me, and my mom hates me for bullshit reasons. i want to fly somewhere, not tell anyone where i am and become an anti-social wreck. that way i’m no longer dependent on undependable people.
• i love when we go to big family gatherings because my cousins and i have been having sex since we were twelve.
• i’m falling for her. she likes me. i have a boyfriend but i’m falling for her. hard. that’s not even half of it. how can i handle this?
• i wish things were easier. i know you feel the same way about me. at least i have myself convinced that you do. i still want my chance but i know i won’t get it. speak your mind please.
• i need turbulence in my life to be happy.
• i hope that x makes you regret it.
• you are all i ever wanted. i’m so in love with you but when i feel the most i can’t help but also feel like you could be faking it. please don’t fail me baby.

text secret

i'm still here. i'm healthy. i'm moved by all of the comments asking after me. one clever person noticed i had logged on to my myspace page! frankly, i didn't think my absence would go noticed and that this site would soon be forgotten. i've gotten a couple of texts asking about me. i thank you for your concern. my internet access is limited to the library right now. for some reason, this site is blocked, or won't load, or something and i haven't even been able to log on to blogger to do the updates. so that is why i haven't updated for a while. updates may come irregularly until i can secure another way to access what i need to to do this. i've continued receiving secrets though so here is what i've gotten over the weeks. thank you for sharing.

• please, just put the bottle down. what would i do without you?
• i’ve never felt so helpless in my life. breaking off this friendship feels as if i just got divorced. i miss you more than ever, love you no less, and wish this never happened.
• i wish my mom could take a walk in my shoes for a day so then she could see how hard i really have it. / i think losing weight and getting a boyfriend will solve all of my problems.
• my friends complain about their moms every day. they don’t know my mom is dying. when she’s gone my world is going to fall apart.
• you dress slutty to get his attention. you also get the attention of so many other guys. i hate walking around in public with you while you’re dressed like that.
• every time we fight she says, “i don’t care”. as soon as those words leave her mouth i wonder if she would care if i killed myself.
• i don’t know how to tell him i think i’m in love with him.
• i got so wasted i was lying down in bed and thought you were there. i cried, told you how much i loved you and needed you. i woke up and realized nobody was there.
• i’m beginning to trust myself.
• all my friends are dead. / i’m in love with him and he knows it and i’m finally free.
• i’m so tired of being single and her acting like a whore and having a lineup of potential boyfriends.
• my boyfriend is an overly jealous person and i feel suffocated. but sometimes i feel like i do give him reasons to be jealous.
• my boyfriend and i broke up then i found out he is gay. now one of my friends is trying to hook-up with him and she doesn’t know. i think it’s funny. / i recently found that i really like my best friend but we’re too close to ruin it. he’s all i have. i just wish i new how he felt about me.
• my happiness is merely an illusion. when i’m laughing with you i’m really thinking about how lonely i am and how i wanna go home and cut again.
• i have a set of rules i follow to keep myself at a happy and functional level. i don’t know how/why but no matter how hard i try i always break those rules.
• x was the reason i said i’d never drink, do drugs, or cut again. now that he turned his back i’m worried i’m going to break all three of those promises just like he did.
• i hate that you wanted me to kill our baby with an abortion. i hate that i keep hearing rumors that you and your ex are going to take this baby from me.
• i get depressed while watching kid/teen movies because i know my life will never be that fun or perfect.
• i’m in love with a wonderful guy but i often think of cheating on him with my ex because we had better sex.
• he wants another chance and i’m almost fool enough to give it to him. / i gave myself an eating disorder because i wanted to lose a few more pounds. here i am, 3 years later and 50 pounds lighter, and i hate myself more than when i started.
• i wish i had talent.i know the australian accent is fake but goddamned it is hot.
• sometimes i think everyone would be better off if i were dead.
• i really miss talking to them everyday.
• you are so rude, so very rude. i’m excited for the weekend because i won’t have to see you.
• the most depressing thought in the world is thinking that i will never be truly in love because i know the pain of rejection too well. i hope i’m wrong. am i?
• the feeling of not having any friends sucks and i know i have friends.
• i love him. but every time he hits me it gets a little harder.
• i wish things had been reversed the way we often talk about. you and i would be so much happier together. i wish that i had made a move or that you had.
• i really feel like i’m secretly bi but i can’t tell anyone.
• my boyfriend broke up with me because he was scared to marry me. he will never know how bad it hurt me. we’re back together again no thanks to the dirty whore who convinced him to do it in the first place. she is such a slut but i love him even though he kissed her.
• it’s not the fact that i will eventually die that scares me. it’s the fact that life will go on for everyone else.
• my future husband doesn’t want to adopt kids. i may not be able to have children. i don’t know which i’d choose; him or kids.
• you’ve reassured me a million times. i still think you’re lying.
• i think he’s my super hero. / i’ve finally fallen out of love with you.
• you tell me it’s inevitable and sometimes i just wish it would happen already so you’d be out of my life and i could quit trying to help you.
• i don’t care if there are tons of homeless animals. i save my compassion for people.
• i think losing weight and finding a boyfriend will solve all my problems.
• i’m glad my husband is in prison. i called his parole officer. i’m sorry it had to come to this. i still love him, i’m just glad he’s gone.
• i’m in love with my best friend and i feel so unlucky.
• one of my friends knows me better than everyone else yet claims to not get me. i wish she would realize this and stop being so ignorant.
• this guy i like said he can’t talk to me anymore because he can’t stand being in love. that was yesterday and i can’t stop crying and won’t get out of bed.
• it’s been almost three weeks since i stopped talking to you and it’s killing me but i can’t stand the way you have been acting. i hope you can take the hint and change.
• i know you would all be better off without me. i'm too much of a coward to ever do it.