textsecret

i started teaching myself how to play guitar this past week with the help of a dvd from the library. it has to be one of the most painful instruments to learn. you have to press your fingers into the strings and hold them down in order to get a clear note. after the first lesson, i put the guitar away and realized i had blisters on my fingers. i waited a couple of days before i practiced again. it hurt again but not as much. the blisters had turned to callouses and i was developing a tolerance for the feeling. in fact, i found, that my fingers were searching for the same twinge of pain while looking for the correct fingering for the chords.

the lies that we tell to hide the secrets that we keep are like callous on our fingers. they protect us from our fears, from the judgment of others, of ourselves. they insulate us from what is real and painful and what is really painful. we convince ourselves that keeping the secrets and telling the lies is easier than the alternative and that no one would ever want to be around us if the truth were set free. we live in bubbles that blur reality, smooth rough edges, numb emotions, and dampen colors.

my calloused fingers seem numb now, like the tips of my fingers are perpetually asleep. i don’t have the feeling in them that i did just a week ago. it’s remarkable how quickly the body will act to protect itself and how fast the mind will justify it.

• i knew what he was doing to her but i didn’t do anything to stop him. now i feel the guilt of it being my fault
• i peed on my sister’s face while she was sleeping b/c she broke my power ranger
• i gave blood and money to save the daughter of the woman who stole my husband
• i think i want them to divorce but i’m afraid he won’t choose me when he’s free.
• i faked the whole thing and i’ll never be able to let anyone know. everyone would be so disappointed in me.
• i love to laugh. a lot. i also sing karaoke by myself. and i love bridges.
• i’m so lost i don’t know what to do or where to go. just where i want to be.
• i haven’t eaten anything in almost 24 hours and i’m not that hungry. i wish i always felt like this that way i could lose weight.
• i realized he came into my life for a reason. it’s going to be happy but i hope it’s not love.
• 20 years later, i still think i see the man who raped me every once and a while. i never mention it t whoever i’m with…
• the 1 time i was happy i was dating a married man 11 yrs older than me. he had no job no car and cheated on me. id never take it back
• i always thought the phrase bored to tears was an overstatement. until today. the sad part is i have a boyfriend, family, and friends who i love and love me. but i am so bored i want to pull my hair out.
• i wonder if i am truly happy, or if i tell myself that because that’s what people want to see
• i'm utterly terrified of not being cared about.
• i see that picture of your lips, and stare at it... i really want to kiss them and hope it makes your hurt go away, for a while.
• i don't hate him. looking in my son's face, all i want to do is thank him.
• i’m only 19 but i know who i want to spend the rest of my life with, yesterday he purposed to his 17 year old girlfriend of a year and now i feel like i have nothing to live for. i’ve convinced myself that no one will ever be as good as him and now no one is. i’m gonna be alone forever
• i wish that my life was on the line instead of his so i know that his family can see him again
• i met the kid i REALLY like about a month ago. here’s the problem, he’s gay. shows how good my life’s gonna be
• it has been a year & a half since i ended my ten year marriage. i had an online relationship w/a married man for 3 years before i left. i didn’t leave because of my online fling; it was really over before i left my husband. but since i left, i have not dated, and haven’t wanted to. my ex is blissfully happy w/a girlfriend. oh, did i mention i lost my job 3 months ago? i am losing my apartment. if i ever doubted God, He has shown me He is real and punishing me
• i don’t believe in God but i do believe in karma so i think i must have done something to deserve all of this and i’m always waiting for the next crisis to start.
• i am twenty years old and no where near becoming the person i always thought i would be at this age.
• we fell in love when i was 12 and he 21. we’re still together. it’s a special love that no one understands but that doesn’t mean it’s not love. we’re getting married
• i overeat because i don’t like myself and i don’t like myself because i’m so overweight
• he’ll never know we were going to have another child. i will never tell him and i feel like i will go to hell for that. he left on a saturday and i fixed the problem on monday. he wants more and i just want fake breasts.
• i was o obsessed with making him the happiest person, with protecting him. now that we broke up i’m obsessed with being the girl that ruins his life.
• i want to kill myself because i’ve had arthritis since i was 12. i’m afraid i won’t be able to do anything as it progresses and life won’t be worth living anymore.
• i just want to run away with and be happy. no one suspects “us” and i know they wouldn’t like it. but i’m in love with him and couldn’t be happier!
• i’m a 19 year old orphan with a brain tumor. i’m not going to tell anyone and i won’t get the surgery. i’d rather die on my own terms than waster away.
• i don’t think anyone will ever love me, i don’t blame them.
• i'm so lost.
• i’m choosing my fiancé over my dad and nothing has ever hurt worse
• i started college last month. i’m surrounded by people and friends but i’ve never felt more alone.
• i should be the one kissing him. after all i’ve done for him… i deserve the chance to be with him again. i’m starting to lose hope in everything.
• i have the urge to wish for him every 11:11 an then i wonder what is wrong with me. i broke up with him. as much as I hate to admit it, things are different between us. we’re not as far apart as i’d like to believe and no matter how i felt about him, love or hate, i was never apathetic. so now i find myself yearning for him to yet again experience the rage, the ecstasy. though i hold guilt as to whether it’s him i want or my desire for how he makes me feel. am i really falling for the one i abused in the first place?
• i finally admit it – she cheated on me. i’m not mad anymore. i kinda needed to be free
• i saw my secret on your blog. my secret is real, i cried as i wrote it. but somehow to see it written there makes me feel fake. i guess that is my secret too. i am fake.
• sometimes i’m afraid the only man i’ll ever love is the one who abused me. i was strong enough to kick him out, but i don’t think i’ll ever really leave him.
• i refuse to quit smoking because it’s the only way i get breaks at work.
• my worst fear is getting my fingernails ripped off. so i bite them and cut them down
• sometimes when i’m feeling more lonely than usual i use the 3 extra pillows in my bed and put them in a line next to me and i just put an arm around the pillows cause i fall asleep so much quicker pretending that it’s you and that you are not gone forever