some notes regarding this blog:

1. for those who don't realize it, the number for textsecret is above on the banner.
2. if anyone wants to put a banner on their profile message me on myspace and i will send you the code. the link does not work so it will just be a banner.
3. in order for this community to grow i will rely on those of you who visit to pass the word and encourage others. if each of you can tell ten people about this site, and those ten people tell ten people... well, you know how the rest goes.

here are this week's secrets. as always, thank you all for sharing.

• i hate it. i am married to a man i don't love, and wishing i could be with the one that i do.
• a few months ago i sent a guy i used to like topless photos of me. now, he is using them to blackmail me into sending him more. i don’t want to do it but i have no way out
• you left your old account signed in on myspace. i just spent the last hour reading old messages from your ex. i wish i would’ve gotten to see the side of you that you showed her before she destroyed you. now you’re scared to get close to anyone. i deserve the side of you that she threw away. / i’m going to fail my next anatomy test because i can’t find the motivation to really study. i’ve already accepted the fact that i’m probably going to have to take this class again. i’ve never felt so unintelligent and lost in my academic life. / i don’t understand why so many of our guy friends go crazy over you. i think you’re funny looking. i get a sick satisfaction from hearing about how one of the guys at the party that asked for my number (but didn’t get it) thought that it was gross that he kissed you. you always used to win. now it’s my turn. / i’m so sick of being disappointed by you. i deserve so much better than this. let me go
• because i can’t do this anymore. / sometimes you make me want to drive full-speed into a cement wall. you don’t deserve to make me feel that way. fuck you. / instead of cutting myself i bruise myself. no scars but plenty of pain.
• today is my first appointment and i know it’s my start to a better future for me and i want to shout it out to the world. / i thought that taking this first step would be good. instead it has made me go back two steps and realize people really need to be quiet. / i’m trying to love myself for who i am but i still feel like a worthless piece of crap.
• i just had major surgery. no one knows the real reason why. they all say they are glad i’m ok but in my head i’m saying, “i’m not”.
• i just found out your name today. at least now i can stop calling you “taco bell guy”. thank you for noticing me when i feel invisible. i wish i could tell you that every time you compliment me you make my day. i want to tell you that you have the most amazing eyes and i love your philly accent. i want you. not only physically. i want to know all about you. i just wish i wasn’t too shy to tell you all of this.
• i have over 200 contacts in my phone and i can’t call one of them my friend.
• i read people’s facebook quotes and laugh even though i was never there.
• all i want to do is leave but i have nowhere to go.
• i love texting because the only way my friends know if something is wrong is if i tell them.
• they come to me to talk them out of killing themselves. truthfully, i want to tell them it’s not worth it and that i want to die more than they do but i don’t to save them.
• i hate being such a jealous person. i hate every girl that he talks to. i pretend like i’m fine with it so he won’t be mad but really it’s eating me up inside.
• i faked an orgasm because after five minutes i was afraid i was taking too long and he would get mad.
• even though we’re not friends anymore i just thought you should know that i was right about her. she’s going to dump you for another guy after the banquet. / i have fallen in love with a fictional character. / i keep listening to a song that reminds me of us just so i can keep you with me a little bit longer. / i’ve loved you since the first day we met. you deserve better. you deserve me.
• i wish my niece’s mom would let me keep her or that her mom’s new husband would leave them so i could have a solid relationship with them again.
• i’m 13 almost 14 and i’ve been addicted to cutting myself since i turned eleven.
• my mom is leaving us again. i hate that when the going gets rough the only thing she resolves to do is leaving our family.
• i don’t like her. not because she’s a bitch but because she gets to kiss you. i just want to kiss you one more time.
• i fake phone calls and dates so my parents won’t think i’m not good enough to get a real date.
• it disgusts me when gay people hate themselves for being gay or hate gay people in general. i can’t stand it and would rather them all disappear.
• i have some shitty-ass friends but i can never step up to get them fully out of my life.
• my life is not perfect, not by a long shot, but it is going exactly the way i want it to. this is good.
• you were right, i went out with her for the wrong reasons and now i regret not being with you. every time i look at you i think you are the girl of my dreams.
• when i was in fifth grade i read ’50 sexy tricks’ in cosmo. i think about the ‘tricks’ when i’m with you.
• i think what a lot of teenagers think is depression is just life. growing up is hard and not every emotion is a mental disease.
• damn it! i let i happen again. i fell back in love with that adorable blonde boy from roseburg.
• i fell in love (the teenage version) with someone i met on postsecret. he’s ten years older and probably doesn’t feel the same.
• today, i officially got over the boy i’ve loved for 2 yeas. what pushed me over the edge was my decision to completely cut ties with him the day after we graduate. i’ve never felt more free in my life.
• when i’m on the road i like to look at other people just to see what they look like even though i know it will be awkward if they look back.
• he said, ‘i try to convince myself that you don’t mean anything to me but i think about you every second of every day’. if that is true then why is he still with her?
• hi think i could really love him. i hope he gives me a chance.
• i’m tired of being second best to my best friend.
• i am lost in life. i have no idea who i am.
• i still have a silent hatred of my boyfriend’s ex. she hated me first!
• i’m not the person everyone thinks i am but i do love you with my whole heart and soul. please love me.
• i’m a lesbian but i love men in suits.
• i think my girlfriend is just using me.
• i can’t keep talking to you on the phone or i might fall in love with you.
• tomorrow i turn 18. i wonder if i’m ready to grow up.
• the taste of beer makes me gag and i think that’s the reason i haven’t gone out drinking in over a month. i’m a popular college student at a party school.
• numbing myself is the only thing that works anymore.
• i’m falling in love with you.
• my breath still catches in my chest every time i see you.
• my boyfriend dumped me saturday but changed his mind and now i wish we were broken up. i’m just staying with him to see what he’s like in bed. / every time i have sex it feels like abuse. i feel like it’s the only thing i’m good at or for.
• i am in serious danger of falling for my roommate’s boyfriend.
• i’ve become more promiscuous in the last year and i’m hating myself.
• as karma would have it, a girl that doesn’t believe in bi-sexuality is sexually interested in her best friend.
• i would gladly relive any of the days we spent together over and over again.

textsecret

• sometimes i feel as if i don't have a purpose here. if i just disappeared one day, no one would miss me.
• i’m still in love with my high school sweetheart. he will never know it even though i still see him every day and call him regularly
• i only have sex with him because i feel guilty for not loving him.
• drugs have been more fulfilling in my life than anything else.
• i’m so afraid that i don’t know what to do. my whole life depends on the outcome of these next several months and i just know i’m going to fuck them up.
• she said he would look good with that tattoo on his neck. she doesn’t know its meaning. she doesn’t know he’s mine. and she damn sure doesn’t know i will beat [end of text]
• it’s gotten to the point where i can’t even look at myself in the mirror without being disgusted.
• i overdosed and was in a coma for three days. i pretend i’m all better now but i wish i hadn’t been found when i was or that i would have succeeded.
• i’m a lot more jealous than i let on most days. i also hate your boyfriend more then i tend to tell you.
• i don’t want to be the girl who feeds his ego. i want to be the girl who stirs his soul.
• i wish for once i wasn’t the best friend who you could always rely on, always trust, but never think about. i hate how i’m cute only when they’re wasted.
• i was unfaithful last weekend for the first time in my life. i don’t feel guilty and i wonder what that makes me.
• i kinda want to tell her i slept with her boyfriend because he ignores me now.
• i love my friends and i hope someday they can forgive me.
• while i’m addicted to both, i’m far more addicted to him than i am to oxycontin. my life would be better if i quit both but i don’t think i can handle losing him and i don’t know if i can quit oxy while i’m still around him.
• when we played the heart game at school today he gave me his paper heart. he could’ve given it to his crush or the girl he’s fucking. instead he gave it to his best friend. i couldn’t have been happier.
• i know i will never fully get over it. i’m afraid it will ruin other relationships.
• when i tell someone that my life sucks and they tell me it’s better than the alternative i want to prove them wrong.
• i feel like all i’ll ever be good for is sex. i don’t deserve to be loved.
• my work here is done and i’m erasing my existence.
• whenever I eat food in the car i think of how humiliating it would be to be found in a wreck with cheddar bacon fries all of my face.
• i’m afraid this relationship is nothing but college freshman love and it will end sooner than expected.
• i love my girlfriend so much. i think i would start cutting again if she ever left me but i keep fucking up. i’m surprised she hasn’t left yet.
• one year ago today i had the worst day of my life and six months ago i had the best day. too bad both of those have turned out badly and the people involved want nothing more to do with me and i have no one left.
• there is a lady sitting across from me on the bus and she hasn’t stopped smiling. i’m jealous.
• my fiancee died two years ago. i moved 2000 miles away. no one here knows. a woman i’m interested in wants to get drinks tonight. this sucks.
• i hope you’re not jealous. after all, i want to make out with you just as much. you are so gorgeous how could anyone not want to?
• i’m so insecure i make germophobes feel better about themselves.
• for the first time in more than three years i didn’t wear makeup today and i felt beautiful. i finally have godly beauty and not worldly.
• i’m afraid i can only be happy when i use people for their bodies.
• i keep telling my friend that i’m going to be fine but quite honestly i don’t think i will be. i’m pretty sure i’m going to die.
• i want to walk away from it all. just take my kids and live in a mountain cabin and live off of the land. i hate where i am in my life. if it weren’t for my kids i know i’d be dead.
• sometimes i just sit and wonder why any of us are here. we certainly aren’t getting anything done. maybe we’re just waiting to die. then i remember her and i know.
• i sometimes wish i was allergic to bees so i would have a good reason to be afraid of them.
• yeah, he was going to visit me at college but you finally caught on. i thought he loved me more. i was wrong.
• i cheated on my husband with his best friend. she’s beautiful!
• i had sex with men three times my age for money to be able to buy a textbook. now i have the ability to disassociate my mind from my body and i’ve developed a second person of me named michelle.
• i cling to being not ok because happiness scares the daylights out of me.
• i think i’m in love with the boy i’m dating who is eleven years younger than me and i keep hoping a condom will break so i can get pregnant and can keep him.
• i think it’s funny when you talk about something that you think you know all about and i prove you wrong.
• i may have finally met a nice guy and i’m scared shitless.
• i feel like the man of my dreams doesn’t exist, yet i know i’m only seventeen.
• i look up at the night sky wondering if the person i’m supposed to be with is looking up as well thinking the exact same thing.
• just please, leave my whole heart.
• he wonders what he did wrong for me to want to not date him. the truth is, he’s the only guy i wanted to fuck and i don’t want to loose my virginity as a teenager.
• people always tell me how beautiful i am and that i should be a model. so why do i feel fat when i’m 6’ tall and 155 pounds and definitely not fat? i hate it.
• i lost my best friend to weekend parties.
• i would give anything to look like my best friend.
• i sent you the anonymous rose. i hope you liked it.
• i wished i was pregnant just so he would stay in my life when i really need him. just so i won’t be so alone through all of this. so i’d have a reason to live.
• he’s happy. i’m not. he’s got everything going for him. i have no one. he used to want me. he used to care. not anymore. i’m nothing but his past. i’m nothing to him.
• you want me to sing my songs to you and i want to but i fear the only reason you like the stupid cute things i do for you is because you love the idea of me.
• i had no hope until i found love. it’s the most amazing feeling in the world.
• thank you for making me the luckiest girl ever.
• i told my mom that pack of cigarettes belonged to a friend and i was just holding them for her so she could quit. i lied. they’re mine.
• i just wrote you a letter listing all of the reasons i don’t want to be with you anymore after four years. happy valentine’s day.
• i haven’t pooped in five weeks.
• even though it isn’t a sexual thing at all, it feels so good to have my physical therapist’s hands on my back that i want to cry.

i recieved this message from 'i would call...' in response to my comments on the postsecret blog. below is my reply. if i get anymore messages i will continue to post them here.

[ i would call... ] listen. i cant be arsed arguing with you becuase you obviously think your right no matter what.

i do want to know this. why do you feel the need to do exactly what frank is doing? except via texts, which is just rubbish by the way. why get people to text you rather than let them send their messages to frank? and dont say its becuase you offer advice to the people who text you, because your not qualified and you've no right to think you can give people advice on their personal life. further more, dont say "im 38, i know some stuff blah blah blah" because age is only a measurment of time, not of wisdom. and its been made clear to me that you, despite being 38, are not responsible let alone wise. and yes, i would say you are a bit pathetic, because you feel the need to recieve secrets from little girls and boys who's families dont love them enough or who have no friends who feel the need to vent via strangers. im not saying thats a bad thing, when your lonely your lonely. but your 38. you not got a family of your own?

teenagers giving out their personal phone numbers to strangers online is really really stupid and dangerous.
you should know that.

all ill say is this, frank is doing a good job. if i were you id let him get on with it.

and one last thing, ive had dozens of emails agreeing with what ive said. theres also been a few comments on the blog agreeing with me.

who's agreeing with you?


and here is my response...


i feel the need because the need is there. people were looking for a way to tell their secrets anonymously. frank is the one who proposed the idea in the first place. perhaps texts provide easier or quicker access for people. maybe sending in postcards wasn't enough. frank only posts 20/week. that's maybe 10% of what he actually gets? why are you so upset about it? if it isn't hurting you why get all up in arms about it.

i offer no advice and never made the suggestion that i do. i don't trade secrets either. out of the last 300 or so texts i have gotten, i have responded to one of them. i've also never suggested that i am qualified to do anything for anyone. this is virtually a one-way service. people text a secret to me, i post it. that's it.

how has this been made clear to you? again, i've never suggested any sort of wisdom, based on age or any other reason for that matter. if i had any sort of wisdom at all then i would be able to pull my own life out of the rut that it's in but here i sit none the better. i don't understand how any of this makes me irresponsible or unwise though. maybe you could enlighten me?

i suppose i am a bit pathetic. but then, of course, i didn't need you to point that out to me. i used to think the secrets i got were all from girls in their teens but i was wrong. the people that send me texts are wide ranging in age, gender, and backgrounds. i've gotten texts from all fifty states, most canadian provinces, and from several countries outside of north america. i don't know where the people are from who leave messages in my 'truth box' but i would presume it would only increase the diversity.

i'm not a teenager and i don't encourage anyone to give their number out. i've accepted whatever 'danger' you think is lurking out there for myself. really though, most of the people who post their numbers give out more information on their profiles then you would ever get from a phone number.

frank IS doing a good job. i never disputed that nor have i ever suggest he wasn't. also, i'd never get in the way of him doing what he does. i doubt that i am any sort of threat to his 'work'.

finally, i'm not trying to win a popularity contest with you. you made a comment on the blog and i responded. you said it was pathetic and i took offense to that. people are lonely in the world yet you seem to have no compassion for them. so go on with your wealth of friends and family and people you can share all of your deepest secrets with.
but why not leave the rest of us alone to be pathetic without your public scorn and disdain?

textsecret

a brief exchange on postsecret's myspace blog:

[ i would call... ] "hey. ive been looking at post secret for years. but this whole thing of giving your phone number out to strangers is not only a bit weird, but also really pathetic. a secret, for me anyway, isnt currency, its not something that can be traded or even owned. giving your phone number out on a public domain is dangerous, but thats a choice. the thing that bothers me the most is that "secrets" have now lost all their value. the best thing about a real secret is being able to get close enough to another human being to be able to trust them with it. and having that kind of trust in another is something that should be treasured. on the other hand, sending your secrets to frank is a diffferent story because its annonymous. and its probably quite theraputic to send them to somewhere like post secret. as you can see im obviously not great at getting my point across but ill close with this. instead of giving out your phone number to strangers, why not find one person, give them your phone number, build something great, get to know them and trust them, then share not only your secrets. but your lives. my best friend is sitting next to me, and he's the only one who knows every secret of mines. i wouldnt have it any other way. peace love unity."

[ s is for sachi ] "thank. you. i completely agree."

[ jesslyfish ] "finally someone has some sense and realizes how dumb it is to post your number on the internet. i also agree that only frank should be the keeper of the secrets."

[ me ] "pathetic? really? ok, lonely maybe, but i would hesitate at pathetic. of course i am biased because i am one of the pathetic people posting my number.

just how is it dangerous? i have yet to understand that one.

i'd say there is no "best thing" about 99% of secrets held by people. secrets tend to be dark and dirty things that people are ashamed of. that's why they are secrets. secrets eat away at people and wreak havoc on personal lives. i would like to think that encouraging folks to rid themselves of their secrets, in any way, would be a good thing.

not everyone can find a person in real life trust worthy enough to share a secret with. sharing with a complete stranger, like frank, can be quite cathartic. i am a complete stranger to everyone that texts me a secret.
doesn't that make what i do similar to what frank does? the service provided is nearly identical isn't it?

i have trust issues as it is so i am rather disinclined to try to get to know anyone, or try to make any new friends, so the possibilities of me having someone to share my darkest secrets with are few. why not toss them into the wind and text them to a complete stranger? sometimes it helps knowing one other person in the world knows what you are carrying around, even if that person is a complete stranger like frank, or myself."

[ i would call... ] "right. i understand everything you've wrote here. and your entitled to your opinion. but further down the page you have written "new secrets updated every monday".
when you post them, does that not mean it no longer is a secret?

anyway.. thats not my point. my point is, how many secrets do you have that you can update them every monday? i donno. im not starting an argument on this blog.

good luck with what ever you do.
x "

[ me ] "thank you for validating that i am, in fact, entitled to my opinion. at least my opinion is not judgmental. i don’t think that you understand any of what i’ve written (nor do i suspect you will understand any of what i write now) because i think that if you truly did understand that you wouldn’t think it was stupid or pathetic. you might find it annoying that people continue to post their numbers, not even commenting on the blog (i always comment on the blog itself) but that is different from what you said.

do you think that all of the postcards on postsecret are from frank? how could he have so many secrets and so many postcards that he can update it every week with 20 new images? obviously, i post the secrets that are sent to me from random strangers who get my number here. the secrets are then posted anonymously; just like postsecret. there are some differences between my site and frank’s, most notably, for obvious reasons, i have no postcards to go along with the secrets that are posted.

since i started doing this, i've gotten well over 1000 secrets sent to me via text. some phone numbers have generated several secrets but the vast majority of the secrets posted are from unique and individual numbers.

just because secrets are posted does not mean they are no longer secrets. i don’t know the person who sent the secret and they don’t know me. they still hold the secret hidden, except for me and any random strangers who might happen to read my blog, but it might not weigh as much now that it has briefly seen the smallest sliver of light. secrets can be heavy burdens to bear alone and sometimes the only person to be trusted with a secret is a stranger.

that is why everyone loves and appreciates what frank does. frank has opened his mailbox so that people around the world can unburden themselves of their secrets without the fear of being found out. maybe if a person can unload a secret to a random stranger and see that secret posted on a blog online, then that person can work up the courage to share that secret with someone closer to them and slowly work up the strength to be rid of the secret completely.

can you see how that might be a good thing? can you see how that might not be pathetic? …or stupid? …or even dangerous?

i googled my phone number. nothing came up. at least nothing that i haven’t made public already. i’m sure if you wanted to spend some money you could find out more but i’m not concerned about it. if i was, i probably wouldn’t post my number to begin with."

***

as always, thank you for sharing. here are this week's secrets:

• my world crumbles a little bit when he doesn't show me he loves me. i know this makes me insecure but because of my past i need to know that i am beautiful, loved, and worth while. i wish i could find the strength to know that i am worth it regardless of everyone else.
• you will always be my george. i miss you.
• i had only felt beautiful when i was anorexic and constantly losing weight. after two years with you i’ve gained it all back plus some but you make me feel beautiful anyway.
• i really like one of my best guy friends but he told me he is gay. i don’t know if i can get over him. i don’t think i want to.
• i still don’t believe you when you say you didn’t cheat. Now you’re going to visit her at her college but you asked my permission? what did you think i would say?
• when people compliment my phone my self-esteem goes way up.
• my best friend faked his death to walk away from everything and start over. i went along with it to prove i loved him then he walked away from me too.
• i wish mike knew i never said those things in the context he heard them. i miss my friend.
• there was a secret with julia in it. i’d give it all up too if i knew it was from him.
• i wish more than anything that my best friend had my boyfriend and i had hers.
• there is a man i would leave my fiance for if he ever gave me the opportunity.
• the only feeling i miss more than you is the blade pushing down on my wrist.
• my best friend and i are perfect for each other but i dated his best friend instead so, according to him, we can never date because of that and it kills me.
• i finally lost my virginity to the best boyfriend ever. all he wants in return is for me to feed him, rub his belly, and take him on walks.
• i told her today i haven’t gotten over her even a little bit. it’s been five months and i am still in love with her. i wish she would realize i love her more than life itself. every time she’s sad i cry on the inside and want to die. i feel like it’s completely my fault. i feel so alone not being around her or with her. i would kill myself right now if it wouldn’t hurt her so much. she’s still my best friend, my everything, but i feel i’ve already lost her.
• i’m a hypocrite. i say i hate liars but i lie every single day and no one has ever noticed.
• i want to die.
• i am not going to say i’m sorry, regardless of what happens tomorrow. you are not a friend of mine so stop pretending to be.
• i was the one who ended it. our divorce was final a year ago. i know we weren’t good together but sometimes i still miss him so much.
• i can’t help but smile whenever i get a text from her.
• i am truly and deeply in love with my ex. i don’t think he understands how much i want to be with him. i am so miserable without him and everyday i think about committing suicide because i can’t be with him.
• i thought he was telling the truth this time and got my hopes up.
• i wish my cousin had never moved here. he’s pathetic and needs his own friends.
• i was fine being single for the rest of my life until i met her. now she has an illness that can kill her at any minute. i think it is god’s way of punishing me for doubting. i love her and can’t live through losing her.
• i need to find someone i can give my all for, someone who will let me love them with every bone in my body. i wish i could find him.
• my best friend and i plan to move in together in a couple of years. two things have me worried: bringing home our girlfriends and boyfriends and 2012.
• i sometimes consider suicide for the sole purpose of making people feel guilty for how they treated me.
• i haven’t eaten today and i feel so pretty.
• how am i supposed to live when the one i’ve been living for is gone?
• i tell people my first year of high school is amazing but i hate it. i’m sick of spending lunch in the bathroom. i wish i could go back to private school.
• i play powerball hoping that if i win and give all of the money to my husband i won’t feel so bad for leaving him. he loves me too much.
• i want to get caught with everything. all the lies and stealing. i want help. I need help. i just can’t ask for it. i’m an addict and i’m so good no one even knows.
• i’m tired of being so good all of the time.
• last year i was in the most amazing relationship of my life but i was sick and i hit her so she left me. now she’s engaged and i spend everyday wishing she would let me try again. i will always love her more than anyone.
• whenever i walk around with my hands in my pocket i’m playing air-guitar.
• i hate to get upset because all you do is get angry when i do, but when you tell me how fucked up my family is it just makes me want to spend more time with them to prove you wrong. but you aren’t. they are assholes.
• i work as a barista and i don’t always wash my hands after using the bathroom.
• i would trade all of your love for money because that’s what i need now.
• i knew it didn’t matter to you when i told you. how is what happened to her worse than what happened to me?
• before I met him, I wished someone would care. remind me to be careful what i wish for.
• secretly, in the back of my mind, i want you to follow me wherever i go because i want you with me every day, every night, and every morning.
• i cut again. you’ll never know. it’s liberating.
• you think you’re helping but really i cut because of you. you’re way of helping makes things worse.
• i’m finally happy with who i’m becoming,
• he doesn’t really say ‘i love you’ anymore but he sings me songs that relate to me and him and i always wish he secretly means something by it.
• at this very moment while i am texting you i am on the phone with the boy i am in love with. i hope to tell him someday.
• i’m disgusted with myself for letting my ex back and breaking up with my boyfriend just to have my ex do the same thing to me again.
• i’m in love with my ex. i know there’s no one out there that can make me as happy as he can. all i want is for him to feel the same way and give me another chance. too bad he has too much pride and cares more about what his family and friends think. he is such a fucking jerk.
• i’m sick of this place and the people here. it’s all too predictable.
• i want to tell you about textsecret so you can try to figure out which secrets are mine.
• i’m afraid to go to the doctor because i’m afraid he’s going to tell me i’m dying.
• my mother terrorizes me. i’m afraid i’ll end up like her.
• i’m still in love with my high school sweetheart but he will never know it even though i still see him every day and call him regularly.
• i only have sex with him because i feel guilty for not loving him.
• i would give anything to be happy again. if i can’t be with her then i don’t want to be alive.
• sometimes i feel as if i don't have a purpose here. if i just disappeared one day, no one would miss me.
• she is living the life i always wanted.
• for the record, i am in love with you, i just won’t admit it.
• i left a two year relationship to be with him but i’m so scared he will leave me if i admit how suicidal i am that i’m thinking of getting back with my ex even though he is abusive just because i know he will be there when i want to die.
• i’m seriously considering trying acid for the first time next weekend.
• you don’t miss me. you say you do, but you don’t. its ok, i wouldn’t miss me either. you should forget me now while it would still be easy.
• sometimes i think that love is just a lie that people go on about and say they feel it just to cover up that they’re not feeling anything at all and that life sucks.
• i am so terrified of planes that i am considering killing myself if i can’t get out of going on my next vacation.
• i didn’t talk to him all weekend but i thought about him the whole time.
• i can almost get through a whole day without thinking of him. everyday is a battle with my inner demons on whether to let go or hold on.
• i want to plead with my friend to not leave me alone to deal with my problems, it will kill me, but i know he won’t listen.
• even though its over i still dream about being with you. / i wonder where we’d be if we’d had sex that night. / i’m still not over you. / i look like i have it all together but really inside i’m falling apart.
• all the pain, confusion, jealousy, and heartbreak was worth what our friendship has become. / i can feel myself turning into a mean person and i hate it. / i just realized that i pretty much hate myself. everything from the scars to the beaver teeth, fat body, personality, and just everything else. / last year, when nearly all of my friends forgot about my birthday it killed me inside. i’m always lying when i tell people i want them to forget about my birthday. / i freak out everything i say to people. i pinch myself or squeeze my hands really tight when ever i think i’ve said something wrong. i hate talking. / i’m so excited because i plan to throw up all my food from now on. / i can feel myself getting worse everyday. i don’t care about anything. i should just do away with myself but i want to get better. / i’m happy but i have a lot of suicidal thoughts. / i can’t cry. i get a few tears out, then it stops. i kind of miss it. / i’m never going to get over my addiction to cutting. i feel like such a failure. / i don’t care if he loves another girl, i’m still going to try to win him over. i still have some hope. the hardest part of this will be not telling my friends. / it’s amazing how fast the butterflies came back whenever he mentions romantic lyrics, says he loves me, or just says something sweet. / he knows me better than i thought.

textsecret

i was drunk-dialed from georgia (912 area code) this past friday. i really didn’t appreciate it. i don’t like it when people i know drunk-dial me so i most definitely don’t like it when a stranger does it. what’s odd (beside the fact that i answered a call from an unfamiliar number from at all) is that the person hung up when i answered and when i returned the call (because i like being hung-up on even less than being drunk-dialed) he denied calling me, then had a queen tell me off for returning the call. now, i realize i put my number out there for everyone to know, so to a certain extent i should’ve expected some jackass to drunk-dial me and should be thankful it’s only been once and hasn’t happened until now, but it doesn’t seem that far-fetched to me to think there has always been a bit of an unspoken/unwritten understanding that my number is for texts only and for secrets specifically. i mention this because i am hoping that my drunk-dialer from georgia is reading this and feels a bit of shame and stupidity for what he did. an apology would be appreciated but is hardly expected. making a phone call is an action that requires thought and a spot of concentration, you can’t just accidentally drunk-dial someone. so, the person (in georgia) consciously decided to drunk-dial me, decided to hang up on me when i answered, then chose to lie about calling me when i called back, and allowed a queen to tell me off when i tried to find out why i was called in the first place. when you look at it, there were several opportunities for this person to come clean and apologize on the spot but it didn’t happen which is why i don’t suspect it will happen now. i have the number saved in my phone now. it’s labeled, “jackass”. i considered publishing the number in this rant but thought better of it. if it happens again, i may reconsider….

i don’t participate in s4s. that’s why i don’t include the abbreviations (nr, pr, s4s) when post my number, because i don’t want to mislead anyone. i post some of my secrets here. i also have a personal blog that reveals most of what i hate about myself. so, most of my secrets aren’t really secrets as they are published, for all the world to see, in one place or another. it used to help to see my secrets online knowing that anyone could read them. it doesn’t really anymore. i have so many, and they never go away from me. the only difference is now anyone else can know about them too. i’ve included a new secret of my own this week (i promise it isn’t the last one). i used to every week but i haven’t in a while. so, if you put s4s at the end of your text, that is why i didn’t respond.

here are this week’s secrets. as always, thank you all for sharing.

• i’m 31 and im terrified i'll be stuck married forever to the one i’m not in love with. the last 5 yrs have been miserable but the 7 before that were bliss. he still has my heart.
• i watch “clean house” to feel better about not keeping my home as clean and organized as it should be.
• after the way he reacted today i don’t care if i’m strong enough to tell him again. he’s my best friend and i would die without him beside me.
• we always go to my aunt’s for dinner on sundays. i used to hate it but now she’s giving me blowjobs while everyone else is having dessert and this week i think she’s going to let me fuck her.
• when i can’t sleep my mind wanders and i can’t help but think about those other girl’s hands all over him. even though i’m his he’s not truly mine.
• my boyfriend pretends to hate his ex but i know he still likes her but it still makes me happy to hear him say it.
• i’m afraid to trust my boyfriend not to leave me. i’m scared to fall in love.
• i’m finally working on becoming the person i’ve always wanted to be.
• i’m flying 90 down 16 to get back to the arms i need.
• i wish I could tell my best friend that her diseases are all in her head.
• my twin sister doesn’t want to have sex until she is married so i’ve been fucking her boyfriend so he won’t break up with her.
• my sister just broke up with her boyfriend, and i know i should feel sad for her, but i can’t help but be happy he’s finally single.
• the other night my little brother came home from his first date with blue balls. i felt so bad because he was in so much pain so i gave him a blowjob. that’s what big sisters are for!
• i love somebody much older than me and very far away.
• i wish he was falling for me the way that i am falling for him. why does he only think about sex when i talk to him?
• quit telling me things because you know i want to hear them. i’m not that weak.
• it kills me when he says he doesn’t care anymore or that he just doesn’t know.
• i’m sleeping with my hall-mate’s boyfriend.
• i hate my best friend. sometimes she makes my skin crawl and my blood boil but she is the only one who can stand to be around me.
• i’m so bitter and angry at life. at least i think i am. it could be me instead and that makes me angrier not knowing what i’m angry and bitter about.
• i lied. hunger doesn’t hurt and, it’s embarrassing but, i actually feel sexy when i’m hungry.
• sometimes i wish i would get pregnant so that someone in this world would love me.
• i let my brother jack me off and i do it to him. we’re not gay. it just feels better when someone else does it.
• i have never felt so beautiful as when he holds my face in his hands and gently kisses my forehead. i just wish he would admit he is mine.
• while in bed with my arms around my boyfriend i was wondering where my ex is stationed. i don’t want him, i was just wondering.
• i don’t care about family, friends, school…. all i give a shit about now is myself. for once i’m letting my pain be the most important to me.
• i’m not afraid that i won’t find love but that when i do it won’t be enough to save me from myself.
• i don’t know if i really love him.
• i only want someone to dance with me in the rain.
• i had to have a d-and-c this week because my baby never developed a heart beat. i’m morally opposed to abortion and that’s what i feel like i did.
• i am leaving him because he makes me hate myself.
• i am jealous of other’s secrets.
• i married my love right out of high school and we’ve been married for 7 months. he’s in the army and i’m at university and my parents don’t know.
• i couldn’t stop crying today because i thought about you again and realized just how much i miss and need you.
• why can’t he see that i love him? he raped me but i love him anyway. i slit my wrists every night thinking about him. why do i love the guy that raped me?
• i’m embarrassed to have company at my house because then they will see what a pig i am.
• i’m in love with my best friend but don’t know if i should tell him because he already has a girlfriend and i don’t know how he would react.
• i’m going to stop eating tomorrow because it will be so much easier than losing the weight i need to lose being healthy about it.
• whenever i hear jack johnson i think of my best friend and how unlikely it is that he loves me the way i love him. it is always better when we’re together.
• my mom is the one who will make me push down on that blade.
• i love my best friend but she’s always having some problem or major drama in her life and it’s always more important than mine. i just feel she doesn’t care about mine.
• my close friend disgusts me.
• a month ago i thought you were saving me. you really just burned me like the rest. i’m afraid my secret is that i’ll always be the fool.
• sometimes i wish some horrible tragedy would happen around me so i could die saving someone’s life and be remembered as a hero.
• i wonder if i really am happy or if i am just telling myself that.
• every time i give my boyfriend a blowjob i puke some. tonight i puked a lot. it makes me feel like a failure knowing i can’t even do that right.
• why do you do this to me every year? i thought i knew you. i thought you grew up. i guess you’re just a two-faced liar like everyone else says.
• i wouldn’t mind falling in love with him.
• i’m adopted and grew up in a “white” household. when i’m with other asians in public, i feel like i’m being seen as a foreigner and i hate that but at the same time like i’m abandoning my heritage.
• i told my fiance that i want a dog for protection but really i just want it for special me time.
• i’m hanging out with my ex and his new girlfriend. this is the worst i’ve felt in a while. all i want to do is go home.
• cutting validates me. it tells me i exist when no one else does.
• i’m in my 30’s and have been married since i was a teenager. i’m not in love anymore and don’t want to fall in love again. i still love him, that’s why i stay.
• i have a new found hatred for indians, seeing how my uncle was murdered by one.
• i think he wanted me back just to be with someone. i think i will cheat on him to see if i really love him or if i am in it for the same thing.
• i thought i liked you but all it was waswj [sic]
• i’ve been flirting with my math teacher all year. he doesn’t mark me down for being tardy or if i turn in my homework late and he always lets me retake quizzes and tests so i can get better scores. now i want to take it to the next level but i’m scared he will laugh at me.
• my friend is in a magnet program and it pisses me off because she thinks she is so much smarter than me just because i’m not at that program.
• i believe i’m actually starting to make the right choices. i’m really starting to be happy with life.
• last night i cut myself. i wish there was something stopping me from doing it again.
• i’m trying so very hard to be happy but it’s hard to be happy when you’re alone and it’s hard not to be alone when nobody wants to be with you.
• i don’t know what it is about him but i can see myself with him as soon as he dumps her. i wish we didn’t have to hide.
• my best friend lied to me about going to see her sick grandma so she could hang out with the boy we both have a crush on. what a cunt!
• my best friend is the only person who seems to get me but she replaced me with her boyfriend and i’ve never felt so alone.
• i told someone that i know and talk to everyday my secret. she had the same one.
• fear of being alone is the biggest secret i’ve got. i hate you. i just want someone to snuggle with when my friends are with their boys.
• i just found out that my ex-boyfriend broke up with his girlfriend. now i feel like we have a chance again but i fear i have too much false hope.
• after three years of not cutting i have relapsed tonight because the boy i’m in love with finally moved on.
• it still shocks me how he can bring back all of the old feelings. I’m not sure like it.
• everyone says I’m pretty, so why don’t I have a boyfriend?
• my best friend doesn’t know how much i hate the person she’s become because i still have feelings for her and can’t bear to actually tell her.
• i know i’d take her back even though she cheated on me.
• i bought myself a birthday card since no one remembered my birthday in december.
• i don’t feel anything for you anymore. i would break up with you but i’m too used to you. plus, are relationship status is on facebook.
• there is nothing i can do, but if i could, i would do anything for you.
• every thing is just enough to get me by right now.
• no matter where i go or who i’m with i’d give it all up for julia.
• i seem to have a knack for stealing girls from other girls that i hook up with. it sucks because i always end up hurting someone.
• i always miss you most on superbowl sundays. that’ll never change regardless of how happy i am.
• i was hoping that my birthday present from my best friend would be him admitting that he feels the same way for me as i do for him. it wasn’t.
• i hate how my mom tells everyone all these lies about how i’m the perfect daughter yet in private all she does is criticize me and kill my self-esteem.
• i can not lie to him for the life of me. he always knows when i am and most of the time i don’t want to lie to him.
• i’m so sick of how you do things and discover things that i showed you or did first. you’re not unique for doing it, you’re just a poseur.
• spencer, when you kissed me on the cheek friday i really liked it more than i should have. it was super cute.
• all i ever think about is you.
• sometimes i can’t help but wonder if my no alcohol stance is ruining all of the fun i could be having in college.
• i’m going to marry him. call me crazy but he’s everything i’ve dreamed of. i don’t know what i’d do if i didn’t have him by my side every night.
• there really was nothing quite as ridiculous as the two of us and the best thing about it was how doomed we were.
• this anatomy test is a quarter of my grade but i just can’t get myself to start studying for it.
• yesterday he told me he doesn’t want to be in a relationship but he still wants to be with me. he doesn’t realize how those words are killing me on the inside. today he says he’s changed his mind and he’s in love with me more than ever. it’s hard to believe but i guess i have to take his word for it.
• i should leave you. i deserve better. i just don’t want to have to go through the process of getting comfortable with someone else.
• i want to brag about the fact that i am a size seven (i used to be a size 18) but i’m worried my two best friends (still big) will resent me and talk about me behind my back.
• i want to quit doing oxy really bad but i’m afraid i’ll gain back the twenty pounds i’ve lost while smoking it.
• i'm so lost and scared right now. all of my best friends are turning on me because i smoke cigarettes sometimes. i smoke because i have too much stress from my mom. i'm not addicted, but it feels great to have to sit down because my head is spinning, instead of thinking about the things my mom says to me. i need to get out of here. i've not nothing holding me down now, because all i had before were my friends, and they don't even know how bad this is hurting me. my next step is the kids help phone. last night my one good friend i have left witnessed what my mom does to me, and she said i wasn't normal. i'm also scared that what i'm put through isn't as bad as what other people have to go through, so i'm just being a loser. i'm sorry. i really just had to get this out.
• i read the “missed connections“ ads in my local paper and on craigslist hoping there will be a missed connection about me. there never is.
• after looking at all of your photos, your myspace, reading your blogs, and looking at your other website, textsecret - i think i have the beginnings of a crush on you.

textsecret

i was drunk-dialed from georgia (912 area code) this past friday. i really didn’t appreciate it. i don’t like it when people i know drunk-dial me so i most definitely don’t like it when a stranger does it. what’s odd (beside the fact that i answered a call from an unfamiliar number from at all) is that the person hung up when i answered and when i returned the call (because i like being hung-up on even less than being drunk-dialed) he denied calling me, then had a queen tell me off for returning the call. now, i realize i put my number out there for everyone to know, so to a certain extent i should’ve expected some jackass to drunk-dial me and should be thankful it’s only been once and hasn’t happened until now, but it doesn’t seem that far-fetched to me to think there has always been a bit of an unspoken/unwritten understanding that my number is for texts only and for secrets specifically. i mention this because i am hoping that my drunk-dialer from georgia is reading this and feels a bit of shame and stupidity for what he did. an apology would be appreciated but is hardly expected. making a phone call is an action that requires thought and a spot of concentration, you can’t just accidentally drunk-dial someone. so, the person, in georgia, consciously decided to drunk-dial me, decided to hang up on me when i answered, then chose to lie about calling me when i called back, and allowed a queen to tell me off when i tried to find out why i was called in the first place. when you look at it, there were several opportunities for this person to come clean and apologize on the spot but it didn’t happen which is why i don’t suspect it will happen now. i have the number saved in my phone now. it’s labeled, “jackass”. i considered publishing the number in this rant but thought better of it. if it happens again, i may reconsider….

i don’t participate in s4s. that’s why i don’t include the abbreviations (nr, pr, s4s) when i post my number, because i don’t want to mislead anyone. i post some of my secrets here and i also have a personal blog that reveals most of what i hate about myself. so, most of my secrets aren’t really secrets as they are published, for all the world to see, in one place or another. it used to help to see my secrets online knowing that anyone could read them. it doesn’t really anymore. i have so many, and they never go away from me. the only difference is now anyone else can know about them too. i’ve included a new secret of my own this week. i used to every week but i haven’t in a while. so, if you put s4s at the end of your text, that is why i didn’t respond.

here are this week’s secrets. as always, thank you all for sharing.

• i’m 31 and im terrified i'll be stuck married forever to the one i’m not in love with. the last 5 yrs have been miserable but the 7 before that were bliss. he still has my heart.
• i watch “clean house” to feel better about not keeping my home as clean and organized as it should be.
• after the way he reacted today i don’t care if i’m strong enough to tell him again. he’s my best friend and i would die without him beside me.
• we always go to my aunt’s for dinner on sundays. i used to hate it but now she’s giving me blowjobs while everyone else is having dessert and this week i think she’s going to let me fuck her.
• when i can’t sleep my mind wanders and i can’t help but think about those other girl’s hands all over him. even though i’m his he’s not truly mine.
• my boyfriend pretends to hate his ex but i know he still likes her but it still makes me happy to hear him say it.
• i’m afraid to trust my boyfriend not to leave me. i’m scared to fall in love.
• i’m finally working on becoming the person i’ve always wanted to be.
• i’m flying 90 down 16 to get back to the arms i need.
• i wish I could tell my best friend that her diseases are all in her head.
• my twin sister doesn’t want to have sex until she is married so i’ve been fucking her boyfriend so he won’t break up with her.
• my sister just broke up with her boyfriend, and i know i should feel sad for her, but i can’t help but be happy he’s finally single.
• the other night my little brother came home from his first date with blue balls. i felt so bad because he was in so much pain so i gave him a blowjob. that’s what big sisters are for!
• i love somebody much older than me and very far away.
• i wish he was falling for me the way that i am falling for him. why does he only think about sex when i talk to him?
• quit telling me things because you know i want to hear them. i’m not that weak.
• it kills me when he says he doesn’t care anymore or that he just doesn’t know.
• i’m sleeping with my hall-mate’s boyfriend.
• i hate my best friend. sometimes she makes my skin crawl and my blood boil but she is the only one who can stand to be around me.
• i’m so bitter and angry at life. at least i think i am. it could be me instead and that makes me angrier not knowing what i’m angry and bitter about.
• i lied. hunger doesn’t hurt and, it’s embarrassing but, i actually feel sexy when i’m hungry.
• sometimes i wish i would get pregnant so that someone in this world would love me.
• i let my brother jack me off and i do it to him. we’re not gay. it just feels better when someone else does it.
• i have never felt so beautiful as when he holds my face in his hands and gently kisses my forehead. i just wish he would admit he is mine.
• while in bed with my arms around my boyfriend i was wondering where my ex is stationed. i don’t want him, i was just wondering.
• i don’t care about family, friends, school…. all i give a shit about now is myself. for once i’m letting my pain be the most important to me.
• i’m not afraid that i won’t find love but that when i do it won’t be enough to save me from myself.
• i don’t know if i really love him.
• i only want someone to dance with me in the rain.
• i had to have a d-and-c this week because my baby never developed a heart beat. i’m morally opposed to abortion and that’s what i feel like i did.
• i am leaving him because he makes me hate myself.
• i am jealous of other’s secrets.
• i married my love right out of high school and we’ve been married for 7 months. he’s in the army and i’m at university and my parents don’t know.
• i couldn’t stop crying today because i thought about you again and realized just how much i miss and need you.
• why can’t he see that i love him? he raped me but i love him anyway. i slit my wrists every night thinking about him. why do i love the guy that raped me?
• i’m embarrassed to have company at my house because then they will see what a pig i am.
• i’m in love with my best friend but don’t know if i should tell him because he already has a girlfriend and i don’t know how he would react.
• i’m going to stop eating tomorrow because it will be so much easier than losing the weight i need to lose being healthy about it.
• whenever i hear jack johnson i think of my best friend and how unlikely it is that he loves me the way i love him. it is always better when we’re together.
• my mom is the one who will make me push down on that blade.
• i love my best friend but she’s always having some problem or major drama in her life and it’s always more important than mine. i just feel she doesn’t care about mine.
• my close friend disgusts me.
• a month ago i thought you were saving me. you really just burned me like the rest. i’m afraid my secret is that i’ll always be the fool.
• sometimes i wish some horrible tragedy would happen around me so i could die saving someone’s life and be remembered as a hero.
• i wonder if i really am happy or if i am just telling myself that.
• every time i give my boyfriend a blowjob i puke some. tonight i puked a lot. it makes me feel like a failure knowing i can’t even do that right.
• why do you do this to me every year? i thought i knew you. i thought you grew up. i guess you’re just a two-faced liar like everyone else says.
• i wouldn’t mind falling in love with him.
• i’m adopted and grew up in a “white” household. when i’m with other asians in public, i feel like i’m being seen as a foreigner and i hate that but at the same time like i’m abandoning my heritage.
• i told my fiance that i want a dog for protection but really i just want it for special me time.
• i’m hanging out with my ex and his new girlfriend. this is the worst i’ve felt in a while. all i want to do is go home.
• cutting validates me. it tells me i exist when no one else does.
• i’m in my 30’s and have been married since i was a teenager. i’m not in love anymore and don’t want to fall in love again. i still love him, that’s why i stay.
• i have a new found hatred for indians, seeing how my uncle was murdered by one.
• i think he wanted me back just to be with someone. i think i will cheat on him to see if i really love him or if i am in it for the same thing.
• i thought i liked you but all it was waswj [sic]
• i’ve been flirting with my math teacher all year. he doesn’t mark me down for being tardy or if i turn in my homework late and he always lets me retake quizzes and tests so i can get better scores. now i want to take it to the next level but i’m scared he will laugh at me.
• my friend is in a magnet program and it pisses me off because she thinks she is so much smarter than me just because i’m not at that program.
• i believe i’m actually starting to make the right choices. i’m really starting to be happy with life.
• last night i cut myself. i wish there was something stopping me from doing it again.
• i’m trying so very hard to be happy but it’s hard to be happy when you’re alone and it’s hard not to be alone when nobody wants to be with you.
• i don’t know what it is about him but i can see myself with him as soon as he dumps her. i wish we didn’t have to hide.
• my best friend lied to me about going to see her sick grandma so she could hang out with the boy we both have a crush on. what a cunt!
• my best friend is the only person who seems to get me but she replaced me with her boyfriend and i’ve never felt so alone.
• i told someone that i know and talk to everyday my secret. she had the same one.
• fear of being alone is the biggest secret i’ve got. i hate you. i just want someone to snuggle with when my friends are with their boys.
• i just found out that my ex-boyfriend broke up with his girlfriend. now i feel like we have a chance again but i fear i have too much false hope.
• after three years of not cutting i have relapsed tonight because the boy i’m in love with finally moved on.
• it still shocks me how he can bring back all of the old feelings. i’m not sure i like it.
• everyone says i’m pretty, so why don’t i have a boyfriend?
• my best friend doesn’t know how much i hate the person she’s become because i still have feelings for her and can’t bear to actually tell her.
• i know i’d take her back even though she cheated on me.
• i bought myself a birthday card since no one remembered my birthday in december.
• i don’t feel anything for you anymore. i would break up with you but i’m too used to you. plus, are relationship status is on facebook.
• there is nothing i can do, but if i could, i would do anything for you.
• every thing is just enough to get me by right now.
• no matter where i go or who i’m with i’d give it all up for julia.
• i seem to have a knack for stealing girls from other girls that i hook up with. it sucks because i always end up hurting someone.
• i always miss you most on superbowl sundays. that’ll never change regardless of how happy i am.
• i was hoping that my birthday present from my best friend would be him admitting that he feels the same way for me as i do for him. it wasn’t.
• i hate how my mom tells everyone all these lies about how i’m the perfect daughter behind in private all she does is criticize me and kill my self-esteem.
• i can not lie to him for the life of me. he always knows when i am and most of the time i don’t want to lie to him.
• i’m so sick of how you do things and discover things that i showed you or did first. you’re not unique for doing it, you’re just a poseur.
• spencer, when you kissed me on the cheek friday i really liked it more than i should have. it was super cute.
• all i ever think about is you.
• sometimes i can’t help but wonder if my no alcohol stance is ruining all of the fun i could be having in college.
• i’m going to marry him. call me crazy but he’s everything i’ve dreamed of. i don’t know what i’d do if i didn’t have him by my side every night.
• there really was nothing quite as ridiculous as the two of us and the best thing about it was how doomed we were.
• this anatomy test is a quarter of my grade but i just can’t get myself to start studying for it.
• yesterday he told me he doesn’t want to be in a relationship but he still wants to be with me. he doesn’t realize how those words are killing me on the inside. today he says he’s changed his mind and he’s in love with me more than ever. it’s hard to believe but i guess i have to take his word for it.
• i should leave you. i deserve better. i just don’t want to have to go through the process of getting comfortable with someone else.
• i want to brag about the fact that i am a size seven (i used to be a size 18) but i’m worried my two best friends (still big) will resent me and talk about me behind my back.
• i want to quit doing oxy really bad but i’m afraid i’ll gain back the twenty pounds i’ve lost while smoking it.
• i read the “missed connections“ ads in my local paper and on craigslist hoping there will be a missed connection about me. there never is.