20.10.08

textsecret

there are 47 new secrets this week! i’ve responded to some and was very happy to have done so. i hope that my responses helped. it seems many are dealing with unrequited feelings of one sort or another. i want to tell you all that it is ok to be alone. i know it’s not easy. lord how i know that. but there should be no social stigma for not being connected to another in an intimate way.

i had an interesting experience last night that i will share here instead of my myspace blog. i was sitting alone at an outdoor table at a local pub i go to after work sometimes. It was about 8pm when a woman came walking down the sidewalk by herself. it was obvious to me by the way she was swerving down the sidewalk that she was drunk. she smiled at me and bumped into a chair at my table. i asked if she was ok, she said yes and kept walking.

she bumped into a chair at the next table and i asked if she would like to join me. my idea was to get her off of her feet so she could catch her breath and maybe sober up a little before going on. she finally agreed and sat down.

i told her i would normally offer her a drink but she seemed to have had enough already. she laughed and said she wasn’t drunk to which i scoffed. she said, “really, i’m not drunk. i have a brain injury.”

i apologized for not believing her and asked if she would tell me what had happened. she said that when she was eighteen she was in a car accident and had hurt her head badly. the damage to her brain has impaired her balance, slowed her thinking, and limits her memory abilities. i told her that i was very sorry and she replied that it could have been so much worse.

then she told me about how excited she was because in january she was being allowed to move out of the group home she was living in. we discussed her anxieties about a roommate and rent, and also her anticipation of having her own place and independence. she was thrilled about the prospect of being able to do things like cooking or taking a shower without asking permission first.

while i walked her to the bus stop i thanked her for sitting with me and helping me to remember to be thankful for what i have. there is always a flip side to the coin we are given but we often get tunnel-visioned just looking at the down side. it could always be so much worse.

it is difficult for me to even write something like this without feeling like a cheese-ball or like i am working for hallmark or some silly daily affirmation company. you can’t really write or say something like this without seeming trite or cliché. it still needs to be said though and it is important to remember.

i gave her my name and phone number, written on a piece of paper so she wouldn’t have to rely on her memory. i told her if she ever needed anything to feel free to call me. there was no sexual tension between the two of us, no attraction at all, and my gesture was not a come on in any way. i don’t know if she will ever call but that hardly seems to matter. she appeared long enough to give me a message and i got the message and thanked her for it. i don’t know who or what sends the messages but i am thankful when i am conscious enough to receive them. regardless of your mood or the state of your life, it is important to always have your eyes wide open because you never know when a blessing will come stumbling down the sidewalk…

thank you all for your secrets. keep sending them and i will keep posting them and we will rid ourselves of the burden of carrying them and thinking we are all alone.

  • i have trichotillomania. i pull out my hair.
  • i want nothing more than to succeed but I am failing. i would rather die than admit failure. i have picked the date.
  • i am 26 and i got divorced because he cheated on me not because we grew apart. my family and friends have no idea.
  • my phone number is the same as an old escort service. sometimes i answer the phone as an escort so i can embarrass the fuck out of the pervs that call.
  • i haven’t let my dad hug me since i was 12 and he kissed me on the lips. that was 6 years ago.
  • my ex-husband in transgender. i wish he would kill himself like he threatens.
  • i’m going back for a bachelors at the age of 26 because i don’t know what else to do. at least i’ll know i’m a student for the next 3 years.
  • there are days when i love him and days when i don’t… i hope the day he proposes i do! i really do want to spend the rest of my life with him!
  • there’s this boy that i don’t even know and i want so bad to even be his friend but i feel like i’d be TOO happy in comparison to him to be anything but a stranger to him
  • i don’t want to be with him, but i don’t want anyone else to be either. mostly cause i know how happy he could and would make me, i mean, her…
  • i wonder if i should have stayed unhappy to avoid being alone.
  • even though he broke my heart into a million little pieces… i would take him back in a second. (and every time i see him i feel more pathetic.)
  • my best friend in high school wanted me 2 b with her. i told her i wasn’t gay, but now that i’m bi - god how i want 2 c her again.
  • i am an adult and sometimes i get turned on by teenage boys.
  • i am not lesbian or bi, but i fall in love with every single one of my best friends.
  • i don’t think i’ve reacted to my mother’s death.
  • i still go to my ex’s myspace and pwned pages because seeing his photos still gives me butterflies. even though i pretend like he was a huge mistake deep down i know he was the one. i’m with a different man now whom i love very much. i think we will get married but i know i’ll be thinking of jon.
  • i want to die every day. it’s not getting any easier.
  • i have no idea how to respond when someone compliments me.
  • some of my best writing is done buzzed or drunk and i have a callous on my palm from twisting bottle caps.
  • at 17, i’m considering stripping so i can make enough money to move out of my parent’s house and put myself through college.
  • i look at my boyfriend and i can’t help thinking about what a good father and husband he’ll be one day. i hope i’m the lucky girl who gets to experience it.
  • i love him because he shares my obsession with twilight. it is lame but true.
  • sometimes i wish the movie “eternal sunshine of the spotless mind” was real, so i could erase him from my memory. then i’d meet him all over again because i’d miss how things were when we first met. but i’ll never have that feeling again because i want to spend the rest of my life with him.
  • i have troubled thoughts and self-esteem to match.
  • i wish i could give him up as easily as he gave me up, and i’m afraid that i’d still take him back if he asked even knowing what kind of person he really is.
  • i share my secrets with everyone, not because i trust them but because if everyone knows i don’t have to trust anyone to keep them so no one has power over me.
  • i got a tattoo saying that i’m a survivor. what a lie. the person i was died that night. this isn’t me.
  • i’m glad i never let you go, after you broke my heart countless times, because then today wouldn’t have happened. i love you, i always will
  • i’m falling for my best friend. JRM i love you.
  • i think i ruined everything when i had a one night stand with the guy of my dreams.
  • i lie to myself so often, that i don’t believe a word that i say.
  • a month ago i slept with a guy 10 years older than me & an ex who i love all in the same day. i’m pregnant & i don’t know who the father is. i’m 18 & in college.
  • euthanizing animals doesn’t bother me as much as i think it should.
  • i think i’m trying too hard to find a secret to me, i should just admit that my life hasn’t been filled with enough to have one.
  • he broke up with me, but we’re still friends. i finally see him 3 weeks later and find out that he has lingering feelings for me, but doesn’t want to do distance. we’re still friends, but i’m not sure who i am without him. i miss him and what we had and i use all my wishes on him.
  • he loves me too. life is wonderful!
  • i thought i’d lost it all when i told my friend i was in love with her. i soon realized i was in love with her personality. i am in love with her friendship.
  • my late aunt would berate my mom for homeschooling us; but i was the one who explained “second base” to her now slut of a daughter. vindication!
  • my husband is being transferred to a new city and i’m worried he’ll find someone else while waiting on me & our kids to follow in a few months
  • i don’t want to have children and whenever i tell people i feel like a leper. they always make some crack about me changing my mind.
  • i was stabbed in the back. i have a right to my anger. my secrets turned out to be hers and she openly shared them for months.
  • i don’t think i can handle this. i really wish i could just give up.
  • i hate kissing my boyfriend. it’s all he ever wants to do
  • i've become so cynical and pessimistic about marriage because all the married people i know seem so miserable.
  • i wanted to send you another secret, but looking at your blog i realize that some 1 else has already sent you all my secrets. the only 1 left is my crush on u and your ability to be open to ppl you don’t know about. things i can’t even admit to myself some times.
  • i don't know if love exists anymore because i loved him with all my heart and he's thrown me away

5 comments:

sweetie831 said...

My secret is up there but there are a few that could also be mine. I think I have become cynical about marriage for the same reasons! It makes me want to throw beer cans at newlyweds cars like Pink does in her video So What.

musician02 said...

Mine is also posted, but as I was reading, I realized that more than one of those secrets could also be mine. Such validation in the knowledge that, even in pain, so many people are connected.

Emily said...

I feel a certain sense of... connectedness?... or perhaps freedom?... seeing my text written out in that post.

(Even though I still feel awkward and uncomfortable when people compliment me.)

Hannah said...

what a chance seeing a secret I can identify with the first time reading this page. I love it! Vindication for the home schooled kids everywhere! Whoever, wherever you are, cyber high five!

sweetie831 said...

Emily, I am the same way about compliments. It's weird. I should be able to say thank you or something like I tell my kids to do but it makes me feel odd.