6.10.08

textsecret

i know we all find comfort and solace in the secrets that we read either on postsecret, the postsecret myspace blog, or right here. i’ve found a community of similarly tense, angry, hurt, anxious, elated, and sad souls baring secrets that often mirror my own. i don’t relate to every secret and sometimes i don’t even understand them, but i always relate to the torment of keeping secrets.

this project has been great for me because i no longer have to wait until sunday to read the twenty secrets that frank posts and, since they are coming directly to me, i feel a stronger connection with them. there are, in fact, times where it seems that instead of receiving an anonymous text about someone’s secret, some stranger is sending me a text to comment on my life directly. i know this is irrational, but when i read a text at 3am in a half-sleeping stupor, it sometimes feels eerily relevant to my own life.

so many of this week’s text were like that for me. it’s like getting a fortune in a cookie that actually means something to you, or having an old friend call out of the blue at the very instant you are thinking about them. i wonder if these aren’t signs that i should be paying attention to or if i am just reading more into it then i should. maybe i am imbuing it with more meaning than is really there. after all, these texts are about the senders and not about me.

anyway, thanks to all of you who sent in new secrets. keep releasing them into the wind and the grip they have on our lives will lessen until we can be free and fly away happy.

  • i talk to my ex still and sometimes the enormity of love he feels nauseates me. i think he’s pathetic and i want him to move on but he won’t
  • he's cheated on me so many times that i don’t feel the same way for him anymore. the only reason it seems i haven’t left him is our son, and that he needs me. even though i don’t love him i can’t just throw him out.
  • i wonder how long it will take the people at work to realize that i do nothing all day, hate all of them, and only stay for the check and benefits
  • every time my roommates start talking about relationships, it makes me wish i wasn’t gay
  • my mom is the only reason i haven’t killed myself. i could never hurt her like that after all we have been through together.
  • j.s.e. saved my life. i wish i could tell her how much she means to me. i haven’t cut since i talked to her june 3rd, 2008!
  • i have never hated my life as much as i do now. i want to leave him, but my lover doesn’t want me anymore
  • i’m running away with a man i met a week ago. i’m not telling anyone. no family – no friends. i’m already so scared BUT SO SO in love!
  • i go to shows and concerts in hopes of meeting my soul mate singing along to my favorite songs.
  • i don't believe in god...but i'm also afraid i will burn in hell... what does this mean?
  • my only hope in life is a man i’ve never met
  • i wish my husband would die in iraq
  • it’s been 22 years since she died and i’ve never felt more ashamed about the disappointment i must be
  • i hate how my mom always compares me to other people n points out all my flaws. she makes me feel like shit.
  • after 8 years, on monday i finally told him i am in love with him. today he told me that i wasn’t in love with him and that i was only in love with the thought of him. i just want him to believe me.
  • when i was 14 my mom left the state to go live with her bf 3000 miles away
  • i secretly think he’s in love with his sister
  • i plan on leaving this place and never speaking to anybody here ever again even my best friends
  • i miss being myself. i moved this summer. and i’d get shot if i was the real me here
  • i plan on fooling around with my friend who has a gf
  • i use boys
  • i’m always just the friend, but i love being guys friends too much to stop
  • i’m wayyyy too shallow. i won’t even be friends with ugly people
  • i push guys away cause i fear it will be my fault in the end i broke up with my boyfriend tonight because i’m in love with a man i’ve never even met. he cried… and that broke my heart
  • i broke up with my fiancé a few months ago but i am already in love again. yet i can’t commit to him in any way either because i still have this picture in my head of my ex coming back and marrying me. it makes me feel guilty and want to disappear and never have to deal with either of them again.
  • my girlfriend is pregnant
  • i don’t want him to leave but i want him to do what is best for him. damn the army for taking him away from me.
  • i think i love him. i think i need him. but i will never find out without loosing him, and by then it would be too late. i don't know how to explain it, but he is my world. and i guess that counts as love.
  • "i'm never alone, i'm alone all the time" -- not just song lyrics, it's my secret.
  • i want him more than anything in my life but i’m so afraid that he doesn’t want me
  • i pretend not to care and not to be scared but he hurt my heart so bad. i’m just willing to wait for someone to heal it for as long as it takes now.
  • i know that he can save me but i’m too afraid to ask
  • i told him my deepest secret and now i think everything has changed and i’m terrified of losing what little of him i have left.
  • i hide my bipolar disorder but it gives me an unrelenting anger, guilt, and sorrow that hurts the ones i love
  • i love my son but am so agoraphobic i make up excuses so occasionally his father will keep him. i just can’t face the world some days
  • i broke up with the only kid i’ve ever felt for most. he liked me for a month and then moved on to a new girl. it’s been 6 months. i have a boyfriend but i’m in love with my ex and i don’t believe i will ever move on
  • i still hate my life even though i promised him i didn’t
  • after thinking about it for 6 months, i am finally going to kiss the sexy man behind the bar next saturday night. he has no idea. neither does my boyfriend.
  • dear brother, you don’t think i remember but i know you molested me when i was younger. it was the reason i can’t be with any guy. i can’t shake the memories. i’m afraid you ruined my life.
  • i’m scared of everything. everyone thinks i’m a great person and i’m honest and trustworthy. i am a wonderful liar.
  • he told me he’ll stop smoking weed for me. i feel horrible… i want him to stop because he wants to
  • i only have been acting like a whore since i met him that day at the show. i do exactly what he does. i don’t know why.
  • i’m scared that i’m unconsciously manipulative, just because i’m a scorpio
  • i think it’s weird how ppl feel so much more comfortable talking about how they feel to strangers rather than friends and family. but i feel that way too.
  • i miss love, but am too afraid of it to want it.
  • i have no friends. in an effort to with someone even if i never heard from them again i put my number on myspace. no one has texted me. i am sad
  • there’s this deep misery in my soul. sometimes it goes numb and i feel ok. it always comes back when i’m alone. i cant talk about it because i don’t know what’s wrong. it’s going to cause me to push everyone away.
  • you are not alone.
  • when i was 8 or 9 i saw my dad choking my mom… all i did was run out of the room crying… i still feel guilty i didn’t do anything.
  • i’m going to be an aunt.
  • i know i need to lose weight. i look like a female linebacker. but i am only happy when i’m shoving food in my mouth.
  • sometimes i wonder if it’s possible to be in love with a celebrity you’ve never met. i’m not just a fangirl, i’d love him even if he wasn’t their drummer.
  • he used me for sex. i’m still going to miss him when he leaves.
  • my biggest shame in grade school was i never learned to jump rope. i’m in college and i still can’t. all the kids who made fun of me dropped out or got pregnant. they could all jump rope.
  • “if i could i would shrink myself and sink through your skin to your blood cells remove whatever makes you hurt but i am too weak to be your cure” that song will always remind me of you, dad. i forgive you. finally.
  • i just lost my job and i’m SO HAPPY!
  • my mother hoped that by me switching jobs would kill our relationship, when in fact it’s only made it stronger
  • my father died in car accident 7 years ago. i finally have proof that it was murder. and i promise that my revenge will be an accident too
  • i never get naked during sex cause i’m afraid that if they see my fat body naked they won’t want to fuck anymore.
  • i’m only 19 but everyday i make a conscious effort to be diff than my mom bc i’m so scared my future kids will grow up to hate me
  • i love my best friend, she doesn’t realize she’s harming herself. i feel bad but i told her so.
  • i’m afraid that i’ll never find someone who loves me as much as i love them.
  • i’m scared of lawn mowers
  • i love him. and i miss him. but he has done so much bad to me that after 5 months i don’t know what to do or if his not contacting me might be his way of doing good by me finally.
  • i’ve been grieving over my ex boyfriend all month but now i’m just starting to learn the lesson that if someone wants to walk out of your life… …you should let them go.
  • i am giving up on love. it screwed me over.
  • i do not know what i want to do after high school but i know i don’t want to wait too long and screw my life over like my sister did to hers
  • i’m tired of people telling me how beautiful i am. i’m afraid i’ll start to believe it.
  • my husband is going back to iraq in a few months and i don’t know if i can go another 12 months without kissing

2 comments:

han said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
han said...
This comment has been removed by the author.