19.1.09

textsecret

several secrets over the past few weeks have made me think of this song…

is it wrong not to always be glad?
no, it’s not wrong but i must add
how can someone so young
sing words so sad?
sheila take, sheila take a bow
boot the grime of this world in the crotch dear
and don’t go home tonight
come out and find the one that you love and who loves you

(sheila take a bow – the smiths)

i know it probably isn’t my place to determine what is a secret and what isn’t but i am doing it anyway. i get nearly a hundred new secrets each week and i post nearly all of them but an incredibly small percentage get omitted because i just do not recognize them as secrets. i’m not going to make a list of requirements, a faq of secrets, or keywords i look for to determine what is in and what is not. i don’t want people to edit what they send to me, or try to format their texts just to get posted. i want you all to feel free to send in whatever it is that you want to say. sometimes what is sent in just isn’t a secret though. like i said, it is an incredibly small percentage each week. this may upset, offend, and/or anger some of you. I’m sorry if that is the case. i mention this because i want you all to have full disclosure and as complete an understanding of what i do as possible.

so, last week i had received a secret twice. twice! the person was concerned they hadn’t sent it to the right phone number, which is why they sent it twice. even with it in my phone two times i still somehow failed to include it in the original post of secrets so i had to include an addendum. i’ve included the secret again this week just to make up for it not being there in the first place. i do apologize, i will try not to let it happen again. as always, thank you for sharing.

here are this week’s secrets:

  • i read so many secrets last year about how people's sole goal for 2008 was to not live to see 2009. i hope they are all still alive and i want them all to know that i love them even if it seems like no one else does. i love them and i will always love them.
  • my mother blames it on me when it is her fault but of course i could never tell her that because it hurt her more than it hurts me.
  • he knows that i’m in love with him but we haven’t spoken to each other about it. a majority of time i think it’s because he doesn’t want to break my heart but there’s still a part of me that thinks it’s because he may feel the same way and that he’s scared. i hope it’s because he’s scared.
  • sharing my secrets on here is more helpful and satisfying than any therapy session or pill taken. thank you!
  • my family is racist. they hate gays. i’m bi. i want to adopt a child from another country. maybe i’ll change them.
  • i really hope you come to my party even if the only reason you come is for the weed.
  • my dad is in the marines and is a real mean drunk. the other day i caught my mom having sex with my best friend. now i’m making them both give me bjs on demand so i won’t tell my dad what i caught them doing.
  • the only things stopping me from killing myself is i want to do more drugs and i want to see what will happen with us.
  • growing up i’ve hated my mother so much i’ve wanted her dead for leaving me alone. now i don’t know what i’d do without her.
  • i’m such a loser but i pretend to have life figured out. people think i’m great but they don’t know the lies i tell. i’m bad with money and i’ve had three abortions.
  • someone sent me a secret that they are a virgin. i wanted to tell them to stay one as long as they can because sex ruins everything.
  • i wish so deeply everyday that something horrible or tragic will happen to him or i so i have a good enough excuse to talk to him and for him to love me again.
  • why can’t he just tell me already? i feel so alone.
  • i think i’m in an abusive relationship but i’m not sure. i love him too much to leave but i’m getting so scared. not for my life but for the realization of this.
  • i’m doing adderall just because i want to lose weight. i’m drinking four shots of vodka every day so i can keep going.
  • if he doesn’t marry me on march 15th then maybe it’s a sign that he never will then i will have to move on and forget the last three and a half years ever happened.
  • we say that we think of each other like brother and sister but i’m not sure how honest we’re being with ourselves.
  • i just found out that i had a miscarriage. i’m only 16 but i’m really distraught by it and i blame myself. i feel so horrible.
  • i have a boyfriend but i can’t help fantasizing about doing sexual things with other guys. i feel really bad about it but i can’t stop.
  • i love him and took him back but i’m afraid that when i go back to school i’ll want to be single and party pointlessly again.
  • after an hour or so of getting ready i still don’t feel pretty. it terrifies me that i will never be good enough.
  • a kid on my school bus told me she is pregnant today. i smiled to her face but when my bus was empty i cried for her. she brought me back 13 years.
  • i’ve been neglected, molested, and screamed at all my life. now i’m just neglected. how do i compete with a machine?
  • i’m only alive because i can’t find an effective way to kill myself.
  • i’m so in love with you but i’m scared to tell you because you might either not believe me or laugh in my face rather than say you feel the same about me.
  • when i gave my daddy a hug on christmas morning because he gave me car for my present i felt his hard on through his pants. it excited me more than the car.
  • i was an accident. i feel like if i had never been born then perhaps everyone else’s lives would be easier too but i know if i kill myself that will make it worse.
  • i have a crush on my straight male friend.
  • i want just him. i don’t want to be a whore. i want to stick with one person. he wants to wait a little bit. i hope it’s worth it.
  • when i watch shows on the holocaust and hear the sirens my body cringes and i become scared and i just can’t shake the feeling.
  • i give a blowjob to the man i babysit for whenever his wife lets him drive me home.
  • after 6 months of recovering I haven’t felt like myself. i’m slowly slipping back into anorexia and it feels like coming home.
  • the worst thing about finding out that the guy i fell hardest for used me and wasn’t over his ex is that i have to go to school and make people think i’m happy.
  • he and i are so similar that it scares both of us too much to act on the similarities. i’ve never known anyone like him and i know he knows no one like me either.
  • i must keep it together. i have to keep it together. i gotta keep it together. i don’t want to keep it together anymore.
  • i wish he would propose already. i know we’re young and i know i’m hard to put up with but i would change everything if he asked me to marry him.
  • my life goal is to become a pirate.
  • i’m afraid i moved in with him just to get away from where i was.
  • sometimes these kids make me doubt myself as a teacher.
  • i no longer care about you but i still get excited when you look sad because you are seeing how happy i am with him. i was never this happy with you.
  • my dad’s room is right above mine and i masturbate when i hear his bed squeaking because he’s playing with himself. i want him to be my first.
  • all of my friends are lovesick and i don’t really mind i just kinda miss the way things were when boys still had cooties.
  • “[he] could be a friend in my eyes but [he] looks good today and [he] is so alive”. exactly what i think every fucking time i see him.
  • i feel more connected to the strangers i share secrets with than i do with my friends or family.
  • he’d be pissed if he could see me when i lift my shirt, suck in my gut, hold my breath and smile at my ribs while i whisper “beautiful” with the air i have left.
  • my friends, not my family, are what keep me from killing myself because i know i would be devastated if it was one of them that did it.
  • i would honestly rather break my arm than write papers for class.
  • i order most of my shirts from threadless and the designs are so cute and witty that i’m offended when i wear one and nobody compliments me on them.
  • some nights i don’t want to fall asleep in fear that he’ll call and i’ll miss my chance to hear his voice. this is so stupid because he hasn’t called in weeks.
  • my best friend broke up with her boyfriend and already has 4 other guys waiting to date her. i have never had a boyfriend, been kissed, or even had someone like me i'm just the loud, obnoxious girl who is okay with being single, even though i'm really not
  • i’m falling in love with a girl i’ve never met and it’s even harder because she’s a 41 year old professional and her family refuses to accept that she’s a lesbian.
  • i'm afraid i'll never be the same.
  • my brother and i slept in the same room until my mom caught us fooling around last month. i’m so lonely in bed now.
  • no one believes that i'm still a virgin; i'm 33.
  • every time i see a secret that has to do with 'twilight', i think i die a little on the inside. stupid books.
  • i'm a boy, and that didn't stop my stepfather from molesting me.
  • my "friend" isn't aware that in order for me to finally be happy, i need to get rid of her and stop trying to be a friend to her. she's done nothing for me and it's time for me to live happily without her. i couldn't be happier.
  • two more years until i can move out and forget everything and everyone.
  • i had sex just to say i had sex. i regret it no matter what i tell everyone else.
  • there’s a new kid at school and he looks exactly like a guy i met online. i was so excited that maybe there was a guy that wouldn’t be so disgusted by me.
  • my girlfriend is in love with me but i’m in love with my best friend. i’m only with my girlfriend because my best friend won’t have me. it’s not going to last.
  • for five dollars i let guys touch my tits on the school bus. for ten they can see them.
  • he talks about marriage sometimes but always tries to make it sound like he’s joking. the idea terrifies me but i can’t imagine loving anyone else.
  • he’s my best friend and i love him but he’s becoming indifferent to me again. i just want someone to care that i’m self-destructing.
  • my grades have slipped but i love smoking weed too much to stop. if he asked me i would though. that’s how much i love him.
  • i’m scared to death that my son will grow up to hate me like i hate my parents and my father hates his
  • i had a dream that my marine boyfriend snuck into my room to sleep next to me and in the morning gave me 20 plane tickets to see him. i wish it were true.
  • i met a guy through texts about three weeks ago. he claims to be in love with me. he’s emotionally unstable. i’m too nice to tell him to leave me alone.
  • my fiancé dumped me. i thought everything was over. now i’m dating my best friend from before her. everything is amazing but i feel guilty that i was able to move on so quickly.
  • my mom thinks i’m working for her best friend on the weekends but really she’s just paying me to have sex with her.
  • i’m hanging out with my friends but all i can think about is how i’m going to go home and cut.
  • i was two months pregnant but i had a miscarriage. i feel so guilty. i think it was my fault.
  • i sent in a secret a month ago and forgot it. now i can’t help reading through them and wondering which is mine. it’s liberating not being able to find it.
  • ever since you left i’ve had a missing piece that i can’t fill.
  • i wonder if my parents realize just how much i lie to them.
  • i hate my best friend.
  • the butch i was falling for is still in love with her ex. it hurt me more than i thought when she jumped ship but thankfully she was honest. i wish i was more like her.
  • i will never forget the night when my dad drove drunk with my five year old brother and my mom and i had to drive around different cities to find him. it scarred me forever and made me hate alcohol. it's incidents like these why i will never drink. i'm sticking to apple cider on my wedding day.
  • it’ll be our one year anniversary in april. he’s my first true boyfriend and i love him with all of my heart. i wish we could stay together forever but i’m afraid fairytales like that don’t happen anymore.
  • he just stopped talking to me one day. i’ve thought about him everyday, though less over time. i just wonder if he thinks about me.
  • when my mom gets mad at me i get scared that she will put me back up for adoption.
  • i got drunk at a party and had sex, for the first time, with two different guys. that week i was worried i got pregnant or had hpv. i think i have the later.
  • thanks to you i know about postsecret. too bad i only want to hang out when i’m drunk. you are a good person. i am not. i wish the best for you.
  • i wish i had cancer instead of you. you’re too young and you have a life going for you.
  • you are the only one i don’t try to push away.
  • two days ago i packed my bags and headed to a hotel to get away from my parents and the constant negativity and arguing. i drove out of town only to cave and come back home. only one person knew i was leaving and she said "let me call you right back." sad thing is still no one else knows and no one even bothered to call me and ask how i was for those several hours. i think this reaffirms that if i went missing or something happened no one would notice except for the fact of not having me around to do things for them.
  • i tell guys my best friend is a slut so they won’t fuck her but i do it to she doesn’t get hurt or pregnant.
  • i still really want to be a model.
  • i’ve thought about faking my funeral to see if anyone cares enough to show up.
  • i wish my best friend would at least pretend like he cared because it kills me that he doesn’t seem to care about me like i do him.
  • it’s my own fault that he doesn’t want me back. i wish i could take him back but i keep telling myself that he abused me in multiple ways. i love him though. i always will.
  • i have commitment issues. i love my boyfriend more than anything but i don’t feel like he loves me. maybe i’m not good enough for him either.
  • why can’t he just realize that he deserves to be with me? it hurts when he tells me he doesn’t.
  • i’m thinking about killing myself now that it’s over. not over really but because it’s proven to me that every person in my life has torn me apart.
  • i love sports and video games but wear make-up and high heels. why can’t i find a guy who can deal with that?

20 comments:

Anonymous said...

As the girl who sent in the secret about the 41 y/o professional lesbian... Seeing that in writing made me realize that I'm so thankful my family accepts me for who I am, and I don't have to change to be around them. I'm thankful that I can bring my girlfriends home on family visits and vacations (unlike her), and that I don't have to leave my girlfriends behind every time I go to visit them for a week or two every three months. Knowing everything I know now, I'm glad we both decided to call it a day and move on to something more along the lines of what both of us wanted. I'm just sorry that I was falling for her as deeply as I did. It hurt so much saying "goodbye" to an "us", but I'm thankful we can still remain friends...

Anonymous said...

i find it odd that nobody ever comments on the secrets about girls with their brothers or dads or boys with their moms. i mean, eww

Anonymous said...

i don't see one of my secrets. it was a legit secret. i'm sad now.

Anonymous said...

i saw my secret!
he's coming to my party, i'm sure it's only for weed

Anonymous said...

"i met a guy through texts about three weeks ago. he claims to be in love with me. he’s emotionally unstable. i’m too nice to tell him to leave me alone."

I'm in the same situation... but I've only 'known' him for 4 days. Please comment when... if... you ever find out how to tell him.

Anonymous said...

i have been waiting for someone to come along and help me get over my ex of 7 months, someone to sweepmeoffmmy feet and make me realise that i can love someone else/stop loving >him<. now an old crush and i are supposed to be getting together, i realise i dont want anyone but >him<.

Anonymous said...

It makes me physically sick when I read the incest secrets.
There- I said it.

Anonymous said...

"i’m thinking about killing myself now that it’s over. not over really but because it’s proven to me that every person in my life has torn me apart."
i feel the same way, almost everyone i've ever cared about has messed me up in some way, i hate how no one cares enough to stay with me. =[

Anonymous said...

"my family is racist. they hate gays. i’m bi. i want to adopt a child from another country. maybe i’ll change them."

I'm also bi. My family has known for a few years and mostly ignores the issue. Sometimes it'll come up and every one will tell or show me how displeased they are. "It's a choice," they tell me. I tell them it isn't, because it's true. As much as I want them to change, I know they won't. It doesn't matter what I plan to do. They'll I'll dislike that part of who I am. All I can do is walk away with a smile, knowing that I'm not the only one dealing with this. I'm not alone... somebody out there accepts me for who I am, not who they want me to be.

Hear Me said...

"i love sports and video games but wear make-up and high heels. why can’t i find a guy who can deal with that?"

They're a rare find, but they're out there. I'm kinda tomboyish myself, but I'm getting married soon to somebody who doesn't mind that I don't own a pair of heals and only wear make-up for special occasions. I found him when I wasn't looking...

Anonymous said...

I am sort of attracted to my best friend...but he is gay, and I'm a straight girl.

Sometimes I wonder if it would be possible for us to be in a relationship...just without the sexual aspects. Because...personality wise...we're a solid match.

Anonymous said...

my girlfriend is in love with me but i’m in love with my best friend. i’m only with my girlfriend because my best friend won’t have me. it’s not going to last.


i believe my boyfriend sent this is.he would leave me for her in a second if she gave him the chance

Anonymous said...

"i’m thinking about killing myself now that it’s over. not over really but because it’s proven to me that every person in my life has torn me apart."

this is my secret. i sent it in.
to the person who said they identified with it: you made me cry. to know that there is someone out there who understands is both heartbreaking and comforting.

please stay strong. i'm trying to.

Anonymous said...

i like reading the incest secrets. incest doesn't always have to be a bad thing!

Anonymous said...

I would like to hear your point of view on that-

"incest doesn't always have to be a bad thing"

I'm not quite sure how it could be anything but bad. But i would like to hear your reasoning.

Anonymous said...

I'm not sure that it's fair to pass judgment about incest.
Sometimes...those thoughts just happen.
It's obvious that so many people are suicidal and feel totally alone. To alienate someone because they have thoughts and desires about incest is pretty cruel, I think.

A. said...

It's going to turn out okay, guys. I promise. I'm a walking example of it. If you need to talk, I'm here.

Johnny said...

"i met a guy through texts about three weeks ago. he claims to be in love with me. he’s emotionally unstable. i’m too nice to tell him to leave me alone."

I wonder if your talking about me...

Sunshine said...

I met a guy through textsecret,
and I'm afriad he doesn't like me as much as I like him.
:/

Anonymous said...

For the girl that left he secret, "I love to play sports... and video games.... yet dress in heels and wear make-up..." Its not up to us to find the right guy, the right guy will find us because we are the type that are truely real and down to earth they just can't see it right now. Continue being yourself because being who you really are makes you that much more attractive!