24.11.08

textsecret

as thanksgiving is this week (in the u.s. at least) i want to try an experiment. a challenge, if you will. i want to introduce a theme. send me a text with the one thing you are most grateful for. tell your friends to do the same! when dealing with secrets, we spend much of our time mired in negativity, anger, hatred, doubt, and regret. i want everyone to send me a text telling me about what you are most grateful for. it’s an exercise in gratitude and positive thinking (i need it as much as anyone…), then come back next week to see how the experiment worked!

some random thoughts for this week’s blog:


  • there are much worse things that could happen in life than ending up like your parents. i understand though, as a child and a parent. and as a parent, let me say, that my worst fear for my son is that he’ll end up like me.
  • we are a collection of families, towns, cities, states, and nations of secrets. the entire world is a community of secret keepers. what would happen if we had no more secrets to keep?
  • be careful what you wish for!
  • anyone who smokes should be required to spend at least one day each month cleaning up cigarette butts off of sidewalks.
  • therapists are not all the same and going to one therapist will not yield the same results if you go see another. sometimes the chemistry is off. don’t give up on therapy just because you’ve had one bad experience; or two, or five or ten. finding the right therapist is like finding the right pair of shoes; you have to find the proper fit, otherwise you’ll get blisters and want to quit walking. don’t quit walking!
  • secrets stem from fears and fears lead to anger and anger leads to suffering. but the only person that will suffer is the secret keeper because no one else knows what is going on.
  • honestly accepting yourself and who you are is vital to happiness.
  • hell is not a destination we could end up at after death. hell is one of the many emotional states we can experience in our everyday lives, along with love, enlightenment, and anger.
  • i sometimes edit the secrets i get for content and length. i try to get to the core of the secret being told and leave some of the stories behind. i hope that is ok. i think it makes the secrets a bit more accessible.

as always, thank you for sharing your secrets with me. here are the secrets for this week:

  • i’m in love with a married man. his wife thinks i’m her best friend.
  • if he doesn’t visit me tonight i am going to pursue the other boy.
  • he told me he had a crush on my best friend. he doesn’t know how much that hurt. i still love him.
  • i’m scared to death i’ll end up alone. everyone says i’m too good for you, but the thing is, i don’t believe i am good enough for anyone.
  • i used to be a professional escort (high class prostitute). i loved it and if i wasn’t married i’d still be doing it.
  • i wish i could stop fooling myself and admit that i have no real reason to stay. what i can’t figure out is why i’m still here.
  • sept. 1, 2006 i had a baby. i am pro-choice but have personal issues with abortion. i gave him up or adoption. i told one person. no one noticed.
  • i wish something bad would happen to me so i wouldn’t have to try to get sympathy and so my life sounded more exciting. i’m too happy. i need something to vent about.
  • i wish i had died when he did.
  • i’m 24 with a great husband, great job, great friends, and a great life and i still run off and cry if i’m the ugliest girl in the room.
  • he’s 10 years older than me, just got out of prison, and isn’t even supposed to be in this state. but he worships the ground i walk on. he loves me and i love him.
  • i truly believe he won’t commit because he’s intimidated that my best friend is a boy.
  • i wish i was weak enough to come to class crying.
  • i need a lifeline from her, anything at all, but she even changed the password for the bog that she doesn’t even use.
  • that fight we all had made me closer to the two of you. i will never stop loving you guys.
  • i pisses me off when people i hate like the same obscure music i do. i feel like they’re trying to rub it in like they know a secret of mine.
  • i lost my virginity last month. i found out this weekend i got a std. i believe it when he says he didn’t know. but i hate that i was perfect until 21 and now i feel tainted and dirty.
  • i have feelings for people until they fall for me. then i run, terrified, with my tail between my legs.
  • sometimes i’m afraid that i’m only sad because it’s trendy. then i make a list of everything wrong in my life and i remember why i cry almost every night.
  • i’m scared that i’ll let myself down.
  • my best friend doesn’t hang out with me anymore because i don’t do drugs. the only time we hang out is if we’re drinking or she’s on some substance.
  • i’ve been through too much to honestly be able to say that i no longer know “right” from “wrong”.
  • i found out in may that the best and worst feeling in the world is kissing the person who broke your heart.
  • i’ve been living in nyc for 3 years. i’ve never fallen for someone more then all the times i took for granted in my hometown. i want it back.
  • my ex-bf’s gf’s mom poisoned her last week and he came 2 me 4 help. i want her better but i don’t want them together. i still love him even after all the hurt.
  • i’m a guy and porn makes me feel inadequate. doesn’t mean i can’t stop watching.
  • even if he doesn’t tell me he loves me he still makes me the happiest girl alive.
  • i hook up with so many people, even people who my friends like, because it makes me feel less ugly.
  • i don’t think i will ever be happy again.
  • to the person who felt bad for pigeons last week: i love pigeons and i’m sure someone loves you too.
  • i think i hate one of my best friends.
  • i honestly think i’m keeping them together and i think my siblings do too. i hope she leaves.
  • i’d be happy to stay in my house the rest of my life if it meant i’d be with him.
  • every time i look at my dress i think about the woman i should be marrying not the one that i am marrying.
  • i think i’m in love with x but he’s with her. they have a baby. i know he and i could be amazing together.
  • i cut not because of depression but because i’m afraid i’m slowly losing my ability to feel anything.
  • i pray for her everyday just in case there is a god that would listen and offer her some kind of divine intervention. it’d be horrible for an eating disorder and depression to take such a sweet person.
  • when i lie in bed next to her i can’t decide if i want to be her wife or kill myself. she doesn’t make me happy but i love her to much to leave.
  • i only feel strong and brave when i help other people through their own problems.
  • even after everything i still love him.
  • i can’t stop thinking about him.
  • i want to ride my bike into oncoming traffic.
  • i got myself pregnant on purpose and he forced me to get an abortion. i hate myself for being manipulated and it’s the hardest thing 2 live with and i can’t tell anyone.
  • i have no idea who i am and in an attempt to figure it out i seem to have become someone i hate. it scares me.
  • i’m not lesbian or bi but i think women are way sexier than man. naked women turn me on.
  • my husband pays for the sins of my ex.
  • i am 29 and terrified of the dark. i’m too embarrassed to let my partners sleep over at night in case they want me to turn off the lights.
  • if i had known my in-laws back then like i do now i never would have married my husband even though he is great.
  • i kick myself for not having sex with you…. i could have been a married stay at home mom now like her instead of a single mom. it saddens me deeply.
  • i am afraid i will always be number 2 in my boyfriend’s life and never be able to share number 1 with his son.
  • i am so in love with him and so miserable because of it.
  • i contemplate taking my entire bottle of sleeping pills in one dose. i don’t do it because i fight with myself everyday about when, where, and what the note would say.
  • i wish he would finally realize that he belongs with me.
  • i guess i’d be considered a prude but i’d lose my virginity to tom delonge any day.
  • i don’t know how to get over him and i don’t know if i want 2.
  • i just found out that my ex is divorced from the guy she cheated on me with and she and her crazy ass mom and her kids have been in and out of battered womens shelters because of the guy she’s w/ now. i couldn’t be happier about it. karma’s a bitch!
  • my best friend is the reason i feel so terrible about myself yet i still am so loyal to her. god, i wonder if she even cares about me.
  • i’m not joking when i say i’m going to end up alone and every time i say it i want someone to honestly tell me that i won’t but they still laugh at me.
  • why can’t you just choose me? don’t you realize how amazing it could be? stop picking all the girls who hurt you! i don’t know if i can keep waiting.
  • when he told me that i was ‘little girl and kitten’ cute it completely shattered the little self-confidence that i had. now i feel ugly all the time.
  • i lie so much that i barely know what my true feelings are about anything. it drives me insane.
  • to the person who has been wanting to kill his/herself since they were seven: don’t worry, i have been too. i can’t wait to make everyone realize i’m not lying about my need to be away from here.
  • it’s not that i hate being alive so much as i’m just tired of living.
  • i feel so disgusting when i masturbate because i’m huge.
  • my now husband cheated on me when we were in high school over thee years ago. i now have a 2 month old with him and i don’t trust him. not sure if i love him.
  • i’m tired of my happiness being a familiarity kind of content. i want to be happy. not just content.
  • some days i love him and other days i hate him. i wish he would stop loving me so i didn’t have to decide. i will spend the rest of my life with him because i will never be strong enough to break such a wonderful person.
  • i want my boyfriend’s mom to go to jail or get her kids taken away. she doesn’t deserve them.
  • my p.e. coach taught me how to catch more than just footballs.
  • i can never forgive my father for leaving me alone on christmas last year. it was the first christmas since my mother passed and he left me by myself!
  • i’ve never had a relationship because i know that i’ll be crushed. i’m not good enough.
  • i am in love with my best friend.
  • i secretly wish my boyfriend would beat me. i want him to make me miserable because that is the only way i know how to be happy.
  • every time i get into a car i hope it crashes along the way.
  • my boyfriend is moving across the country tomorrow. everyone thinks i’m so sad but mostly i’m just relieved.
  • i’m so scared i’ll never feel alive again.
  • i got pregnant to keep him around but it didn’t work. i’m now raising a special needs toddler by myself and i realized that i don’t need him.
  • sometimes i blow my nose and later wipe myself with the same tissue after using the bathroom.
  • i’m just another textsecreter who is in love with their best friend.
  • i wish i wasn’t such a whore before i met him so he could be the first one to touch me. i feel impure.
  • i’m so much fucking more than meets the eye. no one gives enough of a shit to look past my beauty.
  • i love my vibrators and benwa balls more than anyone could imagine. my toy box is full of colorful toys.
  • i know that my mother loves my sister more than me.
  • even though they dislike me i hope they both get into the school of their dreams.
  • i create all of my problems, eliminate people i love, and now i’m completely drowning in them all alone.
  • i think i’m in love with my karate instructor’s son.
  • i pretend to have ocd so then people don’t suspect that i take anti-depressants because i’m depressed.
  • i don’t know how to tell people how i really feel. it’s in my head but the words don’t come out. it makes me feel very small.
  • i don’t want to lose my virginity to angry rebound sex. i still think about telling you this but i don’t want to further complicate the matter.
  • my pastor’s wife is dying from cancer. i honestly believe god can heal her but if that’s not part of his plans i’d take all of her pain away in a second.
  • i gave my twin his first bj and he was the first to eat me out. now i'm jealous of his gf cuz i want more.
  • i’m a girl and i date girls just because i’ve been hurt so bad by guys i can’t trust them but still just want to be cared about.
  • i feel invisible through to my soul.
  • i fell in love with my best friend from high school the summer before we left for college. we went to an all girls school – how cliché. the realization of my sexuality has freed me. i stopped cutting, quit smoking, and above all i felt alive invigorated and awakened to a whole new depth of love that i have in my heart that i never knew before. 3 weeks ago she told me that she couldn’t “do this” anymore. and that she’d been sleeping with a frat brother at her school since last spring. in one terrible moment, my body and my heart went numb. i haven’t been able to feel a thing since.
  • i refuse to learn how to text and it annoys all of my friends but mostly my wife. i had someone else send this for me…
  • every time i babysit i pretend that he is mine. but then i’m afraid i’ll be a psychotic nanny like that character from one tree hill.
  • i teach ap classes and give better grades to the girls that flirt with me.
  • i laugh about them with my friends but i’m secretly flattered when random pervs message me on myspace.
  • i want to close my eyes and not open them until i feel you on top of me.
  • you are slowly destroying my life. i hate that i’m letting you. i can do better but i still can’t cut the cord because i feel like i need to save you and i’m pretty sure i’m in love with you.
  • i’m so tired of listening to my bff lie when i know the truth. part of me just wants to stop talking to him but the rest of me loves him too much.
  • i know u think i forgave u but i hate you for what uve made me become. u turned me into an insecure, trustless wreck.
  • my relationship with her is highly unorthodox and is the best i’ve ever had.
  • my estranged aunt told my family that my cousin died in a car accident over a year ago but said she would call the cops if we went to the funeral. there’s a facebook group in her memory but i still believe with all my heart she’s alive.
  • i supported your oxy habit because i liked your personality better when you’re on it. it’s unbearable to watch you withdraw but you have sucked my money dry and now i have to let you suffer. the scary part is now i’m addicted too and i don’t know how to help either of us.
  • i’m in love with someone who will never love me back. he doesn’t know how i feel about him but makes a point that we’re just friends.
  • when you said that you could always read what i was thinking from my face you put the first crack in my carefully calculated façade. it scared me.
  • i’m pretty sure that i am bi.
  • i’m a lesbian and I’m afraid that i won’t be allowed to be a successful teacher so i’m changing majors.
  • i don’t think i could ever tell my mom that my biggest fear in this world is ending up like her. it’s happening.
  • even though i’m in a great relationship i love making up online aliases and masturbating with strangers. sometimes i’m on webcam too!
  • i love him still after he cheated on me with my best friend and got her pregnant. everyday i wonder about what could’ve been if i hadn’t miscarried and told him i was pregnant.
  • just because i like to smile and laugh ppl think i’m dumb. i’m actually in the top 15% in my class, all honors, and it pisses me off when they say that.
  • the first time someone told me they loved me i was talking to someone online. i’m scared to let myself have feelings for them cuz i know i will be judged.
  • i read other people’s secrets and it makes me feel a little better that i’m not the only person who feels like this.
  • i receive texts everyday, telling me the secrets of strangers but i hold on to mine as if my life depended on it. i truly think i would cease to exist if i let go of my secrets.

4 comments:

asmytearsfall13 said...

my secret: as soon as i'm eighteen and graduated, i'm walking away. from everything. she's the only family i have left, and all she's doing is killing me. i'm done wanting to die for her faults. this is my life. i'm ready to be happy.

optimissist said...

my secret is: i desperately want to share my secrets with someone. but especially after a conversation i had with a group of people listening to them call suicidal people selfish, i really don't know who to turn to.

Pinkstar1828 said...

"sept. 1, 2006 i had a baby. i am pro-choice but have personal issues with abortion. i gave him up or adoption. i told one person. no one noticed."

I always thought i was the only one. October 21, 2003 i had a baby boy and gave him up for adoption. Noone knew. I wish i had someone to talk to about it that understood...

Anonymous said...

chibi, don't tweak the secrets