the end

this blog is done.

thank you...

textsecret

• i hit my boyfriend this weekend. i am so ashamed.
• don’t give up yet. i’m praying for you even if we’ve never met.
• i’m afraid i won’t get to be the girl i want to be in college because of my face. / for once in my life i want to feel like a pretty girl rather than some big ugly monster. i’ve never felt that way about myself.
• in the past i convinced myself not to commit suicide since college would be better than high school was. i’m so terrified that i’ll be wrong.
• it hurts how unimportant i am to my family. i don’t understand how i am so unimportant to myself. / i feel so betrayed by my family. unsurprisingly, mostly from my mother.
• last week’s secret about a sister hoping her brother will go to the same school got me so hot. i just bought a new sexy bikini to celebrate my brother coming home from his first year away at college. i can’t wait to get alone with him again!
• you said you’d give me anything i wanted as long as i didn’t fall in love with you. i don’t think i’m holding up my end of the bargain.
• i’m having trouble understanding how a person can be completely in love with someone they don’t know; even though i’m one of them.
• i wonder if i love him but the days i go to sleep without him are the worst. his snores soothe me better than any teddy bear ever could.
• it’s much easier to eat normally then throw up than to not eat at all. it saves an explanation to my friends and family that I’m not ready to give.
• it makes me sad that you won’t let him see his daughter because me and him are engaged. to bad he is going for visitation this month and she will be around me.
• i wear my tennis skirt to social studies because my teacher is hot and i want him to see i’m not wearing panties. i am so wet by the end of class i have to run to the bathroom to relieve myself.
• three years ago today i got my first kiss.
• i’m afraid he means everything he says right now but that he’ll change his mind and abandon me like garbage. / i’d rather not have kids and wonder what it’s like than have one child and find out i’m not a good mother.
• i made a promise to myself: if he talks to me tomorrow i will ask him to make love to me.
• when someone came to the conclusion that my significant other gave me my black eye i didn’t tell them otherwise because i liked the attention.
• we said we’d behave after your new boyfriend said no to girl-on-girl action. i think you’ve been avoiding me because you know we won’t. i plan to steal you back.
• i want to die. i don’t want to talk. i just don’t give a fuck. i really just don’t want to be here and i ain’t wasting time calling a hotline.

textsecret

• i lie a lot to people. it makes them feel sympathy for me. i want attention.
• how do you sleep at night knowing you’re the reason i am totally fucked in the head? all of my messed up relationships have been due to ‘daddy issues’.
• i am in love with a married man. not only that, but he has 3 kids and is also my boss. i’m pulling for the divorce to go through.
• i’ve never been this lonely around people. they’re mad at me and won’t talk. i want to move down to be closer to my girlfriend but i think she thinks it’s too soon.
• my little brother is graduating in june and i want him to go to the same college i’m going to so i can fuck him whenever i want instead of having to wait for semester breaks.
• i keep my razor in the back of my calculator so i can bring it to school. i hate math.
• i read the texts you receive and my heart breaks at all the sorrow and anger. i wish i could take all of the pain in the world away from everyone.
• the first time my parents told me they loved me, at 17, was also the day i decided to stop drinking and doing drugs.
• i am a sister first, a daughter second, and everything else after that, and as soon as i go to college it’s over. i want to be a real person for once in my life.
• i don’t understand why you’re with me. sometimes i feel like you love me because you think i’m the only person who will love you back. it hurts. / i don’t like who i am.
• i heard that urban legend about the girl getting caught letting her dog lick peanut butter from her area. i got really curious so i tried it and oh my god it was the best orgasm i’ve ever had!
• i’m doing better. but sometimes you pop into my head and i start missing you.
• you left me two days after my birthday for some fucking deadbeat loser who you’re probably fucking as i write this and still i want you back. as stupid as that sounds, i love you so much and wish you would open your eyes and see what you have here.
• i sit in class wondering if any of the boys around me could ever love me. they never do.
• i recently asked out the girl that i liked despite the distance between us. even though she hasn’t lied to me i’m afraid this is all a huge joke to her.
• i don’t care if i don’t know you. i love you. please find me. i’m waiting.

textsecret

• i hate living at home. i wish i could leave but i know i can’t because i’m too rooted. hurry up and come get me. i’m losing it.
• i am terrified one day i will wake up and everything i have worked so hard for will be gone. that i will become nothing and be worth nothing without anything to define me
• when i bag kids bags, i always sneak a second toy, into every other bag. so hopefully it makes the kids day. / i did my hair all kinds of cute tonight for you.
• i’m sorry i can’t be perfect. i wish i was a better daughter, person, friend.
• my horrible communication skills always get the best of me. i can rarely express how i feel without tears or yelling. / at this point i think i need drug and alcohol counseling. life just doesn’t feel right sober anymore.
• today i can say i’m finally ok. all it took was a failed suicide attempt to make me realize it’s not my time to go.
• half of the people i’ve slept with i work with.
• i hate myself. i feel like every time i bring my best friend around a guy i like they want her and forget about me. the one time i had a week with him she spent it with us and he left me the next day. i’m so hurt. i hate myself and i don’t know what to do. i’m to the point of suicide and i’ve been putting it off for so long. i don’t know what’s wrong with me. i feel like i’m disgusting. he cheated on me with a butch and now wants her. and what hurts the most is i blame her for this. i just want to die. there’s no point in breathing anymore. someone please kill me. i don’t know if i can do it myself.
• i’ve decided that if i’m not happy by the end of this year, i’m going to kill myself. i’m so tired of being an angry person who can never have any fun.
• they let me out of the mental hospital because i told them i don’t want to kill myself. i lied.
• i feel like dying today.
• i had sex with my brother’s best friend while his sister gave my brother a bj in the corner. i came so hard knowing my brother was watching me!

textsecret

• i want what is not good for me. i plan to make sure i never get it and i’m proud of myself for staying strong. still, i wish there was another way to do this.
• i’ve always told myself i’d never cheat on him but i ended up doing it anyway.
• i really want to have sex but i want it to mean something like before. i miss the way you touched me. it’s like you just knew what i wanted and when. / i think i may have feelings for my best guy friend. i’m not sure if it is necessarily a dating type feeling but more like i just really want to get some, and he’d work.
• i did x once. i thought about it everyday. i did it twice and now i’m addicted. / i’m in love with my best friend but he loves his girlfriend. we fell in love at different times. there is a reason for everything but what’s this one?
• people have convinced me that what he did was rape but i’m not so sure. maybe it’s just a regret. maybe i did it to myself.
• all i think about is how to distract myself with ideas, sex, and activities so i won’t always be thinking about committing suicide.
• after three weeks of having quit smoking i caved and smoked. i feel so bad now. i don’t know what i love more, the feeling I get when i smoke or how good i feel having not smoked.
• i had a great valentine’s weekend. i was finally happy. why did you have to message me? my heart was finally healing and it broke all over again because of you.
• in my entire life i have always felt that the worst of the genes in my family got dumped on me. i’ll never be pretty enough to be anyone’s girlfriend or wife ever.
• i’m a girl and i just masturbated to girl-on-girl porn and i feel guilty because i liked it more than when i have sex with my fuckbuddy.

textsecret

• i wanna live in nyc. not because it seems glamorous but because it seems free. / i don’t give myself enough credit. i’m tainted. / i’d rather be alone than disappoint anyone i love. / compared to him i’m wall-e and he’s eve. i’m not even worth it.
• i want to start starving myself.
• i’m dating my best friend. she sleeps at my house all the time and we mess around. my family is still in the blue about our relationship. / i love when you sleep over and we have sex. my grandma is so oblivious that we’re dating.
• the only thing that stops me from hyperventilating is the smell of old books.
• wow. what a pathetic excuse for a man. grow the fuck up and quit being so fucking self-centered. just because girls stalk you doesn’t make you less of a douche bag.
• i love my girl friend but i still think about what would have been if you just came around. i know we were put in a difficult situation but we could have worked through it if you were willing. a part of me will always love you. i know the side of you that no one else has seen. i don’t fully know who i am without you in my life anymore.
• i didn’t tell them i was kidnapped and shot up with drugs before i got away that day. it happened because i am suicidal and i let it happen.
• i think my science teacher is wicked attractive. it drives me nuts. / i think i’m gonna die alone because i’ll never be good enough for anyone ever.
• last night my ex/son’s father tried to commit suicide. he lost over a quart of blood and is now in the hospital. i thought he was kidding when he told me about the blood everywhere. he could’ve died because i thought he was playing. / today my boy friend told his baby mama to stop sending him naked pics of her because i was hotter than her fat ass. sad to say that this is the happiest i have been in forever.
• i keep naked pictures of myself on my computer hoping that my older brother will find them and keep them for himself or show them to his friends.
  
• i wish he knew how much blaming me for what happened killed me inside even if he forgives me one day i won’t ever forgive myself.
• i want her to get her heart broken. i want her to know how i feel when she broke up with me.
• i can’t fucking stand my best friend but at the same time i can’t let her go.
• none of my friends see the real me. i’ve gotten so good at putting up my wall no one notices. i seem alright but i need help too.
• my boy friend’s kids are spoiled brats and after he and i are married and he passes away i will work the rest of my life to make sure they don’t get a dime.
• today is my 18th birthday. two years ago i tried to kill myself. i wish i had succeeded.
• i can’t wait to move and get away from you. i love you but i deserve better and i could never tell you that. this is the end of a chapter in my life and the beginning of another and i couldn’t be more excited.
• i knew he wasn’t the one for me after i had told him i was sick and he didn’t bring me any soup when i was at work.
• my mom has lost weight and is down to a 16 in jeans and now all she does is brag about it. it’s gotten on my nerves so bad that if i have to hear about it anymore i know i will explode and go off on her. so what if she has? i could care less. all it’s doing to her is making me seem like a fat pig whenever we eat. beauty killed the beast.

textsecret

happy new year...

• she’s beautiful smart and kind and wants me for who i am and i just want to leave her. / i am getting easier and easier to read and i’m still not sure if that scares me or not.
• all i do is fuck things up. i’m failing school. i’m failing as a friend. i want to kill myself. / i’m seriously contemplating suicide right now but i can’t tell anyone because i don’t want to ruin their christmas.
• i’m going back home to the west coast i wish you would put yourself in my suitcase. the only thing i want for my birthday is for you to contact me. even if it is just to say happy birthday.
• i have no fucking clue what to do anymore and it hurts more than she’ll ever know.
• my guilty pleasure is seeing my ex-boyfriend even though my boyfriend doesn’t want me to.