5.1.09

i'm a trusting person. at least, i'd like to think that i am. i want to believe in an inherently good and honest nature for people. i want to believe in the benefit of the doubt. i want to think people aren't lying to me just for the sake of lying.

nobody asks to be lied to. i certainly don't. and as part of this project, i trust that when people are sending me texts they are honestly sending me secrets and not just making things up because they are bored.

i got a text recently admitting to just such a thing. the person admitted to sending in up to three or four texts per week and that they were all lies. she said she was bored and wanted something to do so she sent me texts under the guise of them being secrets. this cut me to my core. this shattered my entire illusion that what i was doing was allowing people to get secrets off of their chests, or that i was somehow helping someone get a grasp on the enormity of their feelings because of whatever secret they were hiding.

[i immediately saved the number to my phone in order to identify any more "secrets" she might send in. she sent more. i never posted them.]

in sharing this, i'm not looking for validation, sympathy, solidarity, or anything really. i'd still like to believe i am doing something good. something right. something helpful. i will continue to do this and post secrets as long as they continue to come to me. i guess i'm a bit sad about it though because now i can't help but look at each secret with a cynical eye or with a healthy dose of suspicion. i'm sorry about that. i just can't read them the way i used to. i cannot outright distrust any of you or what you are sharing (i still truly want to believe in the honesty and integrity of the project) but it is telling what one bad apple can do and how easily a bubble can be burst....

as always, thank you all for sharing. here are this week's secrets:

  • every time i do something that reminds me of my dad i want to cut myself as a reminder not to ever do it again.
  • i want him to get over his shyness. he likes me and i like him and i hate that i’m such an outgoing person and he’s afraid to show it.
  • i’m lez
  • everyone thinks i lied to him. truth is he’s the only person i’ve been completely honest to.
  • i waited too long and now she’s taking you from me. you couldn’t possibly understand how heartbreaking it is but it’s my fault.
  • i bailed out on my sisters and some friends tonight (new year’s eve) because i didn’t want to be the only one who had no one to kiss at midnight.
  • i almost feel beautiful when i’m practicing kendo. it is also when i feel the most inadequate and ugly.
  • i wish we could go back to that day in august. i wish you would talk to me. i wish we could have a second chance. i wish you would be the person you’re afraid to be.
  • i’m wondering why i’m even planning on starting the new year when i don’t think i’m going to live until the end of it.
  • i’m worried i’ll never get a boyfriend because every new friend i’ve made in the past year is gay and i’m not.
  • i’m in love with my best friend. she loves me but i don’t know how to tell her.
  • someone once told me, “there is something more to you, and you just have to let people in to let them see it. i’m not sure what it is but i love it” and it bothered me.
  • i love my boyfriend and have never been happier with anyone else but his kid is a manipulative little monster with a nasty temper and attitude and i don’t know how much longer he will be enough to keep me there dealing with her.
  • sometimes i ruin my life just to see if i can fix it.
  • i am so bitter.
  • i wish i had more friends so i could afford to rent a house and take my pets and me away from the bullshit of my family.
  • i just lost my virginity to a boy and the entire time i thought of my ex-girlfriend that i’m still in love with.
  • when i move i hope we can build some sort of a relationship. i really hope you’re still alive and i hope you want it as bad as i do.
  • i’m more excited when you text me than when my boyfriend does. i’m scared. please don’t make me fall for you.
  • i regret putting him up for adoption.
  • i recently cut off a dear friend. her judging me more for being kinky than when i dated another woman was the final straw. i’m officially out of the kink closet!
  • i honestly think i would give up just about anything to have someone i could call my own. just someone to love.
  • while i sat at her funeral today i planned my own suicide down to the minute. i watched her family crying and friends mourning and i realized this isn’t about me and my selfishness it’s about loving her and praising her life despite its length. by the end of the evening i stopped thinking about the glorious ways to poison myself and started living the way she did, full of compassion and love. if i don’t live for me she is my only reason.
  • my teacher asked me what i wanted in life in front of 30 peers. i wanted to say that i want every single person in this world to know someone loves them. i told him money instead.
  • i texted the boy i like. i told him i like him. i thought i would regret it but in fact i’m glad i did it and it made me feel good.
  • i’m still in love with my ex and it’s been over three years. he was my first boyfriend. the first person i told about the cutting. the first person to ever care.
  • i’m scared of failing my senior year because no one in my family has ever made it this far. the sad thing is, not only am i handicapped but i have many other obstacles i have to overcome.
  • i’m afraid that i’m going to die alone and that no one will love me. what’s wrong with me?
  • every day i wonder why i’m such a failure and why i’m alive. then i think of my niece but i’m not sure if i’ll make it past the age of 18. i just turned 17.
  • tonight i’ve realized i don’t want death i just want the pain to stop permanently. it won’t. time to make a decision.
  • i’m so afraid of failing that i’ve already given up on my future. also, i think i was molested as a kid but i don’t remember.
  • i give up. suicide is worth it.
  • i hope you get caught. i really do. and since you won’t on your own i might tell her. she has a right to know. merry christmas you imbecile.
  • the only way me and my dad bond is when we’re getting high, otherwise we’re fighting.
  • i’m afraid i have too much love in my heart for this world.
  • i like tentacle porn.
  • i have no idea what to do. i’m just so confused and hurt that it makes me sick to my stomach. i wish i could just know the truth.
  • i go to the same college my grandma went to. i wish she had left me a journal or something so i could know what it was like when she was here. the only thing i know is that she hated it.
  • i really want to be bi but i think my parents would disown me and i would get kicked out of my church.
  • they tell me i’m the strongest person they know. at 15 i’ve been through it all. they don’t know i have to sleep with a night light in fear he will kill me.
  • my new year’s resolution is to date boys who i’m really interested in for a change.
  • even though i gave up on caring about relationships, love, and everything else, i still cry at night because i know i will never have any of it.
  • i think guys don’t like me because i’m fat. i’d do anything to be skinny and confident.
  • i hate when you don’t talk to me but i ache when you do.
  • you were one of my best friends. we’ve grown apart now and i’m not taking the blame. i think you’re annoying and stuck up now and you’re the one that wanted to forget about me. now you’re such good friends with her that when i try to make an effort to talk to you i feel like you’re being fake or just don’t care.
  • it’s been seven months and i still hurt because of you every damned day. i try not to care but i do. put half a country between us or half a room and i still feel the same. someone make it stop.
  • i’m the one everyone goes to with a problem but for once i wish they would see beyond my happy upbeat personality and realize i need someone to listen to my problems too.
  • he broke my heart twice, even after all that i still pray for his safety before mine. i know he doesn't care about me anymore but i still care for him.
  • gordon ramsey is hot!
  • i always have some fantasy going on in my head. it makes reality a little bit more bearable.
  • i'm incredibly in love with my ex and would literally lay my life on the line for her. i would drop everything to be with her at any given moment, all i need is to hear her say she needs me. i just don't know how to tell her.
  • i'm really sad because frank took a 'break' from posting secrets on the last sunday i'll ever be on this earth. it's the only thing i'll miss.
  • i think my little sister is having sex for money.
  • i’m not a lesbian or even bi but i’d give just about anything to fool around with my best friend. i think it’d be fun.
  • everyday i get up and fight myself for my own life.
  • even though i’m on my period i’m still terribly afraid that i’m pregnant.
  • i wanted to tell you yes. yes i am. but this is wrong and i’m sorry. i can’t break his heart. i can’t break your’s. so i’ll just let mine shatter quietly.
  • i don’t care if it seems like we’re moving really fast. i’ve never felt so confident of anything in my life. you’re amazing.
  • my husband is at war yet i don’t worry about him as much as i think i should. does this make me a bad person?
  • my fiance left me tonight and i want to take as many pills as i can to make the pain go away.
  • this year, things need to change because i don’t know how much longer i can go on if they don’t.
  • my bf is in the military. i cheated on him tonight after he wouldn’t tell a stranger he was taken.
  • i miss you. whenever something funny happens or i’m feeling alone i think about calling you. i never do.
  • i love him and everyone says we are meant for each other but i think i’m still in love with my ex, too.
  • i talk to him everyday because i’m afraid that he’s actually thinking of suicide.
  • i love my husband more when i’m sleeping with my mister behind his back.
  • i miss you. i want you to be ok.
  • i made him suicidal. oh god, please forgive me. it’s my fault if he dies. please take care of him. don’t turn him away. he has such a beautiful soul.
  • i think i’m in love with my friend. all i want is for him to be happy. it breaks my heart whenever he is sad and i do everything i can to pick him back up again. i’ll tell him… …someday.
  • i’ll be praying for you.
  • i told him i don’t want to have sex until i’m married but that’s a lie. i just want to wait until the time feels right.
  • i want to take my anorexia to the next stage but every time i try i feel like a failure because nothing comes up.
  • i don’t know if i want to get better because i think i will hate the better me as much as i hate the depressed me.
  • i love college and i’m excited to teach soon but i’d give it all up to be a mommy. i can’t wait. i don’t care if there’s a ring or a husband.
  • i’m waiting for our cycle to start again.
  • i want to be able to say something to make you smile, cheer you up, give you hope, but i don’t know what you need to hear. i’m sorry.
  • the only reason i watch "the fairly odd parents", is so that i can dream about what i would wish for if fairy god parents were real.
  • the more you told me you loved me, the more i fucking hated you. thanks for nothing.
  • he loves me! i know! i tell him about my boyfriends. i want him to hate me! it would be easier then disappointing him and never meeting up to his expectations as a lover! you see: i love him too, and i can never be what he wants me to be!
  • whenever i go to a concert i always expect something special to happen and when it doesn’t i don’t like the band as much afterwards. i feel shallow for that.
  • he broke my heart and i forgave him. now he wants it back and i’m afraid i don’t have the power to say no.
  • i need to make money and i feel like the only way i can make that money is to sell myself.
  • worst idea ever: leaving my fiance for my best friend.
  • him loving me is not the threat to the future of your relationship. him not loving you is though.
  • i’m happy he is gone.
  • my new year’s resolution is to stop being so insecure. i won’t ruin the best relationship i’ve ever had because of my lack of confidence.
  • i’m still in love with him but he’s engaged to the girl he cheated on me with.
  • i can’t look my dad in the eyes after he caught me in the shower with my boyfriend seven months ago.
  • i’m as close to suicidal as i’ve ever been.
  • i have unprotected sex with multiple men. if they ask me if i’m fucking someone else i tell them the truth but if they ask about protection i lie so they’ll keep fucking me without a condom. it also seems to make them feel special that i’d be willing to do that for them. i’m an rn and i know better but i don’t care.
  • i’m in love with my best friend but he’s gay and will never love me as more than a friend because i am a woman.
  • everyone thinks i’m a goody good because i won’t smoke weed. the only reason i don’t is because i don’t want to be like my parents and ruin my child’s life to get high.
  • i want to be a surrogate mom for my friend but i’m afraid it’s only because i want to sleep with her husband

19 comments:

Anonymous said...

I just saw my secret.
I still love her.
And there's a chance I'm pregnant.
I hurt her...

Anonymous said...

i don’t care if it seems like we’re moving really fast. i’ve never felt so confident of anything in my life. you’re amazing.

i really hope this is you, sweetheart.

Bryanna said...

Aww, it sucks that people lie. I always read certain secrets (not just on here, but on other secret sites and whatnot) and I question a few secrets that seem totally out there. Like there's this one PostSecret which a bunch of celebrity's faces on it, and it says "One of these men is the father. He pays me a lot to keep it a secret!" I seriously don't believe that one. I wish people wouldn't send in lies, even if they think it'll entertain others. It just makes us less truthworthy of what we're reading.

Anonymous said...

my secret is there and is true!

Sarah said...

:) it really brightens my heart to know that you took time out of your busy day to type my secret up.. thank you for your hard work, and i'm sorry that people take time out of -their- days to write up lies to you, thus wasting -your- time as you post them. you are appreciated.

Anonymous said...

I love her but i can't tell my parents becuz I'm a woman who's married with 2 kids...

Anonymous said...

I appreciate you doing this.
I enjoy being able to get secrets off my chest, and read a little bit into the lives of others.

What you do is appreciated.
Thank you.

Anonymous said...

I came to look at my secret, and saw some that I want to send to him. Thank you.

Anonymous said...

I've stopped trying to guess which one belongs to you. I like to pick my own and pretend they're for me.

I look forward to Mondays just as much as Sundays now... don't be discouraged.

Anonymous said...

Don't get too down about the person who sent texts she lied about. In reality her secret is "I secretly think I am too boring and not interesting enough for other people".

Anonymous said...

this and postsecret keep me going, when i can relate to people with the same problems as me and when i can see that i havnt got it half as bad as others. i hope everyone gets through these things.

sarah said...

you posted my secret today. since then, ive sent you 4 more today alone. its relieving. i hope people can relate and know they arent alone.

rivalee sunshine said...

mine's true...

Anonymous said...

a secret...(a real one)

He stopped talking to me new years day after I stayed with him while they stitched his bloody face from 2 a.m. til 6 a.m., got him home safe where he begged me to make love to him not sex (like before)which I did, told me he loved me all morning, I picked up his medicine, made him food, he picked it up from me, kissed me before he drove away...and I haven't heard from him since....because I'm not the porn star he hoped I'd be if he told me he loved me and he blames me for his broken face.

Anonymous said...

I'm pregnant and keeping it.

Anonymous said...

I read these every Monday, and it never leaves my surprised that it's like I wrote more than one of them myself.

I wish that I knew each and everyone of these people personally. That way I could tell them that everything will be okay; but even if it won't, I'll be there for them every step of the way.

When I get my cell phone back, I'll actually start posting my secrets.

punkdeb said...

to the person that wants to destroy their life just to see...you can. but it's more effort than you could ever imagine.

Anonymous said...

I always look forward to Sundays & Mondays thanks to you and PostSecret. It gives my life some sort of meaning and I always see my secrets in there, although I haven't sent in any, it makes me feel less alone in this world.

Anonymous said...

You posted my secret today. What a release. Thank you. xoxo